The New Guy

5 posts
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Bailey Holcomb
Gender Female
Points 1214
Reviews 24
Tue Dec 16, 2008 4:01 pm
Bailey Holcomb says... · Tue Dec 16, 2008 4:01 pm
You always make me laugh.
You never make me cry.
Please don't let these final words
be my last goodbye.

More that expected,
you're really a nice guy.
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodnight.

The last thing I need
is a ruined friendship.
Please don't let it get in the way
of the feelings you kept.

Thank you for helping me
through the good and bad.
You comforted me when I lost
the man I thought I had.

Yes, I may be single now,
but I still want him back.
I'm trying to recover
from that other girl's attack.


-Bailey Holcomb
Last edited by Bailey Holcomb on Sun Jan 25, 2009 5:41 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Linx
Gender Female
Points 1203
Reviews 228
Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:50 pm
Linx says... · Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:50 pm
That *sniff* was *sniff* beautiful! I loved it.

The last thing I need
is a ruined friendship.
Please don't let it get in the way
of the feelings you kept.


Those last two lines don't make that much sense.
But other than that, just beautiful! I love your poetry, Bailey. Good job, and gold star! :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)
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cori1017
Gender Female
Points 1055
Reviews 6
Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:02 am
cori1017 says... · Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:02 am
More that expected,
you're really a nice guy.
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodbye.


Hey, Bailey. I think that this stanza could go like this:
More than I expected,
you're a really nice guy.
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodbye.

But you know that's just me. I think that's so true, and you really need to KEEP WRITING!!!!! You're so talented, you know that? I loved it; it was so beautiful.
I <3 Macaroni&Cheese!!! :)

Got YWS?
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clueless
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 49
Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:24 am
clueless says... · Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:24 am
Hey, Baily. I'ma give you a full body crit. Hope you don't mind?


You always make me laugh.

You never make me cry.

Please don't let these--This line throws the reader. I didn't know how to read it to make fit with the rhythm you've created. It leaves you hanging, like there's supposed to be another word there. Please don't let these...what? Words? Tears? Looks? Please explain.

be my last goodbye.--consistent capitalization at the beginning of each line helps to one, create a rhythm, and two, keep the reader on track. I would highly recommend it.



More that expected,--More that expected. You mean then?

you're really a nice guy.--(Capital Y.)

I like the way you talk to me,

the way you say goodnight.--(Capital T.)The rhyme here is simple, almost in a childish way. It fits.



The last thing I need

is a ruined friendship.--(Capital I.)

Please don't let it get in the way

of the feelings you kept.--(Capital O.)

Thank you for helping me

through the good and bad.

You comforted me when I lost

the man I thought I had.--Alright, just a tad bit cliche. Okay, a lot cliche.


Yes, I may be single now,

but I still want him back.--(Capital B.)
I'm trying to recover

from that other girl's attack.--(Capital F.)



Decent poem. A bit cliche. Keep working on it.

--clue.
"It is a dull mind that can think of only one way to spell a word."
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DeeDee_E
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 6
Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:53 pm
DeeDee_E says... · Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:53 pm
Bailey Holcomb wrote:You always make me laugh.
You never make me cry.
Please don't let this
be my last goodbye.

More than I expected,
you're a really nice guy.
I like the way you talk to me,
the way you say goodnight.

The last thing I need
is a ruined friendship.
Please don't let it get in the way
of the feelings you kept.

Thank you for helping me
through the good and bad.
You comforted me when I lost
the man I thought I had.

Yes, I may be single now,
but I still want him back.
I'm trying to recover
from that other girl's attack.


Good Job!! It was so cute :].. Just gave you some things you could think of changing...

Keep writing :]

Dee Dee E.

-Bailey Holcomb
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5 posts


But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane