The First Time I Lost You

Befor last night,
you were my world.
But now it seems
like I'm not your girl.

She likes you.
I guess you like her.
She hates me.
Yet, you seem to not care.

I want you to be yourself,
but not who you wanto be.
I want you to be yourself,
the one that matters to me.

I feel like I can't talk to you,
can't tell you one thing.
Though now it appears so different,
like she's your everything.

I hate that you're so stupid.
You make me want to cry.
Lately I've stayed mad at you
and it makes me want to die.

I wish you could comprehend
what you have done to me.
I wish you could understand.
I just wish you could see.


-Bailey Holcomb

Hi there!
this seems nice... kind of a first love thing, pretty basic.
I didn't find any grammar mistakes and punctuation is nicely done (congrats on that, most people don't know how to work with punctuation).
Well, I don't have much comments... This is okay, is basic.
It's nothing that would WOW you...
Ah, almost forgot: the last stanza isn't working for me. When reading it out loud, it's seems like it's screws up your tempo, flow. Maybe fix that.
Well, keep writing!

Okay, I'll give an overview at the end. Bold are spelling mistakes/grammatical errors. Italics are just me pointing things out. [s]Strikethroughs[/s] are words that shouldn't be there.

Beforbefore last night,
you were my world.
But now it seems
like I'm not your girl.

She likes you.
I guess you like her.
She hates me.
Yet, you seem to not care."Yet you don't seem to care" would sound better.

I want you to be yourself,
but not who you wanto want to be.
I want you to be yourself,
the one that matters to me.

I feel like I can't talk to you,
can't tell you one thing.
Though now it appears so different,
like she's your everything.

I hate that you're so stupid.
You make me want to cry.
Lately I've stayed mad at you
and it makes me want to die.

I wish you could comprehend
what you have done to me.
I wish you could understand.
I just wish you could see.

Anyways, I really liked this. It was good and very straightforward.
I hope all goes well in real life for you.
-Macs

Pretty good overall. Definitely gets your point across, which in my opinion makes reading a poem more enjoyable.

Your first two stanzas didn't quite meet the rhyme scheme (world, girl),(her, care). I found it a little distracting, especially since the later stanzas all followed the pattern. On the other hand, i know it's hard to make rhyme work when you're trying to get a clear point across, so this actually isn't too major of a problem. (It still sounds pretty good/flows relatively nicely.) Just something to consider if you're looking to improve.

Bailey Holcomb wrote:Before here last night,
you were my world.
But now it seems
like I'm not your girl.

She likes you.
I guess you like her.
She hates me.
Yet, you seem to not care.

I want you to be yourself,
but not who you wanSPACEto be.
I want you to be yourself,
the one that matters to me.

I feel like I can't talk to you,
can't tell you one thing.
Though now it appears so different,
like she's your everything.

I hate that you're so stupid. < I think you could use a better word here, one that fits.
You make me want to cry.
Lately I've stayed mad at you
and it makes me want to die.

I wish you could comprehend
what you have done to me.
I wish you could understand.
I just wish you could see.


-Bailey Holcomb

Hi!
Overall, your poem was good. There was some simple mistakes and some words that just didn't seem like they fit there. But great Job!

Bailey Holcomb wrote:Befor last night,
you were my world.
But now it seems
like I'm not your girl.

Generally, the first word of a poem should be spelled correctly - it sets a precedent in the reader's mind.

The later three lines are vapid and more importantly, ambivalent. You don't sound very assured or even caring about the situation. "It seems" is a good example of how you just seem to notice how he left you for a moment, then dwell on other things.

She likes you.
I guess you like her.
She hates me.
Yet, you seem to not care.

Again, ambivalence is your bane. Take out "I guess"; it does nothing for the poem.

The last idea does not make sense - would you expect him to care considering that he just left you? I wouldn't at this point, and you haven't done anything to introduce me to this new feeling before throwing it upon me.

I want you to be yourself,
but not who you wanto be.
I want you to be yourself,
the one that matters to me.

Do not take any inspiration from Disney, it never does anyone any good. "Be who you want to be", "be yourself", etc, are such cliched and worn concepts that there is no use for them anymore except as household jokes. The broad idea is still very valid, but do it in a way that shows originality.

I feel like I can't talk to you,
can't tell you one thing.
Though now it appears so different,
like she's your everything.

Both of the see-saw words you've used here - "I feel" and "it appears" - destroy any credibility or authority that this piece could have had. By now, I'm convinced that you don't care and are either pretending or being sarcastic about the whole affair.

I hate that you're so stupid.
You make me want to cry.
Lately I've stayed mad at you
and it makes me want to die.

The entire above stanza is riddled with mistakes that cannot be rectified in the scope of the poem. Calling someone stupid for breaking up with you is one of the worst ways you can prove your maturity and competency to the world, and in a poem, it reeks of these very things. Also, wanting to die is one of the most cliched phrases in existence.

I wish you could comprehend
what you have done to me.
I wish you could understand.
I just wish you could see.

The way you machine-gunned the reader with "I wish" in the last stanza without any form of precedence further reduces any dignity in the way you've chosen to write this poem. Why? Why did you do it? If there is no reason for repetition, don't use it. Also, you haven't made us empathetic to your situation at all - you haven't described what's happened to you except for saying "makes me want to die", and that is not nearly enough.

In general, this poem needs to be deleted and none of these concrete concepts used. Re-do this using symbols and imagery in order to make us picture the event and introspection, meaning that you take us into your soul and perhaps even his to explain how hearts have been lost and wars of love subdued. Give us something romantic and poetic, and please don't do this again.

Bailey Holcomb wrote:Befor last night,
you were my world.
But now it seems
like I'm not your girl.

She likes you.
I guess you like her.
She hates me.
Yet, you seem to not care.

I want you to be yourself,
but not who you wanto be.
I want you to be yourself,
the one that matters to me.

I feel like I can't talk to you,
can't tell you one thing.
Though now it appears so different,
like she's your everything.

I hate that you're so stupid.
You make me want to cry.
Lately I've stayed mad at you
and it makes me want to die.

I wish you could comprehend
what you have done to me.
I wish you could understand.
I just wish you could see. Your rhymed quite brilliantly until this last part. It doesn't flow too well here.


-Bailey Holcomb

The poem was easy to understand because it used easy language and was just blunt and straightforward. But I didn't feel the emotions much, I got the message but I didn't really feel the poem. However, your rhyme really well.

Okay, I'm going to critique this quite truthfully. I'll try not to rip it apart, but I make no promises.

Befor last night,

you were my world.

But now it seems

like I'm not your girl.

Okay that should be before. This stanza doesn't catch my attention very well. It leaves me thinking, "Oh no, not another love angst love poem." Open it with some beautiful imagery. You also need to capitilize the beginning lines.

She likes you.

I guess you like her.

She hates me.

Yet, you seem to not care.

Oh, yes, its another one of those poems... Its the same story line. You don't vary the sentence structure very well, I wish that you would. She likes... I guess...She hates... Very, very boring and basic. Make the lines catch the readers attention. Use some metaphors and similes.

I want you to be yourself

but not who you wanto be.

I want you to be yourself,

the one that matters to me.

Another grammar mistake. Its want to. Capitilize the beginning lines.
Also there it is again. The same sentence structure is used throughout the whole poem.
And this stanza doesn't make much sense. You say that you want him to be himself. Wouldn't that be how he wants to be?

I feel like I can't talk to you,

can't tell you one thing.

Though now it appears so different,

like she's your everything.

Capitilze. Vary the sentence structure. Add some imagery. The same things that I have already pointed out.

I hate that you're so stupid.

You make me want to cry.

Lately I've stayed mad at you

and it makes me want to die.

Vary sentence structure. Okay, you have fallen into the same mistake that almost every beginner poet falls into. The poem doesn't have to rhyme. This seems a little forced. I would also suggest that you use better vocabulary. Go see a thesaurus. There are many different words for cry: weep, sob, tears stream down my face, so much better than cry,

I wish you could comprehend

what you have done to me.

I wish you could understand.

I just wish you could see.

That last line doesn't work very well. It messes up the flow. And you start too many sentences with I. Its all the same sentence structure. Take some time to edit this poem. It could be great with some imagery, or symbols, or even some similes and metaphors thrown in. And differing sentence structures. It doesn't nessesary doesn't need to be deleted as someone had so rudely pointed out. Just some editing.

Overall this seems like every other teens love angst poem. Its vevery simple and cliche. Everyone has heard it before. I think that you can fix this however by adding some imagery, and symbols. I would also suggest that you vary your diction too. You also need to work on your typos and spelling mistakes, they can be an eyesore to readers. Also I noticed that you started too many lines with I. Vary the sentance structure some. Writing poetry takes time and practice. Trial and error. It took alot of harsh reviews on my poems to become decent. You can be a great. Keep writing, and good luck with anything you want to accomplish. I hope I wasn't overly harsh. If you need any help with the poem, just let me know.