Captured

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I'm not really sure what to call it. This part takes place in the present, and other parts of the story are the past. But it goes back to this time. Never done romantic fiction before, hope you like it!



They walked hand in hand down the beach, looking for the entire world like the most loving couple. With every step the sand crunched beneath their toes and left their footprints behind them. The wind came up and blew on the edge of her skirt and blew some of her dark curls in front her eyes. The man reached his other hand towards her face, intending to brush them away, but as his hand came closer, she flinched. He pulled it away and grabbed her other hand tighter, crushing it in his grasp. They came to a halt.

“You really loved me, didn’t you?” she asked, looking at the sand on her feet.

“Still do. Always will.”

“You don’t know what love is. You used to, I think, but now any chance of love is gone.”

“We’ll see”. His grip on her loosened. He thought back to the old days, when she pretended he didn’t exist. Laughing and smiling with the other boys, but deep down too scared admit her love for him. He had changed all that. He had rescued her from a life of mediocrity. He heard her quickly inhale, then just as fast, slip her hand from his grip and start running. Her long legs sunk deep into the sand, but she pumped her knees into the air. At first he just watched her, marvelling at her determination. But then he chased after her, like all those times he had to chase after his dinner. He became a hunter once more. Eyes on the prize. What a prize it was. As he came closer, he jumped, landing on top of her and pulling her down. Her legs kicked for a moment before she surrendered. He turned her over, still holding her tightly. Her chest moved quickly under him and he thought of the heart beating inside her, beating for him.
She smiled.

“It was worth a shot, wasn’t it?” she said.
“If you want to play games, you can wait until we get back to the house.”
She bared her teeth.
“I’d rather die, you delusional freak!”
He got up, yanking her up with him by the arms.
“We’re going home now.”

He dragged her behind him, walking a little too fast for her comfort. It was sometimes easier if he didn’t look at her. Then he could imagine her face as it once was. Soft and smiling; or even pale with tears running down her face. Yes, he liked that the best. From the moment the first tear had fallen on her rounded cheek, she had been his.




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wow.
i really like that, extremely interesting.
hmmm but there is something that's not very right with it.
its a good start though.
its confusing though, we don't know whats going on at all or whats happening.
“You really loved me, didn’t you?” she asked, looking at the sand on her feet.

“Still do. Always will.”

“You don’t know what love is. You used to, I think, but now any chance of love is gone.”


I fond that part the most confusing. what happened to them.
is the next part of the story going to be about how they met?




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I like it,but like Hopeless.I'm confused.
Does her boyfriend force her to have sex with him?
Why is she so angry with him?Where is her anger coming from?
"You have bewitched me,body and soul."-Mr.Darcy(Pride & Prejudice)




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looking for the entire world like the most loving couple.
The most loving couple isn't very discriptive. I'd personally like that line better, and think it fits in the story better if it was something more unique. like "Looking to the entire world like two people who would die for each other," Or, I don't know, something with more flow.

She smiled.
This was confusing. I think it should be like "She smiled coldly," Or "She smiled sadly," Or something to clarify that she wasn't actually happy that he caught her.

From the moment the first tear had fallen on her rounded cheek, she had been his.
I liked this line. It's sort of perverse, but it sounds beautiful.

Overall, I agree with the people above, you need to explain what's going on better. It could be a number of things that's going on. You need to clarify what's going on.

Other than that, I thought it was really interesting. I'd love to see where you take it.
... :D ...
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I kinda didn't want to give too much away, sorry I confused some people! I've been told I tell too much rather than show, so I thought I'd wouldn't spill it all in the first bit. So should I scale the mystery back a bit? Or does it entice you to read on, to know what happened?




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hmmm...
i think you should give just a little more.
the mystery part is good. it snags the reader.
Like i want to read on and see what happened.
But give us a little more so we aren't confused.




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I love it when stories have characters who don't have names. I know this seems like a minor thing, but it really does make me like a story that much more.

Your description is really good. It leaves enough to the imagination and doesn't get tiresome, and your characterization is pro.

Sorry I can't give you a full review... I'm in a bit of a hurry right now.

-Stardust.
A compliment is like a kiss through a veil- Victor Hugo.



Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain