Maybe I Need You

Why is it I still doubt you,
When you stand there,
With my suitcase and backpack,
Ordering me to pack my stuff,
For you want me to leave the house,
I pay to live in…

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

Why do I always ask you,
For a second chance,
When I’ve done nothing wrong,
And I know you’re being unfair,
But I dare not remind you,
Of your coldness…

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

I’m still dreaming of a family,
And not just you, hating me,
As it feels just like you do,
When you don’t care for me,
I am just like an orphan,
With a mother…

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

How long shall I go pretending,
That everything’s just fine,
Between you and myself,
Just to please your social skills,
And I could go to hell,
When no one sees…

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

Why do I try so hard, most days,
To be a perfect daughter to you,
I make your coffee, I pour it,
I wash the dishes without complaints,
But when I open my mouth,
You shut me up…

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

Once I ran away so often,
When ever I got a chance,
I was just a kid back then,
But now I’m too grown to run,
Leave my battles behind,
I just wish I wasn’t…

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

I have so much to tell you,
But no strength to let you in,
But it’s burning in my chest,
Matters a daughter could only,
Tell her loving mother about,
But what about me…?

Maybe I need you,
To need me…

Hey there MJs_Magic_Pen.

There are two major issues with this poem. The first one is your examples. Have a read through your poem. Do you realize that you are only using examples from domestic incidents in the narrator's life? This has immense consequences for the audience. Firstly, it gives very little for the audience to search for since they are confined to only one area and secondly, it will eventually bore the reader once they've realized as to how tedious and repetitive the poem is thematically. The blatant way in which the ideas are expressed in this poem doesn't provide any insight for the audience either.

Secondly, you rely too heavily on the convention of apostrophe. Apostrophe is basically the outpouring of emotion. This convention works well only if you have justified as to why the narrator feels that way. The consequence of overusing apostrophe is that it doesn't allow the narrator to justify as to why he/she feels that way. If the narrator is unable to show the reasons as to why he/she feels that way, then how is the audience supposed to sympathize with the narrator?

On the whole, the poem lacks depth and doesn't provide insight for the audience.

Consider the following definition:

'A composition in verse, usually characterised by words chosen for their sound and suggestive power as well as for their sense, and using such techniques as metre, rhyme and alliteration.'- New Collins Concise English Dictionary.

With poetry, there are so many conventions that the poet could manipulate to provide the audience with powerful images, layers of meaning and memorable lines that could remain within a person for many years.

Do some research and look up various poetry conventions and how they can be manipulated to express ideas in complex ways to help provide insight and depth in your poem.

Also, when you are rewriting this, consider the follow:

Why?
How?
Who?
What?
Where?
When?

Lastly, be sure to check out some of the poetry by Snoink, Suzanne, Incandescence, PenguinAttack and Cade. They are well established poets on the site and will help you out in your aspirations to be a poet.

Good luck and I hope this critique has helped.

Andy.

It was extremely personal.

also it kinda followed an A to B then back to A to C back to A to D back to A method.

at times it can be extremely effective but this got kind of predictable after the first two portions.

I liked it in its emotional content, but it diddnt keep my attention beyond that.