Rediscovery Prologue through Chap 1

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This is a story that all started in math class. I wrote a short story about an adventurer, and I liked the character so much, I decided to write my first ever chapter story about him.

I know I write in short chapters, not to mention there isn't much material here, but this will change once the book starts getting a bit more refined.
Also, this is not a finished product. I am writing this and looking for suggestions.

Here goes nothing!


Prologue:
Pg 136
Chapter 19

Time period 2000-2050

A conflict that would change the world was beginning. It would become known as the greatest conflict of all time. The seeds of this conflict were sown in 2001 of Sept 11. A group of fanatic religious terrorists had driven two large aeroplanes* into two towers killing over 3,000 people. In response, the president of the United States invaded two countries, formerly known as Afghanistan and Iraq. Years passed and not much was achieved. Then, in 2012, a president known as Nathaniel Morgan was elected president of the super power U.S.A.
The president believed that the terrorists responsible for the many attacks around the world must be funded by countries that had an interest in seeing western countries hurt. The next 5 years are sketchy, and we don't know whether Nathanial's allegations are true, but he held the countries of China and Russia responsible.
A nuclear standoff began. On the fateful day off 2016 August 31, just short of the 15 anniversary of the Twin Tower attacks, the first bombs fell.

A group of people, known as the Wardens, organized an underground chamber for the fittest, smartest, and levelheaded people they could find to ride the war out in an underground bunker in south west Canada.
70 years later, with the radiation dissipated, the remaining people ventured above ground to form the colony.
In fact, the bunker is know beneath your feet, acting as a storeroom.

*aeroplane- Large winged vehicle that flew the skies some 120 years ago.

Next lesson: The history of the Colony.

Chap 1
"Trig"!... "Trig"!
"What mom"?
"What are you doing"?
"History homework"
"Ok, but when you're done could you do some planting"?
"Aww come on.."
"Yes, you have too, we're a week behind schedule!"
"Fine!"
Trig closed the history book and got up from his desk, looking around the room. It was small yet comfortable, his small cot folded up in a corner and a desk, which on sat his homework. A picture of his elder brother, a scientist who moved to another colony on the Californian coast, and an old Rubik's cube sat on a shelf above his desk.
He walked outside, picking up some seeds as he went, the cool spring air engulfing him.
* * *

An hour or so later, Trig finished up planting and headed over to the library.
The library was old and smelly, and there were very few books. Almost all off the information in the library was on data discs and drives that raiding teams had recovered, but the library had only 4 ancient computers. Today however, Trig was lucky, and there was no queue to use the computers. Trig was working on his end of paper. and he was doing it on raiders, a job that Trig aspired to have.
Trig looked through the racks.. There! A disc about the life of Gus, a legendary raider.
He shoved the disk into the dusty C/D reader, when suddenly Trig heard the attack alarms.



That's it, critique it to your worst.
I just want you to know, I do not present this as a finished piece.
Thanks!
Last edited by lukas8u on Sun Dec 14, 2008 3:41 am, edited 5 times in total.
Political blog, (with a liberal lean)
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Hi Lukas 8u

I have attatched a .doc file with an edited version of your story. I enjoyed it very much, and feel that it has a lot of potential. As such, I went through it and edited it. I hope you find some of the hints to be helpful. If you have any questions, please PM me. I hope that Microsoft word can read Open Office's track changes. If not, please PM me, and I'll rereview it as in text.

Have a good one, and Good Luck! :)
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'Ello! Very good, though I do roll my eyes at the whole post 9/11 horror story, no matter how liberal i may be. :) The funny thing is, I was just thinking about writing a post-nuclear attack story (but mine would take place right when the bombs fell)

Now to critique!

lukas8u wrote:"Trig"!... "Trig"!
"What mom"?
"What are you doing"?
"History homework"
"Ok, but when you're done could you do some planting"?
"Aww come on.."
"Yes, you have too, we're a week behind schedule!"
"Fine!"


Too much dialogue, not enough description. What does Trig look like? What does his mom look like?

also, minor grammar issues:
lukas8u wrote:"Trig"!... "Trig"!
"What, mom"?
"What are you doing"?
"History homework,"
"Ok, but when you're done could you do some planting"?
"Aww, come on.."
"Yes, you have too, we're a week behind schedule!"
"Fine!"


1. An elipse after a sentence? weird....
could be rewritten as "Trig!" called Mother. "Trig, are you listening?"
2. I added a comma here
3. When a character says a sentence that has end punctuation, the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. I've fixed it for you.
4.Same as 3
5. It's not a full sentence. I think you need the comma I added.
I added several commas.
Lastly: Inorrect usage of "too"

Example: "I want to come, too."
"I want to go to the store."

Trig closed the history book and got up from his desk, looking around the room. It was small yet comfortable his small cot folded up in a corner and a desk, which on sat his homework, a picture of his elder brother, a scientist who moved to another colony on the Californian coast, an old Rubik's cube, an I pod, and some old plastic shell that said Gameboy on it. Trig had no idea what it did.


Whoa! Crazy run on sentence here!
I would break into several sections: It was small yet comfortable. His cot (the word small was already used, and was getting repetitive) was folded up in a corner. His well-worn desk was disorganized and barely visible benath all his papers and posessions. There was his homework, a picture of his elder brother (explain the scientist in another colony thing later), an ancient Rubix Cube... etc.

I'm just wondering: Wouldn't radiation affect electronics? How would you move to a colony when your world is a radioactive wasteland?

He walked outside, picking up some seeds as he went, the cool spring air engulfing him.


Wait a minute... cool spring air in a bunker? Confuzzled...

I want to hear about the planitng. It sounds interesting, growing food in a bunker.

Today however, Trig was lucky, and there was no que to use the computers. Trig was working on his end of school project, and he was doing it on raiders, a job that Trig aspired to have.


1. que should be spelled queue (strange, I know)
2. This sentence seems awkward. I would say, "He needed to work on his end-of-school project, a paper (or whatever you want) on the prestigious Raiders.
Now you should explain the raiders.
Then, Trig should think something like, "I'll be one someday."
Your character doesn't talk enough. I'm not invested in him.


[/quote]He walked over to the computer's to load it.. when suddenly the attack alarms went off![quote]

eh. weird sentence. Describe the alarms more, and don't elipse to them.
I would write...

He walked back to the computer, and opened the ancient disk drive. As it opened, it groaned in protest. Trig blew the dust off of the disk and jammed it in.

All of a sudden, a loud wail began to echo around the room, alarming and jarring.
Trig looked up in surprise. The attack alarms, he thought.

Good work :)
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85



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