In my Arms

In my arms
a child

was it so wise
by chance

to assume
the possiblity

so very crazed
by night

so sleepless crazed
by day

should I be saved
not lost

should I resume
my life

no, you don't
see it

know this life
is

in my arms
a child

________________________________
The lack of punctuation is purposeful.

This is... interesting. But I'm not sure what the poem is about, so I can't critique it. Can you tell me?

OK that sounded rather bad - I understand it's about a child that was born out of a one night stand, or something. But I really don't understand how the words reflect that... see what I mean? The words don't 'fit' together, the phrases don't flow seamlessly, and we're left kinda wondering... well, what was that about? *laughs*

I'm sorry if this wasn't the critique you were after, but I honestly can't say any more. You can't comment on what you don't understand, and it would be hypocritical if I did... because I yell at people for doing that very same thing IRL.

Ja-!

Hm.

Why have you formatted in such a way? At first I thought it was to create a parralell effect - to have two streams of thought that said separate things while still combining coherently. On review, however, it didn't appear to quite fit. So I need to ask, was that your intention?

It could have been brilliant, were that the case but I'm going to assume it wasn't. However, I should hope there is a specific reason for the spacing of the words; some dramatic effect you wanted, perhaps? It can't be random, is all I'm saying and if there was a purpose beyond what I have already intimated, it was lost on me.

so very crazed

by night



so sleepless crazed

Twice-crazed? Once is enough, I think. I suggest finding another word there.

I believe I grasped the story here but I think you might want to consider making it more of a revelation at the end.

In my arms

a child

I would strike 'a child' and put something oblique here; just for an added air of mystery.

I enjoyed this though. Hope I helped,

Kudos,
Jigs

The purpose of the placing, was yes, specific.

There's more than one way to read this, and reading it in each way ties the meaning together. Or...it should.

I understand the metaphor with the form, different ways of reading, and, in full, the effect of everything together. However, it's confusing and not as well-presented as it needs to be.

It's very difficult to pull off a poem like this. Very difficult.

Try again?