1
“BABY, TAKE THIS. IT’LL MAKE OUR NIGHT A LOT MORE fun, I promise,” Johnny says as he passes me a handful of pills. I look at my boyfriend’s face, that beguiling, sweet-talking mouth of his, and how can I question him? Why should I, he’s never lied to me. Sure, I’m not his only girl, but I know that and he’s honest about it. Is that why it still hurts, Cara? Don’t think about that, focus on the now. What would he have to gain if I got hurt? Absolutely nothing, I tell myself. So I grab the eight or so pills from his hand and swallow half with a glass of water. Not so bad, now the rest. Once they were all down, he took my hand, “Babe, you know you are the best. No other like you in the world.”
God, if only he knew what those words did to me.
“Yeah, yeah, Johnny. I’m you’re down for anything chick. Yeah, I know. So tell me you love me.” Please, tell me you love me! Tell me like you did before her, before when I was you’re only one! Yet I know that that “I love you” will never come. As much as I want it to be, I’m just not enough. Story of my life… Johnny just takes my hand and leads me into the party. I don’t know any of these people but Johnny knows them somehow and he likes them. So again, who am I to question him?
My head’s spinning as we’re walking into the party and saying hello. Whatever it was that I took before coming in was starting to take effect. There’s a buzzing in the back of my head and a sense that my stomach was dropping. My hands are shaking and my teeth are chattering, but I’m not cold. My sense of perception, time, space, everything... was all just a little bit off. Johnny what did you give me?! All I want to do is curl up somewhere. Then my heart starts to race, feels like its going to burst out of my chest.
“Cara, snap out of it, babe. You’re losing rhythm.” Johnny’s voice startles me out of wherever my mind was leading me. I realize that we’re surrounded by people, dancing. Johnny has one hand on my ass and another at the nape of my neck and he’s grinding into me in time with the song. I look up into his face, hearing the beat of the stereo, feeling it thrumming in my veins, his hands on me, his body rubbing against mine, its overload. But it feels so good…!
“B-baby, t-take me home. I d-don’t feel s-s-so good.” I manage to stutter. My teeth are chattering so hard now that I can’t control it. God, I hope I don’t break a tooth or bite my tongue. I start to feel nauseous now, not enough to be sick, but enough to make me uncomfortable. With my body tensing up with shudders to go along with the chattering the last thing I want is for my stomach to be upset. Still, I am not cold. Actually, I am quite warm. But hey, such is life, right?
I didn’t have to take what he handed me, but I’m just a stupid girl. Where am I again? I’m swaying… Oh right, I’m dancing with Johnny at a party and I want to go home. So I ask him again.
“Alright, I’ll go sit you down somewhere and find us a ride. It might be a minute or two though.” He leads me to an overstuffed chair and drapes me over it. He doesn’t even check to make sure I’m alright before he wanders off, calling for a beer, and hopefully in search of someone who can give us a ride home. The music changes to some kind of techno, hip-hop type song and I can literally feel the music in my body. Probably because it’s so loud. Man, I just want to go home, or anyplace safe with a bed. I’m so tired.
I’m not sure how much time has gone by, but after what seems like hours, Johnny comes back. I try to tell him that I’m shaking too bad to get up and I guess he understood because he picks me up and carries me out of the house. I can hear him talking with someone, but I can’t see his face. My eyes must be closed, I can’t see anything. I just don’t have the strength to open them. I feel Johnny and the other person slide me into the backseat of the friend’s car and before I know it I can feel the car moving. The sound of the wind coming through the open windows sounds like an industrial fan on full blast, but is almost drowned out by the music on the car stereo. I manage to sit myself up to look out the window and all I can see is the country-side. In the dark, the cornfields looked vast and never ending, scary. I am soon mesmerized by the blurred images whizzing outside the window. All of a sudden, I can feel it rising, the bile that had me lying down to begin with.
“Pull over!” I shout. Johnny’s friend pulled the car over and quickly got out to help me out of the car so I could get sick. He held my hair until I couldn’t stand up any longer and then he held me up until I was finished. I sat there on his lap shaking, trying to keep my stomach calm. I ask him what his name is and he says it’s Paul. I say, “Okay, Paul, help me back in the car please, and take me home.”
I AM NOT AWARE OF WHERE I AM OR WHAT I AM DOING until I find myself in a bed. I see Johnny setting himself up a bed on the floor and his friend, Paul, is pulling on sweat pants. Where am I?? I try to sit up, but all I can manage to move is my head and my arms feel as though they have fifty pound weights attached to them. Oh my God, I can’t move! Johnny don’t sleep there, come up here with me! Johnny! Don’t leave me with Paul! But Johnny isn’t going to sleep, he’s just watching a movie and smiling at Paul.
Paul turns out the light and climbs into the bed next to me. What is he doing?! I need to make my mouth work. I need to know what is happening, why I feel this way. Or should I say, why I can’t feel anything? He asks me if I am cold, but I can do nothing and he covers us with a comforter and pulls me close to him. Now I can’t see myself, all I can see is his face, Paul’s face and the ceiling above me. There’s a wall on the other side of me. I’m trapped.
I’m slipping down, down into this dark little world, where there is only me, only me and the hands that I feel on my body. The hands are rubbing my stomach, my neck and hair. I can feel those hands caressing my breasts. I open my eyes for a second, telling myself this isn’t real. Whose face will I see? Is any of this real or am I dreaming? They’re open now. Whose face?! NO! Paul... Don’t touch me Paul, get off me! Is this real? Is this happening? Where’s Johnny?! My mind is racing, trying to figure out, I don’t remember! My eyes are closed again. I don’t have the strength to keep them open. I can’t seem to lift my hands, to push Paul away. Johnny, help me! There’s a tugging at my waist and then down my legs. Oh God, no! I can’t move, don’t do this! Eyes still closed, there’s a heavy weight on my chest, pushing me into the mattress. The weight is lower now, a rhythmic pounding against my pelvis. I feel his hand, his fingers really, touching me, gone for a second and coming back wet with something. As he shoves his finger inside me, I turn my head to the side and open my eyes. No, Johnny! Not you! Johnny’s looking right at me, watching. How could you?! I struggle again to move, but whatever pills I had taken earlier that night were taking me over and I could no longer move.
I struggle to stay conscious though I’m not sure I want to. I fall under again, into that blissful blankness that the pills provide. This isn’t what I wanted! I try again to push him away, but my arms are still limp by my sides. There are tears streaming down my face, soaking the pillowcase and my hair beneath me. I’m not making a sound, nothing will come out. No! Stop it, Paul! I don’t want you! Johnny’s laughing in the background as Paul’s pace quickens. Again, the blissful blankness takes me over. Stay gone, Cara, just stay gone this time…
