After Dark Ch.1 Alone

I look at the clock as it ticks away...as well as having drops from the heavy rainfall drip into the room...I remain quietly on the floor staring at the wet floorboards with a miserable look...I soon look out the only remaining window...Watching the chilling rain wash the dirt away...

I look at the floorboards again...I'm broken inside...I escaped from everyone's contact because it was too much to handle...Having the world on your shoulders...Everyone relying on me...It's too much...

I hear my phone's ringtone...I stare at it...I won't answer...I won't be stuck there with everyone relying on me...I've had enough let me wallow in my misery...If you want whats best you'll leave me alone....And stop looking for me...

I check it...It's my Friend Rioku...I just place it aside and not answer it...I'm sick of this why can't they leave me alone....

Hey there, Memento! Before I start my critique, there's a rule on YWS that for every post you do, you must have 2 reviews. So browse the forums and find a couple of pieces you like. That way, everything's fair, and more people will check out your stuff.

This is very, very strangely formatted. The fact that everything is punctuated with ellipses makes it jerky, hard to read, takes all effect out of the piece, and makes it a tad immature. I've broken each paragraph for you, so you can see how much better it would read.

I look at the clock as it ticks away...as well as having drops from the heavy rainfall drip into the room...I remain quietly on the floor staring at the wet floorboards with a miserable look...I soon look out the only remaining window...Watching the chilling rain wash the dirt away...

I've edited this for you, the whole thing. I've added in words and corrected run-on sentences and grammatical mistakes. Changes in bold. :

EDITED: I look at the clock as it ticks away. Rain drips heavily into the room. I remain quietly on the floor, staring at the wet floorboards miserably. I soon look out the only remaining window, watching the chilling rain wash the dirt away.

Changes I have made: Added fullstops instead of ellipses. I changed the second sentence because there was a repetition of 'drips' and 'drops', which made it slightly awkward. I changed 'a miserable look' to 'miserably', because it was less clunky. And I glued two sentences together to improve the general flow of the paragraph.

I look at the floorboards again...I'm broken inside...I escaped from everyone's contact because it was too much to handle...Having the world on your shoulders...Everyone relying on me...It's too much...

EDITED: I look at the floorboards again. I'm broken inside. I escaped from everyone's contact because it was too much to handle; having the world on your shoulders, everyone relying on me. It was too much.

Again, replaced ellipses with fullstops and glued a few sentences together.

I hear my phone's ringtone...I stare at it...I won't answer...I won't be stuck there with everyone relying on me...I've had enough let me wallow in my misery...If you want whats best you'll leave me alone....And stop looking for me...

EDITED: I hear my phone's ring. I stare at it...I won't answer. I won't be stuck here, with everybody relying on me. I've wallowed in misery long enough. If they want what's best, they'll leave me alone. And stop looking for me.

I check it...It's my Friend Rioku...I just place it aside and not answer it...I'm sick of this why can't they leave me alone....

EDITED: I check it. It's my friend, Rioku. I place it aside, not answering it. I'm sick of this. Why can't they leave me alone?


Okay, Memento. If I'm honest, this was really confusing. There wasn't much to critique as it was very short, not entirely to good effect as nothing was explained. Structurally speaking, it was bad. There was no explanation of anything - the setting, the protagonist, the story. It's just a chain of thoughts, some person ranting. This is what the beginning of a story is meant to do: introduce the problem. What does your character want...or not want? What is in her way? What troubles him? (Examples: divorce, being the new kid at school, making the grade, a place in life). Or start out with something that brings the reader 'into' the book: something that makes the reader read further. (Examples: a fight, a secret.)

We know nothing about your character. Develop her before you do anything. Keep a notebook nearby, and write down little details about real people. Does your friend have a strange way of twisting her hair when she's excited? Do you notice how your brother has a comeback for everything? These little details make up the character. Flesh out your character. If you are developing one very important character, have fun with it! Give your character an entire profile! What is his/her name? Where were they born, and when? Do they wear striped socks or solid ones? Is their hair blue or flame-red? Write down a bunch of these details, even if they may not be necessary for the story. Check character development essays on Google. They might prove helpful!

Get a file folder for your character. You want to know everything about her/him.
What does she/he look like? Look online for 'face makers' or, if you have a Sims game, make your character on that and take several screen shots. Put pictures of your character in their file.
What are the essentials? What is very important in their life? If you can, make a fake birth certificate for your character. It's fun, and its a good reference for the person's birthday, time of birth, etc.
Once you have the essentials down, start interviewing your character. How does she/he look at the world? If you're basing it on someone, use their answers. Or, if you're just not good at creating people from scratch, use a combination of several people you know.
Make sure that all the aspects of your character have been written up and stuck into the folder.

Be sure that your writing is well organized! Poorly organized writing may not read well and may even confuse your readers. As you go from paragraph to paragraph, check for cohesion. Try to put your paragraphs into some kind of logical order. Oftentimes, you will do well to save the best for last. In a persuasive essay, try to save your best argument for last. In a feature article, save the most interesting information for the end (or the beginning).

Develop short, choppy sentences into longer, more graceful sentences. Formal writing generally uses longer sentences than casual writing. To make your writing more formal, try using more compound and complex sentences. Try to develop two simple sentences into one compound or complex sentence. Long sentences add variety to your writing. A long sentence can be particularly effective when it is paired with a short sentence; the contrast grabs the readers' attention. As the last sentence shows, you also can use a semicolon to join two simple sentences, provided that they are closely related to each other.

Good luck!

Sarah

What, uh, was this?

Wasn't the title of the post Chapter One? This wasn't a chapter. It wasn't much of anything, actually.

I'm not trying to be mean, so if I'm coming off as harsh I don't mean to. It's just that this is posted in fiction, and while you have a beginning, that's all it is. An extremely brief beginning that doesn't hold any of the aspects of literature: Dialogue, character development, introduction, cliff hanger. We got nothing.

I would suggest adding all of these things.

The picture is cool, by the way.

KJ

ok. you need to get rid of all "..." or elipses in plain english. i don't mind stories where in the beginning, you have no idea what is happening but in this case you really don't know what is happening. if you are trying to illustrate your main character's thoughts, you can put them in italics. i dont really agree with KJ that it isn't a chapter because its up to the writer how long the chapter is. Though what about making this a prologue or a preface? I think it will server your reader well. Good luck writing, its a lot of work but do able.

Obviously, you need to work on sentence structure, punctuation, and grammar in general. Your chapter, as it's called, doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Who is this character? Whose contact are they escaping? Why do they feel as if the world relies on their shoulders?
All I'm saying is, this as a first chapter doesn't really take you anywhere, or pull you in and make you want to read more.