Kisses work miracles

As it said above, only 687 words. It's really kind of bad, so be as mean as possible (even though it's short...)
EDIT: fixed title (was 'word' but changed to 'work').


Joseph sat on the window seat that his father had made for him, watching the rain bead on the windows and slowly slide off, leaving a small trail of wet behind. His dove flutter around in its cage behind him, unsettled by the storm.

He didn’t turn around to comfort the poor thing like he usually would; he was too sad about his mother, who was slowly dying in the hospital. She was dying from brain cancer, something that nine-year-old Joe wouldn’t understand until he was older, Dad had said. All he knew was that he hated it for hurting his Mother.

“Joseph,” his father said, embracing him in a hug from behind. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll go see her tomorrow.”

A tear ran down his dirt encrusted face. “Shh,” his father soothed, setting him in his lap, and wiping away the tear that was soon followed by another and then another. And soon they were pouring.

His father rocked him back and fourth until the tears finally subsided and he yawned and was overtaken by sleep that pressed against him.

**

“Joseph.”

Joe opened his eyes to the morning light that was shinning in his windows. He watched as it danced across his walls for a minute, enjoying the warmth that it spread. But then he remember his Mother and that his Father had said that they would be visiting her again.

“Hm?” he mumbled and rolled over. “Five more minutes.”

He barely heard a chuckle but was left alone to sleep.

It didn’t seem long for Joe to be waked again by his father. This time, when Joe asked for five more minutes, his father wouldn’t let him. He said, “You’ve already had an extra half hour of sleep. If you want to see your mother today, we’re going to have to go now or never.”

He stretched and felt two strong hands wrap around his side and he was lifted off the bed. With more energy, he slowly undressed himself from his pajamas and got into his street clothes.

His bare feet padded against the hard wood floors as he made his way into the living room, where his dove was at. It took a while for his parents to get him into habit of feeding the dove everyday, but they finally broke him – it was like training a puppy.

“Daddy!” he yelled as he observed the bird that was laying on it’s back, it’s feet in the air.

Heavy foot steps made their way over to Joe, but he hardly noticed. “Oh,” his Father muttered and started opening the cage door. Gently, he cupped his hands around the bird and lifted him out.

“Is he going to be okay?” Joe asked, a tear escaping the corner of his eye.

“I’m sure he is he may just have a tummy ache. Now come on, let’s go see Mommy.” Just as gently as he picked up the dove, he placed it back in its cage.

Somewhat reassured by his words, Joe bounded over to the shoe rack and tied his shoe, singing the song that he learned in school years ago just because he knew and felt like singing it.

He was ready by the time his father was ready. They were just going to walk out the door when Joe got an idea. “Can we take Snow to see the doctor? Maybe he can help his tummy ache.”

“Sure.” Joe’s father hid his doubt from his son by turning away from his as he hopped over to the cage. He picked up the small, portable cage and carried out to the car.

*

“Joseph!” his Mother cried as soon as they entered her room.

“Mommy!” Joseph cried back. “Look, I brought Snow. He has a tummy ache and I thought the doctor could help with that.”

She frowned. “Let me see him.”

He handed the cage to her and watched with amazed eyes as she took the small bird out and kissed the top of its head. The bird looked around and got up and started flapping its wings.

Hiya. I'm reviewing your piece (obviously).
I noticed a lot of grammar mistakes, and I couldn't really concentrate on the storyline, so I'm just going to point those out:

His dove fluttered around in its cage behind him

slowly dying in the hospital. It was brain cancer (I reworded it because saying 'she was dying' twice right next to each other seemed repetitive)

setting him in his lap, Consider replacing 'him' with the boy's name. Just cause you don't want to use pronouns too much.

[s]and[/s]wiping away the tear that was soon followed by [s]and then another[/s] more. And [s]soon[/s] then they were pouring. I reworded this whole sentence because it seemed awkward. It could be better than what I did though, just read it in your head a few times and listen to it.

rocked him back and forth

the tears finally subsided and he [s]yawned and[/s] was overtaken by sleep [s]that pressed against him. [/s]

that was shining in his windows.

But then he remembered his mother and that his father

It didn’t seem long before Joe was woken again by his father

we’re going to have to go now [s]or never[/s].”

wrap around his side [s]and[/s] as he was lifted off the bed

where his dove was [s]at.[/s]

It had taken awhile for his parents also, in the next part, it's 'they had finally broken him'

“Daddy!” he yelled as he observed[b] Find a better verb than 'observed'. Even 'saw' would be better. the bird that was laying on it’s back, it’s feet in the air. When you want to write it in a possessive form (like here) the correct spelling is 'its', with no apostrophe. When you want to abbreviate 'it is', you use the apostrophe. So what you have here is, the bird was laying on it is back, it is feet in the air.Doesn't sound quite right.

and [s]started opening[/s] to open

“I’m sure he just has a tummy ache.

Just as gently as he had picked up the dove

Maybe he can help Snow's tummy ache.”

Sorry about all the corrections, but good grammar is really important. About the actual piece though, there's no emotion. The kid's mom is dying of brain cancer and all you can say is that 'he cries'. You said he didn't understand what that was, so show us instead of telling us--his confusion at seeing his mother in pain, his sadness at his father's sadness, etc, etc. Give us some emotion. That goes for the end too: it was obviously supposed to be a touching moment, but it just didn't work. You can have fun with metaphors and imagery to really help the reader feel what's going on. (I know I'm a bit harsh, but I do think this has potential if you revise it.) Good luck-hope my suggestions helped.

Hi, Googly. I don't think we've met before.

You've got something that has the potential to be a good piece here, but it seems a bit detached at the moment, as another reviewer said. You also overuse adverbs, which should be a last resort.

watching the rain bead on the windows and slowly slide off,

His father rocked him back and fourth until the tears finally subsided

he slowly undressed himself

They're just a few examples. Adverbs are a sign of an amateur in writing, as they show that the author isn't confident that the rest of their descriptions have conveyed the meaning well enough. Try to cut down on them and instead focus on things like characterisation. If we know the character better, we should be able to guess how they would do certain things. That's the bond you're trying to establish with your reader in a piece like this.

Another big problem you have is showing instead of telling. The first massive instance of it is here:

he was too sad about his mother, who was slowly dying in the hospital. She was dying from brain cancer, something that nine-year-old Joe wouldn’t understand until he was older, Dad had said. All he knew was that he hated it for hurting his Mother.

This is what creates the detached feeling to the story. Instead of stating how your characters feel, show us through their action and dialogue. This is a somewhat blatant information dump, and might put off some readers. Try to incorporate details as the story progresses. In fact, it would be good to use a hint of this at the very beginning to hook your readers. They'll want to know more and as the story moves on, you reveal more and more. Just an idea.

Something else you might want to watch is your repetition. It happens quite often and it tends to jar, distracting your readers from the characters and plot. Here's one for you to fix up:

that was soon followed by another and then another. And soon they were pouring.

The "another and then another" is intentional, I know. However, your repetition of "soon" is accidental, I'm pretty sure. Try to replace one of them with another word, or just deleting the first.

There are a number of others throughout the story. Look through and see if you can find them. Delete as many as you can.

I won't comment on all of the grammatical errors, because the other reviewer's already done that, I believe. Good luck with fixing this up. It's actually pretty good - you've just got some flaws to work through. The concept itself is interesting. If you post another part, I'd be happy to read it. PM me if you want another critique.

-Mat

Bad girl! Bad girl!

You broke the most important rule of all:

You told us, you didn’t show us:

Quote:

he was too sad about his mother, who was slowly dying in the hospital. She was dying from brain cancer, something that nine-year-old Joe wouldn’t understand until he was older, Dad had said. All he knew was that he hated it for hurting his Mother

This piece has much potential but it is weighed down by small itty-bitty errors.
For example: too many adverbs!!!
Try, if you can to use one adverb per sentence.
That’s my rule but....