Glass eyes and Ghosts

Anna, her mother, and her two friends, Alyson and Hannah, sat silently as they drove to Anna's grandfather's house.

Anna sat teary eyed and stared out at the flat landscape.Her grandfather had died and depression hit her like a hammer.

She was very close to her grandfather so when she turned 13 and wanted to spend more time with her friends, he would call every night just to hear her voice.

Anna wiped the tears away from her bright green eyes. Alyson placed a tender hand on her shoulder. Anna turned around and looked at her friends.

Alyson had midnight black hair and misty blue eyes. She had pretty fair skin. Hannah on the other hand had fairly dark skin. She looked like she had spent an afternoon or two out in the sun. She had dark brown hair and green eyes.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" her mother asked, looking at the three of them with her hazel eyes, through the rear-view mirror.

Anna nodded and not another word was said the rest of the way there.

***

By the time they got there, the wind had started to pick up, blowing Anna's hazel brown hair and brushing against her tan skin. The wind blowing the lime green leaves of the towering oak trees.

Inside, the house smelled like a combination of her grandfather's cologne and freshly cut wood.

Anna's mother told her and her friends to go through the barrel making shack in the woods behind the house.

Anna, Alyson, and Hannah headed toward the woods. The wind blowing their hair and rustling the leaves of the trees. The mid- summer heat rain down on them like a thunderstorm. They heard birds fly over head and squirrels chatter amongst the trees.

When they got to the shack they decided it would be best to split up and each search a different section of the shack.

Anna started with one of her grandfather's various tool boxes. There was nothing of much interest about the tools, but for some strange reason she felt obligated to search it anyway.

She was just about to give searching, when she found a little, red velvet box. Anna opened it and dumped it out into her hand. It was a glass eye. Her eyes grew wide with shock and yet, amusement. There was something about the eye that made her feel happy and scared. Although, she thought this was strange because her grandfather didn't need a glass eye.

Anna held it in her hand and out of the corner of her eye she saw something ever- so- slightly move. She looked up and noticed that all the color of the world had faded away. Everything was different shades of gray instead of the various colors of the natural world. She looked around the room and saw that there was none of the same furniture. Everything was white washed. The walls, the ceiling, the floor,...... everything. She saw people pacing up and down the long, narrow, corridors in white lab coats and hideous white dresses with horrible sail boat shaped hats.

She looked over to her right and saw a young man standing, back against the wall, arms folded, staring at her. The expression on his face made her drop the eye on the table. She stumbled backward into the wall. She felt dizzy. She closed her eyes trying to fight off fainting. She opened her eyes and everything was back to normal. All of the color was back and she was back in the shack.

She walked back to the table and picked up the eye again and all of the color began to fade away once more. She saw a the same hospital like building and all of the hospital like furniture.

She remembered the man and looked back in that direction. The man was there again but this time he was closer. The man was now within arm's reach of her.

Anna felt dizzy again, and this time she fell to the floor.

***
Alyson and Hannah heard the muffled 'thump' as Anna fell to the floor. They rushed toward the sound and found Anna lying on the floor unconscious, eye still held tightly in her hand.



An unknown amount of time later she awoke to see her mother and friends sitting around her.

She tried to sit up but was immediately struck by dizziness, and decided it best to lay still.

"Are you okay?" her mother asked.

When Anna tried to open her mouth to speak, only rasping wheezing sounds emitted.

ok, this is good. It has a real intence ending that makes me want to read more. Most of the grammer was good. You only had a few grammer issues that were probably just type-o's.

Anna, her mother, and her two friends, Alyson and Hannah, sat silent as they drove to Anna's grandfather's house.

silently or in silence.

Anna sat teary eyed and starred out at the flat landscape.

stared

She was very close to her grandfather so when she turned 13 and wanted to spend more time with her friends, he woudl call every night just to hear her voice.

you need a cama after "so" and "13" needs to be spelled out.

Hannah on the other hand had fairly dark skin.

You need a coma after "Hannah"

the mid- summer heat rain down on them like a thunderstorm.

Forgot to capitalize in the beginning of your sentence and I think you meant, ran down on them.

When they got to the shack they decided it would be best to split up and each search a different section of the shack.

You need a coma after the prepositional phrase in the beginning of the sentence.

She was just about to give searching, when she found a little, red velvet box.

give up

She looked around the room and saw that there was none of the same furniture.

This sentence is a little mixed up. Maybe you should change it to, She looked around the room and saw that there was all different furniture.

The man was there again but this time he was closer.

Your missing a comma right before the "but"

Anna asked who he was but she got no response.

Again, missing a comma right before the "but"

Hope this helps.
AJ

Okay, I kinda liked it, but I think that it was moving too fast and that you need people to talk. Also, can you describe the g randfather more? And the friends and the mom? And I think it would be good if you put more into the first part, because it seems pretty random to me.

Sorry, but when people give oyu harsh comments, that means that they atill believe in you enough that you can be better. I believe in you.

Hey again archer123.

Anna sat teary eyed and starred out at the flat landscape.


Her grandfather had died and depression hit her like a hammer.

These two ideas should link instead of being on separate paragraphs. This is because Anna's crying is a consequence of her grandfather's death.

She was very close to her grandfather so when she turned 13 and wanted to spend more time with her friends, he woudl call every night just to hear her voice.

"Would". You should had also started a new sentence from "he would" because it's talking about a different idea.

Alyson had midnight black hair and misty blue eyes. She had pretty fair skin. Hannah on the other hand had fairly dark skin. She looked like she had spent an afternoon or two out in the sun. She had dark brown hair and green eyes.

You do not need to describe to us their appearance. It doesn't really do much in terms of telling a story.

Overall impressions:

Twilightxd has covered most of the line to lines in your piece. Here, I'm going to talk about ways in which you can improve your writing. I think that you have quite a strong concept here, but it doesn't have enough detail to convince the reader. Everything happens too quickly and as a result, it's all a blur to the audience.

I can tell that Anna loves her grandfather if she's willing to make the effort to phone call him so often. Not many teens nowadays would actually make that effort. However, I would like to see more of that throughout the piece. The first few lines of the piece briefly touched on the relationship but the rest of the piece talks about something else. Didn't the narrator felt anything when she had arrived at her grandfather's house? What about when she was walking in the house? What did the narrator felt about having to raid her grandfather's stuff? Was she for it or against it? Talk more about what the narrator is feeling so that we as the audience would be able to sympathize with her. This is the death of someone's grandfather, someone that's very dear to a family. Wouldn't you be upset if your grandfather died?

I would also like more of an idea of how the narrator's friends and mother comforted the narrator. I'm sure that your family members and friends love you very much and would do anything to ensure that your safe and happy. For the narrator however, it doesn't seem as though they care. No one really made an effort to at least ask her if she's alright. They simply left her to bear with the loss of her father's death. I'm also surprised that they didn't seem to be upset about her grandfather's death either.

You also need more description in this piece. You've only used like one sentence as an attempt to describe a certain place or item, but that isn't enough to help the audience to picture what's happening. Don't be afraid to describe, I know it's hard but you have to at least make a bolder effort. Consider the senses: Smell, touch, sight, sound and taste. Use them to add more detail into your descriptions. It's OK if your descriptions come out wrong, that's part of growing up to be a better writer ^.^ It's better to at least describe more than to do little or no describing at all.

Lastly, your sentences are pretty boring. They all start with "Name or pronoun + verb + object". Try to vary your sentences to create more of an effort of what's happening. Look up the following sentence types on google: Complex, compound complex, periodic and loose. These are the four sentence types that are available in creative writing. Even the best writers on the site are confined to these four sentence types. Go and study them and I assure you that your writing skills will improve dramatically.

That's all I have to say. I wish you good luck and be sure to edit this. You have a good concept here so keep going. ^.^

Andy.

hello, archer123..

Glass eyes and Ghosts..nice title.where'd you get it?

actually, it was nice..building up suspense and mystery.though there are some errors, a few corrections and it will be fine.

i would love to read more from you..!



god bless.

Thanks. I will definitely rewrite this story.

Here I am to do my copeyeditor act.

okay lessee here...

Anna, her mother, and her two friends, Alyson and Hannah, sat silent as they drove to Anna's grandfather's house.

i don't know, but i think that is one too many ideas to just one sentence. try and rewrite that. or not. i may be wrong.

Anna sat teary eyed and stared out at the flat landscape.

Her grandfather had died and depression hit her like a hammer.

i understand that separating the paragraphs give sit dramatic oomph but try to link those please it looks better. trust me.

She was very close to her grandfather so when she turned 13 and wanted to spend more time with her friends, he would call every night just to hear her voice.

again i think that's a little much to a sentence. and because she's close to him is no reason for himto call her every night. say that they were mutually close. (but not in those words)

Alyson had midnight black hair and misty blue eyes. She had pretty fair skin. Hannah on the other hand had fairly dark skin. She looked like she had spent an afternoon or two out in the sun. She had dark brown hair and green eyes.

Im going to be a hypocrite for a moment and say that this is info dump-y. try to be a little more subtle. work it in in different ways

By the time they got there, the wind had started to pick up, blowing Anna's hazel brown hair and brushing against her tan skin.

again too many ideas to a sentence and a little info dump-y.

Inside, the house smelled like a combination of her grandfather's cologne and freshly cut wood.

make freshly fresh. freshly is an adverb(which you should try to avoid anyway) and the way you're using it is in an adjective sense.

When they got to the shack they decided it would be best to split up and each search a different section of the shack.

why do they feel they have to search this shack? I wouldn't just go traipsing into some random shack in the middle of the woods? do they know what this shack is?

Anna held it in her hand and out of the corner of her eye she saw something ever- so- slightly move.

find another way to say moved just a a little. first of slightly is an adverb, and therefore redundant or irrelevant. plus it just sounds unprofessional.

She awoke an unknown amount of time later in a small, isolated room.

unknown amount of time later? either give a unit of time (an hour, thirty minutes) or just say later.

She tried to sit up but was immediately struck by dizziness and decided it best just to lay still.

take out immediately. if you just say struck with dizziness it is implied that it happens with the motion which technically is immediately.

He sat smiling at her. She smiled back and tried to say, "hello," but instead of words, only raping wheezing sounds emitted.

trust me. raping is the wrong word.

overall, kinda of a weird way to start off but i like it. not a whole bunch of errors but when she faints where the heck are her friends? way to just abandon her...

8/10 in my book. keep at it.

it's supposted to be rasping, weezing sound.

Hi, Archer! I'm Dark Angel, and though most of the things I had to say are above, I thought I'd put in my two cents. >.<

Anna, Alyson, and Hannah headed toward the woods. The wind blowing their hair and rustling the leaves of the trees. the mid- summer heat rain down on them like a thunderstorm.

I know part of this section was already discussed, but I just thought I'd offer a rewrite for it. I know you're trying to offer some sensory details, but maybe rewrite like this: "Anna, Alyson, and Hannah headed towards the woods. The wind blew their hair around and rustled the leaves of the trees, the mid-summer hear raining down on them like a thunderstorm." I think that flows a little better.

Everything were different shades of gray

That should be was.

She looked over to her right and saw a young man standing, back against the wall, arms folded, staring at her. The expression on his face made her drop the eye on the table. She stumbled backward into the wall. She felt dizzy. She closed her eyes trying to fight off fainting. She opened her eyes and everything was back to normal.

Maybe describe the young man more? What does he look like? What kind of expression makes her drop the eye? Also, you could connect the sensory details again, for instance: "She felt dizzy, closing her eyes trying to fight off fainting. But as she opened her eyes, everything was back to normal." That makes it so not all the sentences start with "she," as Squall mentioned.

Okay, that's my bit. (: Wonderful idea, be sure to keep going with it! Oh, and like dragnet said, don't get discouraged by harsh criticism. It means only that we believe in you. =] Feel free to PM me with any questions or anything else.

~Dark Angel

This is a very interesting beginning for what could be an interesting story. Even in its rough state, it brings up a lot of questions for the reader, making them want to read further. It has a lot of potential, just needs a bit of work.

Basically, it just needs a bit more detail. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to describe everything down to the last detail, but we the readers need a bit more detail in order to fully visualize your story. I think you have the basic story down, you just need to expand from your sentences.

Anna, her mother, and her two friends, Alyson and Hannah, sat silent as they drove to Anna's grandfather's house.

Anna sat teary eyed and stared out at the flat landscape.

Like this one, all it needs is a bit of expanding. Like, maybe just mention Anna and her mother at first: Anna and her mother were silent as they drove to Grandfather's house. Her two best friends, Alyson and Hannah, were also silent as they clutched Anna's hands in support. Anna drew comfort from the presence of her two friends, but she stared out the window instead of paying attention to them.

The fields and bushes of the flat landscape blended together into one green blur as tears filled her eyes once more. She didn't want to think of the reason of why they were heading to her grandfather's house, but she couldn't help it. Her grandfather was dead.

No more nightly phone calls, no more weekend visits, no more hugs. He was gone and she wasn't sure what she was going to do now. Her grandfather had been a major part of her life and now he was gone. Worst of all, they were going to his house in order to sort through his stuff....

And so on and so forth. Just take the sentence you have and think of how you can expand it so that you have maybe 3 or 4 sentences to a paragraph. Also, add in dialogue. Dialogue can add in so much detail with out making the reader feel like your telling them the story instead of showing it. Instead of floating heads, you seem to have a silent movie playing. Dialogue could make the whole story pop, give it a try.

Dialogue could help this part be longer:

Anna's mother told her and her friends to go through the barrel making shack in the woods behind the house.

Although, it could also use a bit more description. You mention how the house smells like, but how does Anna feel about being in her grandfather's house? Why does the mom send them out to the barrel-making shack instead of having them search the house? Why are they allowed to go out there on their own? Maybe that might be the time to talk about where the grandfather lived. I mean, I live in the city, maybe the grandfather lives in the country? Details, details.

Also, I know this was mentioned before, but why are they going through the shack? What are they looking for, what is the mission the mom sent them on? This is where dialogue could help.

Maybe: Fresh tears rolled down Anna's eyes as the smell hit her; the house smelled like a combination of her grandfather's cologne and freshly cut wood. This would be about the time that her grandfather would come to greet the family and Anna couldn't help but glance toward the doorway. But, her grandfather didn't appear.

Anna's mother noticed her daughter's sadness and gave her a sad smile. She gave Anna a hug as they looked around the empty kitchen. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine," Anna replied, though her heart wasn't in it. She brushed the tears away from her eyes.

"You could go out and look through the barrel workshop, if you want. See if you can find anything belonging to your grandfather, his tool box especially," her mother offered.

"All right." Anna stayed in her mother's arms for a little while longer before breaking away.

And so on. Also, I'm not sure if 'shack' is the correct word that you want to use. I mean, when I think of shack, I think of a small, run down building. Like, a one room type of a thing, big enough for a bed and maybe a small table. Not like a work shop, or the type of building that three kids can separate and not notice a man standing in the middle of the clutter. Of course, this is where description could come in handy. I mean, my great-grandpa built boats and he had a workshop at the back of his house. And we call it a shed/garage. So, it might be possible for your character to explain how they always called it a shack, though it was a bigger building. Maybe her friends could be the one to start off that description, being startled at the big building that was the 'shack' and remarking on it as dialogue.

There was nothing of much interest about the tools, but for some strange reason she felt obligated to search it anyway.

This is a part where you really need the description in the 'scene' where Anna's mother sends them out to the workshop. I mean, what are they looking for? Are they looking for treasure, or something that they want to keep?

She was just about to give searching, when she found a little, red velvet box. Anna opened it and dumped it out into her hand. It was a glass eye.

I totally missed this part my first time around. My first question, though, is why was the velvet box in the tool box? I mean, usually people just keep tools in a tool box and if there is something other than tools, it's a project that they're working on, or something like that. Is this something that her grandfather worked with as a tool, or was he hiding it? And, if he was hiding it, wouldn't be in an out of the way place, and not the first tool box one would come across? Keep in mind that you don't have to answer those questions within this first chapter, because it would be strange for your character to know what the eye was and yet be shocked about it. But, maybe these questions would be what she would ask herself?

Also, you should connect the last two sentences within the quote. Though, I do have to wonder why she dumped the box out into her hand, why couldn't she just look? And why wasn't she freaked out by an eyeball falling into her hand?

Then, everything went blank.

She awoke an unknown amount of time later in a small, isolated room.

Why didn't she just drop the eye again? Why was she still there? Again, just things to think about.

This story definitely needs dialogue to keep the reader with the story. I mean, the only piece of dialogue that you have is when she tries, and doesn't even really speak it, to say hello. But, keep your reader focused. Spend more time on the eye and what the eye is causing. Allow your character to voice her confusion. And, don't forget about her friends. Make sure that they aren't just there as a cameo and that they have something to do with the story. Because, right now they don't really do much for the story. Now, I know that isn't the sort of thing that would be apparent in the first chapter, but sometimes you have to glance ahead a bit in order to make sure that some things are necessary.

Above all, this all has potential. Just because something needs work, doesn't mean it isn't good. And, this is certainly interesting. The glass eye makes the reader wonder what it is and what is going on. And, we start to wonder what's going to happen to Anna. And what her grandfather really did, and why he had the glass eye.

Don't forget about YWS' Knowledge Base, it is just full of interesting and helpful stuff for writers at many different stages. My favorite one is Snoink's Dialogue Grammar, which has all of the grammar tricks that one needs to write dialogue.

Just keep writing, and everything will improve. Practice makes perfect applies to writing just as much as anything! Good luck with your writing!

- Tatra

It looks like everyone else covered all the grammatical errors and everything, so I'm just going to give you my opinion.

Honestly, I didn't read this whole piece. Not because it wasn't good or interesting - the problem was that you spent the majority of your time TELLING us about the character instead of SHOWING us your character.

I have no idea what Anna is like. I don't know if she's shy or quiet or angry or rebellious. I know she's fair, has black hair and blue eyes. But that doesn't really matter.

Your readers have to fall in love with your character before they love your story. So spend a little more time showing us who Anna is instead of just telling us that her grandfather died and she's sad. That's boring, and it's obvious that you're a better writer than that.

Don't take this two harshly - you've got a lot of readers here who obviously like your plot. I think your title rocks and Anna seems like a likable character. But we have to get inside her head more. Okay? Okay.

Good luck! Looking forward to reading some more.

~Sunny

I've edited the story so if you would please read over it again and tell me what you think!

Anna and Hannah's names are too much alike. I keep getting confused. Change Hannah's name to something more unique.

If Hannah' skin is so dark, then she would have spent more than an afternoon or two out in the sun.

Um, why are they going through Anna's grandfather's barrel making shake? I spelt that wrong. It's like they're looking for something...

Where she is when she hold the glass eye confuses me. It sounds like she's in the hospital and the shack at the same time. Does she get transported? Is she seeing something others can not? Has he soul left her body? When she passes out and is still holding the glass eye, is she still in the hospital world or hers?

Other than that, it's okay. Keep working.