The Zipper of Your Pants part 3

I'm not happy with this yet, but I'm not quite sure what it needs done to it. It's rather frustrating.

Dropping my pen, I sighed. “There. All of your math, done.”
Sara glanced up from her computer, grinning. “Good pet.”
I growled, taking a mock swing at her which she batted away with a laugh. “Now now, don’t get shitty, or you’ll have to sleep on the floor.”
I sighed. “Some friend you are. I get kicked out only to become your slave.”
“Pet.” She corrected. “Slaves are sentient.”
My eyes narrowed. “Jokes on you, I did your homework.”
Sara shrugged. “It doesn’t take brains to drive a calculator, moron. I would just much rather be on my computer.”
I grunted. “What are you doing?” I tried to peer over her shoulder, only to watch the screen go black. Sara’s finger was on the monitor’s power button, preventing me from turning it back on.
“Hey! What’s the deal?” I turned to frown at her, confused. Her expression was like a dash of cold water to the face, the smoldering anger in her eyes left me spluttering and shivering.
“Keep your nose out of what you don’t understand.” Her voice was menacing, but not the teasing type I was used to. I did an impression of a fish, my jaw dropping open, my eyes wide. “What? What did I do?”
“Don’t stick your nose in other people’s business, Rachel.”
I leant back, raising my hands in front of me, palms outwards in a sign of submission. “Right, no nose-sticking. I get it. Okay? Now chill!”
She nodded and relaxed, but I could still smell the sparks coming off her. I don’t know what she was doing, but it must have been bad. Sara isn’t ashamed of anything. I felt anxiousness grow as I sat back down. What had her so defensive? Sure, she isn’t the best kind of friend in the world, but she’s all I have. If she’s in trouble, then I don’t know what I would do.

Great. I sighed inwardly. Another thing to worry about. I found my hand inside my pocket, fingering the small bag inside. All of a sudden a couple of hours of drug-induced wonder and floating seemed very attractive. All my worries, gone for a short window of time. But I think Sara would have lost it completely.
I frowned. Why was she so anti-drugs anyway? I hadn’t even ever seen her drink. She looks the type, with her psychedelic fashion sense and huge mood swings. She really didn’t seem the ‘hugs not drugs’ type.

Pain jabbed my upper arm and I was thrown out of my thoughts as I glanced up, to see Sara grinning down at me. Incident forgotten, she was back to her malicious, cheery self. “Come on, tea’s up.”
“That hurt.” I rubbed my upper arm, frowning at her.
“Aww, don’t sulk. I only hit you lightly.”
“Sure you did. Anyway, did I hear something about food?”
She smiled, and I let myself relax. Whatever it was that was so private, Sara could handle it. She could handle pretty much anything. Casting my troubles away like so much unwanted garbage, I stood and followed her to the kitchen.
The smell of baked chicken and onion hit me like a wall, making my mouth water. The chocolate and chips suddenly seemed like a millennia ago, and I felt my stomach snarl, demanding I fill it soon.
I tore my eyes off the steaming platters of food, smiling nervously at the woman dishing. She was surprisingly young looking, her hair the same colour as her children’s, her complexion flawless. She smiled slightly, nodding to an empty chair. “Sit.”
I sat, glancing around the room. It was, again, surprisingly normal. The dining table was near the kitchen area, with enough seating for six. One of the seats was claimed by a man, who looked about mid thirties, but must have been older. After all, Sara called him Dad, and she was sixteen. And he didn’t look the type to have a child at anything younger then twenty.
He nodded silently, taking a bite of his chicken.
I picked up my fork, looking at my food hungrily. Should I start? Sara’s father was eating. But not everyone was seated. I glanced at Sara nervously, to see her shoveling down her food.
I relaxed, and deciding it must be okay, took a bite. The chicken was moist, falling apart in my mouth as the subtle flavours of rosemary and onion were released. My stomach demanded more, and soon I was mimicking Sara, barely breathing between mouthfuls. I had devoured half of my plate before I noticed someone else had joined the table, and faltered slightly.
Sara’s brother was watching me, a small smile twitching at his thin lips. I froze, a forkful of chicken forgotten inches from my mouth. It was as if I was being pulled apart in front of those grey eyes and analyzed carefully, no facet of my life and personality going unnoticed.
His smile grew slightly, then his gaze dropped to his plate. I breathed out, trying to shake off the chains of his lingering stare. I studied instead the chicken on my fork, desperately trying to remember what I should do with it.
“Rach. You alright?”
“Huh?” I blinked, staring dumbly at Sara.
“Look, don’t worry about your parents. They’ll get over it.”
I frowned slightly, unsure what she was talking about. Then, as if the floodgates had burst, I remembered.
“Oh! Yeah. I’ll be okay.” Of course that was what I was thinking about, I added silently. Not your strange brother. I risked a glance at him, but he was moodily intent on his chicken, apparently sniffing each one before taking tentative bites. Very strange, I corrected myself.

Sara noticed my interest and smirked, lowering her voice. “That’s my dorky brother. He’s really a blood sucking vampire, you know.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, shaking my head. Sara’s family took no notice, but kept on eating.
Sara smirked. “You don’t believe me? Fair enough. You want to go to the movies tonight?”
The question caught me off-guard, as I scrambled to keep up with her butterfly mind. “Huh?”
“Moo-vies. You know, you sit in a dark room, and there is bi-ig beautiful pictures in front of you, and they even move!”
“Ha-ha.” I stood up from the table, turning to Sara’s mother. “Thank you for dinner.”
She just nodded, still staring blankly at her food. I frowned, and I got the distinct impression that I had been dismissed.
I turned back to Sara, my decision made. “Let’s go.”

Hehe. Your turn Chey.

I tore my eyes off the steaming platters of food, smiling nervously at the woman dishing.

Woman dishing?

I glanced at Sara nervously, to see her shoveling down her food.

Nervously? Seems to come out of the blue.

Overall impressions:

If this piece was written for a younger audience, say the school journal, then this would have been quite a great entry for it. But if you are writing this for a teenage audience, then you need more depth in this. I like Sara's relationship with the narrator, how they made childish jokes towards one another and put each other down, but is that all their relationship is based on, or is there more? Take my relationship with you as an example. Is it always one sided, or do our conversations and moods alternate? It also helps if you had discussed more about Sara's family to provide more insight on her as a character.

I also suggest taking the time to describe the setting more, not only to help the audience paint a better picture in their mind, but to help them understand the area in which they live in better and the possible social factors that could had influenced their relationship.

That's just some of my suggestions as to how you could add more depth to this. I really like Sara as a character, but I didn't really like the piece on the whole (was close though) because there isn't much for me to search for in this piece.

Anyways, I should go to bed now. It's 3:26 AM and I'm starting to see chimps. Just felt like giving you a quick review before I .

Andy --->

yay update!
well, i liked it. though it still kinda seems like its searching for a plot.. just my opinion.
the brother sounds interesting, and mildly weird.
Sara is awesome.
Rachel is cool too.
anyway, more soon.

Here as requested, Nutty!

Sara’s finger was on the monitor’s power button, preventing me from turning it back on.

This reads a bit clumsily because of the multiple apostrophes. I would consider removing the 'monitor's' so it read: Sara’s finger was on the power button, preventing me from turning it back on.
You don't need to specify it's on the monitor, the reader will get what you're on about.

Her expression was like a dash of cold water to the face, the smoldering anger in her eyes left me spluttering and shivering.

This would read better if you replaced the comma with 'and'.

I felt anxiousness grow as I sat back down.

Insert 'my' before 'anxiousness', it makes it more personal and more obvious that it's related to her. Also, it reads better.

What had her so defensive?

This would read better if you wrote, 'What had made her so defensive?'

Sure, she isn’t the best kind of friend in the world, but she’s all I have. If she’s in trouble, then I don’t know what I would do.

You should make it more obvious that these are thoughts, because otherwise it seems like you're addressing the reader, and that's a bit unnerving. If you want to make it less colloquial, and keep the tenses the same, rephrase:

She wasn't the best kind of friend in the world, but she was all I had. If she was ever in trouble, I don't know what I'd do.

Great. I sighed inwardly.

'Great' should be in italics because it's thoughts.

I found my hand inside my pocket, fingering the small bag inside.

You found your hand inside your pocket? This makes it seem like you lost it, which is obviously impossible. Did you mean, 'I put my hand inside my pocket' or something along those lines?

All my worries, gone for a short window of time.

I'm not sure I agree with the allusion of time being a window. It doesn't quite fit.

But I think Sara would have lost it completely.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

She looks the type, with her psychedelic fashion sense and huge mood swings.

'Looks' = 'looked' because you're writing in past tense.

Whatever it was that was so private, Sara could handle it.

This is a bit awkward, because of the multiple 'was's. This isn't the best example, but try to change it to something along the lines of, 'Whatever she had to hide'. That's a crap example, you can do better, but change it, anyways.

I tore my eyes off the steaming platters of food, smiling nervously at the woman dishing.

Do you mean, 'dishing it out' or something like that?

She smiled slightly, nodding to an empty chair. “Sit.”

The alliteration of 'smiled slightly' makes this sentence off. Maybe 'smiled lightly' or 'smiled gently'. Something like that.

After all, Sara called him Dad, and she was sixteen. And he didn’t look the type to have a child at anything younger then twenty.

'At' = 'Aged.' Sounds better.

He nodded silently, taking a bite of his chicken.

'He nodded silently at me' would make more sense. Otherwise it seems like he's just nodding randomly to himself. ^_^ Schizophrenic, eh?

I picked up my fork, looking at my food hungrily. Should I start?

'Should I start' = Italics. Because it's thoughts.

But not everyone was seated.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

I glanced at Sara nervously, to see her shoveling down her food.

Something I've noticed is that you've used the word 'glanced' too often. I understand this is a hard thing to pick up on when you're writing, which is why I'm here. 'Glanced' works here, so when you're using it to describe her looking around the room, change it to something else. Am I not making sense? Okay, if I'm not, just do a search through your document to find all usage of the word 'glance'. That will show you. Okay, I'm getting OCD-ish here, so I'll stop. ^_^

I studied instead the chicken on my fork, desperately trying to remember what I should do with it.

The first part would sound better if you wrote, 'Instead, I studied the chicken on my fork.' Maybe that's just personal preference.

I risked a glance at him, but he was moodily intent on his chicken, apparently sniffing each one before taking tentative bites.

Do you mean 'moodily intent on eating his chicken?' I don't know whether you meant, 'eating', but something seems to be missing.

Very strange, I corrected myself.

This would be funnier if you wrote: 'I corrected myself. Very strange.'

The question caught me off-guard, as I scrambled to keep up with her butterfly mind.

Butterfly mind? I get what you're trying to say, but make it clearer.

“Moo-vies. You know, you sit in a dark room, and there is bi-ig beautiful pictures in front of you, and they even move!”

I just thought I would say, this made me laugh.

Okay, Nutty. This was good. I really like Sara's character, and the dialogue is very realistic. Just what teenage girls their age would say. I hate reading stories where there's teenagers talking, and it's completely implausible. Yours is authentic, real. I also like the conversations because they're witty and made me laugh. I do like the personality of Sara, you're building it up splendidly. My main problem, characterisation-wise, is the personality of the main character. This can be a problem when narrating from first person, as I've found myself. Her personality isn't really coming out. Check character development essays on Google. They might prove helpful! Have the characters interact. Good dialogue tells a lot about characters - which you've obviously found, and are starting to do. I really want to see the protagonist's personality come out.

Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

I like the fact that you have intrigue and aren't telling the reader everything, this makes us want to read on and you've already covered a large part of the previous pargraph, yet this is only Chapter 3. That's great. A little more description of surroundings + people would be great - okay, I know I'm biased because I'm a complete description freak, but just try to be a bit more artistic with your words and it would read a lot better.

Keep writing! It's really good and you shouldn't give up on it.

Good luck!

-Sarah

Rawr. So, I'm here for the third critique. I'm expecting that this one won't be as long. I'm going to write it as I go so I don't miss anything that could help you.

I sighed. “Some friend you are. I get kicked out only to become your slave.”

Ick. "Only to become your slave" sounds odd. Try rephrasing it. Maybe: "I didn't come here to be your slave."

“Jokes on you,"

*Joke's. As in, the joke is on you. xD

I would just much rather be on my computer.”

Awkward wording again. Try, "I'd rather..."

“Don’t stick your nose in other people’s business, Rachel.”

Hmm... I'm not sure what's off here. Try to reword it, though. Maybe change "in" to "into"? Remember, these are all just suggestions. I'm not trying to write your story.

I felt anxiousness grow as I sat back down.

"I felt anxious as I..." Remember your economy of words. ...Or whatever you called it. xD It's always better to be succinct.

All of a sudden a couple of hours of drug-induced wonder and floating seemed very attractive.

"All of a sudden" is a phrase you should probably avoid. It's a bit abrupt and cliche.

But I think Sara would have lost it completely.

Kill the adverbs. xD Also, sentences starting with "But" are not recommended.

I hadn’t even ever seen her drink.

"I'd never seen her drink."

I only hit you lightly.”

xD You hit me all the time, and you don't say "lightly" when I complain. See, real life does help.

“That hurt.” I rubbed my upper arm, frowning at her.

“Aww, don’t sulk. I only hit you lightly.”

“Sure you did. Anyway, did I hear something about food?”

Rachel seems to transition from being defensive from sarcastic in about a second. Cut "Sure you did."

smiling nervously at the woman dishing. She was surprisingly young looking, her hair the same colour as her children’s, her complexion flawless. She smiled slightly,

Ow, what is that, like three adverbs in 20-30 words? xD What you said is right. They do breed.

It was, again, surprisingly normal.

It's like you're referencing your sdverbs over and over again.

looking at my food hungrily.

You already has a paragraph about how the smell hit you like a wall, and the simile was about a million times better. Cut that.

And he didn’t look the type to have a child at anything younger then twenty.

The type? You should describe him to us more instead of making assumptions. Of course, it shows that the character is fast to judge, I suppose, but it doesn't help us with Sara's father.

He nodded silently,

I've never heard a noise while someone nodded anyway, unless they were saying something. See, most of the adverbs are even more redundant, because you've explained the character well earlier in the piece, and we're beginning to understand how she does things.

analyzed carefully

The word analysed typically (okay, I use them in critiques ) does imply carefulness. Also, the brother is an interesting character on first impression. I want to see more of him.

I breathed out, trying to shake off the chains

Cut "off."

and there is bi-ig beautiful pictures in front of you

*twitches* Is her grammar supposed to be wrong?

And that's it. ^^ This was an interesting chapter. It introduced another couple of things that might be interesting in the future - her strange family, whatever she was doing on the computer - so I think you're doing really well. It'll be interesting to see what path you follow with it, so I'll like forward to the next chapter.

Your biggest problem is still the adverbs. Now that you know how much of a Nazi I am over them, you might be too afraid to use them.

And your strength is still keeping your readers interested, I think. Despite a lot - most, maybe - of your writing being dialogue, it's still being entertaining and it makes me think about what's going to happen next. Sara's an engaging enough character already, but continue to flesh her on Rachel out. I suppose her family will be more secondary characters (except for maybe her brother? xD) so they won't need to have as much detail to them, but try to invest them with more life. As it is, they're interesting, and I want to find out more.

Also, I agree that you need to use more description. The family in particular, I think. Don't forget that you can use their appearances to help flesh out their characters as well. Some general descriptions of where they are wouldn't be bad either. Of course, I can't really say much - my stories are basically scripts. xD

Good job. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

-Mat

Hey, Nutty!

I’m sorry this took so long. Ha, I have but one weakness and it is boys. Sorry. Well, I know plenty of people have reviewed already but I’m too lazy to read them so I’m just going to say what I’m going to say.

I'm not happy with this yet, but I'm not quite sure what it needs done to it. It's rather frustrating.

I think you’re feeling this way because this is simply filler. I mean, other than the information you acquire about Sara and her family and that whole computer thing (curios), this is just, well, the filling in the Jell-O cake.

Dropping my pen, I sighed. “There. All of your math, done.”

This first bit sounds tremendously awkward and I think it’s due mainly to word choice. Try something more along the lines of: “Exhausted, I tossed my pen out of the way and sighed. ‘There, your math is done.’”

Sara glanced up from her computer, grinning. “Good pet.”

Again, this is just awkward. What about: “Grinning, Sara glanced up from her computer. ‘That’s a good pet.’” I don’t know if this is exactly how you want the dialogue to go but it’s just an example.

“Some friend you are. I get kicked out only to become your slave.”

Okay, wow, I see myself doing a lot of the same thing. Ha, oh well, its out of enjoyment. Anyway, between the words “out” and “only” perhaps add “of my own home.”

“Slaves are sentient.”

I think sentient is the wrong word. It would be the same as saying “Slaves are aware.” And it might just be me, but I’ve never thought oh slaves as aware. But I don’t spend a lot of time thinking on slaves.

“It doesn’t take brains to drive a calculator, moron. I would just much rather be on my computer.”

Ha, I really liked this part. It’s very biting and rich. Plus, I think almost everyone feels this way. Well at least I do. I choose computers over calculators any day. And my computer has a calculator, haha.

I grunted. “What are you doing?”

Did she grunt the dialogue? If so add a comma after “grunted.” If not, perhaps add an adjective to describe the “grunting.”

Her expression was like a dash of cold water to the face, the smoldering anger in her eyes left me spluttering and shivering.

Uh, I think “smoldering” is probably wrong seeing as when something smolders, it doesn’t leave you cold it leaves you hot. Perhaps instead of “smoldering anger” try “biting frost.”

“Right, no nose-sticking. I get it. Okay? Now chill!”

Ha, this is very nice with the piece. The short, cut up sentences are used in moderation at good points and they are definitely reminiscent of middle/high school.

She nodded and relaxed, but I could still smell the sparks coming off her.

At first I thought you had switched tenses until I read on. Perhaps to prevent this add the word “Though” at the beginning.

If she’s in trouble, then I don’t know what I would do.

“She’s” not the right word here and to be honest the whole sentence flows awkwardly. Try: “I don’t know what I would to if she were in trouble.”

All of a sudden a couple of hours of drug-induced wonder and floating seemed very attractive.

This feels a smidge jumbled. Maybe: “Suddenly, a couple of drug-induced hours of wonder and floating felt very attractive.”

All my worries, gone for a short window of time.

Perhaps: “For a short window of time, all of my worries would be gone.”

I hadn’t even ever seen her drink.

How about: “I’d never seen her drink.”

She really didn’t seem the ‘hugs not drugs’ type.

“She didn’t seem the type to be ‘anti-drug.’”

Pain jabbed my upper arm and I was thrown out of my thoughts as I glanced up, to see Sara grinning down at me.

Perhaps instead of “jabbed” try the word “gripped.” Also, you can remove the comma from this sentence as it is really just unnecessary.

“Aww, don’t sulk. I only hit you lightly.”

Maybe try: “Aww, don’t sulk. I didn’t hit you that hard.” This sounds just a bit more realistic.

Whatever it was that was so private, Sara could handle it. She could handle pretty much anything.

Again, this is just another one of those parts that I enjoy for some unexplainable reason. It has something resonant about it and its wonderful.

The chocolate and chips suddenly seemed like a millennia ago, and I felt my stomach snarl, demanding I fill it soon.

Ha, so I got confused right away because I read it three times as just “chocolate chips” and I don’t remember and chocolate chips. Possible: “The chocolate bar and potato chips” (they were potato chips, weren’t they.) Its too late at night to go look it up.

I tore my eyes off the steaming platters of food, smiling nervously at the woman dishing.

I saw someone mentioned this part before. Possibly at the end add the words “up plates” so you know what is being dished.

It was, again, surprisingly normal.

I had something I really wanted to mention in here cause I thought it would be cute. Anyway, try: “Like everything else about this house – except perhaps the people – it was surprisingly normal.”

I risked a glance at him, but he was moodily intent on his chicken, apparently sniffing each one before taking tentative bites.

This needs a little altering and a few additions. “I risked a glance at him but he was absorbed in the process of sniffing each forkful of chicken before taking tentative bites.”

The question caught me off-guard, as I scrambled to keep up with her butterfly mind. “Huh?”

The hyphen isn’t necessary in “off-guard.”

“Moo-vies. You know, you sit in a dark room, and there is bi-ig beautiful pictures in front of you, and they even move!”

Just a bit editing: “Moo-vies. You know, you sit in a dark room and they put a big beautiful picture in front of you that even move.”


Otherwise, I couldn’t find much else wrong with it. Really, in the large picture, this will be an important portion. It may seem a little slow but it’s not. So it/s all good. Now I’m just curious as to what Sara was hiding.

1. Readability - How easy your story is to read. A good story will obviously be much easier to read than a bad one.

Flow of words 2/3 Rather nicely done, my only problem is that large sections of talking require more little breaks of pondering, and you need to better define who is talking at times.

Thoughts conveyed well 1/3 More character feeling is needed, In my opinion.

Overall feeling 3/3 yes, the flow of words were a tad off, and the thoughts could use work, but I'm ignoring that for now, because I'm jealous.

How well each topic flows from paragraph to paragraph 1/1
Other than the above aspects, I think your structure is very well done. Better than my own actually.
Very easy to read.

Overall 7/10

2. Description - How well described your story was, including the language you use.

Good/over use of words: 2/3 Not perfect, but the words were many and varied.

Accurate/poor description: 3/3 For making me hungry damn you....

Atmosphere 2/3 Very tense at some points, (such as the computer screen drama thing)
Description used 1/1- I approve.

Overall 8/10 ~Nice one.

3.Originality - How original the story is. If it's been done before this will be low.
Concept: 1.5/3 Of course, vampire boyfreind has been done before, and if my opinion was allowwed into this mark, you'd get a nbig fat zero. fortunately, it's not about how much i hate this sort of thing, it's about how well it's written and designed.
So of course, this isn't very original, but it's still a tad unique, the idea of such a friendship is new to me anyway, so i gave you credit for that.
Wording: 3/3 Nothing wrong, a bit of slang 'dishing?' but I'm willing to let that slide.
(Us nothern Irish do a lot of that slang thing....like...
Creativity(Creatures, places) 2/4 Again, nothing new, but then again, it's not entirely a fantasy story is it?
So I was nice this time (don't expect it again)
Overall 6.5/10

4.Confusion? - was this story easy to understand?
Use of words 3/3
Use of storyline 2/3 I'm a little confused as to the motives, but that may be because I'm starting halfway...
Ability to continue flow of story without jumping too much 3/3 much better than my own actually...
Impression to the reader 1/1 Yay for bonus points!
(also, please no inter-species love....)

9/10

5.Spelling/Grammar - You lose a point for every spelling mistake you make.

Half a point per mistake

I might be lazy or tired, or ill..In fact I'm probably all three at the minute....

ick....

but I can't see any?



Overall 10/10



Overall 40.5 /50

Comments:Altogther, anything over thirty five is considered as good in my books, so congratulations.

I might get round to the other chapters, depending how desperate you are, and how depressed I am.