...

originaly this was to come out diffrent but quite soon i found out it was more a feeling that is exsperianced. i leave this untitaled for the reason that it should be easy to quess and it allows the freedom of diffrent results in thoughts. im interisted in what is thought. (=





The sedation of the drug draws near,
The warm feeling of numbness starts,
With a stream of liquid that brushes your face,
Flows through the veins and takes a hold,
It manipulates the brain and rips through the surface,
Smoke comes and hides your shame,
An imitation is projected as your life and consciousness,
The blur of fun and images divert your thought,
A swirling of faces you once knew contort to devils,
A sick heart tries to thrive and drowns to sleep,
The over enhanced feeling falls away,
And is left for all to see and laugh,
A demand for sleep overtakes, and black is all,
Morning brings first the feeling of dread, and then the sight of regret.

The warm feeling of numbness starts to begin

'starts to build' or just 'starts' - 'start to begin' is redundant.

with a stream of liquid that brushes your face,

Flows through the vains and takes ahold,

If you're going to capitalise every sentence, you need to be consistent. Corrections: 'With' - 'veins' - 'a hold' -

It Manipulates the brain and rips through the surface,

[s]A[/s] smoke comes and hides your shame,

Random Capitalisation is the work of the devil! Lol, stop it. Also 'a smoke' doesn't make sense.

and Black is all

again with the random capital!

*

On a general note, I think this contains a story about drugs and should probably be in Narrative Poetry. It wasn't very engaging, some of the imagery was confusing - a heart drowning to sleep? - and it was quite short.

Sometimes, the length or lack thereof can be good; it means you've captured the essence of the feeling or thoroughly explored an idea. I don't think you've done either here. Closer to the former than the latter though and I wish you luck in revising it.

Cheers

thanks. ya the capitalisation things were not on purpose lol each line was meant to be capital lol. and the others were miss prints lol. ya it had started out with this random feeling i experienced and then it reminded me of this more familiar state of consicness. but ya i agree lol well thanks again (=