Shooting Stars

Shooting Stars

The sky is poetry;
all shades of blue.
At night it could be
a circus canopy—
after the show is over—
points of white painted on the roof.
The clowns have gone home,
but someone dressed in black
is drawing lines of molten gold
in disappearing ink.
It vanishes so quickly;
make a wish.

Gah, Adna, this is so pretty and metaphoric! I adore it! But first, onto the nitpicks.

The sky is poetry
All shades of blue

I would suggest putting a semicolon after 'poetry' and then making the 'a' in 'and' lowercase. So it would read "The sky is poetry; all shades of blue". Also add some sort of punctuation after 'blue'. Coma, period, whatever works. Just so it's not one big long sentence, eh?

And at night it could be a circus canopy—
after the show is over—

That first line right there is really long. Maybe shorten it or split it in half and have the other half an entirely new line? Also, lowercase the 'a' in 'and' again.

with tiny holes punched in it

I noticed on your profile that one of your favorite songs is by Incubus. This line sounds a lot like Wish You Were Here. You know "the sky resembles a back-lit canopy with holes punched in it". I might suggest you change it up a little bit so that's not so noticeable. You should also put a period after 'it'.

The clowns have gone home
But someone dressed in black

Make this "The clowns have gone home, but someone dressed in black".

in disappearing ink
It vanishes so quickly
Make a wish.

First, I love love love this part! Second, it should look like "in disappearing ink. It vanishes so quickly; make a wish." But besides that, that line is amazing! :0

This poem uses imagery in a very wonderful way. It's one continuous metaphor that makes sense. It's not overly flashy, and not using language that sounds nice but doesn't really fit. You create beautiful images that are easy to see in my mind. I don't have to struggle or feel daft because I don't see anything!

Anywhoo, to sum it all up, lovely poem!

-Holly

This was really...

It was really unimaginative. I love the idea and it has a nice ring to it. It was just too short and dull.

The sky is poetry;
all shades of blue.
And at night it could be
a circus canopy—

This was a very weak beginning. You just immediately threw us into the circus, but didn't explain to us how we got there in the first place. Are we from mars??? The main reason why I wasn't so blown away was that it was too short. Try to lengthen it.

in disappearing ink.
It vanishes so quickly;
make a wish.

This I like. It was very creative(The ending).

All in all: It was okay. Just too short. The metaphor was great. I loved it! I just feel you can do more.

Hope it helps

Beautiful! So short, so sweet, so poetic! Usually it's not recommended to talk about poetry in poetry, but you pulled it off in your first line.

It vanishes so quickly;
make a wish.

This line left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling.

My only nit-pick is this line:

The clowns have gone home

Technically, there's nothing wrong with this line, but the majority of people I know (including myself) are seriously freaked out by clowns. This jarred me out of the rhythmic, soothing flow of the poem and made me think, "Clowns? Where?" So you might want to consider a less intimidating member of the circus, something without a rainbow wig.

Great poem. It was a pleasure to read.

I really like this poem, it has beautiful imagery. I like your comparisons for the night sky, describing them as well as describing the night sky. The night sky is so awesome.

Comments are in bold,

shooting stars
You might want to capitalize the title, since you use proper grammar in the rest of the poem.

The sky is poetry;

all shades of blue.

[s]And[/s] at night it could be
I think that the poem might flow a bit better if you cut out the 'And.' I mean, you don't really speak of what the sky is like in the day time as much, so it's not as though you really need to switch our focus. I think it works without the 'and.'

a circus canopy[s],[/s]—
You don't need the comma, the dash in all the punctuation needed.

after the show is over—

points of white painted on the roof.
This part, I think it might be better if you moved the first underlined line down, as it fits in better with the part about the clowns going home. Or, more to the point, the 'points of white painted on the roof' goes better with the part that is about the circus canopy, or else it really doesn't fit into the poem.

The clowns have gone home,
I know that some one mentioned the thing about the clowns, and to tell the truth it doesn't really bother me, but I think this part could be changed a bit. Because, clowns are not the only people in a circus, even besides the people preforming, there are the people who come to see the show. So, maybe something like 'everyone has gone home.' Or, 'the people have gone home.' Or, don't change it, but I just started thinking about it.

but someone dressed in black

is drawing lines of molten gold

in disappearing ink.

It vanishes so quickly;

make a wish.
I love the ending to this one. Great imagery connecting the metaphor to the shooting stars. This is where the real poetry comes from.

Overall: It's a pretty poem, very poetic. I think it could be a bit longer, strengthening the metaphor between the night sky and the circus. And, also connecting the circus part to the person dressed in black. That guy isn't totally connected to the metaphor of the circus, although it is a pretty stanza. Maybe mention something about where he's painting these lines of molten gold?

An interesting way of looking at the night sky, as well as bringing to mind the beauty of our world. Good luck with your poetry!!

- Tatra

Adnamarine wrote:Shooting Stars

The sky is poetry;
all shades of blue.
At night it could be
a circus canopy—
after the show is over—
points of white painted on the roof.
The clowns have gone home,
but someone dressed in black
is drawing lines of molten gold
in disappearing ink.
It vanishes so quickly;
make a wish.

The first line is beautiful ! I love it <3!

The second line is kind of, confusing though and a bit extended.

The ending is mysterious, but it's hard to get. I think you should elaborate here more.

overall wonderful ^^