Broken Me

Not one of my best poems I must admit... But, what the heck.

I'll post it for all of YWS to see and comment on how much it sucks, enjoy and please, don't worry about hurting my feelings.




Broken Me


Silence fills the shadows of my heart;
I feel no pain.

Everything I once knew is gone,
because of that terrible night.

I'm afraid of fire now,
I have a good reason to be.

Fire killed them all;
trapped them in its burning flames.

It left me because,
I don't deserve to die.

But I don't deserve to live either.

The scars from that grim night cover my body,
reminding me of the look in my mother's eyes,
and of the terror that took my soul.

Broken.

Emotionless,
and bleeding.

I am still alive,
trying to become me again.

Me,
the only person I have left.




Once more I'll say, not one of my best poems... Tear it up!

I don't really like ripping things up. To be honest, if something is terrible, I wouldn't bother to critique it.

Miss Slade wrote:
Broken Me


Silence fills the shadows of my heart, (maybe colon or semi colon instead of comma)
I feel no pain.

Everything I once knew is gone,
all because of that terrible night. (remove the all)

I'm afraid of fire now,
but I have a perfectly good reason to be. (should be I have a good reason to be)

Fire killed them all;
engulfed them into its burning flames. (engulfed them in its burning flames. YOu can't be engulfed into something)

It left me, (because should go here followed by comma)
because I don't deserve to die.

But I don't deserve to live either.

The scars from that starless night cover my body, (starless, i don't get it)
reminding me of the look in my mother's eyes,
reminding me of the terror that took my soul. (and the terror that took my soul. Repetition and italics double emphasise, one or the other.)

Broken.

Emotionless,
and bleeding.

I am still alive,
trying to become me again.

Me,
the only person I still have left. (remove still)

I probably would've ended sooner and not broken away from the form at the start, but what ever you want to do. Keep working on it!

Hey Miss Slade,

Ok, my very first problem, you tore down your poem before I even got to read it! Don't do that. I've made that mistake before, and it makes people not want to read it

Okay, now your poem!

I don't think it sucks, but it does need improving. Your words are pretty and they makes your poem really eye catching and it's nice to the ears, however, it needs tweaking.



Silence fills the shadows of my heart;
I feel no pain. I like how your start it off, it's a line that makes a reader think about just what you're saying and want to sympathize with you

Everything I once knew is gone,
because of that terrible night. You're a little too wordy right here, in my opinion, maybe change your second line?

I'm afraid of fire now,
I have a good reason to be. I have a good reason to be? I don't really like the I'm and then I right after eachother. Maybe ''I'm afraid of fire now, With good reason''?

Fire killed them all;
trapped them in its burning flames. Again, I think you can tweak the second line and shorten it. You don't want to turn your poem into a story.

It left me because,
I don't deserve to die. You broke the first line with because! I really think it's unappealing when you do that in poems. And you don't deserve to die? It's too bland, if you wanna be depressing, at least pretty it up!

But I don't deserve to live either. Again, same thing.

The scars from that grim night cover my body,
reminding me of the look in my mother's eyes,
and of the terror that took my soul. This is all right...just kind of story like. I like your wording though.

Broken.

Emotionless,
and bleeding.

I am still alive,
trying to become me again.

Me,
the only person I have left.


Hope I helped a little.


- Lindsay

I have no ideal what you are talking about as far as this poem not being your best, but I absolutely loved it. It spoke to me and pierced my heart with understanding and compassion. You moved me in a way that many writers can't. I don't even really say this about a lot of pieces I read from other writers but you held me in the most incredible way. I felt the pain, the loneliness, and the confusion. I can, even myself, relate to some of the things you wrote.

[Silence fills the shadows of my heart;
I feel no pain.]

I loved the first line. It drew me in and I can really relate to it. I usually feel this way about life and the things that I have experienced. Good opening!

[Everything I once knew is gone,
because of that terrible night.]

In this line you are about to convey the message of your poem and the reason why you feel no pain. You are basically telling the reader to prepare themselves for a shocking story.

[I'm afraid of fire now,
I have a good reason to be. ]

You used fire as a metaphor to describe what you have experienced and the reason why you are afraid.

[Fire killed them all;
trapped them in its burning flames.]

This is sad. I paid attention to this line the most, compared to anything else because it touched me. I could picture people burning, enveloped by flames.

[It left me because,
I don't deserve to die.]

[But I don't deserve to live either. ]

I believe that these two lines were my most favorite. There was so much passion and emptiness in your words. Beautiful!

The scars from that grim night cover my body,
reminding me of the look in my mother's eyes,
and of the terror that took my soul.

Broken.

Emotionless,
and bleeding.

I am still alive,
trying to become me again.

Me,
the only person I have left.

I loved all of these lines. They absolutely compelled me to thirst for more of your writing. This was very dramatic! I love your writing and I am one of your fans.