Doll

Hope this is the right place. I didn't mean to post another poem so soon after I posted one, but I had a conversation that made me want to right this..

If my lips weren’t cool and sweet,
but instead were hot and sour,
would it they still be the lips you seek,
that you want to devour?

If my eyes did never blink
just greedily stare
would you hold my gaze, or would it be
just too much to bear?

If my hands weren’t soft and slow,
but desperately grasping
as they clawed at your hair,
would you start laughing?

If my heart did not just flutter,
but instead pumped so hard,
would your pretty image of me,
be forever marred?

If lips were not sealed,
and I let out a moan,
would you leave me in disgust,
leave me all alone?


And if my packaging was broken,
so cruelly torn apart,
would you toss me away,
or keep me in your heart?

Overall, I liked this. The rhythm wasn't bad, the rhyming was well done, and it was well-written. The only things I have to say are nit-picks:

I don't think the "it" in the first line needs to be there.

Your second stanza is a little weak. The flow is off, "stare" should be "stared" (but that would throw off your rhyme scheme), the third line is too long, and "did never blink" sounds odd. My only suggestion is to rewrite this, or if you can't, just take it out.

"If my lips were not sealed." Forgot the "my" in that line, I think. Unless you did that on purpose...

Okay, that's it for critiques. Now to end this review on a good note, loved the last stanza. Good job!

Oops yeah forgot the my. I agree about eh second stanza. I want it to be there, but I don't know how to say what I want to say and make it sound good...hmm.

the structure or whatever wasnt bad... but i dont think the feel or the message was there... you know... cuz like what i got was basically your asking if you werent a sweet girl but a...,a working girl, would you still keep me? heck no! id say, i cast thee out, lady of the night!

You sorta actually did get the meaning. I didn't mean like an actual whore, just a normal sexual human being. Is that PG 13 enough?

I like it. Very nice rhyming in some places and the tempo was good.
I just didn't feel it, if you know what I mean.

If my lips weren’t cool and sweet,
but instead were hot and sour,
would it(this word needs to go.) they still be the lips you seek,
that you want to devour?

If my hands weren’t soft and slow,
but desperately grasping
as they clawed at your hair,
would you start laughing?

I don't know about this one.Everything goes very well, but the last line doesn't do it for me. I think that is just something personal I have against it, but I don't know. It just doesn't work for me.

If lips were not sealed,
and I let out a moan,
would you leave me in disgust,
leave me all alone?

I like this one. It is very powerful for me and I like that. Nice use of your emotions.

All in all: I think it is good. There isn't much to do with it. There are just a few punctuation or spelling or weird word order that needs to be fixed.

Nice work.

Ducati wrote:Hope this is the right place. I didn't mean to post another poem so soon after I posted one, but I had a conversation that made me want to right this..

If my lips weren’t cool and sweet,
but instead were hot and sour,
would it they still be the lips you seek,
that you want to devour?

If my eyes did never blink
just greedily stare
would you hold my gaze, or would it be
just too much to bear?

If my hands weren’t soft and slow,
but desperately grasping
as they clawed at your hair,
would you start laughing?

If my heart did not just flutter,
but instead pumped so hard,
would your pretty image of me,
be forever marred?

If lips were not sealed,
and I let out a moan,
would you leave me in disgust,
leave me all alone?


And if my packaging was broken,
so cruelly torn apart,
would you toss me away,
or keep me in your heart?

I think you need to keep a better rhythm. Like tru to keep the same amount of syllables in this type of poetry.
YOur format at the beginning is
A
B
A
B
But then it goes
A
B
C
B
And then... well you get the point.

So get it to flow. Otherwise, you have a good poem here.

Okay when I first read this I thought that you were saying the person you were trying to attract didn't like you for being a nice girl. But then I reread it and realized you were asking if they'd still like you if you were that way. The answer is no they wouldn't because you changed. Then you wouldn't be the one they loved. So this poem is like, jsakfljf;lasf. But still good if you like it.

Lovely, but your rhyming is a little off in some stanzas but despite that I think the poem still flowed perfectly. It was a great read.