A Modern Day Twist ~ One

For those who have followed my other works, I thank you. But I have decided that I plan on doing two novels at the same time. This is novel number two.

I couldn't decide on a title for this story so any tips would be greatly appreciated. This novel or novella is going to be a modern remake of a old classic. But I won't tell at this moment. This first chapter won't help on figuring it out. Not for the next few chapters.

I do plan on continuing with this story. So any sort of criticism is helpful for me, to become a better writer.

Anyway, enjoy reading!

Chapter One

Edited.

The smell of forget-me-not flowers rose my senses in a pleasant way. Its aroma drifted around me as I gently touched the petals.
“They're so delicate,” I whispered, being captivated by its softness. My fingers stroked one petal and felt the silky texture.
“What did you say, Callie?” My thoughts vanished as I looked up at the person in front of me.
“Oh, I was just looking at these flowers.”
She leaned over the gardenias and saw the forget-me-not flowers that were by me. “I see.” Her voice was short but not sharp.
“What do you mean, I see?” I asked as I brushed my fingers over the Iris's.
“Well, you know that I'm not a fan of those.”
“I know.” I then paced over to the hollies. “You know, Penny. Hollies mean happiness.”
She raised one dark brow in confusion and questioned, “I know. But why tell me?”
“I told you because I want to be happy at the party tonight.”
“Huh?” She paused while she thought of how to reply to me, “I want you to be happy tonight, too, Callie.”
“Thanks. I hope so too.” She didn't say anything else as we both went through the garden of flowers. I passed by the orchids, roses, and tulips until I stopped at the zinnias.
I thought of Penny and exactly what the flower was meant to be.
“Hey, Penny. Can I ask you something?”
I looked over at her, standing by the violets. She directed her attention at me “Sure.”
“Um.” I paused mid sentence and thought what was right to say, “How are you and Julian doing?” I said, full of regret, knowing that it might hurt asking about him.
“Oh, him.” She glanced down for a mere second and then back at me. Her pink lips formed into a satisfied smile and her eyes lit up brightly.
“I broke up with him.” She stopped where she was going with the conversation and glanced at the violets, “I was a little depressed.” Penny then raised her head and tilted it to the side, “Wouldn't you?”
My mouth immediately dropped open, as a gasp escaped me. How could this be possible? Millions of questions floated within my mind as I spoke, “W-Why, Penny?”
“I found out that he was cheating on me. And so, I had to break it off.” Penny's shoulders lifted a little in a shrug as she placed an okay look on her face. Is she really okay?
I lifted my hand to my mouth as I spoke, “I'm so sorry.”
“It's no problem, Callie. I'm glad I finally found the nerve to do it. He was being such a je-”
“Here.”
“Huh? Why did you give me this tulip? And a pink one at that.” She placed her unused hand in her jeans pocket as her right hand took the flower.
“It shows that I care for you, Penny. And we're not going to let some Julian guy ruin our lives.” My left hand went to the hip as my right foot stomped on the concrete floor.
A rush of emotions filled my body with anger and sadness. Joy and heartbreak. I scrunched my face together in a mad way.
Then suddenly I saw Penny's face brighten more then before. She started giggling and slowly after I joined in with her.
My face eased the frustrations away. “You know, Callie. This striped carnation shows the refusal I gave Julian.”
“True. So true.” I lifted my face in a contented smile while Penny glanced around the green house. This was our sort of place that we felt peace away from our families with the flowers.
A few moments of silence went by when the green door creaked open. I pulled my attention to the red head the popped from the side of the door frame.
Her strapless red dress twinkled in the lights, as she lifted her hands to her small hips. The silky black wrap almost fell to the dirty floor, but she caught it and placed the wrap around her shoulders.
“Hey, mom.” I took a few steps over to her as Penny followed.
“Hi, Mrs. Sullivan.” Penny said in a low whisper.
“Callie, you need to get ready for the party and come out of this green house.” As she glanced around the house.
“That's fine, but have the guests arrived, yet?”
Mom glanced down at her platinum silver watch, “No. Not for another ten minutes.”
At those words, I rolled my eyes in annoyance, “Mom. You were supposed to come get us a half hour ago.” I made my voice sound a little whiny.
I heard mom take an intake of breath and let it out slowly, “Sorry. But you have to hurry. Time's a wasting.” She moved her arms in a way to shoo us out of the green house.
I followed mom out then remembered the flowers, “Penny can you grab the forget-me-not flowers.”
“Sure.” She swiftly turned around and grabbed the flowers. “Here.”
“Thanks, Pen.”
“Come girls.” Mom called out.
“Coming!” Penny and I glanced at each other and laughed. Then we ran out of the green house to get ready for the Christmas Eve party.
* * * * * * * *
The sounds of fabric ruffled against the chestnut floorboards as Penny and I looked at each other in the mirror. The black dress with white polka dots made Penny look very elegant.
The two colors brought out her dark eyes that shined in the dim light.
“You look very sophisticated, Penny.” She glanced at me through the floor length mirror and giggled.
“Why thank you, Callie.” She lifted the sides of the short dress and curtsied.
“Your welcome.” I said in a mannered way. “And what do you think of my dress?” I then spun in a circle as I waited for her answer.
“You look...” I came to a halt and looked at her. “very gorgeous. I just love that purple on you.”
My pink lips curved up in a joyful smile, “I also do like the intricate black patterns on the dress.”
I stared at the mirror for a minute while Penny said something, “I think I'll keep my hair down, but not in curls.” She lightly touched her brunette hair and glanced at me, “What about you, Callie?”
“I think I will keep it this way for tonight at least.” My twisted my head from side to side as my ash blond curls bobbled around my face.
“Okay.” She took in a deep sigh. “I guess it's time to go.”
I looked up at my wall clock and realized it was time ,“Yeah. Come on.” I turned away from the mirror and took a glance at my flowers on my nightstand.
I turned off the lights, as Penny left downstairs and I followed her. Maybe tonight will bring more then is expected.

The swift smell of Forget-Me-Not flowers rose my senses in a pleasant way

Eh? How can a smell be swift? And I think you meant 'rose to my senses' - and on that note, I think that's a bad expression anyway as its only being received by one sense anyway.

“They're so delicate.” I whispered

comma, not period.

My trance [s]of the flower[/s] vanished

That just sounds wrong for some reason. "My trance" ... Hm. I don't know about that, but I think it reads better without the 'of the flower' addition.

She paused while she thought of something to say[s] at what I said[/s],

struck out part is obviously going to be in reply to what she said - its unnecessary and annoying.

“What did you say, Callie?”
“Oh, I was just looking at these flowers, Penny.”

This is a common mistake people make, when introducing their characters. It's very amateurish. People who know each other well do not refer to each other by name in conversation. There's never a need and it's obviously a forced way of you telling us their names.

“I want you to be happy tonight, Callie.”
“Hey, Penny. Can I ask you something?”

Another example of the above. When your having a conversation with a close friend of yours, listen closely and see if you ever refer to each other by name.

I past by the orchids, roses, and tulips until I stopped at the Zinnia's.

passed.

Then suddenly I saw Penny's face brighten more then before

Don't use then! Argh! I'm tired of seeing this terrible word used! It is the bane of good, well written storytelling.

She felt that my mom intimidated her[s], so Penny felt a little scared around mom. [/s]

redundant.

My twisted my head from side to side as my ash blond curls bobbled around my face.

I - not my -

**

This didn't do it for me, I'm afraid - surprise surprise - it's a very girly, immature story and as girly, immature stories go, in my opinion it wasn't that good. There's nothing new here, nothing intriguing about the characters or the situation.

I hope I helped with the technical side of things though

Cheers

*Drumroll* ... It's Sarah! XD
Sorry if I sound harsh, as usual. You know me, nitpicking to death.

The swift smell of Forget-Me-Not flowers rose my senses in a pleasant way.

The alliteration in 'swift smell' is too poetic and sounds off in a story. Also, I'm not sure Forget-Me-Not would be capitalised.

It's aroma drifted around me as I gently touched the petals. How beautiful.

'Its' doesnt need an apostrophe, as it's a possesive. I think the 'how beautiful' is overdoing it a bit, you know. Bit too melodramatic.

“They're so delicate.” I whispered, being captivated by it's softness.

The fullstop after delicate should be a comma, because you have a dialogue tag. And the 'its' before softness doesn't need an apostrophe, as it's a possessive.

My fingers went over one petal and felt the silky texture.

This is me being fussy and slightly OCD, but I know your writing and you of all people can do better than 'went over'. See whether these would sound better:

'my fingers stroked one petal',
'my fingers danced over one petal',
'my fingers smoothed one petal.'

What do you think?

“What did you say, Callie?” My trance of the flower vanished as I looked up at the person in front of me.

'Trance of the flower' is a bit overdoing it. XD

She leaned over the gardenia's and saw the forget-me-not flowers, that were by me. “I see.” Her voice was short but not sharp.

Gardenias doesn't need an apostrophe.

“What do you mean, I see?” I asked as I brushed my fingers over the Iris's.

Irises doesn't need an apostrophe. It's plural, not a possessive noun.

paced over to the Holly's. “You know, Penny. Holly's mean happiness.”

Both these 'hollies' don't need apostrophes and should be spelt like I just have: hollies - as they're in the plural. Also, should all these flowers so far be capitalised?

She raised one dark brow in confusion and asked, “I know. But why tell me?”

I don't think you should use the verb 'ask'. Maybe just 'tell.' ?

“Huh?” She paused while she thought of something to say at what I said,

That's a bit clunky. Rephrase: "She paused while she thought of how to reply to me." Or something like that.

I past by the orchids, roses, and tulips until I stopped at the Zinnia's.

Don't capitalise zinnias, and don't use an apostrophe.

I thought of Penny, exactly what the flower was meant to be.

Nix the comma and replace with an 'and'. Would make it more effective.

I looked over at her, as she was at the Violets.

'Violets' shouldn't be capitalise. And I think you should rephrase: I looked over at her, standing by the violets.'

She raised her attention at me, “Sure, Callie.”

Rephrase: She directed her attention to me. Or: She turned her attention towards me.
You can't really raise your attention to someone. XD

“Um.” I paused my sentence and thought what as right to say,

You're missing the 'w' before 'was'. So you've got 'what as'. Do you see what I mean?
Also, I think , 'I paused mid-sentence' would sound better. = minor detail, but I'm just so OCD this morning. Sorry.

“How are you and Julian doing?” I said full of regret knowing that it might hurt asking about him.

Comma after 'said'. Comma after 'regret'.

“Oh, him.” She glanced down for a mere second and then back at me. Her pink lips formed into a satisfied smile as her eyes lit up brightly.

Would read better if you replaced 'as' with 'and'.

“I also do like the intricate black patterns on the dress.”

I doubt somebody would say that in real life. Or would they?

Okay, Merry. This was short and sweet. I obviously know which story you're adapting, which makes me more intrigued as to how you're going to follow it out. I also understand, therefore, why you're making this part mundane. You've done a very good job of showing instead of telling - something which I barely ever have to remind you about. Well done, this is probably the only piece I've read all day in which I haven't had to say, 'Show, Don't Tell." But I think you need more character developement. This puts the reader on the same wavelength as you, and helps with the empathy, so they'll read on. We feel a bit fond of Callie as she's a bit quirky and feels such a rush of affection for flowers. That is unique. But you need to elongate this chapter to get the most character developement in that you possibly can.

Here's some tips for you to use throughout the entirety of your story, not just in this chapter, obviously, or you'd be squeezing way too much in.

1. Keep a notebook nearby, and write down little details about real people. Does your friend have a strange way of twisting her hair when she's excited? Do you notice how your brother has a comeback for everything? These little details make up the character.

2. Flesh out your character. If you are developing one very important character, have fun with it! Give your character an entire profile! What is his/her name? Where were they born, and when? Do they wear striped socks or solid ones? Is their hair blue or flame-red? Write down a bunch of these details, even if they may not be necessary for the story.

3. Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

Anyway, PM me at the next update, Merry!

Good luck!

-Sarah

Hey, Merry. I haven’t read anything by you in a long time so hopefully this review will be some help to you.

I looked over at her, as she was at the Violets. She raised her attention at me, “Sure, Callie.”

I noticed that in dialogue that you use their names a lot. Don’t do that. You lose the element of speech that way. You don’t always have to address them with their names since there are only two characters in this scene.

“True. So true.” I lifted my face in a contented smile while Penny glanced around the room.

Room? I thought they were outside in a garden…? Expand more here.

“Callie, you need to get ready for the party and come out of this green house.”

Oh, their in a greenhouse. Ignore the previous comment then :wink; hehe

The black dress with white polka dots made Penny look very pretty.

Don’t just say “pretty”. Use other words to describe her, like does the dress flatter her figure, or does it bring out the color in her eyes. Describe instead of tell us.

~ ~ ~ ~

This story has such a sweetness to it. I can’t explain to you what I meant, but it left a smile on my face once I was finished. So you definitely have caught my attention.

The only thing I would be a little cautious about is the beginning, where you were introducing the girls and such. Make sure you don’t just tell us what is happening. Describe it and such. That way, you can paint a better picture in the reader’s mind.

Otherwise, I forward to more of this!

CastlesInTheSky & ashleylee -

Thank you guys for the helpful tips. I just used them and revised this chapter, the best I could.

Look for the next chapter, coming soon.

*Merry

Hey Merry, I'm back! And happy to see that you have edited, knowing that you have returned to the writing world

Back to your review...

She leaned over the gardenias and saw the forget-me-not flowers, that were by me.

No need for the comma after "flowers"

“What do you mean, I see?” I asked as I brushed my fingers over the Iris.

I'm guessing you mean plural so it would be "Iris's"

“I know.” I then paced over to the hollies. “You know, Penny. hollies mean happiness.”

Capital "H" on "hollies"

She raised one dark brow in confusion and told, “I know. But why tell me?”

I'm not sure I favor the use of "told" here. Maybe use "asked" or "questioned" instead. But if you wish to keep told, maybe say "told me" or something like that. Told just by itself makes the sentence sound funny ^_^

“I told you because I want to be happy at the party tonight.”

Alright, here, in the previous sentences, your MC tells Penny that Hollies mean happiness, but here, this confuses me. If she tells her friend about Hollies, wouldn't that mean that she wants her friend to be happy at the party?? If not and I'm totally off the wall on this one (which is probably the case ), I would just make it more clear that your MC is interested in the Hollies herself instead of looking at them for Penny.

“I want you to be happy tonight, Callie.”

I would add "too" in there between "tonight" and "Callie" just to help with the flow.

“I broke up with him.”

I don't understand Penny's feelings here. Obviously she's glad to be rid of the guy since he cheated, but wouldn't she be slightly hurt that he did cheat on her... like maybe she feels a little used or something. I would expand on her thoughts just to make things clear.

My left hand went to the hip as the right foot stomped on the concrete floor.

I would say "my right foot" instead of "the right foot" just to improve the flow.

The two colors brought out her dark eyes, that shined in the dim light.

No need to have a comma after "eyes"

~ ~ ~ ~

This rewrite is a definite improvement, Merry. I like the additional detail that you gave the reader. It really helped move the story along

The only thing I'm still a little if-y on is when you talk about Penny being intimidated by Callie's mother. What about her intimidates her. I would go into more detail there, just so the reader knows.

Besides that, nice job, Merry