The Perfect Murder

[b]Note: This is just a paper I did and want to know what everyone else thinks. This did not really happen. Please review. Thanks.


My family and I went over to my grandma's house for Sunday dinner. I was not mad but quite sane actually. That woman had be mocking me ever since the day I was conceived. With all the nicknames, laughing at the way I walk, talked, dressed, ate! Right down to how I went to bed every night... What was wrong with this woman?! Is she trying to drive me to the brink of insanity with revenge?!

"I will do it tonight," went through my head. "I will kill this demonic creature tonight."

I stayed at her house that night. Which really wasn't out of the customary. It has be very custom that my family take turns staying with her. That way she will always have someone there to help her take her food, get up to go to the bathroom or take her pills. I went to her room at which I stay every night that I must stay in the wretched place.

"That's it!" I screamed to myself in my perfectly sane mind. "I'll poison her food!"

I took some great time into my perfect little scheme. I would merely just crush up her whole bottle of potassium pills and put them into the soup I planned on making her tonight for her supper. Ha! I thought to myself. That demonic thing will die tonight!

I laughed historically as I crushed up every last bit of her full bottles of potassium pill and place them very carefully into the empty bowl for the soup. I smiled my devilish smile. I carefully poured the soup into the bowl. I couldn't stop smiling knowing that all the pain she causes me. All of it, will soon be over. I stirred the soup in the bowl slowly making sure every last bit of the pills had dissolved into the soup. After checking it all to make sure I didn't forget anything I carefully place it onto the tray for which I take her food to her with.

Now, lets pause for a second. You may be asking yourself how I'm so sure she'd eat it. Take the bait to say. Well, that is quite simple. I made her favorite dish. Her favorite in all the world! She would die satisfied. The very thing she cherishes most in the whole world.. Would cause her death.

I laughed deeply in my throat as I walked to her room slowly to make sure not to spill any of it. I want her to eat all of it! Every last drop of it! So I have enough grace to give her the very thing she loves before it kills her. I opened her door peaking in to make sure shes awake. She is of course. Perfect! I thought to myself. Just perfect, she'll die right away.

"Here you are grandma," I said smiling at the disgusting atrocious creature. My smile was so kind, so tricky, so... sly that it tricked her. She took the bait! She took the very thing that will cause her very own death! Her own suicide!

I stood there watching her. Watching her scarf down the thing that's about to cause her very own death. She stared at me intently. I smiled watching her eat with a reassuring face.

*****

Exactly 30 minutes later I started into her darkest brown eyes. They had fear struck into them. Great fear! The kind you see on a victim's face right before they get their head cut off by the shadow following them. I smiled widely. For the demonic creature, the one that caused me all that pain, started to choke. She started to shake greatly.

I spoke in the happiest calmest voice I have ever used to the devilish thing. "My dear Grandmother, why did you trust me so? After everything you did to me? You made my life one living hell! HOW COULD YOU EVEN DARE TO EVEN TRUST ME?!" I laughed my devilish laugh. So loud, so eerie it'd make every hair on your little precious head, stand on end. It would make your heart stop and skip all the beats in the world, until it ended. It would send you into panic shock. It was truly the laugh, of the devil.

She looked at me with panic and fear struck face. Her choking voice cried out for help. But only gets held back by the start of her heart attack. I smile wider. Grinning from ear to ear. "Good-night grandma. I love you." I slowly start to sing her the lullaby that her mother once sang to me. "Good-night my angel time to close your eyes...." I walk over slowly and put my hand over her eyes pulling the eyelids down. "And save these questions for another day....."

I'm sorry, but I really didn't like this one. It was really dark, which must have been your intention, but the title didn't fit at all. The Perfect Murder? There was nothing perfect about it! I'm sorry, but it would be dreadfully easy for any one on the case to figure out this one. Your story might be made a bit better if you actually elaborated more on why your MC hated her grandmother, but with the short list of reasons you gave it seems irrational, even if she is insane as you seem to be hinting all the way though by implying the opposite. And somehow, I just felt the ending could have the potential to be so much more powerful than it was. Don't get me wrong, you have some good parts in there, but you could make it so much better if you lengthened it a bit and gave it more substance, delved deeper into the emotions. Anyways, I hope what I said helps.

Hie xXChemicalsAttractXx,
There is one thing i would like to say about the story;

I was not mad but quite sane actually

I screamed to myself in my perfectly sane mind

I personally think you don't need this lines. I know you wanted to show that she thinks she is not crazy by scheming to kill her own grandmother but you don't have to state that she was sane. Maybe you can show to us how 'sane' she was before her transition into the psycho killer perhaps?

One more thing,

I laughed historically

I think it is supposed to be hysterically.

That is all from me I guess.
Regards,
Ethan.

To me there seems to be an essence of Edgar Allen Poe's Tell Tale Heart, maybe as a inspiration for the piece?(I don't know maybe its just me *shrugs*)
As a reader this piece jerks my nerves just a bit....with the way you keep repeating things in certain ways.
Like cooldude19967 said that if you played around a little more there is great potential in this piece.

but this is all in my humble opinion,
B

To be honest this piece was not good in my opinion and didn't really do anything for me.
I disliked the mistakes and odd sentences and these detracted from the sinister impression you were trying to give my being a bit random and weird.

I was not mad but quite sane actually.

This second line makes little sense where it is in the story. It seems random and it doesn't follow the first sentence well at all and is not really needed.

I laughed historically

This makes no sense and should be hysterically.

Now, lets pause for a second. You may be asking yourself how I'm so sure she'd eat it.

This question had not popped into my head and i just assumed that she would eat it because you provided it. Why would anyone ask that question? It is ok to mention it was her favourite food and i think it is a good point to make as it adds to the piece but the way you raise it isn't very good.

It would make your heart stop and skip all the beats in the world, until it ended.

This didn't make any sense to me. I don't understand the skipping beats bit. What were you trying to say?

Overall i think the idea of a psyco girl is good but i don't like the way you have done it very much due to odd sentences that i don't think fit with the style
Dan

My family and I went over to my grandma's house for Sunday dinner. I was not mad but quite sane actually. That woman had be been, instead of be, perhaps?mocking me ever since the day I was conceived. With all the nicknames, laughing at the way I walk, talked, dressed, ate! Right down to how I went to bed every night... What was wrong with this woman?! Is she trying to drive me to the brink of insanity with revenge?!

"I will do it tonight," went through my head. "I will kill this demonic creature tonight."

I stayed at her house that night. Which really wasn't out of the customary. It has be very custom that my family take turns staying with her. That way she will always have someone there to help her take her food, get up to go to the bathroom or take her pills. I went to her room at which I stay every night that I must stay in the wretched place.

"That's it!" I screamed to myself in my perfectly sane mind.one mention that she believes she's sane is enough. "I'll poison her food!"

I took some great time into my perfect little scheme. I would merely just crush up her whole bottle of potassium pills and put them into the soup I planned on making her tonight for her supper. Ha! I thought to myself. That demonic thing will die tonight!

I laughed historicallyhysterically, maybe? Typo? as I crushed up every last bit of her full bottles of potassium pills and placed them very carefully into the empty bowl for the soup. I smiled my devilish smile. I carefully poured the soup into the bowl. I couldn't stop smiling knowing that all the pain she causes me. All of it, will soon be over. I stirred the soup in the bowl slowly making sure every last bit of the pills had dissolved into the soup. After checking it all to make sure I didn't forget anything I carefully place it onto the tray for which I take her food to her with. I feel carefully has been a little overused here.

Now, letslet's is actually a contraction, meaning let us pause for a second. You may be asking yourself how I'm so sure she'd eat it. Take the bait to say. Well, that is quite simple. I made her favorite dish. Her favorite in all the world! She would die satisfied. The very thing she cherishes most in the whole world.. delete second period, or use three. Would cause her death.

I laughed deeply in my throat as I walked to her room slowly to make sure not to spill any of it. I want her to eat all of it! Every last drop of it! So I have enough grace to give her the very thing she loves before it kills her. sentence kinda throws me off.I opened her door peakingpeeking in to make sure shes awake. She is of course. Perfect! I thought to myself. Just perfect, she'll die right away.

"Here you are grandma," I said smiling at the disgusting atrocious creature. Okay, the character really hates her grandmother. A little repetitive at this point. My smile was so kind, so tricky, so... sly that it tricked her. She took the bait! She took the very thing that will cause her very own death! Her own suicide!

I stood there watching her. Watching her scarf down the thing that's about to cause her very own death. She stared at me intently. I smiled watching her eat with a reassuring face.Is it really necessary to repeat so often that the food will kill her?

*****

Exactly 30 minutes later I started into her darkest brown eyes. They had fear struck into them. Great fear! The kind you see on a victim's face right before they get their head cut off by the shadow following them. I smiled widely. For the demonic creature, the one that caused me all that pain, started to choke. She started to shake greatly.

I spoke in the happiest calmest voice I have ever used to the devilish thing. "My dear Grandmother, why did you trust me so? After everything you did to me? You made my life one living hell! HOW COULD YOU EVEN DARE TO EVEN TRUST ME?!" I laughed my devilish devilish, also getting overused. Along with laughing, but that could be okay since the person is clearly unhinged.laugh. So loud, so eerie it'd make every hair on your little precious head, try not putting a comma here, and see if it helpsstand on end. It would make your heart stop and skip all the beats in the world, until it ended. It would send you into panic shock. It was truly the laugh, also try this one without the commaof the devil.

She looked at me with panic and fear struck try getting rid of fear struck, and rephrase this sentence if you must repeat this againface. Her choking voice cried out for help. But only gets got. Past tense was established, so stick with it.held back by the start of her heart attack. I smile wider. Grinning from ear to ear. "Good-night grandma. I love you." I slowly start to sing her the lullaby that her mother once sang to me. "Good-night my angel time to close your eyes...." I walk over slowly and put my hand over her eyes pulling the eyelids down. "And save these questions for another day....."

Okay, what put me off was your constant use of italization. Used sparingly it can be very useful in emphasis. Use commonly, and you turn people away. Also, you swayed from past to present tense. It's fine to use present tense words in past tense stories sometimes, if they're well placed.

You repeated things a lot, and I felt like this story was extremely dragged out. To lengthen, describe more than the narrator's actions. I got no picture of what was going on, I was just told it was.

It has potential to be a great story. You just have to shape it that way. The ending was perfect, by the way.

Okay, in my opinion, this was way too Poe-ish for me. Saying over and over again that the narrator wasn't insane was the exact thing that Edgar Allen Poe did to make his characters seem crazier. I'm not sure if this was your motive, but next time if you want to do something like this you may want to change it to make it a little more different.

You also used the word demonic a lot. Try to find different words to describe how the grandmother is evil, it will make the character come to life.

One paragraph in particular didn't work for me:

I spoke in the happiest calmest voice I have ever used to the devilish thing. "My dear Grandmother, why did you trust me so? After everything you did to me? You made my life one living hell! HOW COULD YOU EVEN DARE TO EVEN TRUST ME?!" I laughed my devilish laugh. So loud, so eerie it'd make every hair on your little precious head, stand on end. It would make your heart stop and skip all the beats in the world, until it ended. It would send you into panic shock. It was truly the laugh, of the devil

Okay so I'm thinking the narrator was acting like the devil? Switch this word up too. Use sadistic maybe??

I hope I was helpful!

~Dommy

Oh, this is lovely.
But could you possibly tell us what she was like before she went to her.. um.. 'grandma's' home?

And there is something I do not get.. Why does she stay at her grandmother's house when she absolutely hates her? That just confuses me to no end.

I mean, if I hated my grandmother (which I certainly do not.), I would not be over at her house at all! I would be staying away.

And I see many grammatical and punctuation errors. I don't want to read it again, for I am watching a football game, otherwise I would list them. But Cooper pretty much lays it out for you, so maybe debug this paper?

I understand your point in this story entirely. I don't know if it's just me, but when the others say you repeat it too often, I think that it's just your style of writing. It seems as more of an effect to me. It would've added a lot of suspense by adding how the character got to his/her grandmother's house.

But I liked this... Demonic attitude. Your grammer and punctuation has already been pointed out, so if you change that a bit, it'll be amazing.

I really feel the intenseness of this writing.