A Simple Mistake: Chapter One

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I stood behind the hostess stand, mindlessly wiping down menus just to give my hands something to do. It was early afternoon, and Boogie’s Diner was less than packed. My mind still played with the locker incident, drawing me back to that every time I tried to let it go.

Perhaps if you don’t forget it, you’ll not make the same moronic mistake again. My mind spit angrily.

“Nessa, your tables almost done.” Kelly said, coming up behind me and taking over my position as menu cleaner. Oh yes, we worked hard.

My lip tugged in a small half smile. Far more genuine than the smile I’d bestowed on my boss earlier that morning. “Thanks, Kel.”

I ambled over to the table where a man and two ladies sat finishing their meals. I smiled wide, putting on all the charm I could muster. “Hi there, can I get you folks anything else, perhaps some dessert?” I asked, knowing the answer would be no. Funny thing about regular customers, they never really changed.

“No, just the bill,” said the man.

I slipped the bill onto the table face down. “Have a good day then.”

My mind played with the idea of regular customers. It had to get old, coming to the same establishment, to eat the same food, to sit with the same people. Didn’t it get redundant? Routine is such a human characteristic, is it not?

I didn’t see my dog, Jelly, doing the same thing every week. She at least knows how to change it up. Sometimes she sleeps on the couch, sometimes on the bed, sometimes on the rug in the bathroom. There was no pattern to her choices, humans though… they liked pattern.

The bell on the door chimed, drawing my attention away from my thoughts. I smiled at the familiar face. “Benjamin! Your seat is open, help yourself, and I’ll bring your diet coke to you in a second.” I said with a legitimate grin.

“Thanks, gorgeous.” He said, tipping his hat in the charming way he always did.

Benjamin was the most routine oriented person I’d ever met. He came in three days a week, sat in the exact same spot, ordered the exact same meal, and paid the exact same price. He always tipped me generously, which I appreciated. Not to mention, that he always requested that I wait on him. I wasn’t sure if that was for the sake of routine or because I was the only one that could remember his order by heart.

It was a very specific order.

Benjamin was an attractive guy, dirty blonde hair that he never let get too long, pale green eyes that always sparkled with a glint of humor, a magnificent smile, and he always wore a fedora. Always. He was tall and husky, probably standing over a foot taller than me.

Considering my height that wasn’t particularly hard. I stood proudly at five foot nothin’ and wouldn’t have it any other way.

I brought his diet coke over to his usual table and set it down on the napkin he had folded into a square for me.

“Here you are, kind sir.” I told him with my usual flourish.

He grinned. “Why, mi’lady, you are all too kind.” He said, removing his hat and bowing his head gallantly.

I laughed at his antics. “Ok, a bacon burger, no cheese, onions, pickles, tomatoes, or condiment of any kind. Bacon burned… no excuse me, extra crispy" I teased, making quotation marks with my fingers. "… with seasoned fries and a house salad with no tomato or cucumber with a side of ranch?” I asked.

“And she gets it right every time. Your memory is wonderful mi’lady.”

I giggled again and knocked his hat over his eyes playfully. “That’s because you never change it, Benjamin.”

“Why would I ever change such a perfect order?” He said, pushing his hat back up, his eyes were laughing at me.

I shook my head, still laughing, and brought his order to the cooks. Benjamin was my favorite customer by far.
Last edited by OverEasy on Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
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drawing me back to that every time I tried to let it go.

I think here you can use your wording differently to make it sound a little better.


his eyes were laughing at me.
And here it isn't really necessary to put "hie eyes 'were' laughing at me. You can take out the"were" and it would still give the reader the gist of what's going on.

This chapter is good. I like your writing a lot. Using a bit more detail and giving your characters more depth is key.
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Monstrar wrote:
Using a bit more detail and giving your characters more depth is key.


Detail where? I mean it's practical advice, but examples would be helpful here. "More detail" is pretty broad.
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And now, for the second one. :) (by the way, ditto what I said at the beginning of the last one!)


Perhaps if you don’t forget it, you’ll not make the same moronic mistake againcomma my mind spat angrily.
Again, the thoughts don't sound genuine. Maybe if it were something like, "'If I don't forget it, I won't make the same mistake again,' I told myself."


Oh yes, we worked hard.
This line's out of place. It really doesn't go along with the lines around it, doesn't match.


My lip tugged in a small half smilecomma far more genuine than the [s]smile [/s] one I’d bestowed on my boss earlier [s]that morning[/s].



My mind played with the idea of regular customers. It had to get old, coming to the same establishment, to eat the same food, to sit with the same people. Didn’t it get redundant? Routine is such a human characteristic, is it not?

I didn’t see my dog, Jelly, doing the same thing every week. She at least knows how to change it up. Sometimes she sleeps on the couch, sometimes on the bed, sometimes on the rug in the bathroom. There was no pattern to her choices, humans though… they liked pattern.
This new theme's a bit abrupt, interrupting the original. I don't know if it's just a side show, or will be playing some bigger role, but it needs to not stand out so much, just blend with and support the lead, like background singers.
Don't you love my analogy? (I'm not gonna lie, I was rather proud of it. :P)


There was no pattern to her choicesperiod Humans though… they liked pattern.
"... they seemed to like pattern." Since she doesn't understand why her regulars are regular.


I’ll bring your diet coke
This might sound a little odd, but I like that touch of 'diet', I guess because people might shorten it to just 'coke' but somebody serving food wouldn't, to assure the customer that they're getting the right kind. Not really important in the story, but it's a habit I picked up at work, so I know.


Benjamin was the most routine oriented person I’d ever met
"routine-oriented"


He came in three days a week
Maybe, "He came on the same three days a week"?


Not to mention, [s]that [/s]he always requested that I wait on him.



Benjamin was an attractive guy, dirty blonde hair
"dirty-blonde"


and wouldn’t have it any other way.
"wouldn't have had it any other way"


I brought his diet coke over to his usual table and set it down on the napkin he had folded into a square for me.
"I brought his drink over[s] to his usual table[/s]..." You don't need these details; they've already been mentioned.


“Why, mi’lady, you are [s]all [/s]too kind.”
It's "m'lady" I think.


"… with seasoned fries and a house salad with no tomato or cucumbercomma with a side of ranch?”


I giggled again and knocked his hat over his eyes playfully.
That's a bit too personal for a waitress, even with someone that regular.



I wonder if it might be worth considering turing the 1st chapter into a prologue. Because it focuses completely on this characteristic of hers, and those two experiences of it, but you barely mention it in the 2nd chapter, instead discussing the human love of routine.

I have a thought. Just thought it... Maybe it would help if when you have that line 'my mind played with the idea of regular customers,' maybe mention that it's a distraction from her thoughts about that key incident, or that she's purposely using it to distract herself. And then Benjamin comes in and distracts her without her noticing.... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Or you. I don't know. :P I don't know if you did that intentionally, but I thought it was sweet anyway, how she got distracted from what she was thinking.
If you did do that on purpose, it might be more of a contrast if she's still frustrated by those memories, until he walks in?

Did that last paragraph make any sense at all? Some review this is. =)

If you do post more, would be a love and tell me? Pleease?

Hope this was helpful.
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It was most helpful, Adna-dear! I will for sure tell you when I post something new. And yes, the distraction from her thoughts was most intentional. ;) glad you caught on.


I like the idea of making the first part the prologue for sure. *goes to change it*
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Hey. Moving onto the first chapter now, like I said. :P This was good. It added more depth to the characters and improved on the prologue a lot. I haven't looked at the other critiques, so excuse me if I repeat anything. :)

I stood behind the hostess stand, mindlessly wiping down menus just to give my hands something to do.


"Just to give my hands something to do" makes the adverb redundant, as it shows the characters actions and mind set without using a tell-y adverb. Yes, I am anal about them. :P

drawing me back to that every time I tried to let it go.


Cut "that."

Perhaps if you don’t forget it, you’ll not make the same moronic mistake again. My mind spit angrily.


A few problems here. Things like "you'll not" sound rather stilted, more so for this character you're presenting us with. Try "you won't." Also, this should all be one sentence. "... mistake again, my mind spit angrily." And, of course, you can cut the adverb. "Moronic" makes it obvious what sort of mood they're in.

“Nessa, your tables almost done.” Kelly said,


*table's. Also, it should be one sentence again. You do this a few times in this chapter. Look through, find the rest, and edit them.

taking over my position as menu cleaner. Oh yes, we worked hard.


That made me laugh. Nice one. you've captured the narrator's voice well.

My lip tugged in a small half smile.


Pick "small" or "half." In this instance, I'm partial to "half," as the alliteration creates an odd effect otherwise.

It had to get old, coming to the same establishment, to eat the same food, to sit with the same people.


You change tense here. To keep it consistent, change it to, "... eating the same food, sitting with the same people."

Routine is such a human characteristic, is it not?


Stilted. Change it to "isn't it?"

The bell on the door chimed, drawing my attention away from my thoughts.


"From my thoughts" is kind of unneeded.

“Benjamin! Your seat is open,


Think about your use of contractions, or lack of. If the narrator is younger, they'll be more inclined to use contractions. Otherwise, it comes out stilted. It's something I have a bit of trouble with sometimes.

probably standing over a foot taller than me.


Cut "probably". If you want something else, try "standing at least a foot taller than me."

Your memory is wonderful mi’lady.”


Comma after "wonderful".

So, that's all I have. This was an interesting chapter. I'm not sure where this is heading on the basis of the two parts I've read, so I'll just have to keep going, won't I? :P Benjamin's an interesting character. I hope you have him in it more. I'd like to see more to his character.

Once again, nice job. I'll get onto the next one after I sleep, I think. I hope my suggestions have helped you. :)

-Mat




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oooh... Benjamin. Romantic name, is it not?
:wink:
Okay, I like it so far. Easy to read. Easy to relate to. The beginning draws you in. :D

Woderful job already. You seem to have a pattern, though...all of your stories turn out to be really good. 8)
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Hi OverEasy! I think this is one of the cutest stories I've ever read so far. All the grammatical errors have been taken care of so I'll just review. :D

This first chapter is very well-written. The characters are believable and I'm just so interested in reading more! I think it would progress even more if you throw some details in about your main character.

Keep up the writing!

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Nice work.I really like it.
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The promised critique!

Well, just so you know, I totally ignored both grammar and spelling in this critique. Why? Well, I'm lazy, that's for sure, but mainly I've just been trying to listen to what Nate's been saying. And he's right – I have been critiquing a bit faster. Basically I'm aiming to make my critiques more like what Sam's are. :) (And I would love feedback on them, hon! I have no idea if I'm being helpful or not, so feel free to critique my critiques. :)) (f you really don't know how to fix your grammar on your own and no one else is helping you, feel free to ask me to look again, or bother JabberHut. :))

Anyways, on to the critique!

Focusing Too Much

During this whole chapter, our eyes were kind of tugged around. You really wanted us to focus on Vanessa, so you let us forget that there was anyone other than her and the people she was talking to at the moment. Back up! Is it a loud diner? Small? Does she run into someone? Are other customers glaring at her impatiently as she flirts with Benjamin?

Just remember that even though she's the main character, she's not a god. Back up, let us see everything.

A Little Boring

Right now, I'm not even sure why I need to continue reading. I can tell you exactly what's going to happen – Benjamin and Vanessa will fall madly in love, and he'll get over her fear of simple mistakes. Heck, I could even write you a last sentence right now.

I think you need to add something. This is such a clichéd plot – shy girl meets hot guy who helps her overcome said shyness – that people are sick of it. So add subplots!

Well, maybe not subplots. Maybe a whole new plot. Right now, you're focusing on the simple mistakes, of the little glimpses she catches of this Benjamin. It's all very… short scenes, you know? Real quick. Yes, they connect, but they don't really continue.

I think that'll help you out. Think about it – what else could go wrong? And tie it in with the simple mistakes and romance! Maybe her simple mistake leads to a death? Maybe it leads to her losing her job? Maybe it leads to her getting pregnant – with another man!

Just try to spice it up a bit. Your plot's fine, it just needs something extra to make it great.

I think that's all I'll say this time. I'm gonna go work on your second chapter, then maybe I can give a more thorough critique. :)

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415




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Right now, I'm not even sure why I need to continue reading. I can tell you exactly what's going to happen – Benjamin and Vanessa will fall madly in love, and he'll get over her fear of simple mistakes. Heck, I could even write you a last sentence right now.


Actually, you're not even close.
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It's a little bit predictable, so I think you should shake things up a bit. Maybe throw in a few tragedies or something. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading it. I think the more you write the better you'll get at it.




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shayna wrote:It's a little bit predictable, so I think you should shake things up a bit. Maybe throw in a few tragedies or something. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading it. I think the more you write the better you'll get at it.


No offense, but I think that "throwing in" a "few" tragedies in the first chapter is probably the worst advice I've ever heard in my life. Yeah--ever. Try reviewing based on the material presented, rather than half-brained guesstimations created in your own mind.

Now, for my own (humble of course) review of the material--the presented material, not the non-existent material pulled from the future:

Benjamin is interesting; yes, he is the #1 choice for a love interest in the story. Why? Because he's the only character you've really described so far that happens to be a male. -.- The people above who say that's a cliche, or that it's a poor choice, or whatever are fools. You haven't gotten far enough into the story for people to be making judgment calls on the plot.

I like the idea of "regular customers;" perhaps you should expand on it a bit, in future chapters? How is the idea of routine merely human? Examples ^_^

--D
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