I'll tell you right now: this is terrible. But that's kind of the point.
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Sometime in the near future, the Earth and all of its inhabitants come closer to complete
annihilation than any other time in the past. Fortunately, John Schmitt discovers his amazing abilities
to distinguish objects as far as the outer reaches of the galaxy. John has nothing better to do, so he
masters this new ability over a period of six years. Once he trains himself with this new-found power,
John looks toward the sky and notices a giant meteor hurdling towards the Earth. He then realizes that
he can also fly, and he accelerates towards the meteor. When he reaches the meteor, utilizing his
ability to breathe in space, he discovers that it closely replicates Norway in both size and shape. While
John tries figuring out how a meteor can resemble Norway so perfectly, he forgets to save the world,
and the meteor collides with the Earth. The meteor aligns itself perfectly with Norway, destroying all of
that country and only that country. Even two feet into Sweden, everything is still okay. But apparently
the meteor felt unsatisfied with the destruction caused to the Earth, because the meteor then bounces
off of the Earth and hurdles towards the moon.
John feels that he should visit Norway and search for survivors before saving the moon, so
he analyzes the distance from his point in space to Norway. Using his spontaneously acquired
knowledge of advanced physics, John realizes that Norway lies exactly 936,719.5724 miles away from
his current position, giving him plenty of time for visiting Norway, then saving the moon. When John
finally gets to Norway, he does not find any survivors, so he decides that he should save the moon.
He reaches the meteor in a matter of seconds, and realizes that he has no means of destroying the
meteor. John then spontaneously acquires superhuman strength that assists him in changing the
course of the meteor and diverting it from hitting the lifeless chunk of rock orbiting around planet
Earth. Just as John begins celebrating his victory, the meteor stops dead in its tracks and accelerates
straight towards the center of the moon once again.
John and the meteor fight to the death over the huge chunk of space rock for hours upon
hours, until finally, John lets his guard down for a moment. The meteor rams itself into John,
paralyzing him from the waist down. John then discovers his amazingly convenient healing abilities,
and races towards the meteor once again. He catches the meteor just before it destroys the moon,
tackling it as hard as he can. Unfortunately, John makes a miscalculation and accidentally pushes the
meteor directly into the center of the moon. The force of the meteor sends the moon spiraling towards
Earth, and the force of the moon sends the Earth spiraling towards the outer reaches of the galaxy.
Uranus makes the ultimate sacrifice by crashing into Earth and stopping it from leaving the galaxy, but
Earth only sends Uranus spiraling towards Neptune. Neptune spirals towards Saturn, Saturn hits Jupiter,
Jupiter skips Mars and crashes into Venus, and Venus collides with Mercury. Mercury somehow circles
around to the other side of the Sun and knocks it slightly towards Mars.
Now, with every planet except for Mars being destroyed—Pluto does not count, it is not
a ‘planet’—John has no planet to live on. He decides to ask the meteor if he may live there, but soon
discovers that the meteor is too busy celebrating his victory to listen. John’s only option remaining is
to live on the dreaded red planet.
When he arrives at his new home, John discovers a few native Martians that thank him for
not only eliminating every other planet in the Solar System, but for moving the Sun closer to Mars and
ending the recent cold spell. The Martians gladly make accommodations for their hero, and John
realizes that living on Mars might be better than expected. The Martians even decide to throw a
Mexican fiesta for the one who saved them from the cold, because everyone knows that aliens come
from Mexico. The Martians go into the trunk of their U.F.O. and get a couple of senoritas that they
abducted from Earth during the previous week. They give the most beautiful senorita to John, then
everyone parties all throughout the night, day, next night, next day, and for three more consecutive
nights and days. Then they party for three more extra days without stopping, but, strangely enough,
they do not party for any extra nights.
