Wished I wasn't hidden.

I stood by the bus stop with my arms crossed, resisting the feeling to say 'Go fuck yourself!' to the blistering cold winds of December. But I didn't, and I didn't do a lot of things today as I would have liked to.
For instance, when I saw Georgio, I didn't want to be there. I was late on purpose. When I saw his face, I thought to myself, let's just chat like we used to as friends. But no. We went straight to the film, to the back row in the corner, and his arm was immediately round my shoulders. I only rested my head against his chest to try and convince myself that if I believe I like him, I will. I tried. He cracked a couple of jokes like we used to, when we were friends. I laughed, but only out of nervousness. I rolled my eyes too, pretending it was due to his punchline. He got fooled nicely, but I wasn't. I couldn't fool myself. I wasn't really up for this, I wasn't ready to get into liking a boy again.
He made me face him with his hand and I faced him. He planted his lips onto mine, and I just went with it, searching for a spark that never formed. I tried, I really tried. I couldn't wait till we finished kissing, because I wanted to watch the film. It was an action movie- James Bond. I don't like James Bond, I never understand it, and for once I wanted to try and get the jist of what his mission was about. I didn't understand.
When I got up to go to the toilets, I felt a bit better. I strutted out of there, looking fabulous as I normally do, feeling like Carrie Bradshaw in 'Sex and the City' with my A-line skirt, blue scoop neck top tucked in and my electric blue tights. My trainers reminded me of what my Barbie doll used to have, in candy colours. I looked great. I know I did; I looked in the mirror in the toilets and wondered why such fabulousness was hidden in a cinema. I wanted to skip and bound in the West End, not sitting in the cinema! I had so much energy, but I rolled my eyes as I remembered where I was and why I was here.
I walked out of the toilets and slowly back to the screen. I went past a girl and boy who had just come out of their film, looking happy. I rolled my eyes, fluffed my hair, feeling like I'm going in for round two of being fake.

Woo, first review! Yeah me!

Well, after reading this, I figured that the simplest way to do this is to point out a section where I see a problem, I’ll give my own opinion on how it should have been written, and then I’ll explain. I hope that’s okay.

I stood by the bus stop with my arms crossed, resisting the feeling to say 'Go fuck yourself!' to the blistering cold winds of December. But I didn't, and I didn't do a lot of things today as I would have liked to.

“I stood by the bus stop with my arms crossed, resisting the urge to say ‘Go fuck yourself!” to the blistering cold winds of December. But I didn’t. In fact, I hadn’t done a lot of the things I would have liked to do today.”

Feeling just isn’t the right word here. It doesn’t exemplify the desire to commit and action. Also, I altered the last half into two sentences for flow and for grammar.

I only rested my head against his chest to try and convince myself that if I believe I like him, I will.

“I only rested my head against his chest to try and convince myself that if I believed I liked him, I would.”

This was nothing but a simple problem with tenses.

He got fooled nicely, but I wasn't. I couldn't fool myself. I wasn't really up for this, I wasn't ready to get into liking a boy again.

“He had been fooled nicely, even if I wasn’t. No, I couldn’t fool myself. I wasn’t really up for this. I wasn’t ready to start liking any boy again.”

Again, this, and a lot of the changes I’ll probably suggest, are more for flow and continuity then anything else.

I couldn't wait till we finished kissing, because I wanted to watch the film.

I’m just going to say plainly that “till” is not a strong word. I would just suggest changing this to “until.”

I don't like James Bond, I never understand it, and for once I wanted to try and get the jist of what his mission was about.

“I’ve never liked James Bond because I’ve never understood it. And for once I wanted to try to understand what his mission was about.”

Even in my rewrite, I don’t like my use of the word “understand.” But I find that so many of your sentences are short (or have lots of commas) and have little importance by themselves. If you compile them into a longer, more in depth sentence, you get a smoother read.

When I got up to go to the toilets, I felt a bit better. I strutted out of there, looking fabulous as I normally do, feeling like Carrie Bradshaw in 'Sex and the City' with my A-line skirt, blue scoop neck top tucked in and my electric blue tights. My trainers reminded me of what my Barbie doll used to have, in candy colours. I looked great. I know I did; I looked in the mirror in the toilets and wondered why such fabulousness was hidden in a cinema. I wanted to skip and bound in the West End, not sitting in the cinema! I had so much energy, but I rolled my eyes as I remembered where I was and why I was here.

“When I got up to use the toilet, I felt better. I had strutted out of there looking fabulous the way it seems I always do. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw in my A-line skirt, blue scoop neck top, and electric blue tights. My trainers reminded me of the ones my Barbie doll used to wear in striking candy colors.
I looked great. I know I did. Looking in the mirror, I wondered why such fabulousness was being hidden away in the dark of a cinema. I wanted to skip and bound through the West End with all the energy I had bottled up inside.
I rolled my eyes as I remembered why I was here.”

Okay, I know this seems like a LOT of changes but when you break up things like this, it makes each idea seem more distinct. (And I’ll say again, I feel really bad for making so many changes, but they really are only helpful suggestions and sources of inspiration. I’m really more of an editor sometimes then just a reviewer.)

I walked out of the toilets and slowly back to the screen. I went past a girl and boy who had just come out of their film, looking happy. I rolled my eyes, fluffed my hair, feeling like I'm going in for round two of being fake.

“I walked back to the screen, passing a girl and boy who had just left their own film looking happy. I rolled my eyes and fluffed my hair, ready for round two of playing pretend.”

Okay, that’s the last of it. I’m not even sure why I did this to be sure but it’s more out of need to give the ending some weight and body. But too be honest, I think you need to flesh out the ending some more. Perhaps build on the happy couple. That’s a good start anyway.
And I know this all seemed very harsh but this piece had a very strong admirable idea. So, just work on it a bit more. I would love to see how you revise it.

Hello

lilymoore seems to have covered most of what I was going to say in terms of what you've actually written so I'll focus more on the ideas if that's okay...

Alright, well firstly I liked the whole idea of this, however, I think you need to expand on it a bit more.

Why is she trying so hard to make herself like him? She said they used to be friends so tell us more about that.
Expand more on this idea of her hiding herself away, what's stopping her from reaching her full potential?
I agree you should go into some more detail about the happy couple coming out the cinema as well.
Think about some things like this and see what you come up with. It would give your character much more depth and make the whole thing much more interesting.

Like I said this has some good ideas and alot of potential, but at the moment it seems very bare and skeletal. You've got a very basic structure of the idea so just build up around it and I really think it could work well

Sofi.

hello clup91..

i'm still new here in yws, and i was just checking things out..

nice introduction, if it was one..

only that the character's emotion made me sad.

When I saw his face, I thought to myself, let's just chat like we used to as friends.

He cracked a couple of jokes like we used to, when we were friends.

they were once friends, but now...?

i'm looking forward to reading more.

god bless.

Need to watch your tenses. You switch back and forth between the two.

I'll be back to work on this critique in a bit.

Well, I liked the side that you showed. I think most of the comments above caught was I was going to mention, like tenses for instance.

What I want to know is why she is trying so hard to like this guy? I think someone above mentioned that before but that's the main question that came from this after I read it. Why? I mean, what reason does she have to be fake?

Also, at the end, I'm not sure if you wanted her to come off sounding a little... conceited? But she did to me. I was like, Whoa! What girl is that confident? I mean, yeah, I guess if your in your own little world, but really think like, do people actually think that way?

Hopefully this helps move your story along!

Good luck!

I stood by the bus stop with my arms crossed, resisting the feeling to say 'Go fuck yourself!' to the blistering cold winds of December. But I didn't, and I didn't do a lot of things today as I would have liked to.

For instance, when I saw Georgio, I didn't want to be there. I was late on purpose. When I saw his face, I thought to myself, let's just chat like we used to as friends. But no. We went straight to the film, to the back row in the corner, and his arm was immediately round my shoulders. I only rested my head against his chest to try and convince myself that if I believe I like him, I will. I tried. He cracked a couple of jokes like we used to, when we were friends. I laughed, but only out of nervousness. I rolled my eyes too, pretending it was due to his punchline. He got fooled nicely, but I wasn't. I couldn't fool myself. I wasn't really up for this, I wasn't ready to get into liking a boy again.

He made me face him with his hand and I faced him.If he made you face him, is it necessary to add that you did? If he didn't, you could say, he tried to make me face him. He planted his lips onto mine, and I just went with it, searching for a spark that never formed. I tried, I really tried. I couldn't wait till we finished kissing, because I wanted to watch the film. It was an action movie- James Bond. I don't like James Bond, I never understand it, and for once I wanted to try and get the jist gist is the correct spelling, just like aught is actually ought, right? of what his mission was about. I didn't understand. You already said you didn't understand, so add just, maybe? Like: I just didn't understand.

When I got up to go to the toilets, I felt a bit better. I strutted out of there, looking fabulous as I normally do, feeling like Carrie Bradshaw in 'Sex and the City' with my A-line skirt, blue scoop neck top tucked in and my electric blue tights. My trainers reminded me of what my Barbie doll used to have, in candy colours.colors I looked great. I know I did; I looked in the mirror in the toilets and wondered why such fabulousness was hidden in a cinema. I wanted to skip and bound in the West End, not sitting in the cinema! I had so much energy, but I rolled my eyes as I remembered where I was and why I was here.

I walked out of the toilets and slowly back to the screen. I went past a girl and boy who had just come out of their film, looking happy. I rolled my eyes, fluffed my hair, feeling like I'm going in for round two of being fake.

If you were trying to make me like the character, you might want to make the character likable in some way. One thing that can really kill a story is hating the narrator.

Also, it's really just me on this, but I don't really watch movies. I read plenty of books--just not the classics. So when you talk about Sex in the City, and the James Bond movies, which I frankly dislike without even having to watch it, I'm missing the comparison.

The character does have character, though, that's for sure. Though more of the character of a high school girl who can't think about much more than who is dating who, and how she looks.

Thanks guys