Dream Journal ~ #1

I know I'm already writing something but I decided to do something else while doing my other work. I'm going to be posting dreams that I have every time I sleep and put it inside a Dream Journal. I know it sounds crazy, but I couldn't help it. This first dream wouldn't leave me and so I had to write it down.

Because this is just a dream, I had real people I've met in this one. There are going to be references of religious places, for instance...church. But nothing beyond that.

Enough talking. Tell me what you think. Any criticism is welcomed. Enjoy reading!

I never liked him. Or so I thought.
My parents, as always conversed with the other adults in the lobby. My mother's expression was that content look, like she didn't like being here. Her pink lips formed a straight line as the brows tried not to look so severe. She placed on a fake smile, knowing that this was our last day here.
Dad was always the talkative person when we came to Cornerstone. His aqua blue eyes beamed in the bright lights as he held the laughter inside him. I knew what he was thinking as John entered through the chapel doors.
The church's pastor, John came inside the lobby with the same look he always held. The look of something that was missing in his life.
I didn't want to catch his attention, so I turned slightly to my side listening to my younger sisters. Mally, my fourteen year old sister, kept on going on about video games.
“I need help with that level, Mollie.” Mally whined, but not loud enough for other folks to hear.
“I'll help you when we get home, 'kay?” Mollie, the sixteen year old in the family wore a expression of annoyance. She didn't feel that way towards Mally but for the reason why we were here.
“Hey, girls. It's time to go in.” Dad told us as my family left in with the other families. I saw the Brewer family sit next to the Brown's as our family sat on the other side. Ashley Brewer sat next to Katie Brown as they talked while John started his sermon.
My thoughts drifted away from the sermon, as I thought about Katie. Her mom, Linda was one of the head leaders in AWANA. That program on Wednesdays was the only reason I came to this church.
I was friends with Katie at a time, then the church split and my family didn't go to Cornerstone for a full year. After the year, we came back and Katie felt distant. Well, my family agreed that it was time for us to move on.
Time quickly passed by as John wrapped up his sermon. As he left, the choir came up on stage. Katie and her mom was part of the choir as they practiced while everyone talked away with everyone else.
I glanced at Katie and then saw her staring at him. The one person everyone worshiped. Well, it did seem like that. He was John's oldest son. He was a PK. Short terms for Pastors kid.
For me, I couldn't get along with kids like that. Even Mollie went with me.
Josh went to the piano and started to play as the choir began. Yet, I couldn't believe what Jilly said that one night at AWANA.
Mally was playing in the fellowship room for game time as Mollie and me sneaked out to one of the secret rooms to hang with Jilly. Jilly is the same age as Mollie but we're all friends.
“You guys won't believe what I heard.” Jilly said as I closed the door.
“What?” Mollie replied as she was looking through the room to find something useful to do.
“You know how Katie has this major crush on Josh.”
“Yeah.” I said. All the high schoolers knew that she liked him. A lot.
Jilly then glanced at the door, “Well, I heard from Adrian and Taylor that Josh doesn't like her.” Adrian was Ashley's older brother and Taylor was Jilly's brother.
I saw Mollie pause where she was at and roll her blue eyes, “So what. How does this have to do with us?”
“It does.” Jilly paused and a smirk formed on her lips, “Josh never liked her and liked only one person.”
“Jilly this sounds childish and stupid. Who cares.” I said. I wasn't in the mood for some dumb gossip.
“Oh, you'll care, Merry. Because if Katie found out that Josh never liked her, then all hell would break lose.”
I let a loud sigh escape my lips as Mollie laughed softly. “Okay, tell us who, Jilly.”
“Josh only likes one person and that's you, Merry.”
My thoughts came back to me as I saw Katie showing off to Josh. Except he wasn't staring at her. He was staring at me.
I glanced back at Katie and then strangely she glared at me. A rush of relief lifted off of my shoulders, knowing that Katie wasn't this perky person at the moment.
Then I remembered dad. He almost felt like laughing because he found out from Mollie that Josh liked me and I didn't. He found it the most hilarious thing ever.
I then took a breath and sighed quietly and thought about what had happened these past few months. Everything was going to quickly. It was like I stood there in a room while everything around me went too fast.
My family's time here at Cornerstone was finally coming to an end. And as the worship ended my dad motioned us to leave without anybody noticing. We wanted nobody to know that we were finally leaving.
We made it to the parking lot, but I heard something. “Hey, dad. I'll be right back.”
“What? Hurry up, Merry.”
I turned and ran back inside to main hallway. Except there was no one there.
“Are you leaving, Merry?” I immediately froze to those words. I slowly turned around and saw him. He was here and waiting. For me.
I nodded but didn't say anything.
“Oh.” He glanced down at the carpet floor then back at me. “I wanted to tell you that-”
“Stop, Josh.” I motioned my hand in front of him while my brows crunched together. “I know what you're going to say. And I can't. Go after Katie, she deserves it.”
He wore a questionable stare, “What?”
“Sorry.” I lowered my hand and turned and ran off.
Everything seemed like it was going to fast. My lips formed into a satisfied smile as I made it to the car. My family didn't say anything as dad drove off. This was our last day.
Did I like him? I guess I could never say.

Hey Merry! I will be your friendly neighborhood reviewer. ^^

Nitpicks

I never liked him. Or so I thought.

I like the intro - it grabs the attention and brings up a lot of questions in my mind. Who? Why? All that.

My parents, as always conversed with the other adults in the lobby.

My parents, as always, conversed with the other adults <-- comma

My mother's expression was that content look, like she didn't like being here.

Do you mean discontent? I can't imagine she's content but doesn't want to be there.

“I need help with that level, Mollie.” Mally whined, but not loud enough for other folks to hear.

Dialogue should be structured like this: "I need help with that level, Mollie," Mally whined.
Notice I replaced the period with a comma - the end of the dialogue is technically not the end of a sentence when you have a dialogue tag like "she said" or "she cursed". Weird, I know, but that's how English does it, haha.

He was a PK. Short terms for Pastors kid.

This is a peculiar sentence or two because you say "terms", throwing me off. I imagine you meant it to be singular: Short term for Pastor's kid. (yeah, also I added a possessive apostrophe to Pastor)

For me, I couldn't get along with kids like that. Even Mollie went with me.
Josh went to the piano and started to play as the choir began. Yet, I couldn't believe what Jilly said that one night at AWANA.

With these two paragraphs, I don't understand why the first sentence of each one connects with the second one. Even Mollie went with me? What did that have to do with her not getting along with kids like that? What is the significance? Your meaning is unclear. Also, I don't understand what Josh playing the piano has to do with what Jilly say - you connect the two sentences with a yet, making me believe there's an underlying connection.
You need to clarify what you're trying to say here.

“You know how Katie has this major crush on Josh.”

This should have a question mark.

Everything was going to quickly.

Too fast.

Transitioning
The main thing within this story that caused me to falter while reading it were your time transitions. I found myself confused as to where I was in time, whether I was presently in the church with Merry or if I was back when she was told about Josh, and where the transitions between present and past occur. All you need are some time indicators - musings such as "on that day" and the like. Because I found myself a bit confused, and you don't want the reader wondering where they are in time!

Josh, Why Do You Like Me?
Well, I don't see why! There's no hint that Merry and him interacted, so his liking her seems like a baseless action. For most actions it's best to deliver an answer to the why question - why does this character do this? And I'm not convinced of his liking her - it seems foolish and childish right now. So make me feel like she actually knows him enough, has talked to him before so that he knows her enough to have feelings for her.

OVERALL
Everything I've said aside, I did genuinely like this story! I thought the writing was very good and I felt like I was really connecting with Merry - your name is Merry, so maybe it's you, hehe - and that's a good thing. I enjoyed her narrative, and I felt like we have a good start to an established character. So I do want to read more, since I really enjoyed reading this! I also liked the church setting - it felt very different from most things I've read.

PM me if you post more.

~ Clo

Clo-
Awww, thanks. What you said means a lot.

For the nitpicks, I will work on them when I have the time today. So thanks for pointing those out for me.

I'll try to work on the past and present thing. It was kind of hard to do because this was a dream.

Now, when I wrote this I brought in real events besides the dream itself. Like the time when Merry was with her sister and Jilly. That event did happen. -- Kind of sad. I don't really want to remember things like that.

Oh, and this is based off of real people. So Merry, is me. Some of it is dream like. (What I actually had for a dream last night)

And just a little insider because this is it for #1, I haven't been to Cornerstone in almost four years. So having a dream with these people is kind of scary.

Next time I do have a dream, I will write it out and post. And will defiently pm you!

Thanks!

-Merry

Hey there, Merry! ^_^ I do apologise for getting to this so late.

I liked this. The writing style was crisp and to the point, and the plot was refreshing. It would have been cliched if done by somebody else, because the main storyline was love interest - which is perfetly fine because it's a dream and you're not controlling it - but I think you made it work well. I liked the introduction of Josh, he's well rounded. XD The way the characters interacted was authentic and realistic - I know it happened in your dream so you're just recording it, but it can still be hard to write things down from memory and make them sound realistic.

Detail - I think that's what you need. Dreams are vague and abstract, barely encompassing any description. That's fine if you're just doing this so you can record your dreams, just so you have a memory of them. But if you want this story to go further or you're writing it with the intent of perfecting it, you need some description. Seeing as the place is a real place, describe it as you know it. Obviously if the dream was set in a made-up place, you can't add details as you don't know it. But seeing as you know this church you have the advantage of being able to describe it.

Write down every possible details of your dream. Location, colors, sounds, objects, characters, and your emotions are all important aspects of your dream. You may want to ask yourself the following questions.

What are the significant images or symbols in your dream?
Where was the dream located?
How did the dream make you feel? What was your mood when you first woke up from the dream?
How does your dream parallel a situation or experience in your waking life?

Sorry for going on and on.
I hope this helps!

Sarah
x

Wow, my dreams never make this much sense it's great and I have to agree with the other critiques, although I think you will probably have to make up most of the details as dreams often aren't that clear.

Short terms for Pastors kid.

The 'kid' should be capitalised, as it is the K in PK, right?

Adrian was Ashley's older brother and Taylor was Jilly's brother.

This sounds a bit gossipy. You've done this kind of thing with the seating arrangement as well, but this sentence doesn't need to be here at all. It's obvious by the way that Jilly overhears things and how everyone knows who Adrian and Taylor are by first name that they are members of the church community and unless they are going to feature more strongly you probably don't need to say that. (Plus: if you were going to feature them more strongly their interactions would most likely suggest they were siblings of the people they talk to.)

I immediately froze to those words.

"Immediately" is unnecessary, as freezing in this sense is usually instant. Also, you don't freeze to a word, you freeze AT a word.

I motioned my hand in front of him while my brows crunched together.

This is the second time in a short space that you used "motioned" and it's very obvious that it is repeated because there wasn't a lot of actions and dialogue between the first and second usage. "Motioned my hand" doesn't really make sense, anyway. You would do better to use "moved my hand" and instead of "while", indicating that it was being done by someone other than the persona, which means that her eyebrows have a mind of their own...?

He wore a questionable stare, "What?"

I think you mean a "questioning" stare, because "questionable" means "suspicious", basically. Also, because you are not saying he spoke, you should have a full stop instead of a comma (you also put full stops in place of commas in other places).

Did I like him? I guess I could never say.

Maybe insted of "I could never say" you should say "I couldn't say", because the former indicates you're remembering it in the future or something.