Staking of a Lonely Heart

LilyJamey wrote:This poem is a free form poem. I was thinking of how evil society can be (a la The Phantom of The Opera), so forgive me if it sounds a little odd.

(Hooray for free-form-poetry! I love it! I don't think you needed to italicize everything though; it kind of irks me, but that's just my preference. If you were going to write a story afterwards, then the italics would be good, but here I don't find it necessary.)

Silence, empty, within and without.

(I like the content of this first line, but I think it may be better if you instead structure it like;
"Empty silence, within and without;")

The strangeness of yawning hope and
(Do you mean yawning or yearning? Yearning sounds more suited to the poem than yawning.)

solitude, poisoned by suspicion.
(Good! I like that line ^)

The den of deathly open jaws
that consumes those society shuns
(Now, the first line, "The den of deathly open jaws" almost indicates that it would aid society shuns, not consume them.)
shuts but upon us. (This confused me a bit...)
Torn apart, limb from limb
by the agony of lonesomeness.(Try loneliness?)
Though it is self-inflicted (or is it?)
The blade thrusts as deep as (This gets confusing)
if it were of another.

Now here's the poem with my nit-picks. I tried not to change much because it's free form.

Empty silence, within and without;
The strangeness of yearning hope and
solitude, poisoned by suspicion.
The den of deathly, open jaws
Contributing to society shuns
Shuts but upon us.
Torn apart, limb by limb
By the agony of loneliness
Though it is self inflicted
Or is it?
The blade thrusts as deep
as if it were the point
of another's weapon.



All in all it was a good poem. I can't really say what you need to change since it is free verse, but I really liked it. Don't mind my gnawing on it too much; it's just what I would change, but it was really really good as it was. Keep it up!

June