Lock-it

********** Authors note: ****************
Ok so I am in desperate help for this one. PLEASE REVIEW!
I am not sure about the format...
Or the title. Give me your opinion: Lockit, Lock-it, Locket, or Lock-et. ? It has a double meaning to it. Hopefully you can understand it in the poem. Ok here i go!
********** ***************** ****************



That night, thats when it all began.
Every one was asleep but us.
We layed in bed, listening to the trickle of water running over the stones,
Imitating the sound of crystal pearls as its million droplets came splasing into the pond bellow.
Who would have guessed that on such an ordinary night,
Something so miraculous could have happened?
Not I.
Yet, the talk of this strange obsession with hands,
A united fondness of a hand tunning the radio,
Opened the locket.
Not by much, but enough to say we could now share a secret.
And ever since the crack,
The locket just opened wider and wider as our secrets came fluttering in.
Then came the time to lock it,
And the vow of silence.
A silent vow, unspoken about, not even by us.
But it was there all the same,
Our hearts constantly wispering it in unison as a shared lullaby.
Though locked, the locket is abandoned.
It hangs in mid air between our hearts,
Chained to us by the high and low of the lullaby,
No matter where we are.
once in a while, it is oppened to carefully let a new butterfly in.
But we never forget to lock it.
Hear those secrets, all the flutter they make...

Hey there Dustfinger, and welcome to YWS.

After reading your poem the first time though, I wasn't sure as to what message or theme you were trying to express here. I can vaguely gather the fact that it's about sharing secrets and keeping them close to one's heart, but your imagery is so haphazardly used together, it actually detracts from the ideas being expressed here. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if I like it or not.

Deeper analysis:

That night, thats when it all began.

Every one was asleep but us. Define who "us" is.

We layed in bed, listening to the trickle of water running over the stones, I assume that this is happening outdoors by a waterfall. "Layed" should be "laid".

Imitating the sound of crystal pearls as its million droplets came splasing into the pond bellow. This is redundant, why would we need to know what the waterfall sounds like? It doesn't tell us anything about your theme/idea, not to mention the fact that most of us knows what a waterfall sounds like. You also mispelled "below" and "splashing".

Who would have guessed that on such an ordinary night, This is blatant. Of course we wouldn't have guessed that something miraculous would happen. That's why they are miracules. Get rid of it.

Something so miraculous could have happened? Like what?

Not I.

Yet, the talk of this strange obsession with hands, Obsession with hands? What does it mean?

A united fondness of a hand tunning the radio, This line and the line below doesn't add up. What does tunning the radio have to do with opening a locket?

Opened the locket.

Not by much, but enough to say we could now share a secret. What secret? Past childhood memories? Confessing their sins?

And ever since the crack, Is this a literal crack or a figurative crack? The reason why I'm confused here is because you haven't indicated as to where this crack came from.

The locket just opened wider and wider as our secrets came fluttering in. By using the word "fluttering", I can image the secrets are quite happy and memorable, yet, because you haven't exactly shown us that, the word itself doesn't hold really hold much power.

Then came the time to lock it, Why would you lock it? With what?

And the vow of silence.

A silent vow, unspoken about, not even by us.

But it was there all the same,

Our hearts constantly wispering it in unison as a shared lullaby. You went from the locket to a lullaby? How does it add up? What is this lullaby?

Though locked, the locket is abandoned.

It hangs in mid air between our hearts,

Chained to us by the high and low of the lullaby, Again, what on earth is is lullaby?

No matter where we are.

once in a while, it is opened to carefully let a new butterfly in. Your use of symbolism here is weak. Yes, a butterfly represents new life and freedom, but again, because you haven't shown to use as to what this secret is, this symbol seems detached with the poem.

But we never forget to lock it. Why?

Hear those secrets, all the flutter they make...

Overall impressions:

I quite liked your extended metaphor of a locket being able to store or express secrets. You should salvage it. It's a shame that your entire poem rambles on with vague imagery. Line 1-4 is simply description of the setting, it does little to reinforce the extended metaphor. Line 8-10 doesn't make sense as stated above. Lines 13-20 and 23-25 has potential, but its muddled because you haven't expressed exactly as to what the secret is about.

When you are editing this, focus more on conveying the secrets that the two friends share, the reasons why needed to be lock away and prehaps even mention where the locket originated from (eg: as a birthday gift ?) to bring the symbolism of the butterfly more in context with the poem. Keep the symbolism of the butterfly and the extended metaphor, but everything else needs to go.

Good luck.

Andy.