Fifteen 3

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Chapter Two


1. ARIA

It’s over. The day is over. Aria collapses into the softness of her white hospital sheets and closes her eyes. Within her, the Monster’s armies rip through her with pounding victory drums and stomping victory dances. Her heart races. Her brain slows. An icy headache mushrooms in her skull.
“Let me go,” she begs the Monster. “Leave. Please.” Her head itches. Is her hair going to fall out? Aria loves her auburn hair.
Someone knocks on the door.
“Visiting hours are over!” she calls. That’s not true. They don’t end for another hour.
The door opens and there stands Penny. Aria shifts away in the bed as though blessed darkness would swallow her up. “I heard about your . . .” Penny starts. She looks at her shoes. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she says harshly. The Monster laughs at the lie.
Penny, never very good at picking up hints, does not leave. “Look, Aria, I’m a good secret keeper. And I don’t want anything from you. It just helps sometimes to tell someone what’s going on.” She closes the door behind her and sits in the visitor’s chair by the bed.
Aria sighs. Then she tells everything. “Penny. I need your help. Soon the chemo will start and I’ll lose my hair, so I want to shave is off now, you know?” She pulls all meaning out of the words, like none of it matters, like this is not one of the hardest paragraphs of her life. “Will you come with me? Just, you know, be there?”
Penny grins. “I will totally come shave your head.”


2. ZACH

Nighttime falls and silence wraps around him. He listens for his little brother and sister, for his parents, for Grandma, and then he tiptoes to Dad’s liquor cabinet. Quietly, quietly, he slides out a bottle of vodka and shuts the cabinet.
It is a ritual. It is a ceremony. He slips three cans of Red Bull from his school backpack and sets them on his desk in a triangle. He puts the vodka in the center of the triangle, and then he opens his notebook and uncaps his pen. It’s been a long time since he was able to get all the ingredients for a night like this, and it feels so, so good to finally do it again.
It has to be precise. A sip of vodka. A sip from each of the cans of Red Bull, going clockwise. More vodka. Three sips of Red Bull, counterclockwise. It takes hours, because each sip has to be savored, weighed o his tongue, tested for potency. It is three in the morning when All four bottles are empty.
Zach can’t stand up. He can barely breathe. He is weightless. His heartbeat moves his whole body and throws the room into spasms. Delight laces through him. But he’s same enough to remember the rules of the game. There are no sounds. He can’t laugh when his socks seem funny, or cry when his bedspread seems tragic, or scream when the pounding of his heart takes over his soul. He bites his tongue until it bleeds.
And then, like an epiphany, he sees his notebook on the table. He sees the pen lying perpendicular to the lines of the page. Someone even had the decency to uncap it for him.
And he’s writing. Words flicker inside him, licking at the hull of his heart and burning at the edges of his arteries. He can’t make out the words on the page, but he is entirely sure they are wise.
When he is sober, when his hangover fades, he will open the notebook again. He will look at these words and weep, for the beauty there will astound him.



3. KAINAN

Who is Kainan Manz?
Who is Kainan Manz?
The old answer hovers just out of grasp, a carrot before a mule. Kainan is an honest boy. No! That’s a lie!
So, then, who is Kainan Manz?
Kainan wakes up sweating. His chest pounds as though he’s been running. He becomes aware quite suddenly that he has been digging his fingernails into his thighs.
Before he knows what he’s doing he is out of bed and scrambling into his workboots and winter jacket. He splashes out the door and runs across the yard, running just for the sake of getting away. There was another thing, another reason for this midnight fleeing. It too lingers just out of reach.
Aria has cancer.
Aria, the girl he kissed in kindergarten, whom he comforted when she cried, whom he really and truly loved, was dying.
He skids to a halt. His ears burn with the cold. His throat and mouth are sticky from running. His sides ache. Darkness plays between his ankles. Kainan looks down.
He stands at the top of a cliff, somewhere on Mr. Jansen’s farm. The toes of his boots stick out over the edge. Kainan’s eyes widen with the sheer impossibility of stopping so suddenly and with such perfect timing.
I don’t want to die.
Another part of him, a darker, deeper side of Kainan, raises one eyebrow. Then why are you standing at the top of a cliff in the middle of the night?
Kainan sighs. As he walks home, across the fields of cut corn and browning grass, The Question circles over and over through his brain.
Who is Kainan Manz?


4. LIZ

Arithmetic lies to her. In sultry tones the numbers spout their seductive untruths, dragging her in. If only one and one was always two. If only one and one did not sometimes equal drunken fights, bruises, dishes strewn across the linoleum.
So Liz comes to a logical conclusion. Numbers, with their sweet persuasion, are not to be trusted. They must be carefully watched, second-guessed, triple-checked.
Math class. Liz glances at Kainan’s paper on the desk beside her. Kainan is blind to the deceit. On his paper, square calculations line up like soldiers for the slaughter.
On Liz’s paper: between the lines, scribbled, uneven solutions.
Life minus love equals the absolute value of zero.
Body minus soul equals mirror image.
Poetry divided by meaning equals the negative square root of the reciprocal of nothing.
Why is this happening? Only days ago, math and its uncomplicated logic was her salvation. Now she cannot bear the tiny untruths that grow and grow and GROW until they
Explode.
Why?
People say Aria D’Amor has cancer. They say she’s going to die, that she is reacting badly to radiotherapy. Liz and Aria were friends, once upon a time. Maybe her ex-best-friend’s immenant untimely death has sent Liz soul-searching. Maybe it is her drunken father and his gun, his violence, and her mother’s submissive behavior. Maybe it’s in the air. Autumn, the season of death, always bothers her.
Maybe it’s being fifteen.
Maybe it’s being female.
Maybe it’s being human.


5. PENNY


Supposed to be with Aria, shaving her head. She is supposed to be strong, supportive. But this is far more important than a friend’s hair.
It’s a thrill. It’s a rush. Blood splatters. Her wrist runs crimson. Anger and love, violence and lust. Red. Somewhere inside this pink skin package is a key, a door, a wondow. Somewhere within, beyond the crimson, is a soul? Where? Where?
Penny presses harder. Blood spurts like it hasn’t before. There’s blood on the ceiling, dripping into her hair. Aria doesn’t have hair anymore. Penny doesn’t stop. Cut deeper. Find the soul.
Her head spins. So red, so red! Her legs tremble. Her throat catches. Penny tumbles to the pink bathroom floor, awash in her own blood. The world runs red, and then, finally, black.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




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Hey there! I'm Sarah and I'm your reviewer for today. -salutes- I will admit I haven't read the other chapters, (sorry) but I will.

1.


It’s over. The day is over. Aria collapses into the softness of her white hospital sheets and closes her eyes. Within her, the Monster’s armies rip through her with pounding victory drums and stomping victory dances.


This is a very strong, intense opening line. It grabs the reader and screams at them to want to know more. It's really intriguing.

Her heart races. Her brain slows. An icy headache mushrooms in her skull.

I'm not sure 'mushroom' is a word?

“Let me go,” she begs the Monster. “Leave. Please.” Her head itches. Is her hair going to fall out? Aria loves her auburn hair.

Ah. I think I have a vague inkling of what is going on now. Is it Cancer, or something? With the Monster being significant of the illness? Forgive me for that. I'm far too impatient. Just ignore me.

Someone knocks on the door.

I know you write abstractly, which is what I tend to do. But here would be an ideal opportunity to insert some description. Of the main character, Aria. Of the surroundings, the smells, the sounds, how the bed feels underneath her.

“Visiting hours are over!” she calls. That’s not true. They don’t end for another hour.

Here you need to specify who exactly is calling.

Aria shifts away in the bed as though blessed darkness would swallow her up.

This line is a bit baffling, like you rushed it just to get words down. It doesn't really make sense. Re-write?

“I heard about your . . .” Penny starts. She looks at her shoes. “Are you okay?”

You haven't really explained anything. Like, who Penny is, how she's related to her. We need an introduction of their relationship, something solid for us to hold on to. Just a bit of clarification would be fine.

Aria sighs. Then she tells everything.

"Tells everything' sounds wrong. Maybe, 'tells Penny everything.' or 'tells her everything.'

She pulls all meaning out of the words, like none of it matters, like this is not one of the hardest paragraphs of her life.

'Paragraphs' is the wrong word. "Chapters' would be fine.

Penny grins. “I will totally come shave your head.”

Good. Ironic, gives us an insight into Penny's character. I like her already; she's obviously not one for the long, melodramatic weepy scenes. You show this because she gets all insecure, as you demonstrated through gestures like looking at her shoes. Very cleverly done.

2.

Nighttime falls and silence wraps around him.

'Nighttime falls' is a bit of a cliched way to start after all that originality. You can do better! :D

He listens for his little brother and sister, for his parents, for Grandma, and then he tiptoes to Dad’s liquor cabinet. Quietly, quietly, he slides out a bottle of vodka and shuts the cabinet.

I don't understand the repetition of 'quietly'. "quickly, quietly' would sound better.

It is a ritual. It is a ceremony.

Those two words basically mean the same thing. So nix one of 'em.

He slips three cans of Red Bull from his school backpack

Rephrase: "He slips three cans of Red Bull out of his school backpack."

It takes hours, because each sip has to be savored, weighed o his tongue, tested for potency.

You missed the 'n' in 'on.'

It is three in the morning when All four bottles are empty.

'all' doesn't need to be capitalised.

Delight laces through him.

Delight seems to be a strange emotion, after all the previous ones you've expressed. :?

But he’s same enough to remember the rules of the game.

You meant 'sane' with an 'n'.

He can’t laugh when his socks seem funny, or cry when his bedspread seems tragic, or scream when the pounding of his heart takes over his soul.

I loved all these analogies. They were quirky, strange, untouched. Great!

When he is sober, when his hangover fades, he will open the notebook again. He will look at these words and weep, for the beauty there will astound him.

Beautiful.

3.

a carrot before a mule.

Bit of a cliche.


5.

Anger and love, violence and lust.

This sentence kills all the emotions. It's just...an anti-climax. Just a list of concepts without explanation. Nix.


Hey! :D I really liked this. It was fascinating how all the stories weaved together, you did it ingeniously. You need to work on description and settings. But your atmospheres are brilliant, and I like your characters. I think this would work even better if you elongated each chapter so they stood on their own. But never mind. That might not work for you.

Well done! -clicks gold star-

Sarah
xxx
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Hey, uh, yeah, it's me again and no I'm not stalking you.


I see you got a decent-length review from CastlesInTheSky so I won't drag on too much and I'll just touch on each section briefly.


1. Again, you portray Aria's fears very well and very vividly which is cool. Most of all, however, I love how you take this opportunity to give more insight into Penny. After getting to know Penny previously, I can tell that she is nearly ecstatic to see that she will in a sense, get to witness Aria's downfall. At least I think that's kind of what you're going for. Trying to show that Penny is jealous.

2. This is the one I want to see more of. Zach is the one I want to see more of and understand. In a way, I love how he deals with everything because its the way we're told not to. And the ceremonious routine of it all is enticing to watch unfold. But what I really want to know more about is the drunken writing. What does Zach really have to say?

3. Now this is where I thought thinks were really gonna shift because for a split second I thought he might jump. And that was terrifying. But after I realized that he wasn't going to, I was elated. The fact that I felt that sort of emotion is impressive.

4. And this is one of the parts of chapter two that you should be most proud of. The blend of romance and mathematics is superb and magnificent and I can understand Liz's confusion.

5. And we come to a close with Penny who is elated to see Aria's fall but she's careless and in this we close on what may very well be the end of her life. *shrugs* That's why I'll come back for more.


If you have any questions, just pm me and I'd be glad to answer it for you.



~lilymoore



It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain