Whispers of What we Lost

On frozen mountaintops high above,
Where darkness lingers but moonlight glows,
Lies the quiet of liberated souls.

Past the mountains’ permafrost,
In the valleys deep below,
Tarry the spirits of our lost selves.

Within the forest’s surreal gloom,
Where withered sorrows lead minds astray,
Reside the remnants of who we are.

In rocky tunnels dug from earth,
Where eyes can’t tell night from day,
Echo the whispers of what we lost.

Deep in waters clear and blue,
Stained from life of creatures unknown,
Evanescent dreams wait for us.

In barren wastelands deprived from rain,
Which no one being can call home,
The tintinnabulation of our greater selves is heard.

And if one listens long enough,
To rustling leaves and rolling waves,
One can hear human innocence.

The greater good is not as great,
As nature pulling ghosts from graves;
The ghosts of ourselves, dead as we live.

Can we be freed from material chains?
What shackles hold us in this place,
Where our spirits slowly wilt?

Bound to violence and power-lust,
Who can save the human race,
When it refuses to be saved?

Hey there.

I have some issues with your poem, but let's start with the good news. Ready? It was beautiful. Really beautiful. I loved the imagery; I read it twice because I wanted to really appreciate them. The not-so-good thing about it was that it was so choppy. The three-line stanzas seemed to be full poems in themselves, almost, which, granted, is actually the way I write prose so I guess I'm just a hypocrite, but still. Here's a thought:

On frozen mountaintops far above,
Where darkness lingers but moonlight glows,
Lies the quiet of liberated souls.
Their cries scream in pulsing silence,
And their twisting death-songs
Fill the valley with brooding, heavy night.

Obviously that's my style and not yours, and I just wrote what cam einto my head, but see what I mean? I don't know. Play around with it. Definitely don't just read this critique and go back to whatever poem you're writing now, which would be a waste of a really good poem (this one).

Hah, thanks. You style seems a little dark. I would have normally turned to that direction, but I wanted to experiment with something. I wanted to give the reader hope; I wanted to let them believe that they would find life's meaning within nature. Or something like that. It's a little too late to fix it, since my mom submitted it into a contest (without my permission! Grr...). Anyway, thanks for the critique, and I'll keep it in mind when I'm next writing about a similar topic.

Man, I really enjoyed this piece! I was immediately drawn by your words and captivated by the flow of your poetry. I know we have all lost something, in search to find something that means anything.

"On frozen mountaintops high above,
Where darkness lingers but moonlight glows,
Lies the quiet of liberated souls."

I loved this line! It made me feel that even though in the midst of darkness, where I can barely see, there is still hope because of a light that shines. I liked how you used nature to bring good imagery to your poem. I tried to visualize what you were saying, as if I was watching a movie. I liked how you used liberated souls. Good word selection.

"Past the mountains’ permafrost,
In the valleys deep below,
Tarry the spirits of our lost selves."

I really enjoyed this line as well. The one thing that stood out to me, was that the spirits were lost. I always feel lost and this gave me the perfect depiction of my own personal problem. Good line!


Within the forest’s surreal gloom,
Where withered sorrows lead minds astray,
Reside the remnants of who we are.

A lot of people try to effect the paths of others and try to lead them on a path of destruction. You said that "where withered sorrows lead minds astray, reside the remnants of who we are. This is so true, because we can find ourselves in the interference of other people who we have allowed to take control of our lives.

In rocky tunnels dug from earth,
Where eyes can’t tell night from day,
Echo the whispers of what we lost.

I really liked this part because we can find ourselves in nature and restore what we have lost. Everything in this world is interdependent with one another. There is a deep communion and fellowship with all humans including nature. This reminds me of a heightened source of some deep spirituality that people long for. You made me feel that even though we lose things in our lives, that they can be obtained once again.

Can we be freed from material chains?
What shackles hold us in this place,
Where our spirits slowly wilt?

Bound to violence and power-lust,
Who can save the human race,
When it refuses to be saved?

I especially enjoyed both of these lines that lead to the conclusion of your poem. We have allowed certain things in our lives to control us and bind us to the miserable existence that we try to run from. We are bound to this world and the temptations that keep us so far from ascending to who we can truly be. We can save the human race. We all have hidden power deep inside of us that can conquer all evil and bring pure light to the world. Some choose to and some don't. I really enjoyed your poem! Awesome job! Keep writing.

Well. This is really good and your emotions...

On frozen mountaintops high above,
Where darkness lingers but moonlight glows,
Lies the quiet of liberated souls.

Really good. Well thought out. I love the last line the most.

Past the mountains’ permafrost,
In the valleys deep below,
Tarry the spirits of our lost selves.

The last line: 'Tarry' It doesn't work for me, or well, it does just...I don't know.

In rocky tunnels dug from earth,
Where eyes can’t tell night from day,
Echo the whispers of what we lost.

This is very,very good.

Deep in waters clear and blue,
Stained from life of creatures unknown,
Evanescent dreams wait for us.

I love your word choice. It really sets your imagination free.

In barren wastelands deprived from rain,
Which no one being can call home,
The tintinnabulation of our greater selves is heard.

The second line doesn't work for me.
It is a bit unclear and can confuse the reader(Like me)
Make it something like: Which no living thing can call home,
Which not one being can call home
Something like that. Or if you want to make it more dramatic, add a "t" at the end of "no".
Then you will get something like: "Which not one being can call home,"

And if one listens long enough,
To rustling leaves and rolling waves,
One can hear human innocence.

Another nice line.

The greater good is not as great,
As nature pulling ghosts from graves;
The ghosts of ourselves, dead as we live.

The second line. If you change 'pulling' to pulls. It will make a nice alliteration.

"As nature pulls ghosts from graves;" would sound more affective.

Can we be freed from material chains?
What shackles hold us in this place,
Where our spirits slowly wilt?

Love the way you ask the question.

Bound to violence and power-lust,
Who can save the human race,
When it refuses to be saved?

Very nice, but I feel here you just got lazy.(Sorry) While the rest is fantastic, this just got a little...I don't know.

All in all. It is a great poem. Looking forward to read more of your work.