House-revised

Love is always compared to something different every time you here about it. Sometimes it's called a bird, flying high in she sky, but it's more about the feeling of flying. Then it's called a flower, blooming it to something beautiful, but not all flowers bloom. The only thing that is even close to describing love is a house lite up with the hopes and dreams of those inside. If you just walk in to one, you feel warm, like walking up to a fire on a cold winter night.
You can see the love when it's stronger then just your family or friends. If you look at a teenage girl right after her first kiss, or being told that she is loved by someone else, you see that glow. It's stronger then anything else. It seems like it has more to it. It's like you have more love then actually need, but you're not willing to give it up.

Ohh, what love makes you feel. It's very poetic, and has a subtle but appealing voice in it that speaks of a person thoroughly fascinated by love, and I'm interested to see what exactly is fueling these thoughts. It's a fairly good way to establish whoever the narrator is.

... all that assuming this is a part of a story. XD;; It's very cute, but doesn't exactly want me to read more. You're going to have to introduce a conflict that the reader can see for him/her to maintain interest.

Again, very cute. ;D I'm interested. Keep going!

~Beez

Very nice! So cute and so poetic, and so true! It's kinda simple, but complex, I really like the idea and the way it's written. Are we gonna get a story to go with it? Please

This is a very cute piece and it definately brings new, interesting thoughts to ones attention. But you wanna hear a secret, I only read it cause I love Hugh Laurie, just don't tell anyone.

But god, all the ways you could elaborate on this piece. If you were to make it longer it would be very wonderful. Just a suggestion, but build a family for this house, not a complex one but something basic and tell the house's story, maybe something at Christmas. Just a suggestion, sorry.

But anyway, yeah, like I said, it was very good and worth the read.



~lilymoore

But you wanna hear a secret, I only read it cause I love Hugh Laurie, just don't tell anyone.

Haha, me too. I'm so sorry, but that's just the way obsession works

Since this seems to focus on an idea - concept, really - more than actual conventions, I am not going to concentrate on the mundane aspects such as language, word choice, etc. Only ideas.

bunnie_i_am wrote:Love is always compared to something different every time you here about it. Sometimes it's called a bird, flying high in she sky, but that's a lie. Then it's called a flower, blooming it to something beautiful, but flowers die. The only thing that is even close to describing love is a house lite up with the hopes and dreams of those inside. If you just walk in to one, you feel warm, like walking up to a fire on a cold winter night.

This makes no sense. You throw around what love is and what it's not, but you don't give any reasoning as to why. A metaphor looks pretty but the only way it will hold weight is if the reader understands why it's being used. Since love is such a difficult phenomenon to explain in the first place, I would expect to receive at least an explanation, even in poetic or literary form, about how you came to regard or disregard these analogies. What I find, though, is seemingly random observations without backing. If you want this to be decently written, then please explain why love is not like a bird but is like a house. Obviously, the difference can't be, as you state, the fact that birds and flowers die; after all, don't houses fall eventually? It has to be something else and you just keep us in the dark. Light it up for the reader.

You can see the love when it's stronger then just your family or friends. If you look at a teenage girl right after her first kiss, or being told that she is loved by someone else, you see that glow. Like a house at Christmas time, lite up by the lights and the joy of the season.

The connection between a physical and a metaphysical glow was a good one, and could have had potential, but you brought it down almost immediately with the over-wrought description of the house. Yes, we know the house is like love; you don't have to remind us again of that fact, at least not as clearly as you have done it. It feels like you are re-hashing exactly what you've said at the end of the preceding paragraph.

When one is not loved, it's an empty shack, no hopes, no dreams, just empty, useless.

Where did this come from? It's always a bad idea to end a story with a completely new idea that hasn't been even introduced or expanded upon in the story itself. Don't even try to rework this paragraph - just get rid of it. It serves no purpose and leaves the reader wondering where the rest of the story went, because it sounds like you chopped off the "real" ending and left us with this.

In general, you can save this story, but at present it feels like a roller coaster ride between good and bad storytelling. Clean up the bad, and it will become a little more linear again.

Thanks everyone! I will deffinetly fix some of those things. And as of right now, I'm thinking of it to become a story, but I got to get time. Thanks again! Keep replying and keepreading!
bunnie

I really like this. It makes more sense then a bird or flower, like you said.

It's like you have more love then actually need, but you're not willing to give it up.

This is my favorite part! You should continue it on!
Well I couldn't find any major errors, so thanks!
bye!