Twisting Paths: Preface [Edited]

Finally got to work on preface. It's much better than before, now that I read it. Yeah, this is far different from the other one. Hoped I didn't do too many errors. I may need to hire a personal editor.

The preface is long, and the edited version of the chapter 1 is going to be longer, so I'm going to post the two seperately. I didn't add a bunch of things I overlooked while writing chapter 1. The envirement sucks, doesn't it? And I mean for chapter 1 and preface. I won't say anything about chapter 1 here because this isn't the right place.

By the way, I keep forgetting to add the italics after pasting.
~~~Yay!LineBreak!~~~~~~~weeeeeePrefaceeeeee~~~~~~~~~
Twisting Paths
Neo
Preface

I turned to every direction I could think of, looking for hidden enemies. All I could see was see the dry, cracked ground stretch off in to the horizon where the late afternoon sun rested. No landmarks, no tents, nothing to separate one small piece of land from another. It was going to be hard to find my way back, too. Only if there was a landmark, any type of landmark, around here, I would be happy.

I got that little creepy feeling that you’re being watched. I turned around in time to see a figure dash at me, sword out. My instincts took over, so I didn’t take anything about him in. I blocked and pushed him back with my sapphire sword. I moved forward to attack, but he disappeared. Everybody goes for the back. I turned around to see him thrust his ruby blade into the ground about twenty yards away. It sank easily, like the ground was mud. The first thing that went through my mind was that this guy was a pure idiot. The ground shook and the second thought I got was that this guy was a powerful idiot. Suddenly, I saw the ground in front of him split and the splitting continued at a huge speed. Straight at me.

I ran towards the side and did a somersault when the shockwave got near me. A huge cloud of dust filled the air, covering my eyesight. I couldn’t see a thing.
The dust finally started to settle, the sunlight reaching through to touch the ground. The sunlight also illuminated the outer edge of the trench. The smell of sulfur resonated from the scar in the surface.
At least I got my wish.

On one side, horizontal to the trench, I stood up. I looked back and saw that the trench went at least for another fifteen yards. At the stem of the trench was my attacker. I was tired of fighting, my bones agreeing with me on that one. I wondered if there was a bunch of other enemies to fight. I shook my head. If there was, then I hoped this guy wasn’t with them. But... If another battalion was around, and I was alone here, then I could be defeated easily. Was it possible that the enemy was taking out the strong, one by one?

No. It was even worse than that, or anything else I could have come up with.

I finally took in my attacker’s looks. What I saw shocked me. A boy at the age of fourteen with blazing red hair stood at the other side of the trench. He was leaning on a sword with a fierce maroon-red blade that seemed to flow and change. The pommel was covered by his hand, but I knew it was a gem that resembled a ruby. I knew this guy, but he was supposed to be dead…. What was even freakier was that he was wearing a badge. The enemy’s badge. Even though I was too far away to see it clearly, I had seen the image of a sword wrapped with a snake quite enough. And what was it doing on him?

He was much calmer than me. That was obvious.

“Yo, what’s up? Haven’t seen you much lately.”

I couldn’t even reply. I thought he was dead, and there he was, on the enemy side, on the
battlefield, making small talk!

All I could do was gawk stupidly at my long lost twin.

Nice. A very intriguing read.

I turned to every direction I could think of,

Try changing to to in.

cracked ground stretch off in to the horizon where the late afternoon sun rested.

I'm pretty sure this should be stretching.

Only if there was a landmark,

Switch around only and if: If only...

I got that little creepy feeling that you’re being watched.

Hmm, I think this is phrased incorrectly. Here, try this: I got that creepy little feeling you get when you're being watched.

Your descriptions are fabulous. I can really tell you worked hard on this and I couldn't even find that many mistakes. It's a good thing this is just the prologue and not the first chapter though because I find it a little hard to follow. I don't really like stories where you just jump right into the action. I like the kind where there's an explanation first and you're there from the beginning, but that's just me. Anyways, I hope the first chapter will clear things up a bit.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

I'm going to borrow a page from Demeter's book and just quote everything. My comments/changes/additions are in bold.

M Dragon wrote:Twisting Paths
Neo
Preface

I turned to every direction I could think of, looking for hidden enemies. All I could see was see the dry, cracked ground stretch off in to the horizon where the late afternoon sun rested. No landmarks, no tents, nothing to separate one small piece of land from another. It was going to be hard to find my way back, too. Only if there was a landmark, any type of landmark, around here, I would be happy.

Late afternoon sun can block people's vision and landmarks. Is it far enough away from the horizon that ha can see in every direction? Also, how hot is it? Cracked ground makes me think it's hot, but he's not complaining about the heat.

I got that little creepy feeling that you’re being watched. Delete little. Either put: "that creepy feeling you get when you're being watched", or "the creepy feeling that I was being watched I turned around in time to see a figure dash at me, sword out. My instincts took over, so I didn’t take anything about him in. the info after the comma is redundant. I blocked and pushed him back with my sapphire sword. I moved forward to attack, but he had disappeared. Everybody goes for the back. Add, "I knew" somewhere in that sentence. I turned around to see him thrust his ruby blade into the ground about twenty yards away. It sank easily, like the ground was mud. The first thing that went through my mind Since he hasn't shown any signs of being a telepath, there is no need for "my mind". was that this guy was a pure replace with total idiot. The ground shook and the second thought I got replace "got" with "had" was that this guy was a powerful idiot. Suddenly, I saw the ground in front of him split and the splitting continued at a huge speed. Straight at me. The order feels a little off. Try putting the thought that he was a powerful idiot somewhere after the split opens up.

I ran towards the side and did a somersault when the shockwave got near me. A huge cloud of dust filled the air, covering my eyesight. I couldn’t see a thing. Replace "a thing" with anything if you want it to seem more desperate.
The dust was finally started to settle; the sunlight reached through to touch the ground. The sunlight also illuminated the outer edge of the trench. Delete "also" and you could replace "the sunlight" with "it". The smell of sulfur resonated "resonated" makes me think of sound. I'd change it to "emanated" from the scar in the surface.
At least I got my wish. What wish?

On one side, horizontal to the trench, I stood up. Up isn't really needed, and you might want to change horizontal to parallel. I looked back and saw that the trench went at least for another fifteen yards. Back makes me think he's looking across the trench for some reason. Since he's beside it, change it to behind me At the stem of the trench was my attacker. I was tired of fighting, my bones agreeing with me on that one. On that one is not needed I wondered if there was a bunch of other enemies to fight. I shook my head. If there was, then I hoped this guy wasn’t with them. But... If another battalion was around, and I was alone here, here is unneeded then I could be defeated easily. Was it possible that the enemy was taking out the strong, one by one?

No. It was even worse than that, or anything else I could have come up with. So they're not going to jump on the chance to get rid of the strong one by one? That method sounds easier to me.

I finally took in my attacker’s looks. If you delete the line I mentioned above, "finally" can be removed. What I saw shocked me. A boy at the age of fourteen with blazing red hair stood at the other side of the trench. That's not much of a reason for him to be shocked. Enough people have blazing red hair. He was leaning on a sword with a fierce maroon-red blade that seemed to flow and change My mind always adds: "like water" to the end of this line. The pommel was covered by his hand, but I knew it was a gem that resembled a ruby. Why does it simply resemble a ruby? Something for later on? I knew this guy, This guy can be changed to him but he was supposed to be dead…. What was even freakier was that he was wearing a badge; the enemy’s badge. Even though I was too far away to see it clearly, I had seen the image of a sword wrapped with a snake quite replace "quite" with "well" enough. And what was it doing on him?

He was much calmer than me. That was obvious. Second line is borderline redundant

“Yo, what’s up? Haven’t seen you much lately.” Yo makes this feel out of place with the flowing prose. Either delete or change.

I couldn’t even reply. I thought he was dead, and there he was, on the enemy's side, on the battlefield, making small talk! The number of "on"s drives it home that he's really shocked in my opinion.

All I could do was gawk stupidly Stupidly is redundant if you use gawk. at my long lost twin. Hmmm, if the start of chapter 1 is the fourteenth birthday, they haven't been apart for long now, have they?

The preface gives a nice chunk of information, more then before you edited. All the comments are things that'll pop up in a first draft.

Characters- I like them. The details you use gives a rough sketch of both personalities, which is what you want for an preface that is an excerpt like this is. Neo's surprise becomes understandable when we find out that it's his long-lost twin (if his name's not Neo, sorry), but there isn't that much that leads up to that fact. That's a small thing, but I noticed.

Prose- Very, very nice. Much better imagery then before. Now it feels like a fantasy set in a sword-wielding world. I don't know why, but some genres have certain prose styles.

Grammar- I did change some of it, so it's not as choppy. The only thing I've really change is replaced some periods with semicolons ( ; ). See if you like it. If not, feel free to change it back.

Thanks a bunch for commenting. Helps a lot. Guess I'm going to update tomorrow, chapter 1 (if I have time to do that) and this.

His name's Nero, by the way. I know, close resemblance. There's a reason why it's called Neo (with Lexis's version called Leo). Keep guessing.

Yeah, I was about to say something like "I blocked his sword and pushed him back. Was that just now a red-bladed sword?" Something like that, but my mind couldn't place it in. xD

I love swords. After I get my own house (:cry: Wish I could get one now...), I'm going to buy this one dragon-themed (No, duh. ) sword off of this one site.

Yeah, I tried to picture a "late afternoon sun" but for some reason it didn't come to my head. Thanks.

So much work. A lazy person shouldn't be subjected to this.

Twisting Paths

Neo

Preface

I turned to every direction I could think of, looking for hidden enemies. All I could see was see the dry, cracked ground stretch off in to the horizon where the late afternoon sun rested. No landmarks, no tents, nothing to separate one small piece of land from another. It was going to be hard to find my way back, too. Only if there was a landmark, any type of landmark, around here, I would be happy.

I got that little creepy feeling that you’re being watched. I turned around in time to see a figure dash at me, sword out. My instincts took over, so I didn’t take anything about him in. I blocked and pushed him back with my sapphire sword. I moved forward to attack, but he disappeared. Everybody goes for the back. I turned around to see him thrust his ruby blade into the ground about twenty yards away. It sank easily, like the ground was mud. The first thing that went through my mind was that this guy was a pure idiot. The ground shook and the second thought I got was that this guy was a powerful idiot. Suddenly, I saw the ground in front of him split and the splitting continued at a huge speed. Straight at me.

I ran towards the side and did a somersault when the shockwave got near me. A huge cloud of dust filled the air, covering my eyesight. I couldn’t see a thing.
The dust finally started to settle, the sunlight reaching through to touch the ground. The sunlight also illuminated the outer edge of the trench. The smell of sulfur resonated from the scar in the surface.
At least I got my wish.

On one side, horizontal to the trench, I stood up. I looked back and saw that the trench went at least for another fifteen yards. At the stem of the trench was my attacker. I was tired of fighting, my bones agreeing with me on that one. I wondered if there was a bunch of other enemies to fight. I shook my head. If there was, then I hoped this guy wasn’t with them. But... If another battalion was around, and I was alone here, then I could be defeated easily. Was it possible that the enemy was taking out the strong, one by one?

No. It was even worse than that, or anything else I could have come up with.

I finally took in my attacker’s looks. What I saw shocked me. A boy at the age of fourteen with blazing red hair stood at the other side of the trench. He was leaning on a sword with a fierce maroon-red blade that seemed to flow and change. The pommel was covered by his hand, but I knew it was a gem that resembled a ruby. I knew this guy, but he was supposed to be dead…. What was even freakier was that he was wearing a badge. The enemy’s badge. Even though I was too far away to see it clearly, I had seen the image of a sword wrapped with a snake quite enough. And what was it doing on him?

He was much calmer than me. That was obvious.

“Yo, what’s up? Haven’t seen you much lately.”

I couldn’t even reply. I thought he was dead, and there he was, on the enemy side, on the
battlefield, making small talk!

All I could do was gawk stupidly at my long lost twin.

>why was Neo looking for hidden enemies when he is lost out there? And isn't "dry cracked ground" too exaggerated, since it seems as if he doesn't even feel the intense heat?

>it's nice, anyway..

Hi there M Dragon, welcome to YWS. Good to see another fantasy writer.

All I could see was see the dry, cracked ground stretch off in to the horizon where the late afternoon sun rested.

Rephrase. It sounds as though the path is in the sky.

It was going to be hard to find my way back, too. Only if there was a landmark, any type of landmark, around here, I would be happy.

Why would you be happy?

I got that little creepy feeling that you’re being watched.

Why would the narrator get this feeling of being watched? Did he heard a sound? Did he see something in the corner of his eye?

I wondered if there was a bunch of other enemies to fight.

You wondered if there are other people to fight? But didn't the narrator want to avoid confrontation? Yet, here, he sounds as though he's eagar to fight people. No offence, but he sounds like some little kid playing a video game right here.

A boy at the age of fourteen with blazing red hair stood at the other side of the trench. He was leaning on a sword with a fierce maroon-red blade that seemed to flow and change. The pommel was covered by his hand, but I knew it was a gem that resembled a ruby. I knew this guy, but he was supposed to be dead…. What was even freakier was that he was wearing a badge.

OK this is just nonsense. A 14 year old kid that is willing to risk his life fighting for some organization. Do you know any 14 year old that is willing to do that?

Overall impressions:

This reads more like a children's anime cartoon and/or some sort of video game. This is evident for the following reasons:

1) Descriptions: Your descriptions reads as though you are describing what happens as you are playing one. Here is an example:

I ran towards the side and did a somersault when the shockwave got near me.

You can't see shock waves nor are they tangible. Waves are simply disturbances in a medium. But in video games, designers do show these "waves" so that players would be able to dodge the attack. This reflects the description that I've quoted. You are describing the waves as though it is tangible and that it can be seen, but it is unrealistic. There are more examples of that in your piece, but I'm not going to go through them all.

2) Voice of narrator: The narrator sounds more like some kid than some lone mercenary risking limb and life. The tone is too casual and the narrator only stating what he observes. Considering this is a mercenary that has experienced many deaths (and probably even took someone's life before), he doesn't have anything insightful or meaningful to say.

This is reinforced with the following dialogue:

“Yo, what’s up? Haven’t seen you much lately.”

Yo, what's up? It's like some wannabe gangster-kid asking how his friend's doing. It lacks the authority and depth of a true mercenary.

That is all. Good luck.
Andy.

P.S: Nero? Sounds like the name of the main character of Devil May Cry 4, a game with a mediocre story and stereotypical characters.

Thanks for the reviews. Finally cooled off after rereading that one rule about reviewing. Sorry about getting mad and all (reason why I didn't do anything yesterday, other than no time).

This is just a preface. You'll find out things. Fourteen year old, fighting for some organization, possible, especially since this is fantasy. I know, I know, lots of things that looks like from a video game. At least this is better than a video game, since this is written. Oh, whatever.

Sorry if that sounded like ranting or anything rude.

A shock wave necessarily doesn't mean that you see the air more or something like that that is related to video game. I mean the ground ripping apart. Wanted a synonym, found one.

Thanks for the reviews.

I really enjoyed it. The beginning grasped me quickly, and the length really didn't matter, I jsut wanted to read it.

The coolest thing that I like about it was how you used some modern slang and small talk in fantasy. It made the enemy give a really laid back yet dangerous impression and puts a twist on fantasy.It also goves him personality.

The ending really shocked me, the fact that your main character has a longlost twin is really cool.

However, I would like to know more about the mian character: who is he? What does he look like and where is he from?

Other than that, I really enjoyed it, thanks for recommending me to read it!

Heya! Woah, I took far too long getting to this.

landmark, around here,

Nitch the first comma. Be sure to proofread--you'll get a lot more indepth reviews if you read aloud what you have written. This helps with comas, and any olg irregular word that you've thrown in there.

around here, I would have been happy.

split and the splitting continued at a huge speed. Straight at me.

So, the splitting stopped, first? As a thought, don't drag things on. Could this be better as simply: "splitting at a huge speed."

Grammar, I think, has been done to death. So: This was a vast improvement from last time! As I read even just the first paragraph, I was thinking, "Is this the same Master of Dragons?" But, as always, I have a few thoughts for you to consider and I agree with Squall--know your character!

1) The narrator. Far more relateable than last time, but there still the consistent length of cause-to-effect. I found that was really just what happens, but I still didn't know why any of it did. When he met the twin, did he feel... compelled? Scared? You've said he couldn't say anything, but that doesn't tell us why. All right, fair enough, he's supposed to be dead. But is he glad? Does he feel fear? He's on the other side, so, is he about to pop another bomb at him?

2) Realism. In a novel, in fiction, in fantasy, anything can be made realistic if you explain it. We want to know how and why, not when and where and what (although those are essential!). It's things like the 14 year old guy working in the army trying to kill people. Is he terrified, or riddled with guilt?

Hopefully, that helped. But anyway, great improvement and see you about! Let me know if you have any questions. So, yeah, carry on with this.

Best,
Mark

I think I got enough reviews to actually continue writing. Glad you guys didn't go to my chapter 1, part 1 because that's trash in many ways to what I have to do to continue the story. I'm about to almost start from new. Just going to shape it better with more description. If I told you what I had in store for what happens next, and how I want it to happen currently, you would probably bite my head off because it doesn't fit for many reasons.

Thanks for reviewing. Helped a lot. Oh, Squall, I actually played Devil May Cry 4 (Well, partially. My bro actually was the one who played it, while I touched it now and then), but I didn't take Nero from the game. Thought like this: "Hmm.... Neo... What sounds close to Neo?" Began playing around with letters. Got "Nero" afterwards. Same with "Leo," but when I was about to make "Lero" that sounded too wrong.

Thanks for all your reviews! I really, really got to start working.