Murderer's Advice

Did I hurt you friend?
and didn't say sorry at the end

Did I repent for my mistake?
did your life, I take?

Did I kill you friend?
did your life, I end?

Sorry for what I did to you
your family indeed misses you

Your wife is out of words
your children cry like caged birds

Your relatives are drained in tears
the hearts of your chums sunk with spears

and I am responsible for all this gloom
Yes! I paved the way to your doom

I killed you for petty gains
and I behaved selfishly, now it pains

Alas! you can't come back again
for you left this world, to never return again

My mistake, I can never reverse
and this act, I'll never rehearse

I took a life, punishment is mine
you were innocent, heaven is thine

For all i gave you was pain
I deluded myself, I was insane

Taking a life is a heinous crime
never support devil's regime

For gains and money or at your will
for fame, power never kill

At first you'll celebrate
but soon you'll cry over your fate

Your conscience will protest
everything will be manifest

You'll feel sorry for what you did
by putting someone's life on bid

Live in harmony, we all are brothers
The Creator hates murderers

________________________________________--

I send peace to all

Shoaib

I really liked the idea..it was a very complelling point of view. I'm not sure I like the two line couplets but there are other problems besides that. First of all, try not to use words like "thine" because they tend to make the writiting sound forced and it ruins the flow. Ths poem could greatly benefit from breaking up the rhyme pattern. It sounds a little juvinille. I don't mean to be picky, I rally did enjoy the poem a lot I just think it has some things that could make it better!!

infact i just adapted the poem so that it could be sung. you know, like a rhyme.

thanks for your correction. I'll keep it in mind next time i write.

I liked it...very powerful.
Here's some corrections I'd make though:



Did I hurt you friend?

and didn't say sorry at the end(?)



Did I repent for my mistake?

did your life, I take?



Did I kill you friend?

did your life, I end?



Sorry for what I did to you

your family indeed misses you



Your wife is out of words (Describe the wife more...she wouldn't just be 'out of words' if her husband was murdered)

your children cry like caged birds



Your relatives are drained in tears (How about either: 'drowned in tears' or 'drained of tears'. What you wrote makes little sense)

the hearts of your chums sunk with spears (Try: 'struck with spears' or something along those lines)



and I am responsible for all this gloom

Yes! I paved the way to your doom



I killed you for petty gains

and I behaved selfishly, now it pains



Alas! you can't come back again

for you left this world, to never return again



My mistake, I can never reverse

and this act, I'll never rehearse



I took a life, punishment is mine

you were innocent, heaven is thine



For all i gave you was pain (try lengthening this line; its shortness upsets the flow of the poem)

I deluded myself, I was insane



Taking a life is a heinous crime

never support devil's regime



For gains and money or at your will

for fame, power never kill



At first you'll celebrate

but soon you'll cry over your fate



Your conscience will protest

everything will be manifest



You'll feel sorry for what you did

by putting someone's life on bid



Live in harmony, we all are brothers

The Creator hates murderers
(although this last stanze doesn't really rhyme, I think it's powerful enough to easily slide by)



Other than those few points, I enjoyed it and felt what you were trying to express. Nice work! I will be looking forward to reading more from you in the future.


*anti-pop

Number one: you must have made the discrepancies in capitalization on purpose. Don't ever do that unless you just want it to look tacky... I'm sorry, but the couplet verse thing is also kind of cheesy. Good phrasing, though. I like the idea. It also screams for more punctuation... This poem has sooo much potential!!! I would love to read it when there is more of the above. Keep writing, no matter what!
Cheers!
--Vox

Your topic was original and interesting, and it was interesting to see your interpretation. I reckon if I ever tackled this subject I would probably write about how the murderer doesn't repent at all; but your version was much more heartwarming!

However, some of the rhyming and stanzas were a bit wierd, stuff you definately need to correct because it marrs the flow of the poem horribly. And I agree with whoever it was who said the rhyming couplets were cheesy. This is a serious topic; don't use that style of poetry to tackle it. Or, if you do, make it so the rhythm is right.

xxxx

Agreed, Raimunda. You have some interesting ideas but they need development. The one or two that are really pertinent to the piece need a lot more room. In fact, the whole poem needs a lot more room to breathe. Part of the problem is its shape. A good shape is essential to producing worthy poetry. While two-line rhyming couplets can be effective, and individual stanzas they are not, simply because each of them, on their own, isn't powerful enough to register in the reader's mind. For this particular subject, I would say at least allocate four or five lines to each stanza, or even write it out in a single twenty or thirty line stanza. It can easily be done.

To do this, start by getting rid of all the irrelevant stuff, all the clutter. Be absolutely ruthless! (The entire editing process is unproductive unless you can tear into your own masterpieces like a madman! It's fun, I know.) Then, of the decent material, cherry pick the images that stand out to you. Skimming through the poem, I might select, say:

"...your children cry like caged birds."

Justify your choice to yourself. For this one, I might say: "This is a very unusual and therefore powerful image, because the reader can easily identify with the claustrophobia that the cage portrays."

Now, focus on each of these select few phrases very carefully. Expand on it as much as you can. Use all of the senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing). Imagine those birds, screaming to get out. So you might have something like:

"I can imagine him crying like a caged bird,
his wings flapping with the insanity of a raving storm,
screaming into my eyes."

This ia a very crude example, but you can see where I'm going. Focus on a couple of images, expand on them and write everything down. Keep cutting and expanding, expanding and cutting, until eventually everything just 'fits.' Stop there.

In this way, you'll be cutting out the dead weight and creating a spare, tight style of poetry that grips us to our seats and leaves us gasping for more!

Good luck!

Gahks



P.S. Read some good poetry as well! I'm not saying don't try to copy someone else's style, but by understanding what works and what doesn't, you can learn from the greats and mesh their ideas into your own.

Terrific! Very good! The idea is one of the best. It makes us realize our mistakes and see the world like it really is. The rhyming went pretty well. I think you're very talented. I've never wanted to read so badly. I guess a good poem is a poem with a catchy idea and good rhyming. Well done.