Do You?

I don't write poems so I'm hoping this is decent. I tried to keep up the consistancy as well as I could. Go ahead and tear it apart.
-always
-------

I try to catch your eye
But you look away
I turn back around in my seat, hurt
And think back to all those good times

I remember the way you made me laugh,
Til I was clutching my hurting stomach
Do you?

I remember how much I confided in you
And can only remember bits you told me about yourself
Do you?

I remember the times that I told you about my bad day
And how you always told me everything would be alright
Do you?

I remember the time you asked if we were friends and my answer
“Yeah, I guess.”
Do you?

I remember when you asked to sign my yearbook
And exactly what you wrote in it two years later
Do you?

I remember the glances before second period and during lunch
And how we talked once that entire year
Do you?

I remember the last few weeks of last year, when everyone found out I liked one of your friends
And how I somehow knew it hurt you
Do you?

I remember how scared I was when I first messaged you
And how happy I was when you responded, sounding like the guy I know you can be
Did you know that?

I remember the recent glances as my friend and I go past you in the hall
And the time you blatantly ignored me
Do you care?

I wonder why you don’t just listen to your friends
And tell me off
Do you?

I ask myself why I keep tormenting myself over you,
This guy that has a heart he refuses to show
And the arrogance of an elephant
Do you?

Somewhere under all my emotions,
My heart still beats faster for you
Does yours?

I enjoyed it

I am a bit tired so I may not give the best advice and will look over this in the morning for a second read. I haven't read any poetry in over a month so don't take anything I say to seriously.


You somewhat ignored grammar throughout the poem. Poetry in said in a lot less words than any other form of writing for the most part. Books, stories, journals, etc. You have to say more with less, and since there are so few words for you to say what you want, grammar is more important than ever. When someone reads your poetry, they are going to truly pay attention to the grammar. It will tell the reader what is important, where to pause, what to think extra about. Don't ignore it. That being said, you should go back and edit in all the necessary grammar, as I am sure you know where everything goes.

The way the poem was a bit redundant. I understand you wanted the phrase "Do you?" hammered into the readers head which is awesome and very smart move on your part. You achieve with success and it works out. However, after you achieve what you wanted, you overdid it a bit and it was said a few times too many. It is like the word beautiful. You tell someone they are beautiful, it means a lot. Say it over and over again. And they will know what you mean, and will love it. You start saying over and over and over and ever, it loses it's value somewhat. I recommend cutting out a few stanzas and you are all good.

As for the "purpose" or "meaning" or "story" part of the poem, wonderful job. The poem has a great direction and meaning, and the ending is perfect as well. Overall the poem is very nice, strong, and well written. Just add that grammar, possibly even take out some stanzas and condense a few, and this is a great poem.



Keep writing poems, it was much more than decent.

Thanks Turntable Jack. I'm not good with grammar in poetry, which is why I rarely review here.

I agree with your thing about how it starts to sound a little redundant. I was afraid of that. I couldn't think of any other way to end the stanzas. When you're not so sleepy, would you mind telling me what stanzas I should cut out?

I'm off to read the poetry articles in the Knowledge Base because I don't have English til January and seriously need to learn about grammar in poetry, as you said, something I never quite got the hang of.

Anyway, thanks for the review!

-always

Well, at least you admitted upfront that this poem wasn't any good.

This was...a train wreck of cliches colliding with one another to infinity, sorry. I have heard this poem over and over and over again, just with different words, from hundreds of teenage writers all talking about the same thing. So you were friends, you "kinda sorta" loved him, and then you weren't friends. The end. There was nothing unique in the plotline and it felt like a rehash of a typical teenage-girl-fueled frenzy of sadness and self doubt, without any imagery or any poetic language in it whatsoever. If you are serious about this piece, it belongs in Short Stories or Other Writing, not poetry, on account of the fact that it sounds like a half-baked antilove note split into several stanzas and nothing else done to it.

Ideas aside, the presentation of this poem was also trite, because of all the predictable actions and events you described:

"I try to catch your eye but you look away" - Metaphor 101. What an obvious and uninteresting symbol of someone not wanting to talk to you. You practically spelled it out for us, and especially in the beginning of a poem, that's never good.

"Laughing until stomach hurts" - Yes, we get it, he was funny. From all of the bad teen friendship poems I've read so far, apparently this is the most important quality in a friend - the ability to crack a joke. It might not be such a bad idea had you not included that whole stomach line in it, which is woefully cliched to the point of not even sounding serious.

"Everything will be alright" - See above. Cliched ideas and description, and what's more, it sounds unrealistic. When you tell someone you have a bad day, do they just turn around and say "Oh, everything will be alright!"? You see what I mean?

I could go on but I think you get the point. This is a cliche-fest and if you really want to keep this poem them you need to do some extreme revision in the way of originality and something that catches the reader's attention rather than dull his senses as soon as he reads that same boring phrase again that he's so used to. You don't want people to paint a bad picture of your poem as soon as it starts, so if nothing else, make the ending strong. Include feelings - I certainly didn't catch any in this piece. Use the five senses, for they are the easiest phenomena for people to relate to and will give your story the life that it so desperately needs right now.

In addition, the writing style is painfully redundant. Hearing "I remember, I remember, I remember" is cute the first few times, but when it drags on and on, it becomes unbearable to read. There's only so much space you can gain with repetition; don't abuse it.

What exactly is the arrogance of an elephant? Elephants aren't arrogant; there's nothing literal nor symbolic historically to attach that meaning to them and it sounds random more than anything.

Anyway, hope that helped in some way. Sorry to be harsh, but you did give us permission, so there you go.

I liked it and understood what you were expressing to the audience, but it felt rather repetitive. I understand the meaning of the "Do you?" phrase, and I appreciate the way you used it in your poem.
However, poetry should be less words (a major aspect in poetry is that you don't have to write out full sentences and explain fully what you're trying to express). Fewer well-chosen words can give an even greater impression than full, simple sentences.
Also one thing that is bothering me:

I ask myself why I keep tormenting myself over you,
This guy that has a heart he refuses to show
And the arrogance of an elephant
Do you?

This is four lines whereas the rest are three.
I like this stanza, so I suggest finding a way to shorten it to three lines. Preferably taking out "And the arrogance of an elephant".
All in all, I liked this. Just take out a few redundant stanzas, and shorten the remaining with more 'grown-up' words.

I don't want to sound rude, I'm just helping out. This has potential, and it's easier to be a critic than a writer


*anti-pop

Thank you for your feedback. Now the reason I don't always tell exactly what is going on is that I don't want to tell a lot about it most of the time. I like to keep it simple sometimes and I like anyone to be able to relate. I like to give enough information but not more than that. I like to keep it kind of mysterious, not to mention, I do it like this so that everyone doesn't know that I talk about who it is I talk about in my poems. I know all stanzas aren't four lines but it's simple and for some odd reason, that seems to be the way a lot of my poems turn out. I look in the mirror and start talking and then I write it down and it becomes a poem. thank you.

-Bailey Holcomb

well I thought it was really good. The part about it being redundant i know you ment for it to be that way. Since it's not a rhyming poem, the "do you?" part , I think, Keeps it orderly.

I really enjoyed it and it really got through to my soul. And, while It is something you hear alot about, I think it just makes it better because it's something alot of people can relate to.

Extra props concidering I know you don't write alot of poetry. If you (or I for that matter) were more expierienced in the poem writing field I would probably say that you spelled it out to much. But, It's better that your blunt than to leave the reader not having any clue what your talking about you know?.

much <3
-KissKiss

well I thought it was really good. The part about it being redundant i know you ment for it to be that way. Since it's not a rhyming poem, the "do you?" part , I think, Keeps it orderly.

I really enjoyed it and it really got through to my soul. And, while It is something you hear alot about, I think it just makes it better because it's something alot of people can relate to.

Extra props concidering I know you don't write alot of poetry. If you (or I for that matter) were more expierienced in the poem writing field I would probably say that you spelled it out to much. But, It's better that your blunt than to leave the reader not having any clue what your talking about you know?.

much <3
-KissKiss

Galerius wrote:Well, at least you admitted upfront that this poem wasn't any good.

This was...a train wreck of cliches colliding with one another to infinity, sorry. I have heard this poem over and over and over again, just with different words, from hundreds of teenage writers all talking about the same thing. So you were friends, you "kinda sorta" loved him, and then you weren't friends. The end. There was nothing unique in the plotline and it felt like a rehash of a typical teenage-girl-fueled frenzy of sadness and self doubt, without any imagery or any poetic language in it whatsoever. If you are serious about this piece, it belongs in Short Stories or Other Writing, not poetry, on account of the fact that it sounds like a half-baked antilove note split into several stanzas and nothing else done to it.

Ideas aside, the presentation of this poem was also trite, because of all the predictable actions and events you described:

"I try to catch your eye but you look away" - Metaphor 101. What an obvious and uninteresting symbol of someone not wanting to talk to you. You practically spelled it out for us, and especially in the beginning of a poem, that's never good.

"Laughing until stomach hurts" - Yes, we get it, he was funny. From all of the bad teen friendship poems I've read so far, apparently this is the most important quality in a friend - the ability to crack a joke. It might not be such a bad idea had you not included that whole stomach line in it, which is woefully cliched to the point of not even sounding serious.

"Everything will be alright" - See above. Cliched ideas and description, and what's more, it sounds unrealistic. When you tell someone you have a bad day, do they just turn around and say "Oh, everything will be alright!"? You see what I mean?

I could go on but I think you get the point. This is a cliche-fest and if you really want to keep this poem them you need to do some extreme revision in the way of originality and something that catches the reader's attention rather than dull his senses as soon as he reads that same boring phrase again that he's so used to. You don't want people to paint a bad picture of your poem as soon as it starts, so if nothing else, make the ending strong. Include feelings - I certainly didn't catch any in this piece. Use the five senses, for they are the easiest phenomena for people to relate to and will give your story the life that it so desperately needs right now.

In addition, the writing style is painfully redundant. Hearing "I remember, I remember, I remember" is cute the first few times, but when it drags on and on, it becomes unbearable to read. There's only so much space you can gain with repetition; don't abuse it.

What exactly is the arrogance of an elephant? Elephants aren't arrogant; there's nothing literal nor symbolic historically to attach that meaning to them and it sounds random more than anything.

Anyway, hope that helped in some way. Sorry to be harsh, but you did give us permission, so there you go.

THAT is the reason I hate writing when others can read it.
I don't take criticism well.
Anywho.
Kat.
I liked it.
A lot.
Couldn't find anything wrong with it, I mean, it's POETRY.
YOUR FEELINGS.
So...
I see nothing to criticize.
Ten outta ten stars, girly.
=DD

I think everyone has been so harsh, love
I liked this poem muchly, yeah ok it was about 'typical teen stuff' but in all fairness don't they say 'write what you know'?
Writing about fantasy lands and magical utopias is not as realisitc as this raw, true emotion that everyone has known. I know she asked for criticism but you guys are HARSH, it is what it is and it's well done

'I remember' is good-use of repetition and sounds to be like a stream of consciousness
I liked it, even if others didn't
good work, keep it going!
S
xxx

i think it needed more of a rhythm towards the middle, but other than that was enjoyable.