Murder at Hampton's ~ One

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Thanks, guys for the reviews on the prologue. If you haven't read that part, I advise you should. It gives an insight about the story.

This chapter is revised.

December 19th 2008

The Friday morning light pierced through the white blinds as the tune to my cell phone went off. “Nnn. I don't wanna get up.” Moaning as I turned to my right, I silenced my phone. Placing, not throwing, my cell on the nightstand, I lifted up my arms as I stretched for the new day.
“Hmm.” As I sighed out loud, I knew today would be like any other day. But then I remembered today is Friday. I smiled to myself, knowing this is last day of school before Christmas Break.
Hopping off my bed and putting on my green fuzzy slippers, I walked out of my room and into the hallway. As I closed the door, I saw my younger sister, Nixie coming out of the bathroom.
“'Morning, Nixie.” I said, smiling happily.
She stopped in her tracks and looked at me with her what's-with-you looks, “Uh, morning, Kate.”
Shifting the conversation, I said, “Man, I am like so happy.”
Nixie raised one of her arms and placed it on her hip, “Why?” Her dark eyebrows were crunched together like I was bothering her.
“'Cause today's the last day of school and we get two weeks of vacation. Va-ca-tion, Nixie.” I pronounced the word vacation slowly for her to hear me correctly.
She must have saw me raise my eyebrows together, because she said, “You are such a nerd, Kate. Who gets excited over things like that?” I knew it was a rhetorical question but I was going to answer anyway.
“I do.” I answered in a short and simple way.
Rolling her blue eyes for who knows how many times, Nixie glanced at me one more time and walked off. “Whatever, Kate.”
“Hey!” I called out, but apparently she didn't hear me, because she was already downstairs.
After going in and using the bathroom I walked back into my room. I clutched the gray, radio remote in my hands, and pushed the POWER button on.
Hearing the tune to the song, I felt rejuvenated and content. These were the times that I felt peaceful in the morning.
“Hey, I love this song!” I said in a thrilled voice. It was one of my favorite hit songs on the radio at the moment. This song is like the best one out there, in my opinion.
The song came to an end and I went to grab my clothes for the day.
“Goooood Morning Lexington! Don't turn this station. 'Cause we'll be right back with more hit music from America's Top 20.”
“Cool.” I said, satisfied with the next songs. I had just seen the recent artist who played at a concert about two weeks ago at some venue in the other city. It was one of my favorite concerts I've ever been to and it was so much fun. It's only a matter of time before I can go to more concerts down the road.
As the commercials played, I slipped on my gray skinny jeans and a green tee. I grabbed my jean jacket and paced out the door while flipping off the radio.
Grabbing my brush in the bathroom, I gently stroked my red hair. Having dyed my hair since the fifth grade, I still remembered the ugly color of dirty blond as my natural undertone. I've dyed it bleach blond over one summer and hated it. Never gonna do that again. Also done different shades of brown, which I actually liked. And I've done red/purple color, which I also liked. I'll never do black, because it won't match my skin tone and plus, Nixie says it would look hideous on me and I do have to agree with her.
After brushing the hair, I brushed my teeth and headed downstairs.
“Yeah, me and Skylar are going to a party tonight. Oh, and he's driving me to the coffee shop after school, so Kate wouldn't have to do it. Is that cool, mom?”
“I guess so. Are you sure Skylar's parents are going to be there?”
“I wouldn't believe her, mom. Wanna bet his parents are going to be out and someone would eventually bring alcohol.” I spoke with assurance. Everyone at school knew about Skylar's party hitting this weekend.
“What?!” Her eyes widened so much that you think they would burst out of their sockets. “Nixie you are not going to that party.” Mom said in a sharp tone. Whenever she got angry or upset, well it wasn't pretty.
“But, mom. Everyone at school is going. I have to go.” Nixie whined.
“No, Nixie. If his parents are planning to chaperon then it's okay. If not, well I'll have to call Mr. And Mrs. Adams.”
“Oh, yes. Yes. Call them, they'll be there.”
“Uh, mom aren't you forgetting the drinks?” I wasn't trying to be a tattle-teller, but I worried about Nixie.
“Oh, yes. Thanks for reminding me, Kate. Maybe I'll have to stop by and see for myself.” We both smiled, while Nixie's mouth dropped open.
“What? You can't come.” She said. I knew Nixie worried about being popular at school without having parents behind her, always watching her every move.
“Why not?”
“'Cause. 'Cause-”
“Forget it, Nixie. Go get dressed or you'll be late for school.” As mom told her.
Nixie took a deep breath and said, “Fine, mom. Whatever you say.” With that, we both watched Nixie stomp off to her room to go get dressed for the day.
After we heard the door slam, we looked back at each other and started laughing.
“Nixie can be so difficult at times.” Mom mentioned to me.
“I know. Maybe it's her rebelling.” The laughter died down as I also said, “Oh, mom. Am I still helping you clean the attic this afternoon?”
“Uh-huh. I still don't trust Nixie going to the party with that Skylar boy.”
I smiled, as I understood what she meant. There was something about Skylar Adams that my parents, me and my friends didn't like. For me, I couldn't pin-point why.
One of my friends, Cece thought he was some type of bad boy. My other friend, Andy thought he gave the meaning of a “guy” a bad reputation. I mean, Skylar's only fifteen and being a freshmen, he sure has high ranks in the popularity scene.
“Cool. Well I gotta go and see if Nixie is ready to go.” As I pointed my thumb to the back of me, facing the stairs.
“Okay, make sure you two eat something. I don't want another word from you two saying you're fat.” Mom had placed both of her arms on her waist as she looked at me straight in the eye.
Rolling my hazel eyes I spoke, “Yeah, yeah. We'll eat, okay?”
“That's fine.” She let go of her hands from her waist and placed her elbows on the counter top of the island in the kitchen. The kitchen is and still is my mom's favorite place in the house. When we moved in here a few years back, she almost fell over at the sight of our new kitchen. Everything in this section of the house is modern, even the fridge and freezer is a Whirlpool.
About a few months of moving, dad started decorating the kitchen in different antique tins and such. Things like old popcorn, coffee, sugar, etc. tins. He would place them onto of the selves easy enough for people to see.
Turning away from mom, I paced over to the stairs. I felt the fuzzy olive green carpet under my toes as I called out for Nixie, “Nixie!”
“I'm right here.” She came out of the bathroom wearing a jean mini skirt with black leggings and some '80's looking shirt. The ones with the side shirt with the white strap.
“Is today some spirit '80's day, 'cause you're going to freeze, Nix?”
She came down the stairs, with her saying, “Nope. I just felt like wearing this today. Like you said, Kate. Today's the last day of school. And plus, I won't freeze.” Her change of mood was scaring me. I moved out of the way as we both grabbed out shoulder bags.
Mine was a blue bag with band names and Nix's was some pink, hideous one.
“Bye, mom!” I called out as I slipped on my green converse shoes. For Nixie, she as wearing her favorite black flats with a red ribbon on top.
“Yeah, bye mom.” Nixie also said.
“Bye girls.” Mom said as she walked over to us. “Nixie are you planning to wear that?”
“Ugh, mom. I have to go. It's 7:45 and school starts at 8:05.”
I wrapped my right hand around the door knob and opened. Feeling the rush of cold, December air, I turned back. “Hey, Nixie could you hand me my scarf and gloves.”
Grabbing my things I also said, “You might wanna bring yours too.”
“'Kay.” Walking out into the front porch, I waved goodbye to mom.
“Have a nice day, girls!” She called out as Nixie shut the front door.
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:27 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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“Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down”


Merry! >.< You just got that song into my head, and I can't stop hearing it now, ringing in my ears. :lol:

Waking up to the chorus of Katy Perry's Hot N Cold everyday, had a great effect on me. But today, I just didn't want to get up.

No need for a comma after 'every day'. Oh yeah- every day is 2 words.

I rolled my tired body to the right and clicked my phone off, that was on my nightstand.

Semi-colon instead of a comma after 'of'

“Huh.” As I sighed out loud, I knew today would be like any other day. But then again, today's Friday.

Hm. Bit clunky. Maybe to avoid repetition, "But then again, it was Friday today."

I smiled to myself knowing that today was the day.

Comma after 'myself.'

“Yes!” I rolled by hazel eyes as I spoke through a loud whisper.

"my' instead of 'by'.

“'Morning Nellie.” I said as I smiled happily.

Rephrase: ,"I said, smiling happily."

She must of saw me raise my eyebrows together, 'cause she said, “You are such a nerd, Kat. Who gets excited over things like that?”

'have,' instead of 'of'. Oh, and I like the thought of eyebrows crunching.

Having the gray remote in my hands, I pushed the POWER button on.

Having is the wrong word. Maybe, "Clutching the gray remote."

“Cool.” I said, being satisfied with the next songs.

Cut the 'being'.

I had just saw Fall Out Boy and Boys Like Girls at a concert about two weeks ago at some venue in the other city.

"I had just seen," - not, "[s]I had just saw.[/s]"

It was one of my most favorite concerts I've ever been too and it was so much fun.

"To", not [s]too[/s]

It's only a matter of time before I go to more concerts down the road.

Should be in past tense.

“Yeah, me and Skylar are going to a party tonight. Oh, and he's driving me to the coffee shop after school, so Kat wouldn't have to do it. Is that cool, mom?”

I adore the name Skylar. Completely irrelevant, but I haven't seen it in a story for ages so wanted to point it out. ^_^

So; I really liked the switch between historical and modern. This is a tricky transition which doesn't always carry itself off - but you did it very smoothly. I'm already starting to see similarities between characters. ^_^ Post more!
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Oh and by the way - length was absolutely fine.
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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CastlesInTheSky-
I don't know why, but your reviews always seem to make me smile. And of course, laugh!

You'll just have to see about the connections. :wink: Oh, thanks, about the transition. I didn't know how it would turn out. So I'm glad it went smoothly.

I will post more either tomorrow or Saturday.

Thanks, again, Sarah!

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Haha :lol: At least someone finds me mildly amusing.
Seriously though. "Hot and Cold" is still on permanent replay in my head.
Why, Merry? Why put me through this?
Ha; just kidding.
D'oh! Leaving me dangling, eh? I am so interested about the connections, I can see there's going to be a kind of parallel thing going on. But you need to tell me! In confidence. *shifty eyes*
:wink:
-Sarah
xxx
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Thanks, guys for the reviews on the prologue. If you haven't read that part, I advise you should. It gives an insight about the story. No problem, t'was amazing ;)


In my opinion, this part might be a little too long. So harsh reviews are welcomed. The more criticism I can get, the better. [b]Na, I don't think it's too long either Sarah :lol:


Enough with my ramblings. On to chapter one...

[/b]


December 19th 2008


“Cause you're hot then you're cold

You're yes then you're no

You're in then you're out

You're up then you're down”

“Nnn. I don't wanna get up.”

“You're wrong when it's right

It's black and it's white

We fight we break up

We kiss we make up”
Hahah I like that song, it does get stuck in your head doesn't it ? :lol:
Waking up to the chorus of Katy Perry's Hot N Cold everyday, had a great effect on me. But today, I just didn't want to get up.

I rolled my tired body to the right and clicked my phone off, that was on my nightstand. “Huh.” As I sighed out loud, I knew today would be like any other day. But then again, today's Friday. I smiled to myself knowing that today was the day. The last day of school before Christmas Break.

“Yes!” I rolled by hazel eyes as I spoke through a loud whisper. “This is so my day.”

Lifting myself up to a sitting position on my green bed, I reconsidered what I just did. Dude, I did not just speak to myself. My god. I just did. Oh, well. Shrugging at my lame thoughts, I hopped off my bed and into my black fuzzy slippers.

Humming to the tune of my cell's ring tone, I walked out of my room and into the hallway. Closing the white bedroom door, I saw my younger sister, Nellie coming out of the bathroom.I love your choice of names, I'm probably biased when it comes to Nellie because I love wuthering Heights so much, but it's a really nice name :lol:

“'Morning Nellie.” I said as I smiled happily.

She stopped in her tracks and looked at me with her what's-with-you looks, “Uh, morning Kat.”

Shifting the conversation, I said, “Man, I am like so happy.”

Nellie raised one of her arms and placed it on her hip, “Why?” Her dark eyebrows were crunched together like I was bothering her.

“'Cause today's the last day of school and we get two weeks of vacation. Va-ca-tion, Nellie.” I pronounced the word vacation slowly for her to hear me correctly.

She must of saw me raise my eyebrows together, 'cause she said, “You are such a nerd, Kat. Who gets excited over things like that?” I knew it was a rhetorical question but I was going to answer anyway.

“I do.” I answered in a short and simple way. So do I :lol: I get hysterically excited :lol:

Rolling her blue eyes for who knows how many times, Nellie glanced at me one more time and walked off. “Whatever, Kat.”

“Hey!” I called out, but apparently she didn't hear me, because she was already downstairs.

After going in and using the bathroom I walked back into my room. The first thing I do every time I get dressed is put on the radio. Having the gray remote in my hands, I pushed the POWER button on.

I don't care what you think,

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

“Hey, I love this song!” I said in a high perky voice. It was one of my favorite hit songs on the radio at the moment. Fall Out Boy's I Don't Care song is like the best song out there, in my opinion.

Placing down the remote on my black bookcase, which is where my radio is on, I took a few steps over to my green dresser.

“Goooood Morning Lexington! That was just the new hit song by Fall Out Boy called I Don't Care. Next up we have Boys Like Girls' Thunder, Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You and Chris Brown's Forever. Don't turn the station. 'Cause we'll be right back with more hit music from America's Top 20.”

“Cool.” I said, being satisfied with the next songs. I had just saw Fall Out Boy and Boys Like Girls at a concert about two weeks ago at some venue in the other city. It was one of my most favorite concerts I've ever been too and it was so much fun. It's only a matter of time before I go to more concerts down the road.

As the commercials played, I grabbed my gray skinny jeans out of the dresser and placed them on my bed. Turning to my closet, I moved the sliding door and pulled out one of my favorites. It was a green tee with some saying on it and a forest green jacket to go over.

Pulling off my gray sweats, I slipped the jeans on. After putting my top on, I paced out the door with flipping off the radio.

Grabbing my brush in the bathroom, I gently stroked my red hair. Having dyed my hair since the fifth grade, I still remembered the ugly color of dirty blond as my natural undertone. I've dyed it bleach blond over one summer and hated it. Never gonna do that again. Also done different shades of brown, which I actually liked. And I've done red/purple color, which I also liked. I'll never do black, because it won't match my skin tone and plus, Nellie says it would look hideous on me and I do have to agree with her.

After brushing the hair, I brushed my teeth and headed downstairs.

“Yeah, me and Skylar are going to a party tonight. Oh, and he's driving me to the coffee shop after school, so Kat wouldn't have to do it. Is that cool, mom?”

“I guess so. Are you sure Skylar's parents are going to be there?”

“I wouldn't believe her mom. Wanna bet his parents are going to be out and someone would eventually bring alcohol.” I spoke with assurance. Everyone at school knew about Skylar's party hitting this weekend.

“What?!” Her eyes widened so much that you think they would burst out of their sockets. “Nellie you are not going to that party.” Mom said in a sharp tone. Whenever she got angry or upset, well it wasn't pretty.

“But, mom. Everyone at school is going. I have to go.” Nellie whined.

“No, Nellie. If his parents are planning to chaperon then it's okay. If not, well I'll have to call Mr. And Mrs. Adams.”

“Oh, yes. Yes. Call them, they'll be there.”

“Uh, mom aren't you forgetting the drinks?” I wasn't trying to be a tattle-teller, but I worried about Nellie.

“Oh, yes. Thanks for reminding me, Kat. Maybe I'll have to stop by and see for myself.” We both smiled, while Nellie's mouth dropped open. :lol: haha I can just imagine that :lol:

“What? You can't come.” She said. I knew Nellie worried about being popular at school without having parents behind her, always watching her every move.

“Why not?”

“'Cause. 'Cause-”

“Forget it, Nellie. Go get dressed or you'll be late for school.” As mom told her.

Nellie took a deep breath and said, “Fine, mom. Whatever you say.” With that, we both watched Nellie stomp off to her room to go get dressed for the day.

After we heard the door slam, we looked back at each other and started laughing.

“Nellie can be so difficult at times.” Mom mentioned to me.

“I know. Maybe it's her rebelling.” The laughter died down as I also said, “Oh, mom. After school I'm going to the coffee shop with Cece and Andy. Is that fine?”

“You don't have to ask, Kat. I'm fine with you guys going, it's just that I don't trust that Skylar boy.”

I smiled, as I understood what she meant. There was something about Skylar Adams that my parents, me and my friends didn't like. For me, I couldn't pin-point why. Cece thought he was some type of bad boy. Andy thought he gave the meaning of a “guy” a bad reputation. I mean, Skylar's only fifteen and being a freshmen, he sure has high ranks in the popularity scene.

“Cool. Well I gotta go and see if Nellie is ready to go.” As I pointed my thumb to the back of me, facing the stairs.

“Okay, make sure you two eat something. I don't want another word from you two saying you're fat.” Mom had placed both of her arms on her waist as she looked at me straight in the eye.

Rolling my hazel eyes I spoke, “Yeah, yeah. We'll eat, okay?”

“That's fine.” She let go of her hands from her waist and placed her elbows on the counter top of the island in the kitchen. The kitchen is and still is my mom's favorite place in the house. When we moved in here a few years back, she almost fell over at the sight of our new kitchen. Everything in this section of the house is modern, even the fridge and freezer is a Whirlpool.

About a few months of moving, dad started decorating the kitchen in different antique tins and such. Things like old popcorn, coffee, sugar, etc. tins. He would place them onto of the selves easy enough for people to see.

Turning away from mom, I semi-hiked over to the stairs. I felt the fuzzy olive green carpet under my toes as I called out for Nellie, “Nellie!”

“I'm right here.” She came out of the bathroom wearing a jean mini skirt with black leggings and some '80's looking shirt. The ones with the side shirt with the white strap.

“Is today some spirit '80's day, 'cause you're going to freeze, Nell?”

She came down the stairs, with her saying, “Nope. I just felt like wearing this today. Like you said, Kat. Today's the last day of school. And plus, I won't freeze.” Her change of mood was scaring me. I moved out of the way as we both grabbed out shoulder bags.

Mine was a blue bag with band names and Nell's was some pink, hideous one.

“Bye, mom!” I called out as I slipped on my green converse shoes. For Nellie, she as wearing her favorite black flats with a red ribbon on top.

“Yeah, bye mom.” Nellie also said.

“Bye girls.” Mom said as she walked over to us. “Nellie are you planning to wear that?”

“Ugh, mom. I have to go. It's 7:45 and school starts at 8:05.”

I wrapped my right hand around the door knob and opened. Feeling the rush of cold, December air, I turned back. “Hey, Nellie could you hand me my scarf and gloves.”

Grabbing my things I also said, “You might wanna bring yours too.”

“'Kay.” Walking out into the front porch, I waved goodbye to mom.

“Have a nice day, girls!” She called out as Nellie shut the front door.

I really like this chapter, you've got a great contrast to the last chapter. Is this set in like a parallel world with the same characters in a different time zone? (sorry that sounds kinda stupid, I hope you get what I mean!) I think it flows really nicely and I like Nellie, not just her name, although I do love it. I also really like your references to songs, haha I love the songs you've mentioned :lol: Is the next chapter set in the same time as the prologue or this? Sorry I'm rather inquisitive :lol: I can't wait for the next chapter. Bye, Kirsten xxx
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Lost_in_dreamland-
Thanks, Kristen for the review! It's greatly appreciated. :D

You know I had no idea that Nellie was from Wuthering Heights. My bad. :(

Well, you're just gonna have to see about the whole time world thing going on. :wink: I'm glad you liked this chapter. I'll post the next chapter within the hour.

Thank you again!

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Hahah yes it is, but in Wuthering Heights it's spelt Nelly and in your story it's spelt Nellie
-Kirsten x
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I rolled my tired body to the right and clicked my phone off; that was on my nightstand.


No need for a semicolon after "off"

“Huh.” As I sighed out loud, I knew today would be like any other day.


"Huh" sounds more like a question than a sigh. Try something like "Hmm" or "Ahh", you know?

But then again, Friday's today.


Awkward. Maybe try: But then again, today was Friday.

As I sighed out loud, I knew today would be like any other day. But then again, Friday's today. I smiled to myself, knowing that today was the day. The last day of school before Christmas Break.


You use "day" way too often in such little proximity. Try to vary your sentences here, or connect a few, like so: As I sighed out loud, I knew that today would be like any other day. But then, I remembered that it was Friday, and I smiled to myself. Christmas Break started tomorrow. See the difference? You don't have to do it like I did but it might help you with vary the structure :wink:

“Yes!” I rolled my hazel eyes as I spoke through a loud whisper. “This is so my day.”
Lifting myself up to a sitting position on my green bed, I reconsidered what I just did. Dude, I did not just speak to myself. My god. I just did. Oh, well. Shrugging at my lame thoughts, I hopped off my bed and into my black fuzzy slippers.


When I first read this, I was going to suggest that you change it, but the more I read, the more I like it. It sounds like something any normal person would do. I talk out loud to myself all the time... at least, I assumed every one did that :? lol So yeah, I wouldn't change this. Maybe put her thoughts in italics, but that's it.

“'Morning Nellie.” I said, smiling happily.


Comma after "Morning"

“Uh, morning Kat.”


Comma after "morning"

I said in a high perky voice.


I don't like the use of "perky" here. I would use something different, like "excited".

It was one of my most favorite concerts I've ever been to and it was so much fun.


I wouldn't say "most favorite". Just saying "favorite" is fine.

After putting my top on, I paced out the door with flipping off the radio.


I would say "while" instead of "with"

I wouldn't believe her mom.


Comma after "her"

Turning away from mom, I semi-hiked over to the stairs.


"Semi-hiked"? What does that mean? I would go into more detail here :wink:

~ ~ ~

When I first started reading this, I thought that maybe I had clicked on the wrong story. The first thing that popped into my head was "They didn't have Katy Perry back then!" lol :lol:

Well, anyway, after I caught on, I found this to be really realistic. Normal teenage girls and an average, overprotective mom. Everything seemed to be in order :wink: My only suggestion would be to make sure you don't over tell things. I know that sounds odd, but I'm just starting to learn this myself. You don't have to explain every little detail of their movements to us. Just the necessities will get us by. Your main concern should be description.

Hopefully this review made sense, cause I wrote it really fast :?

Keep Writing, Merry!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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ashleylee-
Haha. :lol: No, this is definitely in the present.

I also wanted the MC to sound more human like then in a one-dimension way. So that's why I added her talking to herself. 'Cause, doesn't like everyone do that when they're not noticing?

That's funny, 'cause my younger sister tells me not to over tell things all the time. I'll have to revise those parts.

Descriptions, got that. I'll probably edit later today, though.

Thanks for the review.

-Merry
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Hello again!

Looks like all the grammatical errors have been taken care of, but yeah, when you're writing a story like this, make sure you alleviate the reader from too much telling. We're supposed to see through the MC's eyes and not be told about her life as if we're standing on the sidelines, you know?

Other than that, I like how you contrast everything and I really can't wait to see how you tie the worlds together. Just work on making this chapter more concrete and loosen up on the telling and you'll be fine.

You have a good choice in music, I liked all of those songs except for Katy Perry's but I can live with it. Kat sorta reminds me of Haylee Williams (or I think that's her name) from Paramore, the whole red hair and rocker look gave me that impression.

All in all, good job, off to the next chapter.

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Angel of Death-
Um, Angel. I haven't edited this chapter, yet. But I'm glad you liked it.

God, no. I hate Paramore. But, I couldn't think of who else to put in for Katy Perry. Maybe the Metro Station?

You're just gonna have to see about the connections of the past and present. :wink:

-Merry
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She stopped in her tracks and looked at me with her whats-with-you looks


A comma after with her would make a huge difference. And I'd drop the s on looks.

"Man, I am like so happy."


I'm not sure if its supposed to be without a comma, but you should add one betwen like and so.

I pronounced the word vacation for her.....


I dunno 'bout 'choo, I'd drop the vacation. Maybe, the heavenly word? Awesome word? I don't know. I know that I don't like vacation there, though.

I knew it was a rhetorical question but I was going to answer...


Comma alert!! Insert after but!!! No buts about it!!

I clutched the gray, radio remote...


I never thought I'd say this but, I like it without the comma! (Buh, buh, BUHHHHH!!!)

...and pushed the power button on


We know your pressing it. Throw 'on' out!

"Wanna bet his parents going to be out and someone will bring alcohol?"


Bold and italics are what I would do. It'll be so much better.

Well. I LOOOOOOVE it. Those were just some nit picks and I don't feel like doing any more.

Keep it up!

-Aubree
Don't tell anyone, but nobody likes you. Shhh!



'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11