Fall Of Man

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Points 300

Reviews 0

Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:36 pm

ZombieOverlord says... · Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:36 pm

Sewers run red with blood.
Un-speakable evil’s walk the street.
In search of fresh meat.
Coated from head to toe in dry mud.
Escaping there graves in the dead of night.
Soul-less eyes and missing limbs.
Always on the hunt for there next victims.
Filling children’s dreams with fright.
Hungry eyes staring out of the shadows.
At a world they do not belong in.
Blood trickling down there chin.
Near by sit ever watchful crows.
Waiting for the carnage to begin
And the zombies to win.

When theres no more room in hell. The dead will walk the earth.

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Galerius

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Points 33318

Reviews 382

Fri Nov 28, 2008 6:00 am

Galerius says... · Fri Nov 28, 2008 6:00 am

ZombieOverlord wrote:Sewers run red with blood.
Un-speakable evil’s walk the street.
In search of fresh meat.

Right now, this is playing out like a bad Resident Evil game. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish by subjecting these lines to the most cliched sayings of all time - "Run red with blood", "unspeakable evil", "fresh meat" - but it sounds unconvincing. Utterly unconvincing.

Coated from head to toe in dry mud.
Escaping there graves in the dead of night.
Soul-less eyes and missing limbs.
Always on the hunt for there next victims.
Filling children’s dreams with fright.
Hungry eyes staring out of the shadows.

This might have been a decent section except for the fact that it's vague, stagnant, and seems to be devoid of all lyrical language. The only good line I found here was the "soulless eyes and missing limbs" one, because that projected an image into my mind. The rest sounded like a collection of filler words thrown in for good measure just to make the poem larger. Okay, so the undead kill people. Is that it? You spent this many lines showing us something this inconsequential? At least put in some sort of message here instead of textbook description.

At a world they do not belong in.
Blood trickling down there chin.
Near by sit ever watchful crows.
Waiting for the carnage to begin
And the zombies to win.

What? What just happened? You didn't let us know about anything, literally anything except for a hint that there's a massacre going on by zombies upon humans. Apart from how cliched this subject is to the point of comedy, you didn't expand upon it at all. I highly advise you to include some lines about why they are here in the first place and most importantly, what's going on. The setting is incomplete and you need to fill in the holes in order for the reader even to take this seriously.

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Margaret Louise

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Points 1335

Reviews 22

Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:03 am

Margaret Louise says... · Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:03 am

Hmm. Great imagery. But I didn't know what you were getting at here. I didn't know what you wanted to say. A zombie massacre? It's unclear.

But one thing is certain: GRAMMAR AND SPELLING! You're a writer, it's time to learn it! It makes a world of difference and it really is one of the most basic rules of writing. Without proper grammar, form, spelling, and word choice, even Shakespeare would be rubbish. Seriously. SO:

Sewers run red with blood.
Unspeakable evils walk the street
In search of fresh meat.
Coated from head to toe in dry mud.
Escaping there graves in the dead of night.
Soul-less eyes and missing limbs. These are fragments!
Always on the hunt for there next victims.
Filling children’s dreams with fright.
Hungry eyes staring out of the shadows.
At a world they do not belong in. So are these! Make full sentences!
Blood trickling down there chin.
Nearby sit ever-watchful crows,
Waiting for the carnage to begin
And the zombies to win.

You've got great imagery! Now you need a story, a message, a FOCUS to your poem. It can't be all pictures

With work, this could get a lot better. Hope I've helped.

There is so much said in the silence. But writing, for me, became a way of fighting the repression, of protecting no one, of saying everything. I began to write to save my own life.

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LilyJamey

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Points 1475

Reviews 58

Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:20 am

LilyJamey says... · Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:20 am

I agree, it's almost completely imagery. It's good in that sense. More substance would be nice, though.. More meaning and content.

Got YWS?

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Juniper

Gender

Points 15394

Reviews 1464

Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:55 pm

Juniper says... · Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:55 pm

ZombieOverlord wrote:

(Hey there! I just stumbled upon your poem and thought Ishould review/critique it)

Sewers run red with blood.
Un-speakable evil’s walk the street. (No hyphenating 'unspeakable'; no apostrophe in evil; no punctuation on the end of the line.)
In search of fresh meat.
Coated from head to toe in dry mud.
Escaping there (their) graves in the dead of night.
Soul-less (one word) eyes and missing limbs.
Always on the hunt for there (their) next victims.
Filling children’s dreams with fright.
Hungry eyes staring out of the shadows.
At a world they do not belong in.
Blood trickling down there (their) chin.
Near by sit ever watchful crows.
Waiting for the carnage to begin
And the zombies to win.

(It's a bit confusing how you have some lines here; I'm not so sure how or why "Coated fron head to toe in dry mud" fits, but to me it's a little too long, and too bulky for the poem. You did very well with the imagery, congrats on that, but you just need to watch your spelling and create a little more substance to this. You've created the feeling already; now you just need to give us the action and the story of it. Good job though, keep it up. )

June

"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter

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