My pathetic love story Chap. 2

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CHAPTER 2:

I began walking down the side walk, not caring where I went or when I`d be there. Jenny was so stupid, so blonde, so skinny, so pretty, so popular, so everything-I`ll-never-be. Everything I don`t want to be.
“Jane, look I’m sorry, Okay?”
“For what Zac? For what?”
“For-,” He stopped and grabbed my arm. “I`m sorry I don`t stand up to your sister.”
I wormed free of his grasp.
“It’s not my loss; you’re just another part of her cute little pose. I could care less.”
“Jane, stop. Just stop.”
I stopped walking, allowing him to catch up.
“Look, I hate Jenny.” He said, using his puppy-dog eyes to turn me into a spineless, stupid, little – I couldn’t stand it any longer, I dropped my gaze.
We stood their- who knows how long?
“Zac…” I whispered, “Why? If you hate her, why don’t you just dump her?”
He abruptly changed the subject.
“You look cold. Here-“He took off his football jacket, shivering in the January cold. He draped it around my shoulders, and then put his arm around my neck, in an attempt to keep me warm.
I pushed him off. “You really don’t get it, do you?” I squeaked out, the words catching in my throat.
He looked at my in surprise, oblivious to the fact I was keeping tears from breaching my eyes.
“Get what?”
I looked up, at the snow capped trees, the barren playground, the short fence separating me from the forest.
“Zac, look, you and Jenny are a cliché couple. Deal.”
He grabbed my arm once again.
“ You know, I think I just realized why you have no friends.”
For the second time that day, I wanted to punch someone. Once again it was Jenny, For poisoning Zac`s poor little mind.
“Don`t waste my time, Zac. I don’t have a boyfriend because I am blunt honest with everyone, even myself. I always have been, and always will be. Now I`m going to be blunt honest with you, like I have with everyone else.”
He smiled. “Cut me into little pieces.”
“Alright then,” I spoke out loud, my voice soft and cutesy. “ Zac, you are the sweetest, awesome-est,” I stopped, looked deep into his eyes, then continued, my voice hardening with every letter “ blindest boy I have ever met. Zac, Jenny`s shallow-ness is consuming you. Dump her if you don`t want to be like her!”
Zac grabbed both my arms and held me a hair length away for his face.
“Do you care about anything?”
The little voice inside my head was screaming me down. Yes! It was saying, Yess! I Care about you, Zac!!! I care! I really do!
“Hmmm……Nope. Not really.”
“Jane, listen, I`m going to dump your sister. But its not like I can go up to her and say “Were over”.
“Why are you telling me? Its almost like you think I care!”
“Stop it” He said, pulling me closer.
I blinked.
“Jenny’s close isn’t she?”
Zac smiled. So close to me.
“You always were the smart one, you know that?”
“This is your plan? Use me, and then throw me out?”
“I could never throw you out.”
“And if I refuse?”
He leaned closer, and whispered in my ear.
“You wouldn’t”
He came close to my lips, and kissed me.
“Jane?” I heard Jenny`s annoying
Oh Crap. I thought, as Zac`s lips were still on mine.

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Ohhhhhhh snap!

This is very well written for something done under pressure. Did you win the speed writing contest? Zac is so stupid and wouldn't get either girl.

There are a few minor errors, but I'm sure you could have fixed them if it wasn't under pressure. I love the story. Zac kind of surprised me at the end where they made out.

At first, when I started reading this.. I thought, "Just another Mary-Sue". But, reading further, Zac has his faults. It gives him depth.

I like the story-line too. How Jane and Jenny are constantly battling even though they are sisters. No, twin sisters. My only advice is to keep writing.

Hey there Icefire63111.

I began walking down the side walk, not caring where I went or when I`d be there.

Why was the narrator not caring? Be more specific.

Jenny was so stupid, so blonde, so skinny, so pretty, so popular, so everything-I`ll-never-be. Everything I don`t want to be.

Quite a generalisation eh? So what's wrong with being the above things?

I wormed free of his grasp.

"Wormed" doesn't seem right. 1) It's too gentle and 2) I associate that word more with worms than with humans, it just seems so sterile. Why not say "I broke free of his graps"?

Look, I hate Jenny.” He said, using his puppy-dog eyes to turn me into a spineless, stupid, little – I couldn’t stand it any longer, I dropped my gaze.

Puppy-dog eyes is cliche. Don't use overused expressions in writing as they bring zero insight in your writing. Instead, find some other way to express that.

I looked up, at the snow capped trees, the barren playground, the short fence separating me from the forest.

This description here seems randomly inserted into the piece.

“Zac, look, you and Jenny are a cliché couple. Deal.”

What is a cliche couple? Do such relationships exist?

Overall impressions:

The first thing that I've noticed is your use of generalisations. It makes your writing seem childish and immature and as a result, experienced readers will not take your work seriously. Generalisations must be eliminated from writing at all cost as they do not justify as to why the narrator feels a certain way. Why should I care about what a character feels or thinks to a particular person if there is no justification of it? Read over this and ask yourself if I had provided a valid reason for saying what I've written here.

You also need more background description in this piece. Believe it or not, background description can help characterise characters as well as to help the reader picture a better picture of what's happening. For example: If they are discussing this in a dark room, it shows that they do not want what they are saying to be made public knowledge. If it's in a library, then it shows that they aren't that desperate to keep things discreet.

The characters in this annoy me because they don't seem to be open minded. They never think of other possible alternatives that can help remedy their problems. Rather, they resort to methods that can hurt other's feelings. They are total idiots for not thinking the problem through. I don't mind if only one of the characters is like that, but when all of them are, then I don't see what purpose it achieves. Yes, there will be conflict, but from a very narrow point of view.

That is all.

Andy.

Hey there, Icefire!

I'm not going to do an indepth review as the awesome Squall has gone over all the points and I don't want to repeat everything he said.

O-o-o-riginality.

I'm going to be honest with you, I didn't really like this. There was nothing original about it, nothing quirky about the characters, nothing making them stand out. As Andy says, generalisations kill a story. We all know about the whole, 'skinny popular girl' thing and people being jealous of them. We don't want it drummed into us for the thousandth time. You need to make these characters real, know them inside out, add originality, elabore, engage. Flesh it out.

Dialogue.

Your dialogue was quite superficial as well because it had no depth to it, no meaning. It was just pointless teenage talk, things that I frankly tire of hearing. You should only put things into a story which have aunthenticity, which will help your story progress. You can't just put a string of speech together and call it a dialogue. You have to elaborate on the surroundings, show us the scenery around, how people's eyes flicker when they've noticed something, how their lip curls in disdain, how they twist their hair round their fingers when they're nervous. The little details which make a story real.

Characters.

We don't know anything about your characters. Their personalities seem shallow and 2D. They're not interesting, they're just superficial, small minded people. As Squall said, they don't seem to want to resolve thier problems. They're not resourceful, nothing about them is making them stand out. They need flaws, they need issues, they need a past, a history. They need interesting quirks and unique habits. Flesh out your character. If you are developing one very important character, have fun with it! Give your character an entire profile! What is his/her name? Where were they born, and when? Do they wear striped socks or solid ones? Is their hair blue or flame-red? Write down a bunch of these details, even if they may not be necessary for the story.

Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

When writing the story, don't add too much detail to the character. That makes the story seem to drag on with constant description of one character. Don't imitate the character development style of your favorite author. Be yourself. Your characters don't have to be just like J.K. Rowling's or Lemony Snicket's. Your characters are all yours!Be creative!
When you create a past for your character, make sure it has a part in melding their personality, not just telling what they did in the past.
Have the characters interact. Good dialogue tells a lot about characters.
Give some hints that characters are more than meets the eye. Sometimes first impressions can be quite deceiving.

I'm one of the harsher critiquers on this site, so I'm sorry if this sounded too critical. I only want to help you improve your writing.

Good luck!

-Sarah

Hai! Sela here, to review your 'pathetic love story', so called. =D

First and foremost, let's not make the name of our stories self-deprecation for lack of better titles, yes? It does so scare the reviewer away. Now, on to the critiquing!

Ahh, Stories In Fall

I should probably review the first chapter before the second, but there you go. I'm a maverick.

I began walking down the side walk, not caring where I went or when I'd be there. Jenny was so stupid, so blonde, so skinny, so pretty, so popular, so everything-I'll-never-be. Everything I don't want to be.

One thing I learned quite early on about writing is that the less you describe isn't always the better. For instance, 'walking down the sidewalk'. Doesn't tell you a lot, does it? For me, it would probably go more like, 'I stomped away across the sidewalk, not caring where I'd end up or how I'd get there.' It just gives more of a picture, you know? And, just to warn you of the cliche - obviously, some girls who are the most popular are skinny, blonde, and 'stupid', but why can't some be clever? Why not brunette? I guess it depends on where you live, but I doubt every popular-est girl in every high school ever was blonde, skinny, and stupid. Sorry for the rant. xD

I think I'll skip any more nitpicking and get on to other problems now. A few more reviews and read-overs should catch those.

Characters

Naturally, by the second chapter, you're not expected to have every character developed perfectly, but it seems you've found one of those tricky cliches and are falling slowly in. Now, not every story that has a familiar storyline has to be cliche (I've read quite a few authors who managed not being so with flying colors), but it takes a lot of determination and careful attention not to end up with characters so unformed that the reader just wishes they'd keel over and die. So watch out for that, and I think you'll do fine.

Plot Line

So, some of this has already been explained above. Try to make the characters your own, and sort of veer off a little from high-school romance, 'oh, I love him but he likes my imbecilic sister, and then OMG he likes me more and we make out, the end', because that does kind of mess the story up. Try to be inventive, yes? A'right.

Dialogue

Sticky, sticky! See, the point of a story is that it ties together all these things: dialogue, storyline, characters, etc. You can't have great characters without dialogue, and you can't have great storyline without decently developed characters - and so on. What I do when I'm writing dialogue for any character is picture them, with their background, personality, and way of speaking, and think, 'how would he/she say this?' It really does help.

The End

Well, I can't say I loved it so far - however, with your talent, some of these tips, and a little practice, I'm sure you can make it all work.

Good luck, fellow writer! I bel-i-i-i-eve in you!

-SELA

pose. I could care less.

posse. I couldn't care less.

Awesome-ness

NEVER! use something else!

Cutesy

Got to be kidding me? CUTESY!? HUH! NOOOOOO. Any word by that!

its almost like you think i care

It's. because it would be 'it is'. Google it because i cannot be bothered explaining haha but there is a difference, and running spell check would have picked it up.

Rest is in attachment haha.

Right watch your "'' directions. I'm, don't and all that came up wrong because for some reason the ' direction was wrong.

I agree with others^^ about characters because he is really cliche. Using her? Gosh. Little originality for this, and though the ending was powerfully telling me to keep reading, and i want to, if it's going to be like chapter 2, well, i would not want to read. He was predictable, which was terrible, and it was quite boring. One conversation? that all? I want something to happen.
They lack emotion too - how does this make her feel?

Oh and re do Jenny. SSOO cliche! Gosh you can do better, i hope. Don't make her perfect, please, be original.

And what are they looking like? Zac/Jenny i mean. What does he smell like? Colour hair? Skin Tone? Lanky? Fat? Stale breath? Big head? cowlick?

Edit - because you have not. And read aloud, too, because a lot of what i critiqued was indeed small stuff you could have picked up.

i've got to say, you hooked me with the prologue,

i agree with the above writers, but i have to dissagree with a couple of things.

1) their blatant criticism of your "cliche shallowness" has some levety (work with them characters!) but i think they fail to realize that teenagers tend to think cliche-ly. the first thing i think when i see a blonde, pretty, skinny teenager is omg bitch

2)you did a great job with the foiling of the sisters (or potential foil), and i would perhaps use that later on. i want to know how they got so different, what happened with zac, who's holly. i know this is just the second chapter, but the first couple chapters are just mainly a "hi my name is ____ and i did this and i will be important this way______" i have a feeling you have a great story and just want to write it, but (and believe me, i suffer the same way ) sometimes we have to do the boring crap first... i suggest writing the parts you want to write and are excited about, and then do characterization later

3) keep going. I'm hooked and want more. i realize the harsh critivcism from the above people may discourage you (for example, people trashed a story of mine last year and i gave up on it ) but remember, there are people (like me) who really want you to finish this. i sense an almost sci-fi ending and IM EXCITED>>>>>> i will be watching for these posts.