Rumors

Rumors


Thy word has taken flight.
Inky blackness has spread.
Neither mouth nor eye open.
Houses quaking with dread.

The open mouth, open mind rule,
applies for naught.
For when you spill about Ol' John,
a lesson will be taught.

John carried his knife
to the fair maiden's abode.
Walked up the path
with a sack in a tow.

Nobody saw what happened.
Long awaited rumors carried,
that John and the fair maiden
were engaged to be married.

With parents outraged,
and friends in a daze,
the young couple disappeared
into the shadowy haze.

This is now another of my favorite poems by you. I loved it! Keep writing!

This is really good, I like it a lot. The rhymes don't sound forced, which is good. But I was wondering what happened to them? Why do they disappear in the end? If you were trying to leave the reader in suspense in the end then, job well done. I just feel like something is missing, maybe you could write a squeal poem...? haha
keep writing!

This is really good, I could never think of it. I loved the part where you said
"With parents outraged,

and friends in a daze,

the young couple disappeared

into the shadowy haze."
Very dramatic.

Thanks for the sweet reviews guys! I shall edit it at once..

I still feel that there is something wrong with this poem.. Is there any instructors that could help me?

[quote="Princess"][b]Rumors[/b]


Thy word has taken flight.
Inky blackness has spread.>>> I happen to really like this line.
Neither mouth nor eye open.
Houses quaking with dread.>>>Uh, this sort of seems akward, You know? Change it perhaps?

The open mouth, open mind rule,
applies for naught.
For when you spill about Ol' John,
a lesson will be taught.>>> I'm not exactly crazy about this paragrapgh

John carried his knife
to the fair maiden's abode.
Walked up the path
with a sack in a tow.>>>I don't see how this has anything to do with the poem ???

Nobody saw what happened.
Long awaited rumors carried,
that John and the fair maiden
were engaged to be married.>>>>Ok this I like

With parents outraged,
and friends in a daze,
the young couple disappeared
into the shadowy haze.[/quote]>>>Again I don't see how this has anything to do with the title.
________________

Hey there Princess, I'm Max sorry about completely distroying your poem, but yeah. I didn't mean to be harsh or rude, so don't take it personally. I kill almost every poem I see. Are you sure your thirteen by the way??? You used a lot of good vocabulary and my favorite paragrapgh was the first. It had alot of good detail and it actually sent shivers down my spine. Anyways this poem is actually pretty good for a thirteen year old. But then again, that's just my opinion. So do caarry on with writing, good luck, keep writing and PM me if you have any questions or comments or would like to talk.

-Max

Hi there Emma!

I'm not quite sure what you wanted to say with this poem. Based on the title, I would've expected some "don't gossip, it's bad" kind of preach. I also hoped that there wouldn't be the word "rumor" in the poem itself, but when it was there, it didn't bother me after all.

I still liked this poem. The rhymes, as Caroline said, weren't forced and the flow was there. The second stanza was my least favourite, because it didn't flow as well as the other ones. Also, why will the lesson be taught? What's the reason? It just is there, but it doesn't tell us anything.

You said yourself that there were still something wrong about this poem. Well, at first glance, it seems flawless, but you could have connected the first and the last stanza more with the whole poem. *goes to re-read the poem*

Okay. Now I re-read the poem and kind of got the idea behind it. The reason why I'm not re-writing this review is that I want you to see what I thought after reading it for the first time.

You might want to expand the "plot" a little. Why did John do what he did? We don't have any background, and that's bothering me a little – we're just reading the story in a poem form, but we're still like behing a glass wall or something. We can't get closer, into the poem because the wall is blocking us. You should show us what John is thinking while walking down the path; you don't need a lot of words. Just use your (or John's) senses.

This review is going to be just my thoughts in a really random order, I'm just writing this and adding new things when I think of them. Hopefully it doesn't bother you. I have a feeling that I might have misunderstood this poem after all. The reason why I think of what I think now is the third stanza.

If we don't think of anything but the rhymes, the structure, and the flow, the fourth stanza is my favourite.

So, all in all, my advice is this:

1. Expand and explain the story more.
2. Use your senses.
3. Connect the stanzas better with each other.

Thanks for the read, and PM me if you need anything else to be reviewed!


Demeter xxx

OOh!!*snaps fingers* Thats exactly what I needed!!! Thanks soo much guys!

Oh and Max, we have known each other for a while.. I had a name change.


Thanks soo much guys!! I shall edit it right away!

*Emma*

I'm at a lose of words. All I can say is that it's wonderful. I wish I could write like that. There was really nothing to critique. you hit it dead - on. It was beautiful! I felt so engulfed in reading it. I didn't want it to end. It was beautiful.

I liked it, though it's a bit vague. I don't really understand what is happening until about the third stanza. After that, however, it cleared up. Overall, nice job.

Hello there!

Hmm, I've been saying this a lot today, but I have a love/don't like relationship with this poem. You have a very good, solidly written beginning but then I feel as though you've rushed through everything. Its like you approach a staircase and instead of taking each step one at a time, you fall down completely. Take your time and make us hear this story. It has so much potential, I believe and you completely drowned it by not expanding.

Play host to the feelings. Why were the parents and the friends upset? Who are these two people and why should I feel for them getting married? And another thing, I believe dramatic poetry is told in a single, first person voice to the audience...and this is third person.

That is all,

~Angel

Congrats!! You earned me my second blue star.

Wow, this was a really good poem. I had no nitpicks except that you should expand your ideas a little more. Maybe make it a little longer? Gold star for you!

fluteluvr77<3