Adelaide, a Prologue.

Lost_in_dreamland · 2008-11-26T21:47:25Z

[b]Ok, there's probably a load of mistakes, I'm just looking for some opinions. Thanks :) My name was Adelaide Molyneux, my grandparents being of French descent. I was a young child at the time, not more than thirteen summers old, with a stubbornness well beyond my years. I was living in a small village, north of a larger one, which in effect probably branched off into a further. It was called Loville after a desolate little creature that had once lived there. Charles Richard Loville. A strange being with deep thoughts and a furrowed brow. Such a pensive soul was he that none dared to enter his presence. I remember him to be a tall figure - a man that had to stoop to enter church, but yet he still had some godlike elegance about him. Father had often tried to restrain my wonders. Winter was never my favourite season; the trees would stand devoid of their leaves, almost like a person with no soul, and without a soul what be a person? The icy artic winds would blow, and the frail rigid leaves would scatter. One should not be expected to leave one’s home in such conditions, yet they worsened. The rain would cascade with an estranged antagonism. T’was a day indifferent to this that I not more than a year later received my first telegram, but I was not to know of that for moons to come. I had lived in Loville for many years, all thirteen of them. It was an ugly village - both in the sights and inhabitants - not one of picturesque scenes. Yet I was drawn still, to it’s convoluted buildings; they were not of great splendour but there was no stipulation that they were not intricately built. They had elongated pewter coloured sculptures, the sculptor wished them be described as ‘incarnations’ despite their obvious incongruence. The buildings themselves were not much of a spectacle: encrusted with thin sandstone, the walls themselves being almost completely perforated. My younger self was a lacklustre little being - an erratic soul with a negligible conscience - one which often overpowered me. Despite my insubordinate nature I was a composed creature among my parents, content with the sound of my own thoughts. I had no siblings excepting my brother. Marcel Molyneux. I recall one of the many converstaions I had with him: “What be truth really?”, I had asked. “Truth; truth be the sun set over there, truth be this unspeakable incongruent life, truth be, no. Adie, truth be what we want it to be, truth be mouldable, there’s no real truth. Well none really, truth be a mere word, the real truth lies within you”. I had pondered many nights over that, t’was my brother’s way to offer no explanation. On the contrary he was an extremely clever being. A philosopher as he liked to describe hisself. T’was a Thursday he was born if I recall correctly - or so said his birth certificate. The 9th of October 1896, making him eligible and conscripted to go to war. The thought ran shivers down my spine. He was not a man of weary fatigue, nor was he of diminutive vigour yet there was an air of fragility around him. How easily his spine could be fragmented, but more so how effortlessly his soul could be shattered -- how simply and thoughtlessly his spirit could be crushed: “Need you go to war Marcel?”, I had asked him rather irate. “Adie, Adie, Adie, you be a clever being do you not? Be you not of the knowledge that I will be fine - don’t fear Adie, never fear, for fear be the overpowering emotion. Let it in and it’ll eat up your whole essence, it’ll ebb out all goodness from your life Adie, don’t let it in.” “S’not that Marcel, I don’t want you to go. I be not happy alone. I be not contented with mother’s presence, that sounds most discourteous, but Marcel, I need you here. I don’t want you to go Marcel.” “You be scared Adelaide. I can tell.” “Yes, I do be scared but I be not scared for me. I be not scared for mother or even for father - father be strong and he be not easily distracted. But Marcel, what about you? What about you.” “You let passion get too close Adie” he gestured towards a solitary tear rolling from my eyes. My soul was absent. “You should not let passion get too close either Adie - for passion be not a deadly killer but it be a danger, a chronic danger, let passion too close and it will never leave Adie. For me? You fear for me”, he laughed, a curious spectacle in such a conversation. “And why be that so funny?”, I demanded growing infuriated. “Aah! Adie. Do not worry, I will be fine, it be just a little touch of fate. Fate intertwines with every life; as much as you would like to think otherwise. Fate be not a subject of fear, look upon it as a spectacle of routine. As much as I wish to reside amongst my dreams it be simply not respectable to waste one’s life wishing upon stars. It be not acceptable to forget to live within the real world. It be not appropriate for me to dwell on anything but reality. Promise me one thing Adie, if you ever promise me anything. Promise me that you will not fear, Adie. Promise me.” “I will try Marcel. I will. But I be not in a position to promise you Marcel. It be not possible.” I was always the one to brood. My brother had his own way of fretting within hisself. Yet he was rather reclusive, more philosophical than most. He was a being of high principles. A most irregular soul, with deep abysmal roan eyes, and a most distinct nose that stood almost completely perpendicular. He had a monocle that he would sometimes place on an eye, and look down at me while I would laugh most hysterically and deride his strange ways. My brother was a most perplexing creature - almost elusive. T’was a pleasant Autumn that year. I recall the wind blowing sweetly , yet verging on macabrely, perhaps the notion that this would not develop into a further storm pleased me. The leaves blew, like rigid skeletal bodies, their frames shivering. The sky was devoid of a sun, but yet glimpses of light were visible through the ample clouds. So began my story …

Lost_in_dreamland

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Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:30 pm

Lost_in_dreamland says... · Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:30 pm

Thanks so much to everyone that's reviewed this

It's been a great help to me

-Kirsten xxx
and thanks to you especially Sarah, you've reviewed it twice!!!!!
x

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Kalliope

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Sun Dec 28, 2008 11:04 am

Kalliope says... · Sun Dec 28, 2008 11:04 am

Hi Kirsten,

since you asked for an overall opinion rather than nitpicks I'll skip those. But I'd look at the tenses again in places. Just something I noticed once or twice, but we all do that

General Stuff: I liked your voice immediately. Easy to follow, likeable and the old English really adds to the atmosphere.

Characters: So far we have Adelaide and Marcel. One thing I'd be careful about is the good old "show, not tell", you do some telling, for example saying that Adelaide is stubborn, but it didn't immensly bother me. I think it may be because the is the first part and because it's first person and the telling are at the same time your MC's coments.

I would however in future parts steer away from telling. Also I would make sure that you also show what you have said before. I haven't really noticed any particular stubbornness in Adelaide's behavior. Only passion.

Hence, I would see to it that if you do tell you show everything as well. Comments by your narrator should be there to, well, comment on something that has been shown, hence characterize Adelaide more, if that makes sense.

Both your characters are likeable and I've already gotten somewhat of a feel for them, which is great for a beginning, so kudos.

:?:

Dialogue: I thought the dialogue was good, but there was one thing that bothered me. It seemed that whatever Adelaide would say, her brother would voice his opinion about a certain emotion or thing, which in itself is fine, since he's a philosophic lad, but he would do it in a very similar manner. Also Adelaide would just kind of swallow it all up. Doesn't really seem to fit her, even though he's her beloved and admired older brother.

I really loved the description of him though.

:idea:

Plot: So far we've got: Adelaide and her brother love each other dearly, but he has to go to war. He tells her not to worry.

This is not a lot, but for a first chapter it is absolutely fine. Adelaide has won me over and was this a book already, I would absolutely read on.

:smt020

Setting: You did a great job in describing where your story takes place. I'd be careful about how much information you give, make sure you don't info-dump. Here however it was fine. The description of the village and it's location gave me a feel for the atmosphere and hearing about who it was named after and all was fun. Great for an introduction, but beware of info-dumping in the future

Overall: I generally enjoyed reading this and the only things I'd say need work are the dialogue and some of the tenses (hence, some nitpicks).

Well done! Keep it up

All the best,
~Kalliope

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )

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Lost_in_dreamland

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Sun Dec 28, 2008 2:01 pm

Lost_in_dreamland says... · Sun Dec 28, 2008 2:01 pm

Thanks so much Kallilope xD
It needs serious work :lol:

And I really have to work out how to develop the relationship between Adelaide and Marcel better :lol:

Thanks so much for reviewing

You rock xD
xxx

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Lost_in_dreamland

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Points 890

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Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:37 pm

Lost_in_dreamland says... · Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:37 pm

Thanks to everyone that reviewed this, you have all been invaluable

I'm not sure if I'm going to carry on with this as I am planning to do a complete rewrite from scratch of Orli and Eden. I am also planning another novel for 2009 but mostly I'm just taking things as they happen so you never know

I might carry on with it but probably not. Thankyou so much to all that have helped though

I love you's so much xD you rock

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