I Do

A/N: I wrote this late at night... or perhaps early in the morning. It was around 2:30am when I finished it. I was watching TV, and I suddenly came up with "Hey! Why don't I do wedding vows!" (I think I was watching a 'reality dating' show on VH1; I can't really remember... I was half asleep). And thus, this was born.

Be brutal! And I have one thing to ask of you all... please tell me about my line breaks. I'm never too good about those.

Bride:
And I used to
lay, contemplate
about the one
who'll take my
hand one day.

And I told myself
plenty already,
that whoever takes my
heart will be one
lucky guy.

For so long, I had
this special love
locked up, waiting,
clinging to me,
dragging me down.

And you managed to not only
lift me up, but
let it all out.



Groom:
Ever had
the feeling where
you love someone
so much,
so much
that you think your
heart’s about to
pop?

If only I’d found
you sooner,
Love.
I realize that all that
stuff in the past
was a waste of time.
________________________________________
*Wishes she could do columns*

Hi, Livinginfantasy!

Your poem was sweet and had a nice basic idea, which hasn't really got clichéed yet – I mean the bride/groom thing. However, it didn't really bring through any deeper emotions and that was what I would've liked to read – about love that's so full of wonders that it makes your heart scream in joy. In Finnish, the right verb for this would be pakahtua, which basically means "to burst out of happiness", though translated it really doesn't desribe the feeling as well.

In each of these stanzas, love is described with plain words and expressions that are in daily use, and thus don't make the topic very interesting. I'm not saying you should use words like stateliness or notwithstanding, but you could think about metaphors and paraphrases, things like that. Use every one of your senses when writing a poem: How does something feel/taste/sound etc.?

About the line breaks: I'm not any poetry expert, though I like to write poetry every once in a while. I don't know if there's a certain rule about the breaks, but I think you kind of write one thought to one line, and then out another thought to another line. And the lines should also be somewhat equal, I think But please, anyone correct me if I'm wrong.

A nit-pick:

And I told myself

plenty already

This sounds a little weird; can you really say something like that?

Other stuff:
- nice rhyme in the first stanza


So, I hope I was of any help. PM me if you have any questions.

Demeter xxx

One of the groom's so-much-es needs to be put in italics. Other than that, it's a great, almost immaculate poem. So keep writing! I will let my readers go--
Cheers!
--Voxina

Hey there!

Being that it is Christmas, Merry Christmas! On to the review. ^_~


Now, this might seem pretty basic and perhaps slightly rude of me, but there is a reason why wedding vows are not poetry! A poem might be a wedding vow, but a wedding vow a poem does no make. Basically, even though wedding vows are probably fun to write and it is in verse, this doesn't actually mean it is poem. I'll get beyond that however! And review this like a poem.

It's very narrow, for one thing. It's really centered within its self and doesn't let the reader in. ... This is obvious, though. As a wedding vow it is a message to the other person. This doesn't always come out so good. I think a wedding styled poem would be incredebly interesting, but recall the poetry also involves imagery, beautiful and specific diction, sound devices and so forth. Don't just speak to the other person - appeal to your reader. Can you make them feel the love?

As to your line breaks, they were short which made this really jumpy and difficult to read. The flow was completely lost. Line breaks are so important, because even though they don't signal pauses, it does break the language up for the reader. Think of it, the eyes have to move all the way to the other side of the poem! So they're important, you've got that. You can use them to your advantage, too. A switch of emotion can be heightened by a line break, or a word joke, which hinges on the words, can elevate the joke depending where the line break is.

Sorry this was such a lame review. =/ Hope it helped, anyway, and best of luck!