AEOTS part1 the beginning ch1

hey guys plz edit it cauze i think it needs it.and i desperately need ur suggestion
dnt forget to check out its prologue and tell me if this ones's better than that or not plzzzz.
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An Extraordinary Teenage Story
Part 1
The beginning
Chapter 1

Have you ever been locked up in your freezer? Of course not.
But if you ever had been then your hands would've turned numb, your teeth would've chattered so much that you would've felt that they'll fall off, and your nose would freeze making breathing difficult for you.

Such were the conditions for our poor 14 year old character. Though he was wearing a green colored hooded jacket but it was not enough to protect him.

Now like all good writers I will introduce him with his name. But wait a minute, he doesn't have any name. Well initially he had one, but because of some mysterious reason he developed a dis likeness for names. Though he called other people by their names, but he never told anyone his name. So all his friends called him the unknown.

Now you must be thinking that what's the use of keeping his name a secret, when others give him another name? And probably a less impressive one.
Well all I could say about this is our thoughts match.

I know this character of mine is strange and weird, but nonetheless I like him. And it's all upto to you if you like him or not.

Now where was I?
Oh yes, the air was cold and freezing and the night was foggy. Unknown was walking towards his home. He shivered from the cold. But it wasn't that hard for him now. As he was used to it. Everyday he had to attend his tutions, Which was not too far away neither very close by. So he was now used to it.

It all seemed like any other night for him.But ofcourse it wasnt because if it had been, then our story wouldve been like any other ordinary story. thats a different thing that no story is ordinary.

Now as he was walking, lost in his own world, his eyes fell on a strange object on the floor. It glittered from the light that fell from the street light. It was a silver coin. He picked it up, it was absolutely smooth.
It had strange symbols carved on it. He flipped the coin, and from that moment extraordinary things started to happen.

Winds picked up speed, It had started to hail. Thunder roared. Unknown was hit by a large piece of ice. His forehead was bleeding. He felt dizzy.
The red brick apartments that towered around him, the walls which were heavily laden with colorful and large graffiti, all started to become a blurr.
Then the worst thing happened, a thunder bolt struck him. It travelled from his his head right into the ground.

It was enough for him, he fell unconscious on the ground clutching the coin in his hand.
-x-x-x-

Hmm. Rather an unusual story I must say. It seemed to be that you are the one who is narrating the story. And the character was even more unusual.

Have you ever been locked up in your freezer? Of course not.
But if you ever had been(,) then your hands would've turned numb, your teeth would've chattered so much that you would've felt that they'll fall off, and your nose would freeze making breathing difficult for you.

Such were the conditions for our poor 14 year old character. Though he was wearing a green colored hooded jacket but it was not enough to protect him.

Now like all good writers I will introduce him with his name. (In a story, you don't write anything about yourself. It has to be something about the book) But wait a minute, he doesn't have any name. Well initially he had one, but because of some mysterious reason he developed a dislikeness for names. Though he called other people by their names, but he never told anyone his name. So all his friends called him the unknown.

Now you must be thinking that what's the use of keeping his name a secret, when others give him another name? And probably a less impressive one.
Well all I could say about this is our thoughts match.

I know this character of mine is strange and weird, but nonetheless I like him. And it's all upto to you if you like him or not. (This is completely against to what you should write. Don't try to talk to the people who are reading this story. It's like as if we are narrating the story.)

Now where was I? (Never use this. It's completely useless to submit your own thoughts)
Oh yes, the air was cold and freezing and the night was foggy. Unknown was walking towards his home. He shivered from the cold. But it wasn't that hard for him now. As he was used to it. Everyday he had to attend his tutions, Which was not too far away (but) neither very close by. So he was now used to it.

It all seemed like any other night for him.(space)But of(space)course it wasn't(period) b(B)ecause if it had been, then our story would've been like any other ordinary story. t(T)hats a different thing that no story is ordinary.

Now as he was walking, lost in his own world, his eyes fell on a strange object on the floor. It glittered from the light that fell from the street light. It was a silver coin. He picked it up, it was absolutely smooth.
It had strange symbols carved on it. He flipped the coin, and from that moment extraordinary things started to happen.

Winds picked up speed, It had started to hail. Thunder roared. Unknown was hit by a large piece of ice. His forehead was bleeding (Should be started bleeding). He felt dizzy.
The red brick apartments that towered around him, the walls which were heavily laden with colorful and large graffiti, all started to become a blurr.
Then the worst thing happened, a thunder bolt struck him. It travelled from his his right into the ground.

It was enough for him, he fell unconscious on the ground clutching the coin in his hand.
-x-x-x-

Well, this story seemed to be leading nowhere to me. It didn't make any sense to me. First you says how it feels to be in a freezer and then suddenly, "Unknown" is walking home, whoever he is. Your story is unconnected. It's because you both try to tell the story and then talk to the readers also.

Then, your character should be developed. Really more developed. I only learned that he was called "Unknown" and is 14 years old. And I'm imagining a gangster as your character. A clear description of you characters should be there. Where it's given in a direct way or in hints and things.

Well, good luck.

At your service, Spiko!

First the errors/suggestions:

your teeth would've chattered so much that you would'vefelt them falling off

...to intensify the effects of being inside a freezer.

Though he was wearing a green colored hooded jacket, [s]but [/s]it was not enough to protect him.

or simply:

His hooded green jacket did not help him much.

dis likeness for names

does that word exist? I'm not very sure. Try replacing it with other words.

Now you must be thinking [s]that [/s]what's the use of

would've been like any other ordinary story. It's a different thing that no story is ordinary.

It glittered from the light of the street light.

also...

So all his friends called him the unknown.

Put the unknown in italics to make it stand out. Afterall, it's the hero's name.

Now you style:

I've only read your poems so far... this is the first prose I'm reading. Here's somethings I'd like to say:

1. You need to show more than tell. Descriptions work better than statements. Well, there should be a balance, but this piece has too few descriptions.

2. The narration seems real nice and original but I feel a lack of fluidity in it. At times, it seems forced.

3. You should definitely dramatize the post-touching-the-coin bit. The storm and hail should be described with bolder words to make the impact of such a pivotal moment.


And the story:

I cannot make any definite comment at this stage, but one thing's for sure: it seems inviting and interesting.

Try revising your work and all the best!

This was a little unusual, but I liked it. You had a certain confidence about you when you would talk from your point of view, which was nice. How you came up with the freezer theme, I will never know, but you went with it and it worked.
Keep writing because you definitely have potential. Good luck.

This was an unusual story, but very interesting. You still need to revise it though. I won't point out anything since Chirantha and Sohini have already done it.
Well, the piece was not bad. It was told in a unique way that keeps the reader wondering. After reading the story, I got this feeling of wanting to read more. Keep writing, the story definitely has potential.

Good luck!

Hello, Spike! I got your message, and here I am, at your request

Hope this helps!

Such were the conditions for our poor 14 year old character.

Write out the word “fourteen” rather than the number.

Oh yes, the air was cold and freezing and the night was foggy. Unknown was walking towards his home. He shivered from the cold. But it wasn't that hard for him now. As he was used to it. Everyday he had to attend his tutions, Which was not too far away neither very close by. So he was now used to it.
It all seemed like any other night for him. But of course it wasnt because if it had been, then our story wouldve been like any other ordinary story. thats a different thing that no story is ordinary.

Okay, this whole paragraph is kind of confusing. Really try to make clear what you are saying. At first, I understood, but then, as it went on, you kind of starting ranting Just be sure to keep clear what you are trying to say And too, you have a lot of spelling errors. Watch out for those.

Well, this was a really bizarre way of telling a story, but I actually enjoyed your writing style. It had an edge that others don’t.

My only suggestion would be to clear things up, be more specific, and include more detail. That way, the reader will be able to picture exactly what everything looks like. That helps the writing flow better as well.

Keep writing!

Heya

You story was unusual, strangely unique and pretty awesome.
I loved it and i totally disagree with the others that have said that they dont really like it.
Although it does need some editing, it has potential..

Anyways, keep writing.
Love Georgie xxXXxx

I HAVE LIKED IT VERYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MUCH