So Goes the Museum

Hey Galerius,

This was clearly a very solemn piece of poetry, the way you use language is very complex, well thought out, sophisticated...

However, and forgive me if I sound like an imbecile, I don't understand what it's about. I get the feeling it has something to do with passing time, decay, death. But your language is a bit too sophisticated for most people to just read it and understand it-most people would have to study it for longer than I myself am willing to look at it for in order to know what it's actually about. Of course, you might be aiming this at an audience more used to this sort of literature, which is fine. But, if you are expecting your typical (and intelligent) reader to easily understand this, I'm afraid you are probably wrong.
I get the feeling that this may be difficult to turn into a poem easily understandable by the majority of readers, so I'd keep this as it is-I know there are plenty of people who will appreciate this, but they are a majority. I just thought I'd bring this concern to your attention for future reference. Because I, and I'm sure many other people, can tell that you put a lot of effort into this, there's fantastic imagery in nearly every line, and you use language of a very high quality. But it's hard to appreciate all this when the poem makes very little or no sense.

Hey, Galerius! Here as requested. I'm tired, so forgive me if some of my comments make no sense.

Breaking pillage dark of dust

Maybe I'm just being slow, but I think this would make more sense if you rephrased as, "Breaking pillage dark from dust."

There's nothing else really technical to critique, as you've obviously polished this for ages. Kudos on that.

Overall impression:

Okay, I really liked it. You have some excellent imagery and allusions here. The way you use your language is suitably effective, and as the previous critiquer pointed out - sophisticated. Your words have obviously been chosen painstakingly and they all have an important meaning for this. It's been said that if a novel is "words in the best order," then a poem is "the best words in the best order." You have a very strong structure of words. This seems proffessional and you have a bit of excellence in here.

However, there is a slight problem: I cannot really figure out the significance of this poem. I am sure more intellectual people might, but I am struggling to make sense of it at the moment. I presume by your allusions that it is related to death and the passing of time? In terms of literal meaning, a lot of the imagery you have put into this poem does not make complete sense. I know you've put so much effort into finding the right metaphors and placing them in to have particular meaning, but the problem is that they will not make sense to everyone. For me, it is slightly lacking in depth, because the literal meaning is lost. I'm sure there is depth - it's just the meaning of it gets confused.That is not to say it was done badly - just that a number of people will not understand it.

Save your most powerful message or insight for the end of your poem. The last line is to a poem what a punch line is to a joke--something that evokes an emotional response. Give the reader something to think about, something to dwell on after reading your poem. Resist the urge to explain it; let the reader become engaged with the poem in developing an understanding of your experience or message.

It may sound difficult, but do not be afraid to voice your exact feelings. Emotions are what make poems, and if you lie about your emotions it can be easily sensed in the poem. Write them down as quickly as possible, and when you're done, go through the list and look for connections or certain items that get your creative juices flowing. I might sound backward - but I couldn't find that much emotion in it, because of the ideas that were not concrete enough to encompass such emotion.

This quote:

The doors of Musée open to helpless throngs
beseeched by shadow (enter from stage right).
They falter as past life resurrects itself over
and away, and away I say. Away goes future
and her children, sacred core ridden to corrupt,

This quote was a perfect example of how you can use emotion beautifully, while still keeping that imagery and sophistication you have. Just try to apply it to the whole poem. This has great potential; definitely don't give up on it. It could be amazing.

Good luck, and sorry for the slightly abstract critique.

-Sarah

okay, so i agree with the above lady and gentleman that the poem is a tad difficult to figure out. i mean, dont get me wrong, i have poems like that all the time, and i even read alot of poems that i absolutely dont understand, but i love them anyways. except i didn't exactly LOVE this poem. i LIKED it. it was okay. i mean, im just not for the whole atmosphere of death and time passing or whatever everyone was guessing you were talking about. im not even gonna try to guess what you're talking about. i personally like happy poems, but thats just me.

the parts i did really like, though, were the little one-line in between stanza thingys, how they decay from "May we survive long enough to embrace the dusk" to "May we surviv long enough" to "may we survive". i like that bit.

so in conclusion, very well written, fantastically descriptive, entirely abstruse poem.