Rain

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Life was decent, until he came...
It was the night, that no music played at all, it was a night that I couldn't forget, and it was a night that would always have a spot in the heart.
Rain, I always knew something about it was bad. Dad left me and my mom, and my three sisters, on a night of non-stop rain. It rained when Mom was beaten by her most recent boyfriend. It rained the night my grandmother died, and it rained the night I found out that one of my sisters, Zoe, had cancer.
Rain, wasn't my best friend, but it was my enemy. Rain, was the worst thing that came around in my small town. But after that night of rain...Rain was not only my enemy anymore...Rain wasn't even my best friend..it was my soul mate.
How did I get so lucky? I mean I got the man, the man of my dreams, the man I would completely and utterly die for. He was the one. With his blueish-greenish eyes and his smile that made my heart completely melt like a hot fudge sundae on a hot day, he was perfect.
He was Jeb, I know it's not a name you here that often, but he was Jeb.
I remeber his exact words on that cold, dreary, rainey night,
"Come on Mandy, take a chance, come out in the rain and dance with me..come on please?" he asked me with the puppy dog eyes that I could not resist.
"Jeb, you know I hate rain, and plus I can't even dance really.." I replied trying not to give in to his adorable look on his face.
"I know, but you can trust me. I won't let no one hurt you."
"Fine," I gave in.
He took my hand and we walked out into the street as if no one was looking at us through their windows.
It was a cold, rainey night. No music played, no anything, and we danced. We danced in the middle of the street out in Chicago. We laughed, and we talked and we dreamed about our lives in the future.
That night, our laughter made up for music, our words made up for a rythm and out dreams made its very own unique beat.
Me and Jeb didn't need music, we just needed two hearts.
"This is the first time I have never been scared of the rain, I mean so many tragic things happen when it rains, but I guess some sort of Angel is looking down on me tonight and giving me mercy."
"I know and know here we are dancing in the pouring rain," he said to me, looking me straight into the eyes.
His body felt warm, even though it was freezing outside. His face was soft even though the rain hit hard. He held me close like no other has held me and for awhile I felt like me and him were "one".
Then, it came, the one thing that made this night so special was, the kiss.
He leaned in slower and slower and then it happend. My lips melted off as I pushed my lips against that boy. I couldn't let go, not now, not here, not never. I wanted to be with that man, as long as I could.
It was the rain, that made all my sadness go away, I had trust in the rain now, and I was depending on it.
So that night, when my kiss came and I danced with the man I love in the middle of the rain. That was the night, that I will never forget.

***This is just a fiction thing that I came up with at random!!! I hope you enjoy it!!!!!!




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Welcome to YWS! I see that you are a new member! ;)

It would a good idea to introduce yourself in the Welcome Forum. In case you don't know YWS has a rule where you must do two critiques/reviews before posting up a work of yours. The ratio of reviews to post is 2:1.

So, it would a good idea to get those two critiques done.

I enjoyed reading this piece; however it needs a bit of polishing.

I have attached my review of your story. Just download the attachment.

Some other things:
Since the theme in this piece is rain, put more emphasis on it. How does the rain feel like? Smell? Taste? The sound of rain? This piece badly need description.

Please take the time to make the edit it.

Overall comment:
Needs a bit of work. Has a nice theme but need more emotions and descriptions


-Zehra
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I'm with Livin_Life_214-the flesh of a story is the description. While you shouldn't go overboard, you still want to give a clear picture on what's happening. Where are the characters, what do they look like, how do they feel?

"I know, but you can trust me. I won't let no one hurt you." I would change the second sentence to "I won't let anyone hurt you."

My lips melted off as I pushed my lips against that boy. I couldn't let go, not now, not here, not never. I wanted to be with that man, as long as I could. The first thing I would do is take out the second 'lips'. It's repetitive, and puts too much of a spot light on that one aspect of the kiss, rather then the entire experience. Also, it could be confusing to the reader calling Jeb both a 'boy' and a 'man'. I would choose one, or have the main character change her mind. Perhaps she realizes all the more the Jeb is more the just a man.

But it was very sweet, I did enjoy it. Put a little more meat on the bones!
"I can't stop drinking coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the walking and the standing and the words-putting-into-sentence doing."- Gilmore Girls




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I like this story a lot. I think maybe you should add a little bit more history to the pain she caused doing the rain. Possible even more detail to the way the rain sounded, was it a drizzle? Pour? Steady? I think it has a lot of high points that could really make this a great story! Just be a little bit more detailed to make the reader feel exactly like the character feels :)




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Hi, Liven! Nice to meet you, and Welcome to YWS! :D I see that mizz-iceberg has filled you in on the rules here, so now my only job is to review :wink:

It was the night, that no music played at all, it was a night that I couldn't forget, and it was a night that would always have a spot in the heart.


Lots of commas here where there could be new sentences. My advise would be to break this up into seperate sentences. That way, you make a more powerful statement.

Rain, wasn't my best friend, [s]but it was my enemy.[/s]


No need to say that last part because by just you saying that Rain isn't her friend, we can assume as much about the second part.

He was Jeb, I know it's not a name you here that often, but he was Jeb.


Again, cut up and make seperate sentences where there are commas, just to make a more powerful statement. Also, this is kind of awkward, with the Jeb thing. I suggest a rewrite.

"Come on Mandy, take a chance, come out in the rain and dance with me..come on please?" he asked me with the puppy dog eyes that I could not resist.


Comma after "on" here

"I know, but you can trust me. I won't let no one hurt you."


"I won't let any one hurt you" not "I won't let no one hurt you"

That night, our laughter made up for music, our words made up for a rythm and out dreams made its very own unique beat.


"our" instead of "out" here. And I really like this sentence. Very well written :D

~ ~ ~ ~

An adorable idea! I love this sort of romantic stories. So cute and irresistible :D

Just reading outloud through this will help with some awkward sentences here and there.

Otherwise, thanks for a nice read!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



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