Have An Ice Day

Slowly nestling against white fluff.
A flash of icicles.
Or maybe they were claws?
No Kilimanjaro this time –
the heat of Savannah is too far away.
But maybe after one coral stroke,
maybe tomorrow.

Could tears become ice drops
clasping someone's cheeks?
Go ahead, give it a try –
because I won't go first.
What if they never melted?
Then it would be you again,
rocks on cotton,
stings on summer...

And just to mention
you'll never see my glance again,
because where was yours
when brown velvet was to be for me?
Just to leave you hanging
with frosty slits on your face
and nobody there to melt them.
Have fun trying by yourself.

Hi Demeter! Here as requested.

I must say - I like the title. Very witty.
Now for nitpicks!

Slowly disappearing into white fluff,
a sudden flash of ice sticks.

I'm torn about this line. "Fluff" with all its soft, cuddly connotations seems to clash too strongly with "ice sticks" which sounds harsher. I'm all for contrast, but here 'fluff' seems to contradict the whole atmosphere of the poem. Maybe replace it?

The second part of the 'But maybe after one blue-and-pink stripe, ' baffled me somewhat but I liked the sad abstract quality of it, so keep it in. I absolutely adored the Savvanah-Kilimajaro thing you had going there. It was great.


Could tears become ice drops
flowing down someone's cheeks?
You should probably give it a try,
because I don't want to be the first.
What if they never melted?
Then it would be you again,
rocks on cotton,
snow on summer...

I love this verse and the connotations concealed in between the lines. "You should probably give it a try, because I don't want to be the first," - that was just beautiful. "Rocks on cotton" and "snow on summer" was the perfect opportunity to insert some contrast and imagery - you did it amazingly. I like the question 'what if they never melted?' , it had a despairing, bottomless feel to it, like it couldn't be answered - even though you answered it in the next line. It also added to the melancholy feel.

And just to mention
you'd never see my glance again,
because where was yours
when brown velvet was to be for me?
Just to let you hang on
with salty coldness on your face
and nobody there to melt it.
Have fun trying by yourself.

I loved this last verse, it nearly made me cry. I liked the repetition of the concept of no-one being there to melt tears; that is a particular aspect which is very strong in this poem and reintroducing it in the last verse was a very good idea. 'when brown velvet was to be for me' - again, I like the abstract quality of this and the mysterious aspect of it - the fact you're not telling the reader anything. It is a bit baffling though, so maybe elaborate on it? I also liked 'salty coldness.'
And the last line was perfect. It was sad without being pathetic and ironic without being heartless.

Great work!

xxx

Im no poet or anything like that, but this almost made me cry. I'm not sure if I can even critt it very well because of that fact.

I really love the tears being like ice, and instead of just having someone there to "wipe them away" they need to be melted. Its beautiful and sad all in the same context.

So really I found nothing wrong in this, so wonderful job! I can't wait to read more.

Hey hey! So here's your well earned review my dear and I hope it helps you out a little:

First, let's take a look at that title you have. There's some wit to it and it made me smile but it was more in a 'awww, that's cute' sort of way than 'wow, that's clever!' which is fine if you're writing a cutesy poem but it doesn't really set the atmosphere for something dark and satirical. I'd suggest putting a little more thought into it. Have a more subtle pun if you want to maintain the wit or a more complex one.

Slowly disappearing into white fluff, [This isn't the most tremendous first sentence. It's a little too wordy and ordinary to be poetic. Possibly something along the lines of personification would work? Like 'Creeping stealthily through white fluff,' or 'Precarious step, step, step through opaque clouds,' which may sound completely different to what your sentence says but in the land of poetry, it's exactly the same. If you're willing to take one step into obscurity and metaphors, go ahead and take another ]
a sudden flash of ice sticks. [Now, I'm always tempted to use sudden and suddenly in my own work but as an editor I equally try to put my foot down because... why bother? What is the use of a word that slows the pace down of a sentence in order to say this happened quickly? What would actually be much more sudden and cutting is if you changed the comma at the end of the first line to a semi colon and altered your second line to something such as 'a flash of ice sticks' or even 'swiping ice sticks' which would lead better into your next line.]
Or could they have been claws? [Overly lengthy. This could quite easily be 'Or were they claws?' without losing any meaning. A fun game to play with poetry is to see how few words you can use to make the same statement.]
No Kilimanjaro this time – [An intriguing line, I like it.]
the heat of the savannah is too far away. [Capital for Savannah! And why say the? Perfect time or personification deary.]
But maybe after one blue-and-pink stripe, [Perhaps have brackets around 'after one blue-and-pink stripe,' but good line.]
maybe tomorrow. [A little too cliche for my liking but it actually fits quite smoothly so the choice to keep or remove (as is always the case actually) remains with you.]

Alright, sorry about all my rambling there but now a few general points on this stanza. It's good and there's something nice and creepy about it but it's just a touch wordy for poetry and a little halting. The thing about a stanza is that it needs to flow well and perhaps it does when you say it but there's not really enough stylized punctuation to show the reader how to say it so the words have to be played with a little before it rolls off the tongue. (Poetry should always be read aloud.)

Could tears become ice drops
flowing down someone's cheeks? [I'm going to take these two lines together because the image they create is lovely and conflicting (how might ice drops flow? Really dear!) but at the same time, it's a plain way to say something that could really have quite an impact. Now, I'd like you to think very carefully about icicles: how do they move, how do they look? In what way do tears resemble ice? Their multi-faceted appearance perhaps? Their opaque and yet distorting nature? But at the same time, keep in mind the contrast. What often found intriguing about tears is that they're warm... okay so there we go, you've done some thinking. Now write this part again and expand it to show the reason for the comparison. And after that, take a look and trim it so that it has the same meaning but is more precise and snappy. As I showed you earlier. Give it a go! (And pm me if you need a hand or a tutorial...)
You should probably give it a try, [color=red][Probably? Why the uncertainty? This would be much more effective in an angry, commanding tone. In a tone as brisk and sharp as ice.Imperatives are always fun.]
because I don't want to be the first. [And taking my previous comment into consideration, this softening would then be much more effective and contrasting.]
What if they never melted? [A little plain but refreshingly simple and clear.]
Then it would be you again,
rocks on cotton,
snow on summer... [The first is a lovely contrast. The second could be more unique while still maintaining the cold imagery. Think it through, I'm sure you'll come up with something.]

This stanza I very much liked but in part it was a little too simple compared to the vague beauty of the first. However, an expansion of the beginning will give you a good chance to play with some imagery.

And just to mention [Good opening line.]
you'd never see my glance again, [I'm not sure about the tense here. Why 'you'd never' rather than 'you'll never'? If there's a reason, fine but hint at that because it made me stumble over the line.]
because where was yours
when brown velvet was to be for me? [I love how intriguing this is and the obscurity of it is lovely.]
Just to let you hang on [Hmm. Maybe 'Just to leave you hanging' would be smoother and a little more poetic?]
with salty coldness on your face [Why salt? Yes it's what everyone uses to describe tears but think about them carefully, think about the last time you cried. In your own words, if you didn't know what they were, what would you think them?]
and nobody there to melt it.
Have fun trying by yourself. [Good last lines.]

I've not much to say about that stanza other than I liked it but I felt that your imagery could be a little bolder. Good work though and you have a potentially awesome poem overall. I say potentially because it does need some work if you want to touch every reader but it's getting there and you've taken a very average feeling or situation and made it personal and unique so good work. Feel free to pm me with questions and I hope this helps somewhat, sorry it took a while,

Heather xx

Hi Demeter. What a lovely poem you have here, I liked it a lot.
I'm with Castlesinthesky on this one, your title is very witty indeed - very eye catching too.

Slowly disappearing into white fluff,
a sudden flash of icicles.

A Genius opening couplet! I really enjoyed the pathetic fallacy being used to juxtapose too moods. To me it's almost like you're contradicting the wholesome light-hearted notion of snow. Nice.

No Kilimanjaro this time –
the heat of Savannah is too far away.

I must confess, I don't really understand the significance of this couplet... Perhaps it might be an idea to remove them, as they add little to the overall feel of the poem.

Could tears become ice drops
flowing down someones cheeks?

Beautiful

Go ahead, give it a try –
because I don't want to be the first.
What if they never melted?
Then it would be you again,
rocks on cotton,
snow on summer...

Right once again, we've strayed into the world of the absurd. I get the feeling that some of this stanza is said, or thought. If so, put it in italics, it would make life a bit easier for the reader.

Have fun trying by yourself.

Very clever. This closing line is very bitter, which links in nicely with the theme of coldness - as well as your title, which is also very snide.

Over all, very well done.
I really enjoyed this poem, even though I didn't understand it in parts.

Love
Kris
x

*huggles* I’m never too busy to do a review for my lovely Demi.

This is pretty, and pretty simple, which you may have been going for, but if you want more depth and to provoke more serious emotions, put a little more thought into it, tone down the wordiness, and any words or sentences that seem, well, fluffy, will need to be revised. Like I say, only if what you have isn’t what you intended—simple, a little sad, and sweet (nothing wrong with that).

Slowly disappearing into white fluff, I have to say it’s not the best first line I’ve come across. It doesn’t really draw you in, which is the job of the first line in a poem, like the first paragraph of a book. The word ‘fluff’ in particular, after reading the rest, doesn’t seem to match the tone of the poem, so it doesn’t give the right impression. But besides that, the words are a little ordinary and obvious. A little personification or some other kind of metaphor perhaps?
a sudden flash of icicles. The word ‘sudden’ is a lazy habit everybody loves to get into. It’s so much easier than portraying the suddenness. That’s the beauty of punctuation. Rather then telling us it was sudden, you could do something like this: “Slowly disappearing into white fluff— a flash of icicles.” The word flash itself does a good job of giving us a picture.
Or could they have been claws? That’s a bit wordy; it weighs things down. Even something as brief as “Or claws?” would do nothing to detract from the meaning, though I’m not saying you have to shorten it that much.
No Kilimanjaro this time – Good line
the heat of Savannah is too far away. Interesting…
But maybe after one blue-and-pink stripe, I think I’d put ‘after one blue-and-pink stripe’ in parenthesis, or between dashes? It sets it off and emphasizes the repeat of ‘maybe,’ which I think is a nice touch, by the way.
maybe tomorrow.

The flow of this stanza is a bit choppy, a bit halting. You have a lot of stopping places, where things should actually merge together as you’re reading. Did you ever try reading this aloud? That always helps me a lot when I’m working on getting the rhythm just right.

Could tears become ice dropscomma
flowing down someone's cheeks? Ice drops? The idea I get there isn’t really what would flow down one’s cheeks. If you want to have the idea of tears freezing on the face, wouldn’t they instead stop? But in general tears are warm. You ask the question, “Could they?” Maybe expand that idea a bit and go into the contrast of tears, and ice. They’re similar in some ways, they’re both water obviously, but they’re both cloudy, they reflect the light. Think of how they’re different also. And if there was a reason to think of tears becoming cold, does it have something to do with the first stanza? How does it relate?
Go ahead, give it a try – I can sort of see you’re going for brusque, and commanding. I think you can make it even sharper. This can still give the sort of impression that it’s meant to be encouraging, prompting, not demanding. Maybe, “I want you to give it a try.” Or “You should give it a try.” Something that eliminates that opening phrase which seems a bit too gentle: “Go ahead” or “go on.”
because I don't want to be [s]the[/s] first. [color=green]I think this could be more firm as well. Like, “because I won’t be first” or ‘go first’ maybe.
Or if you’re going for contrast, you could make this softer, almost pleading: “because I can’t be first.”
What if they never melted? [color=green]To connect this better with the last line, maybe put a dash at the end of that last line? “Because I won’t be first— what if they never melted?”
Then it would be you again, [color=green]What would?
rocks on cotton, This is a very good line. Unique imagery.
snow on summer... This goes back to the cold kind of picture, but I think you could do it with more unique language.

These lines are a little plain, but with more description on the beginning, and perhaps a bit of expanded description in the last line as well, I think it would make the middle’s clarity very pleasant.

And just to mention How come there’s an ‘and’?
you'd never see my glance again, Why’s that? Maybe “you’ll” never see my glance again?
because where was yours
when brown velvet was to be for me? Obscure lines like this, and the Kilimanjaro line, they’re wonderful. I also like how well this line blends with the last one, as one sentence. There’s a nice rhythm, while at the same time it reads almost like a sentence in a story. It’s lovely.
Just to leave you hanging
with a frosty mask on your face [color=green]There aren’t a lot of words and descriptions for cold, are there? What if here you used a simile? You’re obviously referencing tears again, what if it were something like, “with tears leaving chilly tracks” “tears like a mask of freezing glass” or anything in that vein. You may come up with a better one than I.
and nobody there to melt it. [color=green]You don’t finish the idea of this sentence. “Just to leave you hanging [/i]what[/i]” It’s essentially a fragment, of a kind that doesn’t work.
Have fun trying by yourself.

I couldn’t make head or tail of the verb tenses in this stanza, really just the first sentence I guess. I don’t know if there was a reason for the tenses you used, but if there was, give us an idea in the poem; I’m kind of in the dark about it.


There’s so much in this poem, the content is full and deep. The thoughts and ideas are all there, it’s just the expression of them that needs work. This is more than potentially exceptional; it’s already unusual—meaning, it’s unique. There’s not a situation or emotion that hasn’t been thought of and written about; it’s all in how you do it. And you’re doing wonderfully.

Good luck! If you have other questions about it, PM me.

Once again, your work has caught my eye. I must say, you're a very good writer. However, I'm confused about the "blue-and-pink line". Try as I might, I just can't figure out what it may be. The atmosphere of the poem was a bit informal, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Were you going for informal?

Hey Demeter,

here's your crit as promised. For you, always.

However I fear that I'm not going to be a whole lot of help with this, especially not on the technical side.
I do have a few comments and things to think about for you though. Some of it are just musings, though.

First off I thought you concentrated a lot on the visual aspects, but I imagine this could be stronger if you took some of the other senses into account as well. Make it more than a picture. Just something you could experiment with, not a necessity though.


Slowly nestling against white fluff,
a quick flash of icicles.
Or could they have been claws?

I'd think about using a dash instead of a comma at the end of the first line. It's more abrupt, just like the quick flash of icicles is abrupt to the white fluff.

No Kilimanjaro this time –
the heat of Savannah is too far away.

I find these two lines very intruiging, because they do two things a) they're a wonderful metaphor and b) they make the poem more enjoyable to readers with a little knowledge, because it connects to something from a different field, which is always good, because it keep people alert and gets their brain activated.

But maybe after one blue-and-pink stripe,
maybe tomorrow.

Sweet and sad, but compared to the rest kind of hopeful. Since the titel says "Have an Ice Day" a change in weather the next day seems possible, but not at all probable.

Could tears become ice drops
flowing down someone's cheeks?

Maybe play with our senses a bit at this point. Also I'm not so sure about the flowing. I take it you mean that the tears turn to ice while they're flowing down someone's cheeks, but it sounds like the ice drops are flowing. Maybe think about what it would feel like to have tears freeze on your face?

Go ahead, give it a try –
because I won't go first.
What if they never melted?
Then it would be you again,
rocks on cotton,

stitches on summer... I'm not so sure about the stitches. It's a completely new image that doesn't really seem to fit.

And just to mention
you'll never see my glance again,
because where was yours
when brown velvet was to be for me?
Just to leave you hanging

I don't know whether you can really see someone's glance, but other than that I liked this part.

with frosty slits on your face

This I love, because you have a feeling to it. frosty slits says two things: a) It's cold and b) those frozen tracks of tears are hurting your skin. I can feel them. A little, I don't think you need much, more of that would be good in my eyes.

and nobody there to melt them. A little too plain compared to the rest.
Have fun trying by yourself. Good final line.


That's about all I could find. I did like this. You have some wonderful images and gave me something to think about. My main criticism would be bringing in the other senses a little bit more.

Hope this helped you at least a little bit.

Keep it up!

All the best,
~Kalliope

Slowly nestling against white fluff.

A flash of icicles.

Or maybe they were claws?

No Kilimanjaro this time –

the heat of Savannah is too far away.

But maybe after one coral stroke,

maybe tomorrow.

Very deep, Although I feel that the first line does seem to contradict the tone to the rest of the poem. I don't see the use of it being there. It really doesn't interest the reader, and you want to do that because well, overall the poem was good. It was also alot wordier (If it previously was not a word, it now is) than the other lines in this poems. Maybe if you took it out?

Could tears become ice drops

clasping someone's cheeks?

Go ahead, give it a try –

because I won't go first.

What if they never melted?

Then it would be you again,

rocks on cotton,

stings on summer...

Usually, questions aren't that good to be used in poems, but its okay here I guess. I dont like the line after the question, the second one, because I don't really understand it. (but that is probably just me) Interesting last two lines. Unique way to describe something.

And just to mention

you'll never see my glance again,

because where was yours

when brown velvet was to be for me?

Just to leave you hanging

with frosty slits on your face

and nobody there to melt them.

Have fun trying by yourself.

Hmm...I'm going to be nitpicky here and say that i think that you should put a comma after yours on the third line in this stanza. I like the first two lines, even though I might find them a little cliched. I've often heard lines like that found within a song or poem. (Or I may be reading to much romance again) Interesting and a great way to end the poem with that last line.

Sorry, if the review wasn't much help. I couldn't find anything new to say thats not already been said. I think that overall you might want to work on the beat. Everything else seems fine. Good luck with your writing. Practice makes perfect!

~Alyss