untitled ( the raid maybe) -part one

hey guys!
thanks for the comments below! really help where i typed to quickly and didnt check SORRY!!!!
please leave a comment to say if once again there is something wrong!
please tell me your opinions!
thanks
EY!


* * * * *


I put my gun against the back of his neck and my arm round his head, and pushed forward to make him walk again.
“Crazy bitch!” he snarled
“Shut your trap!” I snapped back
We walked down the corridor when I heard Jim deep voice scream
“Everyone get your asses down to the common room now!!!”
He too had someone captive but instead his hands were in their hair and were pulling them from behind. The Captive was stumbling about trying not to fall over the many books and bags all over the floor. I knew we should have done this while they were all doing their homework, not just before!
The atmosphere was chaotic. People running past us down to the common room, people trying in vain to hide from us, but we would find them we always did.
We turned a corner and found sue by our side.
Sue was the type of person you could never have imagined to do this sort of job. It was the way she looked. Her mid-length blond hair was perfectly straight and she was rather short for her age. She looked like she was the type of person who would do charity work, not breaking into boarding houses. She was about 15 when she joined the “Agency” because they contacted her because she had a “Gift” is what they called it. Everyone who worked for them had some form of “Gift”. All of our team members had very strong gifts. When Sue joined, she could influence people to do the most extraordinary things, but now she had even more.
“How many are up there?” she asked
“I’d say about another 20, but didn’t get a decent look because of this guy.” I said while I dug my gun in a little more. The boy grunted a bit more but I didn’t take the gun away.
“He decided it would be funny to chuck glasses at me, not funny now is it.” I said while gritting my teeth.
The boy’s face was slit where I had lobbed a glass lying by my side at his face. It had been so powerful that it had sent him to the ground and all of his friends run to the common room with fright.
We came to a large queue of people pushing through to get into the common room, but me and sue shoved everyone passed us and made it into the common room. People were everywhere. Sitting on the floor, being yelled at, some even sitting on the top of the old piano.
I dragged the boy to the front with the other rebelers were and pushed him to the floor then tied him back to back with sues.
I felt a friendly tap on my shoulder. I turned my head and smiled. It was Zax, my main partner and best friend.
His mid length light brown hair flicked in different places, and covered his forehead was in a state like usual. His bright green eyes that you could drown in looked at me and his mouth in a smile. What could I ever do without him? The only reason I was here instead of being at home with my ill sister was because he asked me to come. Whatever he asked me to do, most of the time I did. But it worked both ways, if I asked him to do it, he would always do it.
“There’s no more up stairs I’ve just checked. How’s your arm?” he asked with a smile
I had completely forgotten about my arm. Everything had been too chaotic, but now thinking about it the pain caught up with me. The clean slit in my right arm wasn’t too deep but deep enough to hurt for a while after this. When we first raided the boarding house, I clambered through the bathroom window and found a group of people smoking. The largest boy then got out a pen knife and had struck me. He was now lying unconscious on the bathroom floor and was probably going to stay like that for about the next 5 hours.
“Still hurts, I should have been more careful.”
“Hey don’t say that.” He took hold of my good arm “Anyone could have made that mistake.”
I looked at him in his eyes, I could tell he was trying to make me feel better about myself and it was working, he always made me feel better.
I gave him a smile and got one back. We just stayed in that position and kept eye contact for about a minute. So much had happened between us, brought up together at birth. We were friends from the beginning and had been ever since. I couldn’t imagine life without him. We did everything with each other. Both of our older brothers had died together to save both of us. It made me shudder to even think about it. I didn’t want to open the box that had been locked for a year now. Had it really been that long? It only seemed like yesterday when… no I don’t even want to think about it. Not now in the middle on an assailment.
The pressure, not on my arm anymore made me come out of my thought. He was still looking at me but then turned away to go help Reece with one of the rebels who had tried to clamber out of the window.
“Right then, maybe not all of you know why you’re here, but at least 5 of you do. You going to tell us, or are we going to have to get it out of you.” Jim said this so everyone could here, in the middle while us guys made our way to the middle.
“Come on, we know who you are so are we going to do this the easy way or the hard?” I threatened.
“You do realise how cliché that sounded?” Sue whispered to me so only I could hear.
“Shut up!” I whispered back.
“I guess it’s the hard way then.” Zax said
“Well isn’t this going to be fun.” Reece laughed
I flicked my hair over and re-tied it into a poni tail, while the others cracked their fingers of got out their daggers.
Jim stared to speak “As you may have realised that we aren’t here to kill you, as we would have already shot some of you for being complete asses not moving your buts into here. But anyway more onto the point, we have been sent here to find a certain group of people who aren’t who you think they are. Oh no nothing like you at all. You see they so different that they go crazy at the smell of blood.”
Then Jim did the unexpected. He got his dagger and slit his wrist.
The mood in the room changed. Some people squirmed at the sight of blood, some looked away, but then 2 ran at Jim and sent him hurtling to the floor.
The way there faces looked were as if they wanted him, his blood. There teeth looked sharp and pointed, but they moved so gracfuly, like the movements they were making had been planed out and put into a routine. one of them was in his palm because Jim was trying to push them away. Another by his sholder, with his face touching Jims skin it looked like he was smelling him. His face then got closer and closer to Jims neck.
Before any serious damage could happen we then dragged them up to their feet and all of us sent a blue electric spark through them.
“Now you have seen the real them.” Jim said while he got up and caught his breath.
The faces all around us were all showing the same emotions.
They were all terrified.

"I put my gun agents the back of his neck and my arm round his head, and trusted forward to make him walk again. We walked down the corridor while I heard Jim scream"

check your spelling it makes it really confusing: agents should be against, trusted should be pushed, just these little things should be looked into.

"common room"

"he too had some captive"

why dosnt anyone have hand cuffs? that should be a very important item

"I knew we should have come about an hour before they all came back to the boarding house, not 5 minutes after roll call."
that sentence doesnt make sense to me, i think its the " not five minutes after roll call." im pretty sure five is spelled out there.

i think the atmosphere should be a cluster f*ck because these are soldiers (im presuming) who are telling the tale.

"people running past us down to the common room, people trying in vain to hide from us."
i like the line "we would find them we always did" so keep that.

"we turned a corner and met side by side with sue."
you should just run into her once you turn a corner, everyone should jump, the scene is a mess remeber.

"he decided to throw a wet tissue at me." really? a rock, a dresser, he threw excrement at you. you can do better than a wet tissue.

oop teeth is spelled T E E th

watch the police brutality, they have to act a certain way

it can still have stuff in it cause hes a drug fiend or something

nice use of vocabulary

"I dragged the boy to the front with the other rebelers were, and handcuffed his hands just like the others had."
no were. and why did he just now decide to hancuff him?
and why are 20 rebelers just lounging around waiting to be captured?

"I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head and smiled. It was Zax, my main partner and best friend."
you can bring Zax in a different way, the characters nerves are probably too fraid and he prolly would have shot him.

"His mid length light brown hair flicked in different places, and covered his forehead was in a state like usual. His bright green eyes that you could drown in looked at me and his mouth in a smile."
this can be better described...watch your typing, "down" not drown...i hope not drown

i like the emotion in the rest of that paragraph.

“That’s them all from up stairs, how’s your arm?”
that doesnt make sense...

why didnt he shoot the person that was going to attack him?
thats up to you to change

“Painful but I’ll get over it, I should have been more careful.”
instead he should say," yeah its still there, "but again its up to you

"He took hold of my good arm"
um are they going to kiss now, he should pat him on the back

"I gave him a smile and got one back. We just stayed in that position and kept eye contact for about a minute. So much had happened between us, brought up together at birth. We were friends from the beginning and had been ever since. I couldn’t imagine life without him. We did everything with each other. Both of our older brothers had died together to save both of us. It made me shudder to even think about it. I didn’t want to open the box that had been locked for a year now. Had it really been that long? It only seemed like yesterday when… no I don’t even want to think about it. Not now in the middle on an assailment."
great use of description!!!

"The pressure not on arm"
that should be,"the pressure, no longer on my arm...."

nice dialogue!!!

i really like it, its a nice start!!!
dont feel bad about having to rewrite, the best authors do it!! sometimes over thirty times to get it right.
hope to read more!
ok goodbye

I put my gun agents the back of his neck and my arm round his head, and trusted forward to make him walk again.

This really confused me but I finally got it, check your spelling (aka do what titorelli said).

We walked down the corridor while I heard Jim scream

“EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES DOWN TO THE COMON ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!”

I think this just needs to be re-done. Maybe like 'we were walking down teh corridor when I heard Jim scream, "Everyone, get your asses down to the common room right now!!!"

He too had someone captive but instead he was pulling them behind him while his hand was tangled in their hair while dragging them with it.

This is very confusing, I would say re-do it!

The Captive was stumbling about trying not to fall over the many books and bags all over the floor. I knew we should have come about an hour before they all came back to the boarding house, not 5 minutes after roll call.

I'm confused here. What is 'roll call'?

People running pasted us down to the common room, people trying to hide but inside they knew it would be no use, we would find them we always did.

'pasted' should be 'past'

The boys’ body fell a bit but I didn’t let him fall to the ground, it would have been too much hassle.

'boys'' should be boy's. And I don't think the first fell fits it so well, it seems weird. 'too' should be 'to'

“He decided it would be funny to chuck wet tissues at me, not funny now is it.” I said while gritting my teath.

'...not funny now is it?' This is how you spell 'teeth'.


To be honest, I didn't read the whole thing. Also, sorry that I [probably] repeated everything titorelli said. There were a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes but other than that, pretty good.

googly

Once you fix all your spelling mistakes, PM me. Sorry, but it's too confusing to review, and I don't feel like deciphering anything right now.

Also, don't write in all capital letters. It get annoying. Try using exclamation marks instead.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

I was really confused at the beggining and your story still leaves a lot of questions to be answered at the moment. The main one is basically this, why on earth is this dude sticking a gun to some boys head? Even if a exact answer isn't given (which was probably your point) the only thing we know about the situation is that their in a boarding school and that they had to use force to get in, which is sort of annoying. Of course, this could be because it was such a good story and I want to read more... A bit more pysical discription of the characters wouldn't go amiss. I really like your approach on this one, please message me when you write more.

and my arm round his head,

My arm around his head.

I heard Jim deep voice scream

Did you mean: I heard Jim scream in his deep voice? Makes more sense that way.

He too had someone captive but instead his hands were in their hair and were pulling them from behind.

This is how it should be: He, too, had someone held captive, but instead, his hands were in their hair and he was pulling them from behind.

The Captive was stumbling about trying not to fall over the many books and bags all over the floor.

Comma after about.

but we would find them we always did.

Should be: but we would find them. We always did.

We turned a corner and found sue by our side.

Sue should be capitalized.

not breaking into boarding houses.

Take off the ing after breaking.

She was about 15 when she joined the “Agency” because they contacted her because she had a “Gift” is what they called it.

Okay, this statement just sounds really awkward. Try this: She was about 15 when she joined the "Agency". They contacted her because she had a "Gift", which was what they called it.

not funny now is it.”

Needs a question mark at the end.

his friends run to the common room

Should be; his friends running to the common room...

but me and sue

Again, Sue should be capitalized.

People were everywhere. Sitting on the floor,

Use a semi-colon instead of a period here.

I dragged the boy to the front with the other rebelers were and pushed him to the floor then tied him back to back with sues.

This is really hard to understand. Especially the last part. Rebelers should be rebels and "with the" should be "where".

and covered his forehead was in a state like usual.

I don't really know what you mean by this because it's phrased incorrectly, but I'm going to assume that you meant: and covered his forehead as usual.

His bright green eyes that you could drown in looked at me and his mouth in a smile.

Again, this is phrased incorrectly. Try something like this: His bright green eyes looked at me and his lips turned up in a smile.

The only reason I was here instead of being at home with my ill sister was because he asked me to come.

Take out the "being".

“There’s no more up stairs I’ve just checked. How’s your arm?”

Should be: "There's no more upstairs. I just checked..."

but now thinking about it the pain caught up with me.

How about: but as I began to think about it, the pain started to catch up with me.

The clean slit in my right arm wasn’t too deep but deep enough to hurt for a while after this.

Comma after the first deep.

So much had happened between us, brought up together at birth. We were friends from the beginning and had been ever since.

Should be: So much had happened between us. Since we were brought up together at birth, we were friends from the very beginning and had been ever since.

Not now in the middle on an assailment.

On should be of.

You going to tell us

You should be you're.

Jim said this so everyone could here

Here should be hear.

while us guys made our way to the middle.

When you say "us guys", it makes me think that the narrater is a guy. Is the narrater a guy or a girl? I'm assuming a girl because the relationship with Zax seems like a romantic one.

“You do realise how cliché that sounded?”

Realise should be realize.

I flicked my hair over and re-tied it into a poni tail, while the others cracked their fingers of got out their daggers.

Should be: I flipped my hair over my shoulder and tied it into a ponytail while the others cracked their knuckles and got out their daggers.

Jim stared to speak “As you may have realised that we aren’t here to kill you, as we would have already shot some of you for being complete asses not moving your buts into here. But anyway more onto the point, we have been sent here to find a certain group of people who aren’t who you think they are. Oh no nothing like you at all. You see they so different that they go crazy at the smell of blood.”

Alrighty, this one has a LOT of mistakes. Realised should be realized...here, I'll just rewrite it the way it should be:

Jim started to speak, "As you may have realized, we aren't here to kill you, even though we should have already shot some of you for being complete asses and not moving your butts in here. But, moving onto the point, we have been sent here to find a certain group of people who aren't who you think they are. Oh no, they are nothing like you at all. You see, they are so different that they go crazy at the smell of blood."

The way there faces looked were as if they wanted him, his blood.

They looked at him as though they wanted him, his blood.

There teeth looked sharp and pointed, but they moved so gracfuly, like the movements they were making had been planed out and put into a routine.

Their teeth were sharp and pointed, but they moved so gracefully, like the movements had been planned out and put into routine.

Another by his sholder, with his face touching Jims skin it looked like he was smelling him.

Sholder should be shoulder. Also, it would sound better this way: The way his face was touching Jim's skin made it look like he was smelling him.

His face then got closer and closer to Jims neck.

Jim's should have an apostrophe.

So it seems like your a real beginner. In this case, I highly recommend that you take the advice that is given to you so you can improve. It's just that when there are so many errors, people tend to focus more on the typos and mistakes than the actual story. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I'm sorry if it seems that way, but I think you have a lot to improve on. I think you could have a great story if you revised. PM me if you want more advice.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

I'm annoyed at the title. I refuse to read stories that don't have titles. If you don't have a good enough imagination to grab something arbitrary out of the sky, stop writing stories.

So, change the title and then maybe I'll read it.

Good luck writing.

thanks for the comments everyone, everyone but staplestoo.

sereously dude, get a life.

i could change the plot of the story so if i had a title, i would have to change it. so that is why i put untitled. i have no idea at the moment where this story is going. so ye.

but to eveyone that have taken their time to comment on this THANKYOU!
i am going to post the updated version and would be SOOOOOO apreshiated if you could go though it again or tell me your comments on it.
thankyou!

Whatever1274

xxxx


I put my gun against the back of his neck and my arm around his head, and pushed forward to make him walk again.
“Crazy bitch!” he snarled
“Shut your trap!” I snapped back
We walked down the corridor when I heard Jims scream in his deep voice.
“Everyone get your asses down to the common room now!!!”
He, too, had someone held captive, but instead, his hands were in their hair and he was pulling them from behind. The Captive was stumbling about, trying not to fall over the many books and bags all over the floor. I knew we should have done this while they were all doing their homework, not just before!
The atmosphere was chaotic. People running past us down to the common room, people trying in vain to hide from us, but we would find them. We always did.
We turned a corner and found Sue by our side.
Sue was the type of person you could never have imagined to do this sort of job. It was the way she looked. Her mid-length blond hair was perfectly straight and she was rather short for her age. She looked like she was the type of person who would do charity work, not break into boarding houses. She was about 15 when she joined the "Agency". They contacted her because she had a "Gift", which was what they called it. Everyone who worked for them had some form of “Gift”. All of our team members had very strong gifts. When Sue joined, she could influence people to do the most extraordinary things, but now she had even more.
“How many are up there?” she asked
“I’d say about another 20, but didn’t get a decent look because of this guy.” I said while I dug my gun in a little more. The boy grunted a bit more but I didn’t take the gun away.
“He decided it would be funny to chuck glasses at me, not funny now is it?” I said while gritting my teeth.
The boy’s face was slit where I had lobbed a glass lying by my side at his face. It had been so powerful that it had sent him to the ground and all of his friends running to the common room with fright.
We came to a large queue of people pushing through to get into the common room, but Sue and I shoved everyone passed us and made it into the common room. People were everywhere, sitting on the floor, being yelled at, some even sitting on the top of the old piano.
I dragged the boy to the front where other rebels were and pushed him to the floor then tied him back to back with sues.
I felt a friendly tap on my shoulder. I turned my head and smiled. It was Zax, my main partner and best friend.
His mid length light brown hair flicked in different places, and covered his forehead was in a state like usual. His bright green eyes looked at me and his lips turned up in a smile. What could I ever do without him? The only reason I was here instead of at home with my ill sister was because he asked me to come. Whatever he asked me to do, most of the time I did. But it worked both ways, if I asked him to do it, he would always do it.
“There’s no more up stairs I just checked. How’s your arm?” he asked with a smile
I had completely forgotten about my arm. Everything had been too chaotic, but as I began to think about it, the pain started to catch up with me. The clean slit in my right arm wasn’t too deep, but deep enough to hurt for a while after this. When we first raided the boarding house, I clambered through the bathroom window and found a group of people smoking. The largest boy then got out a pen knife and had struck me. He was now lying unconscious on the bathroom floor and was probably going to stay like that for about the next 5 hours.
“Still hurts, I should have been more careful.”
“Hey don’t say that.” He took hold of my good arm “Anyone could have made that mistake.”
I looked at him in his eyes, I could tell he was trying to make me feel better about myself and it was working, he always made me feel better.
I gave him a smile and got one back. We just stayed in that position and kept eye contact for about a minute. So much had happened between us. Since we were brought up together at birth, we were best friends from the beginning and had been ever since. I couldn’t imagine life without him. We did everything with each other. Both of our older brothers had died together to save both of us. It made me shudder to even think about it. I didn’t want to open the box that had been locked for a year now. Had it really been that long? It only seemed like yesterday when… no I don’t even want to think about it. Not now in the middle of an assailment.
The pressure, not on my arm anymore made me come out of my thought. He was still looking at me but then turned away to go help Reece with one of the rebels who had tried to clamber out of the window.
“Right then, maybe not all of you know why you’re here, but at least 5 of you do. You’re going to tell us, or are we going to have to get it out of you.” Jim said this so everyone could hear, in the middle while we made our way to the middle.
“Come on, we know who you are so are we going to do this the easy way or the hard?” I threatened.
“You do realize how cliché that sounded?” Sue whispered to me so only I could hear.
“Shut up!” I whispered back.
“I guess it’s the hard way then.” Zax said
“Well isn’t this going to be fun.” Reece laughed
I flicked my hair over and re-tied it into a poni tail, while the others cracked their fingers or got out their daggers.
Jim started to speak, "As you may have realized, we aren't here to kill you, even though we should have already shot some of you for being complete asses and not moving your butts in here. But, moving onto the point, we have been sent here to find a certain group of people who aren't who you think they are. Oh no, they are nothing like you at all. You see, they are so different that they go crazy at the smell of blood."
Then Jim did the unexpected. He got his dagger and slit his wrist.
The mood in the room changed. Some people squirmed at the sight of blood, some looked away, but then 2 ran at Jim and sent him hurtling to the floor.
They look at him as if they wanted him, his blood. Their teeth were sharp and pointed, but they moved so gracefully, like the movements had been planned out and put into routine. One of them was in his palm because Jim was trying to push them away. Another by his shoulder. The way his face was touching Jim's skin made it look like he was smelling him. His face then got closer and closer to Jim’s neck.
Before any serious damage could happen we then dragged them up to their feet and all of us sent a blue electric spark through them.
“Now you have seen the real them.” Jim said while he got up and caught his breath.
The faces all around us were all showing the same emotions.
They were all terrified.