Stolen

Preface

I watched on as my younger sister stolen the one constant thing in my life.

Mother and father told me I should be happy that my sister was marrying a man with a fortune so she will be well taken care of.

He was my best friend and my secret love, but I let him slipped thourgh my finger by not saying anything.

Unable to watched the ceremony, I glanced down on my clutching hands and remembering the day she told me.

"Alicia, Alicia!" She said as she ran though the doorway of the house. Mother and I looked up from our stitching.

"Claire, no running though the house," Mother scolded.

"Sorry, Mother, but I have the most wonderful news to tell you," Claire said with a sparkle in her eyes. Mother and i looked at each other then at her.

"Well?" I asked.

"Mr. Hunter has proposed to me and I said yes," Claire cried in happiness. Mother dropped her stitching and embraced my sister as I watched them. I felt my heart break in two.

"Mr. Hunter? You mean Daniel?" I asked in a hoarse whisper. My sister pulled away from mother and went to me.

"of course. Who else would I mean?" she said, "Isn't this wonderful? I mean I have always suspected he had a crush on me, but I never knew he was....."

I sat in chair as she turned to mother. I toned out their conversation. I stared in to nothingness, thinking how I lost my best friend.

I looked up from my hand and watched the newly married couple kiss. As I watched them, I couldn't help but think that my sister had stolen the thing that meant the most to me.

~~~~~~

hey, guys. i need you help deciding on a title. i don't feel that this title fits. So help me come up with a new one. Please.

Unable to watched the ceremony, I glanced down on my clutching hands and remembering the day she told me.

I think you mean 'watch' and not 'watched.'

There were a few grammar (or typos) in there, like having the begining of a sentance not capitalized or not capitalizing an 'I' or whatever.

I liked it though!

Nice job and keep up the good work,

googly

I think you could reword the first line a bit, because it doesn't sound quite right to say "the one constant thing in my life," if she has a secret love. A few other minor mistakes, but overall, a good start. I think the title fits it perfectly fine. However, I have difficulty seeing how this could become a full-length story, and the plot so far is seems a bit cliche. Hope to see more soon!

Denj:

i will try to make it uncliche.


googly:

thanks for reading it and spotting my grammar mistakes. i will fix them when i have the time.

I watched on as my younger sister stolen the one constant thing in my life.

Okay, Bri. This is kind of a dry beginning to a preface. I feel like there's something missing, here. Try something like this...My (pick a color) eyes lingered upon my sister's figure and I saw the happiness float around her. I couldn't help but ponder that she had unknowingly taken the most precious thing in my life. The thing that I couldn't help but not love. -- Okay, maybe that was too long. But try something like that.

Mother and father told me I should be happy that my sister was marrying a man with a fortune so she will be well taken care of.

Yeah, well your MC should be. I have to ask what's the MC's sister's husband's title? I mean like a Duke, Viscount, Earl,...

He was my best friend and my secret love, but I let him slipped thourgh my finger by not saying anything.

It's through.

"Alicia, Alicia!" She said as she ran though the doorway of the house. Mother and I looked up from our stitching.

Alicia. I like that name.

"Sorry, Mother, but I have the most wonderful news to tell you," Claire said with a sparkle in her eyes. Mother and i looked at each other then at her.

Capitalize the i...to I.

I felt my heart break in two.

Instead of that simple sentence, add something more emotional. For instance...S[i]lowly her words tore apart my heart in two. I felt my life drain out of me and the one thing I was trying to aim for was gone forever. -- Okay, maybe not that cheesy.

"of course. Who else would I mean?" she said, "Isn't this wonderful? I mean I have always suspected he had a crush on me, but I never knew he was....."

Capitalize the O in Of. Oh, just a little fact. I don't they used "crush" back then. Try attractive.

I sat in chair as she turned to mother. I toned out their conversation. I stared in to nothingness, thinking how I lost my best friend.[/i]

After conversation add as between that word and I. And into should be placed together.

I looked up from my hand and watched the newly married couple kiss. As I watched them, I couldn't help but think that my sister had stolen the thing that meant the most to me.

Before you start this sentence you might want a way for the reader to understand that you're bringing this back to the present. Try...My thoughts of that day slowly drifted away... and then start with I looked.
~~~~~~

hey, guys. i need you help deciding on a title. i don't feel that this title fits. So help me come up with a new one. Please.

I can't think of one at the moment but when I do I will let you know.

Well, Bri. Is this just it? I know that it's a preface, but where's chapter one? You can't just leave us, readers, hanging here. Pm me when you do post chapter 1.

-Merry

~Oh, if you don't know what the titles are, you can pm me for them for help.~

Good Start. Besides the few grammar mistakes that are already pointed out, I can see no others. So good job on the grammar. It can be a bit confusing, especially where she is thinking about when her sister said she was marrying him, and then it goes to the wedding. I think that could have been done a bit differently, but that may just be me. I like the names you chose for the story they fit well. And maybe you could clarify why the man has such a fortune. And I will say again, good start. I am hoping to see more about this.

Hey, Bri. I'm sorry that I've neglected your work like I have.

Hopefully this critique makes up for it

Night Mistress wrote:Preface

I watched on as my younger sister [s]stolen[/s] stole the one constant thing in my life.

Mother and father told me I should be happy that my sister was marrying a man with a fortune so she will be well taken care of.

He was my best friend and my secret love, but I let him [s]slipped[/s] slip thourgh my finger by not saying anything.

Unable to watched the ceremony, I glanced down on my clutching hands and remembering the day she told me.

"Alicia, Alicia!" [s]She[/s] lowercase "s" on "she" said as she ran though the doorway of the house. Mother and I looked up from our stitching.

"Claire, no running though the house," Mother scolded.

"Sorry, Mother, but I have the most wonderful news to tell you," Claire said with a sparkle in her eyes. Mother and i looked at each other then at her.

"Well?" I asked.

"Mr. Hunter has proposed to me and I said yes," Claire cried in happiness. Mother dropped her stitching and embraced my sister as I watched them. I felt my heart break in two.

"Mr. Hunter? You mean Daniel?" I asked in a hoarse whisper. My sister pulled away from mother and went to me.

"of course. Who else would I mean?" she said, "Isn't this wonderful? I mean I have always suspected he had a crush on me, but I never knew he was....." Only have three (...) here

I sat in chair as she turned to mother. I toned out their conversation. I stared [s]in to[/s] into nothingness, thinking how I lost my best friend.

I looked up from my hand and watched the newly married couple kiss. As I watched them, I couldn't help but think that my sister had stolen the thing that meant the most to me.

~~~~~~

hey, guys. i need you help deciding on a title. i don't feel that this title fits. So help me come up with a new one. Please.

I actually like the title, Bri. I think it fits well

I see that you have started another gold star worthy piece. I like the prologue. However, I do think you could have added more to the dramatic side here. Make it more emotional so the reader feels for your MC, you know?

Otherwise, wonderful job!