I'm a kinda rookie writer and I need a review for my first complete story. Could someone please help???
Thanks a lot!!!
lulu_word_6x9.docChapter 1
Sitting alone on a bench in the back of the classroom, I was longing for the sweet, sweet days of April and May. They were absolute paradise compared to the dull, dreary classrooms. Hang on, I don’t really mean it. It’s just that here at Dahlia High School, I happen to be a misfit. Not academically speaking though. Refer me to any of the teachers and they’ll be singing my praises. I mean that I’m a misfit in the fashion world of Dahlia High.
I knew I would never fit in the moment I stepped through the polished sunshiny doors. People stared at me like I was from another planet or simply snickered as I passed by. Why? My dress sense. I had a few stylish clothes but mostly I just went around in my favourite faded pair of blue jeans and a white T-shirt with bottlenose dolphins on it.
In class, things didn’t improve either. I was treated like I had the plague. No one wanted to sit near me. I had to sit way at the back of the classroom, with a desk that seemed just like me, dull, dirt brown, standing out a mile from the other multicoloured desks that were occupied by future style queens and jocks.
But I still dreaded going to that place. Being the only misfit, the non-fashion girl, the freak. I didn’t have a single friend obviously. Until that fateful day, on December 1st, 2006…
A shy figure sidled in, more like a pale wisp of smoke rather than a person. Ms. Quentin pulled the figure to her side and chirped, “This is your new classmate Sally! Say hi everybody!” Nobody said a word. Ms. Quentin tried to make up for our silence by hugging Sally closer to her. “Now why don’t you go sit next to Rebecca, there at the back?” She pointed at the twin desk next to mine. Sally meekly obeyed.
She seemed to float along the aisle in between the desks. Other kids blanched or pretended to vomit as she passed them. But I stared at her, enthralled by her smoke-like appearance. The gray hooded sweater and faded dirty-white jeans she wore contributed even more to her wispy figure
Chapter 1
Sitting alone on a bench in the back of the classroom, I was longing for the sweet, sweet days of April and May. They were absolute paradise compared to the dull, dreary classrooms. Hang on, I don’t really mean it. It’s just that here at Dahlia High School, I happen to be a misfit. Not academically speaking though. Refer me to any of the teachers and they’ll be singing my praises. I mean that I’m a misfit in the fashion world of Dahlia High.
(I don’t like this opening. You need something that will catch my attention a bit more.)
I knew I would never fit in the moment I stepped through the polished sun-shiny doors. People stared at me like I was from another planet or simply snickered as I passed by. Why? My dress (fashion?) sense. I had a few stylish clothes but mostly I just went around in my favourite faded pair of blue jeans and a white T-shirt with Bottlenose dolphins on it. But in Dahlia, (You don’t need the comma. Don’t start going comma-crazy like me.) my outfit screamed This kid has no dress (fashion?) sense! The worst moment was of my first day when I went to my locker. Three stylish, fashionable things from the ninth grade with hot pink highlights confronted me. The leader of that monstrous trio slammed me against the metal lockers lining the hallways and whispered in a poisonous hiss, “Hey new kid, in case you don’t know, you’re a freak.” Now, (You don’t need the comma.) that alone would have been enough to make my day terrible no matter what happened and it probably occurred to her too. (<This is a run-on, I think.) But she only left after making my day even worse. “You don’t belong here!” Then she sent me sprawling on the floor and left with her blonde-haired goons.
In class, things didn’t improve either. I was treated like I had the plague. No one wanted to sit near me. I had to sit way at the back of the classroom, with a desk that seemed just like me, dull, dirt brown, standing out a mile from the other multi-coloured desks that were occupied by future style queens and jocks.
My teachers were nice enough, and I knew I had built a reputation in the teacher’s lounge at the end of the day. To put it simply? Let’s just say that most of the fashion kids at Dahlia were all style, no substance. So my academic performance was pretty much safe.
But I still dreaded going to that place. Being the only misfit, the non-fashionable girl, the freak. I didn’t have a single friend obviously. Until that fateful day, on December 1st, 2006…
* * *
I was stuck at that old brown desk of mine, waiting for the teacher to come in. It was only then that I noticed that my only companion at Dahlia had a twin, right next to it. That desk! It was an exact duplicate of mine. All brown and dull. It cheered me up though, because it seemed like I had gained a new friend. Or rather my desk had. But why hadn’t it been there yesterday? A new desk was put into a class only if…
Then the door creaked open and Ms. Quentin the math teacher walked in. Now teachers should be respected at all times (at least in front of them, people say all kinds of things behind their backs), but my classmates were utter failures when it came to greeting the staff. There was a chorus of things like, “Yo teach!” “Hey Ms. QT!” “Hey teacher of dweeb art.” (The last remark came from the Scanz twins, and it didn’t seem to be directed only at Ms. Quentin as they turned to look at me with sneers on their faces) I ignored them and said above the din, “Good morning, Ms. Quentin.” Ms. Quentin chirped above the din, “Yes everyone, good morning, good morning. Now before we begin class, I have something to say.”
Everyone stiffened. What was the announcement? Was it a trip to the museum? A school prom? A shopping spree at the expense of the school? (Personally, I felt the last two guesses were pretty improbable. The school is kinda (This is informal. Maybe kind of a would be better?) cheapskate. But I like going to the museum. “What is it Ms. Q?” “Please tell us!” (A lot of fluttering eyelashes here) “I WANNA KNOW!” (My ears! Of the agony!) The whole class was either out of their seats or standing on their desks. I might have died of laughter at the way they anticipated the news. (I was really hoping that they’d be disappointed, their reaction would’ve been hilarious) This is a good description of Rebecca's personality.
“Alright, alright, I’ll tell you,” Ms. Quentin trilled. She had a voice like the shrillest bird in the world, tripled. “You are going to have… a new classmate!” There was a moment of stunned silence. The same thought was running through everyone’s mind. Where is this mystery kid? (Along with the usual What is he or she wearing? Does he or she listen to my favourite band? Will I die of shame if the new kid is dressed better than I am?)
“Oh, yes, um…dear, you can come in now!” Ms. Quentin called out to someone in the hallway. A shy figure sidled in, more like a pale wisp of smoke rather than a person.(Very good detail.) Ms. Quentin pulled the figure to her side and chirped, “This is your new classmate, Sally! Say hi everybody!” Nobody said a word. Ms. Quentin tried to make up for our silence by hugging Sally closer to her. “Now why don’t you go sit next to Rebecca, there at the back?” She pointed at the twin desk next to mine. Sally meekly obeyed.
She seemed to float along the aisle in between the desks. Other kids blanched or pretended to vomit as she passed them. But I stared at her, enthralled by her smoke-like appearance. The gray hooded sweater and faded dirty-white jeans she wore contributed even more to her wispy figure. She finally reached the desk next to me and sat down. Now that the spotlight was off her, Ms. Quentin turned to the lesson. “Now, as a continuation from yesterday’s chapter, we shall be doing division of improper fractions…” But that day, I gave math only half of my attention. The other part of my mind was on that mysterious kid Sally. Then I shook myself I went back to my math problems. But I know one thing for sure. I had to talk to her at recess.
* * *
The recess bell sounded and Ms. Sandra left the class. All the jocks and self-appointed fashion queens left the class, slouching, starting their endless fashion talks with a “Wassup dude!” or “I think that dress that that new kid is wearing is sooooo not…” All drivel, I thought. But then again, that’s what they are. All useless, dirt spouting drivel. I was almost in my thoughts of cursing those senseless jerks when I noticed Sally walking out of the school’s back doors. I quickly followed her.
As I pushed the gold double doors open, I almost fainted at what I saw. The other stupid kids of Dahlia would never have seen this. I was ready to bet that they hadn’t. It was an autumn wonderland here. Pine, maple and oak trees shed their bright leaves on the ground, forming a carpet of red, orange, yellow and green. This is an excellent example of a good equality with showing and telling the reader. Excellent detail. I was so overwhelmed with what I saw that I almost had a heart attack when someone said, “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
I whirled around and saw Sally standing behind me, her hood still over her head. That was the first time I saw her face clearly. She had startling gray eyes, a sharp nose and deathly white skin. There was an everlasting smile on her lips. Now those lips moved. “Shall we look around a bit?” I nodded, still in a daze and followed her as she drifted through the maze of colour.
Sally stopped abruptly at a huge pine. I nearly bumped into her but stopped myself just in time. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. “Nothing,” she replied. “But look there!” She pointed at the base of the tree. Then I saw it.
Shielded by ferns, there was a fairly large hollow at the base of the pine. As we moved closer, we realized that it was not caused by human hands, but a completely natural formation. Sally looked at me sideways, with a twinkle in her eyes. “Want to go in?” she asked. I had expected her to ask. <This is un-needed. “Okay,” I said. “Right, then I’ll go in first” Sally got down on her hands and knees and crawled inside the tree cave.
“Found anything?” I called into pitch darkness. “Yeah, I think so,” came the answer. “Have you got matches or something?” Very smart. Use a match inside a tree. “Why would I have matches?” “I…oh never mind, I found my flashlight!” That's a good thing she found that flashlight, or they would have set that tree on fire while they were inside of it. There was a click, and I saw Sally, illuminated in the light of a small flashlight. She gestured excitedly. “Come on! I think there are steps here!” “Steps?” How huge is this tree? Maybe you should mention that in the tree's description. “Just come on!” “Okay, okay.”
I stooped down and crawled into the hollow. A yellow light was flashing ahead. When I reached it, I saw Sally at the foot of these huge stairs. How could this possibly fit in this tree? Her eyes were dancing with excitement and she let the yellow beam of light stretch down the stairs. They looked old and creaky and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down there without mountain climbing equipment. “Well, do you want to go down?” Sally asked me. I wanted to say that we should be more prepared when the end-of-recess bell spared me the trouble of saying anything. Sally shrugged and sighed. “Well, tomorrow get some rope and stuff. I don’t really trust those stairs that much.” I sighed with relief and replied, “Yeah, you’re right.” And the two of us slowly trudged back to the stupid, unreal world where we were both completely ignored.
Chapter 1
Sitting alone on a bench in the back of the classroom, I was longing for the sweet, sweet days of April and May.1 They were absolute paradise compared to the dull, dreary classrooms. Hang on, I don’t really mean it. It’s just that here at Dahlia High School, I happen to be a misfit. Not academically speaking though. Refer me to any of the teachers and they’ll be singing my praises. I mean that I’m a misfit in the fashion world of Dahlia High. 2
I knew I would never fit in the moment I stepped through the polished sun-shiny doors.3 People stared at me like I was from another planet or simply snickered as I passed by.4 Why? My dress sense.5 I had a few stylish clothes but mostly I just went around in my favourite faded pair of blue jeans and a white T-shirt with Bottlenose dolphins on it.6 But in Dahlia,7 my outfit screamed8 This kid has no dress sense!same as 5 The worst moment was of9 my first day when I went to my locker. Three stylish, fashionable things from the ninth grade with hot pink highlights confronted me. The leader of that monstrous trio slammed me against the metal lockers lining the hallways and whispered in10 a poisonous hiss, “Hey new kid, in case you don’t know, you’re a freak.” Now, 11 that alone would have been enough to make my day terrible no matter what happened and it probably occurred to her too. 12 But she only left after making my day even worse. “You don’t belong here!” Then she sent me sprawling on the floor and left with her blonde-haired goons.13
In class, things didn’t improve either. I was treated like I had the plague.14 No one wanted to sit near me. I had to sit way at the back of the classroom, with a desk that seemed just like me, dull, dirt brown, standing out a mile from the other multi-coloured desks that were occupied by future style queens and jocks.
My teachers were nice enough, and I knew I had built a reputation in the teacher’s lounge at the end of the day. To put it simply?15 Let’s just say that most of the fashion kids at Dahlia were all style, no substance.16 So my academic performance was pretty much safe.
But I still dreaded going to that place. Being the only misfit, the non-fashionable girl, the freak.17 I didn’t have a single friend obviously. Until that fateful day, on December 1st, 2006… 18
* * *
I was stuck at that old brown desk of mine, waiting for the teacher to come in. It was only then that I noticed that my only companion at Dahlia had a twin, right next to it. That desk! It was an exact duplicate of mine. All brown and dull. It cheered me up though, because it seemed like I had gained a new friend. Or rather my desk had.19 But why hadn’t it been there yesterday? A new desk was put into a class only if…
Then the door creaked open and Ms. Quentin the math teacher walked in. Now20 teachers should be respected at all times (at least in front of them, people say all kinds of things behind their backs), but my classmates were utter failures when it came to greeting the staff. There was a chorus of things like, “Yo teach!” “Hey Ms. QT!” “Hey teacher of dweeb art.” (The last remark came from the Scanz twins, and it didn’t seem to be directed only at Ms. Quentin as they turned to look at me with sneers on their faces) I ignored them and said above the din, “Good morning, Ms. Quentin.” Ms. Quentin chirped above the din, “Yes everyone, good morning, good morning. Now21 before we begin class, I have something to say.”
Everyone stiffened. What was the announcement? Was it a trip to the museum? A school prom? A shopping spree at the expense of the school? (Personally, I felt the last two guesses were pretty improbable. The school is kinda 22 cheapskate. But I like going to the museum. “What is it Ms. Q?” “Please tell us!” (A lot of fluttering eyelashes here) “I WANNA KNOW!” (My ears! Of the agony!)23 The whole class was either out of their seats or standing on their desks. I might have died of laughter at the way they anticipated the news. (I was really hoping that they’d be disappointed, their reaction would’ve been hilarious) 24
“Alright, alright, I’ll tell you,” Ms. Quentin trilled. She had a voice like the shrillest bird in the world, tripled. “You are going to have… a new classmate!” There was a moment of stunned silence. The same thought was running through everyone’s mind. Where is this mystery kid? (Along with the usual What is he or she wearing? Does he or she listen to my favourite band? Will I die of shame if the new kid is dressed better than I am?)
“Oh, yes, um…dear, you can come in now!” Ms. Quentin called out to someone in the hallway. A shy figure sidled in, more like a pale wisp of smoke rather than a person25 Ms. Quentin pulled the figure to her side and chirped, “This is your new classmate, Sally! Say hi everybody!” Nobody said a word. Ms. Quentin tried to make up for our silence by hugging Sally closer to her. “Now why don’t you go sit next to Rebecca, there at the back?” She pointed at the twin desk next to mine. Sally meekly obeyed.
She seemed to float along the aisle in between the desks. Other kids blanched or pretended to vomit as she passed them. But I stared at her, enthralled by her smoke-like appearance. The gray hooded sweater and faded dirty-white jeans she wore contributed even more to her wispy figure. She finally reached the desk next to me and sat down. Now that the spotlight was off her, Ms. Quentin turned to the lesson. “Now, as a continuation from yesterday’s chapter, we shall be doing division of improper fractions…” But that day, I gave math only half of my attention. The other part of my mind was on that mysterious kid Sally. Then I shook myself I went back to my math problems. But I know one thing for sure. I had to talk to her at recess. 26
* * *
The recess bell sounded and Ms. Sandra left the class. All the jocks and self-appointed fashion queens left the class, slouching, starting their endless fashion talks with a “Wassup dude!” or “I think that dress that that new kid is wearing is sooooo not…” All drivel, I thought. But then again, that’s what they are. All useless, dirt spouting drivel. I was almost in my thoughts of cursing those senseless jerks when I noticed Sally walking out of the school’s back doors. I quickly followed her.
As I pushed the gold double doors open, I almost fainted at what I saw. The other stupid kids of Dahlia would never have seen this. I was ready to bet that they hadn’t. It was an autumn wonderland here. Pine, maple and oak trees shed their bright leaves on the ground, forming a carpet of red, orange, yellow and green. 27. I was so overwhelmed with what I saw that I almost had a heart attack when someone said, “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
I whirled around and saw Sally standing behind me, her hood still over her head. That was the first time I saw her face clearly. She had startling gray eyes, a sharp nose and deathly white skin. There was an everlasting smile on her lips. Now those lips moved. “Shall we look around a bit?” I nodded, still in a daze and followed her as she drifted through the maze of colour.
Sally stopped abruptly at a huge pine. I nearly bumped into her but stopped myself just in time. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. “Nothing,” she replied. “But look there!” She pointed at the base of the tree. Then I saw it.
Shielded by ferns, there was a fairly large hollow at the base of the pine. As we moved closer, we realized that it was not caused by human hands, but a completely natural formation. Sally looked at me sideways, with a twinkle in her eyes. “Want to go in?” she asked. I had expected her to ask. 28 “Okay,” I said. “Right, then I’ll go in first” Sally got down on her hands and knees and crawled inside the tree cave.
“Found anything?” I called into pitch darkness. “Yeah, I think so,” came the answer. “Have you got matches or something?” Very smart. Use a match inside a tree. “Why would I have matches?” “I…oh never mind, I found my flashlight!” That's a good thing she found that flashlight, or they would have set that tree on fire while they were inside of it. There was a click, and I saw Sally, illuminated in the light of a small flashlight. She gestured excitedly. “Come on! I think there are steps here!” “Steps?” 29 “Just come on!” “Okay, okay.”
I stooped down and crawled into the hollow. A yellow light was flashing ahead. When I reached it, I saw Sally at the foot of these huge stairs. How could this possibly fit in this tree? Her eyes were dancing with excitement and she let the yellow beam of light stretch down the stairs. They looked old and creaky and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down there without mountain climbing equipment. “Well, do you want to go down?” Sally asked me. I wanted to say that we should be more prepared when the end-of-recess bell spared me the trouble of saying anything. Sally shrugged and sighed. “Well, tomorrow get some rope and stuff. I don’t really trust those stairs that much.” I sighed with relief and replied, “Yeah, you’re right.” And the two of us slowly trudged back to the stupid, unreal world where we were both completely ignored. 30
and your grammar was almost impeccable You had a few redundant words and uneccessary phrases but overall this was really good I like this as a start, and only have a few issues with it, which I've listed below It was a good first chapter though, and I look forward to reading more You would prefer a critique giving you the good parts and bad parts of your story more than one just giving the good parts, wouldn't you? Otherwise how would you improve? 
and whispered a poisonous hiss]
I was treated like I had the plague
I was treated like the plague
all style, no substance
Being the only misfit. The non fashionable girl. The freak.
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