Snowflakes

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This is another entry for her contest. Of course I will only submit one. My other entry is called After Rain.


No. 6

Snowflakes

I bang at the door. “Mom! Let me in! I’m sorry."
Miranda from next door is watching me; her hands tucked in her jacket pockets, hunched forward and squinting at me, trying to make out my features, in spite of the distance. She will probably tell everything to her brother Brad, who is my class. She seems to be enjoying the spectacle. I can't make out her features, but I imagine her smirking to herself. I don't like Miranda. And my dislike for her increases as she watches me; looking at me as if I am some sort of entertainment for her, as if she has the right to stare at me as much as she pleases.

I turn towards the door, my back to her. The dark sky above, the first snowflakes of the season falling around me, the late hour, my pocket-less jacket, my bare hands, all seem to taunt me. Unlike Miranda, I can't open my door and go curl up before the fire nestled in warm blankets, because I’m locked out.

“Mom!” I bang both my fists hard against the door. “Please Mom.” I yell, forcing myself not to cry. My eyes sting, and I take quick breaths to keep the tears from overflowing. I feel Miranda’s gaze on me. I turn slightly, and look at her from the corners of my eyes. I want her to go. To leave me alone. Her brother is coming down the steps of their house. He joins Miranda. I can’t go on anymore. I can’t make a show of myself in front of Brad. No, not him. I slide down against the door and sit on a step. The stone feels hard and cold and I uncomfortably try to adjust to it, squirming.

Miranda is wearing a thick black coat, with pockets. I wish I had one on. I’ve only got my light spring jacket. The neon green one. I try to fight against the cold by trying my best not to shiver and act like everything’s normal, but I can’t resist shoving my chilled knuckles in my mouth to protect them from the cruelty of the harsh weather.

I look straight ahead at the road. A woman is hurrying by pushing at a stroller. She stops and fixes the blanket in the stroller, making sure her child is warm and protected then resumes her brisk pace. She is going home probably.

Brad looks bored and he turns to go inside. Relief washes over me, warming my insides. Miranda is still standing there. I wish she would go too, so I could at least cry. I should get used to this, but I’m not. I’m already different enough being the only Indian girl living in the block. I am the only one whose brother wears a turban. It’s embarrassing. I wish I was normal. I am also the only one with the mother who locks out her thirteen year old daughter. But I'm not going to give Miranda the pleasure of seeing me cry.

'The snowflakes are soft and light, and there are millions of them falling from the sky. But the way they fall slowly, in such a melancholic mood, each one so different. I want to cry, to pity myself, but Miranda is still standing there.

“Mom, I’m sorry.” I whisper to the rough wood of the door, even though I know she can’t hear me. “Mom, I’m cold.” I can feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. They feel nice against my chilled skin. I don’t think Miranda can see my tears from such a distance. It is too dark anyways. I keep myself still and cry silently. I look up at the sky, the snow flakes floating down on the ground only to melt away. I can't make out the stars or the sky, just the flakes falling.

“I want to be normal. I want a normal family. I want to go home. Give me a normal home.” I cry, silently whispering to the sky, hoping that someone is listening to me. It’s not Mom’s fault. She’s schizophrenic. Occasionally. Very occasionally. But it has been getting more severe.

I thump my head hard against the door. Why me? Why do I have to be the one with a delusional Mother? It’s not fair. Miranda turns around and goes inside. She’s probably cold and has grown tired of watching me. I bang my head against the door again repeatedly.

“Mom!” I cry. It wasn’t always like this. Before dad and her divorced she was better off. I was better off. There was yelling, a lot of yelling but at least I never got locked out on such snowy nights. I’ve been locked out before. Many times, but never for this long.

Amit is away at a sleepover at his friends. It was only Mom and I tonight. She is alone inside the house and in one of her trances. It was my fault she got into a trance. I stressed her out. I yelled at her about being hungry. I had acted like a spoiled child. I can’t afford to act like a spoiled child. And when I went out to take the garbage out, she locked the door. She was in her trance. It’s not her fault.

A bus halts at the stop in front Miranda’s house. A middle aged man walks out. He has a folded newspaper in his hand. He walks quickly down the street. I lose sight of him soon.

She’s not going to open the door. No. She’s probably asleep. But she’s alone, and in one of her trances. I should start keeping a spare key under the mat. I’ll ask Amit to get a spare key made. I push myself up and wipe the tears away slowly. I feel empty and sad. I know where I should go. Janet was having a sleepover. She had invited me and I had refused because I had to be with Mom.

I trudge down slippery driveway slowly and walk down the street slowly. I make a right and am soon in front of Janet’s door. I stand for a while, not having the courage to knock. I don’t have a sleeping bag with me, or my toothbrush. My clothes are damp. I make a fist and softly knock on the door. I wait. No one opens the door. I can see the lights are on inside. I knock again, louder this time. I can hear footsteps behind the door. The footsteps pause. Who ever is behind the door must be looking through the peep hole. Janet opens the door.

“Hey Karina!” Janet greets. She is in her pajamas. She shivers. “Come on in. It’s really cold.”

I murmur a thank you and walk in. I take off my shoes and place them beside the row of other shoes. I notice the difference between my shoe and the other shoes. Mine are raggedy; cheap shoes from Wal Mart while the rest are all branded. I wish again for the thousandth time that day that I was normal.

Janet’s house is pleasantly warm. I always notice the frames of pictures that cover the walls in her hallway. Pictures of Janet and her family. Her normal Canadian family. They are so different from the walls at home. I walk down to the living room where all the girls are sprawled. Most of them are from my class. A hush falls over the room as they see me. They're eyes following me as I walk to the corner of the room and sit stiffly on the chair placed in front of the computer.

Jessica thinks I don’t see her as she gives Janet a questioning look. Janet ignores the look. She smiles brightly at me. “We were just talking about Brad.” Janet explains.

Lilly Waters, a mousy girl nods and squeals, “He is so cute.”

I try to smile back. Then Janet pokes me teasingly. “You are so lucky to live right beside him. You must see him everyday.”

I nod. I want to be left alone. They’re here to talk about boys. I’m here because my Mother locked me out. That’s the difference between us. I wish I wasn’t so different from them.
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Last edited by mizz-iceberg on Sat Dec 06, 2008 9:51 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Hey, mizziceberg! Here as requested. I'm one of the harsher critiquers on this site, so please don't be offended by anything I say. I'm only trying to help, not to hurt. :D

I bang at the door.

Good way to start it. At first glance it seemed a bit too simple, not elaborate enough. But now it seems fine, for the time being.

'“Mom! Let me in! I’m sorry!” I scream.'

You don't need the "I scream" bit. Put the dialogue up next to the first sentence. It would be a lot more effective to the dramatic situation, and would kill the repetition of your main character's actions. Also, I think you should remove the exclamation mark at the end of I'm sorry; so it gets a more bittersweet feel to it other than the fact your characters desperate/angry.

So the story thus far would read: I bang at the door. "Mom! Let me in! I'm sorry."

I don't think you need to include screaming as this is self-explanatory from the exclamation marks. However, if you desperately want to include it, change the first sentence to, "I bang at the door, screaming." Though I think this would interrupt the flow a bit.

Miranda from next door is watching me.

Insert some detail here, so it sounds less basic. Describe the way her lip puckers up with disdain, the way her eyes are narrowed, glittering with eagerness almost as if she's enjoying the main character's anguish. Show us the way her ugly dress falls around her like a heavy raincloud, the little mannerisms she has as she watches the narrator. These are all examples, obviously. Don't use them unless you want to. I just think you need to elaborate, flesh it out. It's details that make a story real.

She will probably tell everything to her brother Brad who is my class.

Comma after 'Brad.'

I imagine her smirking to herself.

Why is the main character 'imagining' her smirking to herself? It would be simpler, and more meaningful if you simply stated, 'I watched as she smirked to herself.'

And my dislike for her increases as she watches me; looking at me as if I am some animal at the zoo.

This simile is cliched and overused. Scrap it and think of something else. I know you can. ^_^

She is older than me; only a year older.

Insignificant detail. Nix it.

I turn towards the door at such an angle that my back is to her.

Badly phrased. Rephrase: I turn towards the door, my back to her.

It’s night. I am late. We are having the first snowfall of the season. And I’m locked out.

I know you're meaning to be effective by using short, brisk sentences, but this gives it a very simplistic, primary-school feel - which I know you can do better than. Embellish. Describe the suroundings. At the part where you mention the first snowfall, you have an ideal opportunity to describe the weather - and her emotions simultaneously. The clumps of snow sticking to her hair, her bare fingers stinging in the cold, her frozen eyelashes blinking back tears.

“MOM!” I bang both my fists hard against the door.

No need to use Caps Lock. A good writer such as yourself should be able to express anger and desperation through other means.

“Please Mom.” I yell. I force myself not to cry.

Rephrase: "Please, Mom," I yell, forcing myself not to cry.

My eyes sting and I take quick breaths to keep the tears from overflowing. I feel Miranda’s gaze on me. I turn slightly and look at her from the corners of my eyes.

Repetition of 'eyes' here.

I want her to go. To leave me alone.

Rephrase: I want her to go, to leave me alone.
This sounds more effective and emotional.

I slide down against the door and sit on a step. The stone is cold against my behind. It is very cold.

This is all repetition and seems a bit silly. You said the stone's cold against her behind, and then say it's very cold. Elaborate! Use details! Show us HOW it's cold, don't just state it.

Home.Do I have one?

Remove this! I am begging you, please remove this. You had a very good analogy with the stroller and it makes the reader feel even more sympathy, but then you ruin it by drilling it into the reader's brain. They will understand, you don't have to elaborate on it. If you want more symbolism, have the woman look down lovingly at the child in the stroller or whatever - this adds a bittersweet feel.

The snowflakes are soft and light. Though there are millions of them falling from the sky, but the way they fall, each one so different; they come down slowly almost in melancholic mood; they remind me of me. I want to cry, to pity myself, but Miranda is still standing there. No one else can pity me. Only I.

Good ideas, bad phrasing.
Let me reconstruct it for you: ,'The snowflakes are soft and light, and there are millions of them falling from the sky. But the way they fall slowly, in such a melancholic mood, each one so different. [New Paragraph]
I want to cry, to pity myself, but Miranda is still standing there."

I removed things that were too cliche, sounded wrong, or were unneeded.

“Mom, I’m sorry.” I whisper to rough wood of the door, even though I know she can’t hear me.

Good, but you need a 'the' before the 'rough.'

“Mom I’m cold.”

Comma after "Mom."

I can feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. They feel nice against my chilled skin.

Good use of contrast.

I don’t think Miranda can see my tears from such a distance. It is too dark anyways. I keep myself still and cry silently. I look up at the sky, the snow flakes floating down on the ground only to melt away. I can't make out the stars or the sky, just the flakes falling.

Well done. Lovely symbolism here.

“I want to be normal. I want a normal family. I want to go home. Give me a normal home.” I cry silently whispering to the sky, hoping that someone is listening to me. It’s not Mom’s fault. She’s schizophrenic. Occasionally. Very occasionally. But it has been getting more severe.

Good! But you need a comma after 'cry.'

I thump my head hard against the door. Why me? Why do I have to be the one with a delusional Mother?

A bus stops at the stop in front Miranda’s house. And middle aged man walks out. He has a folded newspaper in his hand. He walks quickly down the street. I loose sight of him soon.

Some mistakes in these sentences:
-Repetition -'stops at the stop' ? Rephrase it.
-'And' should be 'A'.
-'Loose' should be 'lose'.

She’s not going to open the door. No. She’s probably asleep. But she’s alone, and in one her trances.

Insert 'of' before ' her'.


Overall

You have some very good ideas here. I loved your symbolism, it was very cleverly done. Your main character is good and you've obviously gotten to know her but you need to 'show' her more to the reader. Physically - the way she looks, as we don't have enough description. Emotionally, you've portrayed her well, but work on it more and her personality will be great! You probably know this, but you need a little work on description of surroundings and making it seem less simplistic. You have a lot of tiny sentences that don't serve their purpose and slow down the story. Elaborate, embellish, engage with your reader and this story will improve so much.

Good luck!

Sarah
xxx
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This was really beautiful, I think castlesinthesky ^^ got all the nitpicky stuff, so I'll do the easy part:I'll tell you how much I liked this. :)

It really flowed, it made sense, everything was relevant and meaningful, and it wasn't boring. We could really feel with the main character even though it was short and we didn't hear a lot about her.

I try to smile back. Then Janet pokes me teasingly. “You are so lucky to live right beside him. You must see him everyday.”


I really liked this for some odd reason. The way you set it up beforehand was kind of awesome. It literally made me go 'omigosh, but she's not lucky that she lives next to him!' Good job, I actually cared about that! Which is a compliment :)

There was one thing though, about the last paragraph:

They can go on talking about boys but I would rather not participate.


This just kind of sounds needy, and, even more, it takes away from the next two sentences, which are incredibly strong. I think if you left this out the end would be a lot more powerful. Also, I think if your descriptions had more content, if they were less simple, we could actually put ourselves in this situation and increase the meaningfulness even more.
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Sarah> Thanks for pointing all this out, I'll definitely get to the editing now. I like harsh critiques; that way I can really improve!

PerpetualBhridge> I'm glad you enjoyed this and I'll definitely try to weave in some more description.


Thanks guys!
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Zehra! Hurrah!

Again, I love ASofterWorld, and I love your writing. So this was pretty much a match made in heaven. Like the comics, you have a way of taking what's funny on the surface and giving it depth--and giving it just a little shot of humanity. I especially loved the way you set the neighborhood scene. There's a gross girl next door, a neighbor walking past...it all flowed into one big scene, which is how it should be. Since you have no problem putting the details together, you might want to expand the setting of the neighborhood a little. It's your strong point. ^_^

Just a few random bits:

- If this is Amit Singh, then he's not only Indian and weird, but Indian and Sikh and weird. How did he get invited to a guys' sleepover dressed like that? You'll want to expand a little on the religious background, as well as why he's accepted by the friends, but she isn't. There could be a little jealousy thrown in, too. That'd be fabulous.

- For all the Indian families that I know, they have very dense and dramatic personal lives, but they would die before they would let it show on the outside. What steps are the Singhs taking to hide their mothers' mental illness? Is their any reason to why she would lock them outside of the house when she has an episode, rather than locking them in?

- I really loved the detail about the picture frames. Describe them a little more, bitte?

You know where to find me if you have any questions! I love these little short stories. They're grand.
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