What's to come

Well I need help on a story I've started, should I continue or stop. I love this idea and it has more to it then you think. I know what I'm going to do with the entire thing but, I need criticism...bad.


Endless streams of tears ran down their cheeks as they looked at me in my casket. Watching them as I stood in the doorway felt wrong but I decided to stay. The casket was an ivory white with bronze rose and had beautiful peach coronations draped over the top. It was closed for my strong opinion on people looking at the dead; they had always listened to me. I smiled as I watched people cry for me, even for the people who hid their emotion with a pursed line.

The one who was taking it hardest was my dear sister, Janelle who was sixteen. She had her hand on my casket sobbing uncontrollably. My mind was cluttered, after a few minutes I decided to go comfort her. I took my steps lightly and caught a glance of a little one watching me.

My instinct told me to keep walking and pretend I didn’t notice, but he had got up. The little toddler had the biggest grin on his face as he reached his small fingers out to me. I put my hand on his and smiled, he blushed and giggled. Janelle was still in tears so, I waved farewell to the little boy and continued towards my sister. When I got close to her I placed my hand on her shoulder.

Janelle jumped and turned around obviously frightened, I let out a sigh. She gazed at me but really she just stared at the space I stood in. She wrinkled her nose in thought and lifted her hand towards me. When her hand fell through the air she sighed and looked away. I turned away as well to look through the people who had come to pay their respects to me. My heart fluttered when I saw my husband, Desmond.

His head was down while tears fell to the floor, his appearance surprised me. His black hair was cut short and had an aftershave that he knew I had loved. Desmond was all suited up with a gray-collared shirt, tie, and pinstripe slacks. I inched toward him wanting to see the eyes that made me realize what love meant. I crouched under him and looked up but his gorgeous eyes were closed.

Desmond was even beautiful crying, I got out and stood up. Gently I took his head in my hand and kissed his soft hair. He jerked up with a gasp and looked at me in the empty space. He touched his head where I had kissed it and a grin spread across his face. Finally I saw his bright green eyes, his smile affecting them as well.

“Well we had fun while we could honey.” I choked out in my tearless sob. Carefully I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. Sudden realization washed over him and he didn’t question it any longer.

“I-I love you Lynnie, stay close.” He whispered lovingly. I chuckled at the pet name he’d given me, and looked into his eyes.

“I’ll always be close babe, no matter where you are. I love you too Hon.” I managed as I cried slowly taking my hand from his. He frowned and mouthed the word “bye darling”. I began to walk towards the exit when I came across the boy again. Shaking his head he showed that she couldn’t go, I stepped over him. Letting myself slink through the wall, I grinned about how Desmond knew.

It seemed to be silent in the church; normally kids were running around screaming. When I pulled myself from the wall I sensed that something was utterly wrong. I searched back and forth trying to figure out what it was. Somebody squeezed my shoulder a little too forcefully I whipped around and saw nothing.

I shook the feeling off and sped towards the nursery. When I arrived to the nursery I opened the door to peek inside. The kids were napping, but still something was wrong. I crouched by my little cousin, Jocelyn and noticed something. Her chest wasn’t moving it was still and she had paleness about her skin. I touched her wrist and immediately brought my hand back. I held back my sadness as I examined her.

“Lynnie!” Jocelyn’s voice screamed as she hopped on my back. I put on a fake smile and pulled her off of me.

“Joce, what happened to you?” I questioned putting my hands on her shoulders. She frowned and cocked her head to the side looking lost. Her brown eyes wandered towards her limp body as she pulled away from me. Joce walked over to it and plopped down beside her body.

“It was so cold, so very cold. I was sick but mama and daddy didn’t pay attention.” She whispered twiddling her thumbs.

“Well Sweetie, looks like your stuck with me. We have to go somewhere, okay?” I explained as I stood up offering my hand. Joce looked up and nodded taking my hand; she smiled as she got up.

please help me, I need advice and suggestions. Anything will help weather it be harsh or nice I'd love any thoughts.

To be honest it's OK, but a bit confusing. The flow is off. If you edited it and made it more understandable it could be good, but at the moment, not so much. It's confusing as to wether or not the main character is dead at the end, or if it's a flash back or what on earth it is! And if she is dead, how does her husband feel her? In the "takeing myy hand from his" line. Is she solid? Just confusing at the moment.

Thank you for the comment, remember it's just a draft. I already know that much but, thanks for telling me it was confusing. It might be because you don't understand what it's saying. I believe that when you die your spirit lingers on earth until after the funeral, and they say their last goodbyes. In my story the people she lived with were so close to her they could feel her presence, I understand I have a lot of editing to do so thank you again.

mackenzie

It's a pretty good piece. I agree with you, you should continue to work on it. I didn't find many problems with it, but I did find a couple of areas you could improve on.


In the second sentence of the second paragraph could be reworded a little better. You could change it so it sounds like this:

She sobbed uncontrollably as her hand lay on my casket.

It flows a little better than what you have right now. When writing something you have to make sure your writing runs smoothly, if not your readers will notice it. They'll know what you mean, but it'll still distract them and disrupt their reading.

In the second last sentence in the fourth paragraph you can cut out the last two words so it sounds like:

I turned away as well to look through the people who had come to pay their respects.

We already know it's her funeral, so there's no need to repeat yourself.


Overall, I think it's a good piece of writing. Considering the quality of the work I assume you must have already done so, but before posting your work up on the forums for critiques you should read through it yourself once or twice. You'd be surprised at how much you can find that needs fixing on your own, critiques done by others is just to find the things you couldn't see on your own. Keep up the good work.

This is an intriguing piece of writing you've got started here, and I'd like to see where it's going to go from here. As far as actual content, the piece was fine, but it could use a good deal of improvement in some areas. As Dynamo said, the flow was rather choppy, making it a bit hard to follow at times. Consider throwing in a few more commas in places like this:

I inched toward him wanting to see the eyes that made me realize what love meant. I crouched under him and looked up but his gorgeous eyes were closed.

So it looks like this, making the story flow much more smoothly:

I inched toward him, wanting to see the eyes that made me realize what love meant. I crouched under him and looked up, but his gorgeous eyes were closed.

You may also want to elaborate or clarify at places. For example, saying that "I crouched under him" doesn't make a whole lot of sense. How can you crouch under a dead body in a casket, and look up at it? It would also be helpful if you used more commas in the dialogue. Most areas were fine, but commas are absolutely crucial in dialogue so the reader understands how the characters are speaking.

Overall, this is a very nice start to your story, with an interesting concept I haven't encountered before. Very original and unique. Great job!

And I know this is just a draft, but why not do it as well as possible the first time around?

I honestly like your story up to the very end. It gets a bit confusing there and the nursery scene is kind of abrupt. Along with some minor editing (that all rough drafts need so I won't bother you with specifics) I think you could move into the transition to the nursery better. Since it is your story I won't try to change it but you should think about that transition. Oh, and the very beginning is good because the curiousness of it the whole situation drew me in but if you used a more dramatic opening sentence it would be even better. You could also try to use more description, make me see what you see.

Hey there StolenHearts, how are you?

Endless streams of tears ran down their cheeks as they looked at me in my casket.

Endless? Do you think people would cry endlessly?

Watching them as I stood in the doorway felt wrong but I decided to stay.

Felt wrong how? Elaborate.

The casket was an ivory white with bronze rose and had beautiful peach coronations draped over the top.

This is rather redunctant as you go from watching the mourners to describing the casket itself. If you want this descriptions to have relevance, you need to place it in conjuction with a sentence that also has reference to the casket to establish a link.

It was closed for my strong opinion on people looking at the dead; they had always listened to me. I smiled as I watched people cry for me, even for the people who hid their emotion with a pursed line.

Firstly, why use the word "opinion"? That word seems more appropriate if it was a debate or argument, but we are talking about the narrator's funeral here, a very important and emotional time. It would be better if you had used the word "wishes" instead. Secondly, you might want to rephrase the first sentence as it makes the narrator seem rather snobby (which I'm sure that isn't the impression you are trying to create).

I took my steps lightly and caught a glance of a little one watching me.

It is at this point that I realized the narrator's a ghost.

My instinct told me to keep walking and pretend I didn’t notice, but he had got up.

Your instinct told you to keep walking? Doesn't the narrator feel anything for her sister? Isn't it love that is driving the narrator to approach her sister?

Overall impressions:

First and foremost: Is the narrator dead or alive? Seriously, it's so muddled at the moment. You have the narrator saying that people are looking at her in the casket, but at the end, some are able to talk to her. You might want state as to what condition she is in at the very start of the piece to avoid confusion. If you have read "The Lovely Bones", you will see that the narrator states that she is dead right near the beginning of the chapter.

Secondly, as a reader, I didn't really sympathize with the narrator even though its her funeral. It's because of two flaws with the narrator's diction. The first flaw is that the narrator seems rather self-absorbed. It's like she doesn't really care about them, but more of herself. For the audience to be able to sympathize with the narrator, the narrator must be able to respect and understand the feelings and desires of those around them. I see really little of that. In "The Lovely Bones" however, the narrator actually places her family and friends with greater importance than herself. She understands how much her family and friends love her and pays tribute to them at various times throughout the novel.

The second flaw is that you keep using powerful words throughout the piece such as "tears", "touch" etc. When a person cries, it releases a lot of emotions and feelings. It's a very powerful verb, perhaps even the strongest in the language of English. Not many verbs can actually show the release of one's emotions or feelings. Such powerful words like that should be used in moderation so that it will be potent and sincere when it's used. However, your verbs mostly consist of strong verbs throughout the piece. By using so many, it not only dilutes down the power of the verbs, but it also makes your piece seem sterile and forced. This in turn also reduces the audience's appeal for the narrator, as we do not know if the narrator actually means what he/she is saying and hence do not feel sympathy for him/her.

The same can be said about touching someone. You only give touch someone if you have a mutual respect for someone. Having so many of this happening in the piece however, it seems more stalker-ish than a sign of love and respect. How would you like it if one of your friends kept placing her hand on your shoulder, hands etc etc? Uncomfortable eh? Tone down on that, use other verbs and utilize imagery to show what's happening.

Anyways, I like the concept, but I would like to see better execuation in the piece. I hope this review has helped. Good luck.

Andy.