Wings

A Softer World contest #3

Wings

When I was in high school, I knew a girl named Linda. She had sparkling brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde gets on old people, but more of a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft macaroni. Real golden yellow.

While other boys were playing Little League, I was trying to get her to notice me.

I think she was my first love.

She sat in front of me junior year in Physics, and all I ever saw of her was the back of her head. Once, I dropped my pencil, and she picked it up, and smiled at me.

Linda's smile was pure magic.

Eventually she figured out that I liked her and started talking to me. When her mouth was closed, though, I found things besides her smile to stare at. She had these freckles that stained her cheeks completely brown on top, and a nose so tiny I wondered how anyone could possibly breathe through it.

But I think what made me really like Linda was the fact that she could fly.

I saw her do it once.

Emily Johnson was standing in the hallway with her flock of sheep, not real sheep, they were girls, I mean, and Linda walked by, quickly, making sure to stick to the other side of the hallway. She was always good about following the rules. Kids like us weren’t supposed to look at kids like them. They were just too sparkling clean, and I guess their parents were afraid that we’d get them dirty. Emily paused and sneered at Linda, who stopped dead in her tracks.

Emily Johnson: Nice dress.

Linda’s face turned a color that sped past roses and wound up somewhere in the vicinity of a stop sign. She almost ran down the hallway.

I saw the whole thing, and I followed her to make sure she was okay. I had no intention of talking to her-this was years before Physics-I just wanted to be there so that she could look someone in the eye if she wanted.

She turned a corner out into the schoolyard and when I turned the same corner she was gone. I didn’t notice it, at first, but there she was, on the roof, letting the wind blow her around like a feather.

It was weird, sure, but I didn't mind. The longer I watched, the more mundane it became. She started out slowly and then she made circles and then she flew straight up and back down again a few times. As she flew, she sped up, getting faster and angrier with every loop. The most exciting part was when she stopped.

Then she sat on the ledge of the roof and let the tears come, or maybe they were streaming down her face the whole time and I just couldn’t see it when the flight wind was whipping at her. But when the tears reached the end of her nose they didn’t plop off; they sort of floated in the air around her until she scooped them away with her hand.

I don’t think she saw me because she tossed a handful of them at me. I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love.

When Linda was twelve, her parents died in a fire in Chicago. The firemen said it was caused

by a toaster that shorted out.

I'm not exactly loving the beginning. It lacks detail and stuff like that.

Linda packed a suitcase with the only thing that hadn't been destroyed, which was a baseball

signed by Mark McGwire. Then she moved here to Santa Fe, where she lived with her uncle and

cousin. Their names were Samuel and Miranda, but everyone called him Sammie, because his

wide grin made him look like a puppy.

First line: get rid of he comma and "which was". Replace it with a colon.

Second line: Get rid of "then" at the beginning of the second sentence.

Third line: Re-write from here to end of paragraph. Perhaps like this:

Their names were Miranda and Samuel, though everyone called him Sammy.

Linda had brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde

gets on old people, but more like a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft

macaroni. Real golden yellow.

Okay, good description. But it's out of place. Here you are telling what happened to Linda, and then suddenly you decide to tell people what she looks like. That's not going to work.

She told me about her parents, about how when they died she cried so hard it hurt under her

ribcage. She cried for them, for herself, for all the time she had spent with the people who

knew her best.

I suppose this is an attempt at a heart-felt observation, but it doesn't work. This narrator is not in a position to perceive such emotion from a girl he hardly knows.

This is as far as I am going to read. It was okay, but it was not the successful winner of a contest. I think you need to go back and revise it a couple of times.

Good luck.

Thanks for the critique--after reading it again I get exactly what you're saying. I pretty much cut out the entire first half.

Heyy there kissthewitch (do you mind if I call you wizzy? =P), I am here for the review you requested, and I hope it's helpful to you =D

kissthewitch wrote:Everything Sparkles

Linda had brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde gets on old people, but more of a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft macaroni. Real golden yellow.[Nice description, but could you maybe open this in some other way that doesn't involve a description? The MC's feelings towards her followed by her description would maybe be better?]

She sat in front of me junior year in Physics. When I dropped my pencil she handed it back to me and smiled.

Linda's smile was pure magic.[Nice emphasis on the sentence =D]

Eventually she figured out that I liked her and started talking to me. When her mouth was closed,[delete comma] though, I found other things to stare at: the line of freckles across a nose so tiny I wondered how anyone could possibly breathe through it.

[s]She[/s] Linda told me how she had lived in Chicago,[full-stop] About the homeless men who slept in boxes[comma] even during winter when it was below zero. "Everyone thought they were evil, because they were everywhere, like AIDS, which is certainly evil," she had [as your MC's talking about past conversations] said. She told me about snow, and how in winter everything sparkled. "Lights," she said. "Millions and billions of them, so bright they kept me up at night[s]s[/s]."

But I think what made me really like Linda was that she could fly.

I saw her do it once.[comma]

[Delete NP]she was upset, and I followed her to make sure she was okay[why was she upset? What had happened, or didn't your MC know? You need to make this clearer]. I had no intention of talking to her--[never use a double hyphen!! Just one will do (: ]this was years before Physics--and I just wanted to be there so that she could look someone in the eye if she wanted.

She turned a corner out into the schoolyard and when I turned the same corner she was gone. I didn’t notice it, at first, but there she was, on the roof, turning loop-de-loops.

It was weird, sure, but I didn't mind. The longer I watched, the more mundane it became. She started out with loop-de-loops and then she made circles and then she flew straight up and back down again a few times. The most exciting part was when she stopped.

Then she sat on the ledge of the roof and tears streamed down her face, or maybe they were streaming the whole time and I just couldn’t see it when the flight wind was whipping at her [this doesn't quite make sense - try rephrasing]. But when the tears reached the end of her nose they didn’t plop off; they sort of floated in the air around her until she scooped them away with her hand.

I don’t think she saw me because she tossed a handful of them at me. I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love[way to end it!! Awesome stuff =D].

Last Minute Views
Your MC
The thoughts of your MC were very clear and precise - great job - so no improvements needed there. The only thing you need to put in for the first chapter is whether your MC is male or female? You need to make sure you mention this, as it's the introductory chapter to the rest of your story and we want to know everything about your MC so we can make our minds up about her/him. If you need any extra help on developing your MC, PM me and I'll be happy to help (:

Linda
As the second main character, you did an amazing job on her!! I know everything about her, which is great. But, the only thing is, is that you seemed to have focused on her character development more than your actual MC. So my advice to you would be to send Linda off for a little while and spend some time with your MC and on developing her character

Beginning
Now, the start of this chapter I thought was a little jumpy and slightly rushed. What I think you need to do, wizzy, is to extend the length of this chapter and that will fill in all the little gaps that need filling in and make it seem less rushed and easier to follow =D

Prologue vs Chapter One
I felt that this was more of an introduction to your story than an actual chapter. So, you have a couple of options in front of you =D
1. You could start your story off in this first chapter and casually add in all the stuff about Linda.
OR (and what I prefer)
2. You could have this as a prologue to introduce the whole story.
It's entirely up to you what you decide to do, but I will give you my personal opinion I think that you should go with the prologue idea, as I really liked this chapter as it is, and as an introduction to your whole story. But it's entirely up to you, so let the battle of Prologue vs Chapter One commence!! ;D

Overall
I really did enjoy this and your descriptions were really good wizzy =D. The only thing I think you could improve on would be to lengthen this chapter and make it a little less vague.
If you have any questions or would like some additional help regarding this review, please don't hesitate to PM me, wizzy as I'll be happy to help. Also, you know what to do if you need another review - just click the link below =D
Really hope this helped, and keep writing!! ;D

--Lucyy xx

Eventually she figured out that I liked her smile and started talking to me

This is very strange to me. I can't place my finger on it, but it just seems wrong. Like, how did she figure it out? Etc. More detail would be better.

"Everyone thought they were evil, because they were everywhere, like AIDS, which is certainly evil," she had said.

The addition of "which is certainly evil" is almost laughable, because its obvious, a repeat of the beginning of the statement.

Emily Johnson was standing in the hallway with her flock of sheep, not real sheep, they were girls, I mean, and Linda walked by, quickly, making sure to stick to the other side of the hallway.

If you explain the metaphor, then there's no point in writing it at all--the point is that it implies what is underneath it.

I did love the end, however. The last few lines were very romantic, very well written.
Please continue writing, I would like to see what develops.
-Medusa.

Wow, wizzy, this was an amazing improvement!! *gold star*
I'm glad you found my review helpful, and please do PM me if you decide to continue this - I will a loyal fan
Also, if you would like me to review anything else (which I'd be happy to) PM me, or click the link below!!
Great job, wizzy (:
--Lucyy xx

The promised critique:

Nit-Picks

When I was in high school, I had a friend named Linda. I always used to imagine what it’d be like if Linda wound up with me.

Woah! Okay, so the first sentence was nice, but then… wow! It was just way too big of a jump. You need some major re-ordering here. Lets see…

When I was in high school, I had a friend named Linda. She had gorgeous brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde gets on old people, but more of a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft macaroni. Real golden yellow.

I think she was my first love.

And then go on about the 'She sat in front of me…' Just because you said she was his friend, so why is he worrying about getting her to notice him?

Eventually she figured out that I liked her smile and started talking to me. The first time we spoke she was careful to keep her lips zipped together as much as possible. I guess she wanted to make sure I was really in it for her.

Huh? Um… you're focusing a little too much on the smile here. Just say he likes her, not the smile.

Overall Comments

Aww, that was cute.

Anyways, I had three comments other than what I already said.

First, I want some more emotion when she does the loop-de-loops. This is where you can really expand on this girl! Are they fast and furious, like she's angry at them, and then she just collapses, worn out from her anger and letting the tears come? Are they slow and gentle, then as she begins flying and forgets the comment, faster and faster?

And he's in love – you can have some descriptions! Show us how her dress and hair lift up as she speeds up. Things like that.

Also, why'd you write the dialogue as a script? I'm not really sure if it works here… It's so much telling that dialogue sounds out of place, but so does the script.

The main thing is that you told way too much. You were trying to fit in this whole history between them, but you just can't. Start off with them leaving class, the nasty comment, her flying. Then have some scenes when he watches her, then they slowly become closer, then are friends. Relax – you have time for them to build their friendship.

Or you could just start later, when they are friends, and show how she hates Emily, show that he remembers how she used to fly, etc.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

kissthewitch wrote:A Softer World contest #3

Everything Sparkles
When I was in high school, I had a friend named Linda. I always used to imagine what it’d be like if Linda wound up with me.

While other boys were playing Little League, I was trying to get her to notice me.

I think she was my first love.

Linda had brown eyes and yellow hair. Not filled with highlights, not like the way blonde gets on old people, but more of a bright, shiny yellow, like the pasta on a box of Kraft macaroni. Real golden yellow.

She sat in front of me junior year in Physics, and all I ever saw of her was the back of her head. Once, I dropped my pencil, and she picked it up, and smiled at me.

Linda's smile was pure magic.

Eventually she figured out that I liked her smile and started talking to me. The first time we spoke she was careful to keep her lips zipped together as much as possible. I guess she wanted to make sure I was really in it for her.

When her mouth was closed, though, I found other things on her to stare at. She had these freckles that stained her cheeks completely brown on top, and a nose so tiny I wondered how anyone could possibly breathe through it.

Linda told me how she had lived in Chicago. About the homeless men who slept in boxes, even during winter when it was below zero. "Everyone thought they were evil, because they were everywhere, like AIDS, which is certainly evil," she had said. She told me about snow, and how in winter everything sparkled. "Lights," she had said. "Millions and billions of them, so bright they kept me up nights."

But I think what made me really like Linda was that she could fly.

I saw her do it once.

Emily Johnson was standing in the hallway with her flock of sheep, not real sheep, they were girls, I mean, and Linda walked by, quickly, making sure to stick to the other side of the hallway. She was always good about following the rules. Kids like us weren’t supposed to look at kids like them. They were just too sparkling clean, and I guess their parents were afraid that we’d get them dirty.

Emily Johnson: Nice dress.

Linda stopped dead in her tracks.

Emily Johnson: Not.

Linda’s face turned a color that sped past roses and wound up somewhere in the vicinity of a stop sign. She almost ran down the hallway.

I saw the whole thing, and I followed her to make sure she was okay. I had no intention of talking to her-this was years before Physics-I just wanted to be there so that she could look someone in the eye if she wanted.

She turned a corner out into the schoolyard and when I turned the same corner she was gone. I didn’t notice it, at first, but there she was, on the roof, turning loop-de-loops.

It was weird, sure, but I didn't mind. The longer I watched, the more mundane it became. She started out with loop-de-loops and then she made circles and then she flew straight up and back down again a few times. The most exciting part was when she stopped.

Then she sat on the ledge of the roof and tears streamed down her face, or maybe they were streaming the whole time and I just couldn’t see it when the flight wind was whipping at her. But when the tears reached the end of her nose they didn’t plop off; they sort of floated in the air around her until she scooped them away with her hand.

I don’t think she saw me because she tossed a handful of them at me. I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love.

>really there are certain things you need to elaborate, like,how long have you been in love with her, or things about her life in Chicago..

>i, myself, could never fall in love that fast..and that long..

Oh my god. I'm in love with the last line...you know:

"I caught some on my tongue like snowflakes; by the time they’d melted, I was in love."

That was just amazing. I love how the detail was Everyone edited, i just thought i would give you my opinion, i really really really really liked it. I'm kind of disappointed i didn't get to edit anything. I actually think i will make that my little thing at the bottom of my message, you know, | lol i loved it, pleaseee keep writing it. I want to hear MORE!!
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Thanks a lot, guys. All the reviews are really helpful!
Umm...I deleted the part that corresponds to the title. So I need a new one. But I have no ideas...*nudge nudge wink wink*
Haha, I'll think of something.

I'm sorry if my review isn't -quite- as detailed as the ones above. I have to say, I really liked it. I liked the transition from school saga to kinda sorta fantasy. Is Linda an angel, then, or can she just fly? Either way, it was an intriguing. Are you going to continue with it?

I really like this story. Its very cleverly written. I think that when you reveal that she can fly, it should be after she does it, near the end. Then it wouldn't sound very strange when you introduce it. I would also change Emily's line to quotes, It seems a bit weird to see that in a story.
Keep up the good work
~Zakku Alpha