Whisper

In speckled gutters and wet avenues,
In blank faces of winding café queues.
Bleeding through the cobbles of the street,
It follows, carried in policemen’s feet.

In the folds of your blanket, under the door,
scratching it’s tiny feet beneath the floor.
Your tired eyes see it, creeping across the window pane,
as it hails down misery, hidden in the rain.

Can you hear it now, as you take counsel and tea,
what has made those bright eyes darken, suddenly?
Who would suspect, that a man so young
made such a sweet song bitter when it is sung.

Oh, but it’s just the behaviour of your kind
Is it his fault, that the beautiful people are designed?
To betray the truth, it’s all he knows,
and yet, through his heart blue regret blows.

You left it all behind, you cut away your past’s ties,
with an unsettling silence, your sham of a marriage dies.
The whisper turns to the chorus of a madden crowd,
and presses down on you like a factory cloud.

But you hear the whisper, so strongly one night,
somewhere in that city, for you burns a light.
And it hears you too, the blinking of your restless eyes
and for your sweet boy’s heart, the whisper simply cries.

So throw up the blankets, the windows too
follow the whisper, like it followed you.
Open the door, breath free the midnight air
that dirty belle whom you loved, is she still there?

I liked this, especially the beginning ^_^

It was OK you had a good idea but i found some mistakes. You need to watch for punctuation errors and capitalization errors. Such as for punctuation you need to punctuate every line with commas or periods


Capitalization on every line in the stanza:


In the folds of your blanket, under the door,

scratching it’s tiny feet beneath the floor.

Your tired eyes see it, creeping across the window pane,

as it hails down misery, hidden in the rain.



Can you hear it now, as you take counsel and tea,

what has made those bright eyes darken, suddenly?

Who would suspect, that a man so young

made such a sweet song bitter when it is sung.


And spelling:

Oh, but it’s just the [s]behaviour [/s]of your kind
behavior
Is it his fault, that the beautiful people are designed?

To betray the truth, it’s all he knows,

I think this one you put blue instead of blew I am not sure what you meant.
and yet, through his heart [s]blue[/s] regret blows

The bolds are what you need to capitalize whatever i crossed out you need to spell correctly or see if it is meant to be used the right way.
In the last stanza belle needs to be Belle.

Other then that it was good nice story line

Unfortunately, it seems like the previous reviewer and I are at odds!

You don't have to capitalise every line in this poem. Seamus Heaney doesn't do it! Simon Armitage doesn't do it! Carol Ann Duffy doesn't do it! These are professional poets! (OK, second read, I can see where she's coming from - please be consistent!)

And plus, Eimear is a fellow Brit like me. Don't berate her for her spelling.

Anyway, onto the poem:

This was very well-written, with lots of great imagery. Your eye for detail is impeccable:

"In speckled gutters and wet avenues"

To improve it, I would suggest turning around the passive verbs and making them active or get rid of them entirely. So:

"Is it his fault, that beautiful people are designed?" (I love the rhetorical question by the way)

could become:

"Is it his fault that people possess beautiful designs?"

Remember, passive = telling, active = showing. Bear that in mind! Use the active voice to pull the reader into your narrative instead of having to trip over what is in this case, an awkward phrase.

Small niggle re. stanza 2:

"...scratching it’s tiny feet beneath the floor."

it's = it is
its = belonging to it.
Which did you mean?

But overall, great job! 9/10

Gahks