Illusions of Life (2nd Draft- Horror/Fantasy)

Ok I re-wrote it a little bit and added some more to it... I hope it makes a little bit more sense....
I really would appreciate every critique I get so please leave some feedback. Even bad is better than none (; ......




The woman ran quickly, ever so often glancing back over her shoulder. It seemed as if she were flying; her feet seemed never to touch the ground.
The moon shone brightly in the sky illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination. The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present.
Without warning the woman pitched forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth. Loud sobs came from the woman as she pulled herself to her feet and once again began running. Tears trailed steadily down the smooth caramel of her skin. Behind her an otherworldly shriek pierced the false permanence of silence, shattering any illusion of calm and sending the woman into utter panic.
“No…no, no… I’ve got to make it. Please! God! Hear me!”
Her pleas mumbled through the air receiving no answer from the lord she prayed to. The path wound on and on with no end in sight. The air blew harshly through the woman’s curly black hair causing it to fly behind her. Her eyes suddenly caught the moonlight and shone in an unnatural violet as the tears continued to fall.
Suddenly, a huge building came into view looming over the insignificant dirt path that led up to it. Relief seemed to flood over the woman as she took in the sight of an immense upside down cross hanging in a stained glass window. Depicted on the stained glass window was an ugly demon hovering over the corpse of a small child. The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet in the woman’s face only alleviation was apparent.
She hastily made her way up to the door and threw herself at the thick oak working. She alternated between clawing at the door and pounding on it until her fingers were raw. Thin rivulets of blood ran down her arms as she continued to beseech admittance but it seemed as though none would be granted.
Once again the animal-like screech filled the air behind the woman, sending her into a renewed flurry of activity.
“Please, Lord! Let me in. I beg of you!”

------------------------------------------------

I saw her from a distance. I could sense the warm pulse of her blood. However, I was even more aware of the cloud of terror that filled her entire being. She tasted the proximity of her own death and had turned to the one she called ‘Lord’ for help. This ‘Lord’ was often called to for help, yet he never seemed to answer. One of her kind receiving mercy from any soul was unfathomable. She drank on blood and in some perverse twist prayed to the Almighty Lord for help.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your story.

I enjoyed it very much. ^^

Gosh, my review doesn't really seem to be a review.
Ah well....

P.M. me once you post the next part or something. ^^
I'd love to read it.

Oh. And also, give you a proper review.
To make up for this lousy review that isn't even close to a review. (So sorry!)

Well then,
seeya 'round!

-Max.

Hello.

The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present.

Run on sentence. Try using commas or rephrasing the sentence so that two ideas arent clustered together.

“No…no, no… I’ve got to make it. Please! God! Hear me!”

If you were being chased, would you say this? I think you would be too busy running.

Her pleas mumbled through the air receiving no answer from the lord she prayed to

Quite obvious don't you think?

The grotesqueness of the picture should have inspired horror, yet in the woman’s face only alleviation was apparent.

Why?

Overall impressions:

Considering this is fantasy/horror, it's funny that I don't feel suspense from reading this. A big reason for this is that you state things which are pretty obvious for your reader. For example, don't you think that we all know that it's pretty quite during the night? Suspense is created when there is a factor of uncertainty in the piece. When you are mentioning things which are pretty obvious to the audience, there isn't that factor of uncertainty in the writing and hence there isn't that effect of suspense created.

This comes to my second point: Horror. As well as suspense, horror is another staple when you are writing something that's from the horror genre. But what is horror exactly? If you do not know, horror is something that inspires dislike. Looking at this piece, it doesn't really make use of this concept. This is mostly due to the woman herself. I finished reading this and was wondering "Why should I care that she's crying? What is there to dislike?" If the character's feelings and the reasons for his/her feelings are blocked out, then how can it inspire dislike for the audience?

It may seem that my first paragraph contradicts my second, but uncertainty for setting and plot is much different to not actually knowing the character(s) themselves. The former creates suspense, while the latter not only prevents the effects of horror, it also stops a formation of a story. If we do not know the characters, then the whole piece will be nothing but descriptions that go nowhere.

I hope this helps.

Andy.

Thnx for the crits but this part is the prologue... you aren't supposed to know the woman yet... its just introducing everything that's why she has no name...she's not really important for the rest of the story but is more of an intro to the rest of it....

Adding more to your story helped make it more understandable. For a prologue I think it's quite good, although admittedly I don't read horror. The line spoken as she is running does seem a little off, and not just because she is running and wouldn't really have the breath either. Itt just doesn't fit and I'm not quite sure why... Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

The moon shone brightly in the sky illuminating the small dirt path that guided her toward her destination.

Try putting a comma after 'sky'

The night was deathly silent and besides the harsh breathing of the woman it appeared as if there were no other living things present.

You need to put a comma before 'and', else it becomes a run-on sentence. Also, put another comma after 'woman'

Without warning the woman pitched forward and landed hard on the ground. What she had tripped on was not apparent for the dirt path was unnaturally smooth.

After apparent there should be a comma. Otherwise the sentence seems akward.

“Please, Lord! Let me in. I beg of you!”

Try Please Lord! Let me in, I beg you! The period after 'in' seems off. Why would she be screaming the other things and not 'Let me in'?

Lots of punctuation mistakes; I didn't bother getting them all. Really, I was a bit bored by this. Where's the suspense? I spy none.

THNX EVERYONE

For all the critique: Yes the good and the bad!!

I will work on this a bit more to clarify the story and then repost it!

Till then TOODLES


MUCH LOV3

Well, it seems that everybody else pretty much covered up everything else. I didn't read the very first post, but I don't think I will.

It was very interesting! I would like it if you PMed if there you post more or a re-do or whatever!

Very nice job!
Keep up the good work,

googly
=)