Alvalor: part two of chapter three

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Ok, if you remember, Napodi, Will, and the twins just escaped from the massacre. They're hiding in a secret cave built into the wall, and waiting for it to be safe to come out again.

*********************
Her face a sickly pallor, Napodi said the first thing that came to her head. “You know, you never did tell me where you are from.”
Will thought hard before answering. He shifted in his seat, scooting so his back leaned against the cave wall. “You’ve probably never heard of it. It’s a small city called Bountiful.”
“You are right, I have never heard of that place before.” Napodi looked up with surprise. “I thought I knew almost all the lands around here.”
“Well, it’s pretty far away –very far away, to tell you the truth.”
“How did you get here, then?” Napodi asked.
“I’m actually an alien. My spaceship left me behind.” Well, it was close to the truth…sort of.
Napodi’s shoulders shook as she struggled to laugh quietly so as to keep from waking the twins.
“So, what’s your guys’ story?” Will inclined his head towards the sleeping children.
“Oh, nothing as exciting as aliens,” Napodi paused to shift her leg slightly beneath Millie’s head. Will pretended to laugh when Napodi smiled up at him.
“My mother’s name was Naomi, and she died giving birth to the twins. Did I ever tell you why they need crutches?” Will shook his head. “Their cords were wrapped around one of each of their legs. It’s only thanks to the fact there was a Hypti present, who was visiting the midwife, that they survived. But,” Napodi sighed, “even she was not able to save my mother.”
“How old were you?” Will asked gently.
“Nine,” Napodi said in a quiet voice.
Will stared at the floor. That was something they had in common—he grew up without his mom, too. Another moment of stillness passed between the two as they both stopped to listen for the end of the violence outside.
As they learned more about each other, speaking deep into the night, Will sat back against the wall and sighed inwardly. He wished he could confide the whole truth in his new friend—the truth that even Will didn’t fully understand. How could even he explain how he had appeared inside the book he was reading?
♦ ♦ ♦
Something stinks.
Will heard his breath catch as he came out of an uneasy slumber. He had no idea where he was. All was completely dark, and he was lying on a cold, hard, dirt floor. The strange, pungent smell that Will had woken up to was difficult to place, and smelled annoyingly familiar.
As he lay there, trying to clear the cobwebs from his head, he noticed the deep breathing of someone sleeping next to him. Will sat up, startled. The side of his face was coated with a thin film of dust, which he brushed off quickly with a slap. It was only then that he remembered the events of last night. He and Napodi had stayed up talking for who knows how long. He had no recollection of even laying down to go to sleep.
Totally awake now, Will realized miserably that the horrible smell he was trying not to notice was very likely to be the rotting of hundreds of bloody bodies just outside their refuge. Sighing heavily, he stood up carefully, trying not to jar the girl next to him. He crept towards a tiny bit of dim light peeking through a wall of shadow.
Will groaned with frustration. He had found what was left of the opening they had dived through. It was almost completely blocked by a fallen cabin. Will kicked at the wood, more for the purpose of venting his anger than knocking it loose. Pain shot through his toes, and Will hissed with annoyance. As he muttered expletives at his foot, he heard movement from the other side of the cave.
“Who is swearing?” Napodi mumbled at the shadow a few feet away.
Will chuckled despite his hurting foot. “It’s just me. I’m trying to find a way out of this stupid cave, and kicking this thing in front of the door really isn’t helping.”
“Something is blocking our way out?” Napodi’s voice was alarmed. She gently slid out from beneath the twin’s heads and walked over to stand next to Will.
“Do you think someone’s out there? Do you think anyone else even survived?” Will poked his finger into the dim spot of light hopelessly.
“I have heard there are other annexes like this built into the main cave, so there is bound to be at least someone who survived.” Napodi’s voice broke. “There must be!” she whispered.
Napodi took a deep breath, then walked over to the twins and tenderly shook them awake.
“W-why is it so dark?” Max stifled a yawn.
“What is that awful smell?” Millie stuck out her tongue, pinching her nose.
“Do you kids want to play a game?” Napodi asked in a false cheery voice.
“A game?” said the twins in unison, climbing to their feet and placing their crutches carefully beneath an arm.
“We are going to have a contest to see who can yell the loudest!” Napodi guided them over to what used to be the entrance.
“Yes! I am going to win!” Max shouted proudly.
“I can yell louder!” Millie hollered.
The children began yelling on the top of their lungs. The twins were just yelling nonsense words, and having a blast at it, but the teenagers were bellowing pleas for help.
“Hello?”
“Is anyone out there?”
“Help! Get us out of this stupid cave!” Will growled with impatience.
Then Napodi heard something. “Shh!” She froze, holding up her hands to silence the others.
“Is someone in there?” a muffled voice called.
“Yes!” Napodi shouted. “Please help us, the exit is blocked!”
They heard some distant muttering, as if the person were talking to someone else on their side. Will caught Napodi’s eye and both of them grinned with excitement and utter relief. They weren’t alone!
“Please hurry!” Will bellowed through the tiny opening in the wall.
At the sound of wood scraping against rock, they saw the tiny opening at the top of the cave’s little mouth grow slightly larger. They cheered as a dusty stream of light poured into their dim shelter.
♦ ♦ ♦
Hours passed. At least that’s what it seemed like to Napodi—she really couldn’t tell. Millie and Max played their own rendition of hopscotch in the dirt a ways off, and she and Will sat against the wall near the blocked entrance, waiting. After all their cheering and dancing about, they had realized they still had a ton of wood to clear out of the way, and the children had no way to help speed up the process. All they could do now was wait.
Will was doodling in the dirt next to him, and although Napodi’s eyes kept threatening to close, the din on the other side made her jump every time she dozed off.
Still, the thought of people on the other side made her heart thump with excitement. She just had no idea who they were. Napodi sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest, lightly fingering the necklace her parents had given her on her fifth birthday.
She glanced over at the twins, and wished –not for the first time –that she was still their age. She wished she had their innocence: their happy, care-free attitudes and obliviousness to the evils in the world around them. Hopefully, after last night, this precious part of them would still be intact.
Napodi sighed again and glanced over at Will. He had written a column of strange symbols in the dust, and was concentrating so intently, he jumped when she spoke. “What are you doing?”
“Oh –um, it’s just math. It’s my best subject at school, and I like to practice when I’m bored.” It was also one of the reasons he was made fun of all through elementary school and part of Junior High. He quickly rubbed it away with his hand. Noticing Will was embarrassed, Napodi didn’t press the issue although she was bursting to know what in Alvalor this ‘math’ was.
Finally, Will sighed and climbed to his feet. “Who wants to have a thumb war?” His boredom had reached its peak.
“What is a thumb war?” Max asked, looking up from his game.
Millie swung over on her crutch and sat next to Will, leaning her arm on his leg. “Can you show me?” Millie asked, looking up at him with big, curious eyes.
Will chuckled fondly. He grasped her right hand in his and held all her fingers in a cup, leaving the thumb on top. Will was surprised at the rough calluses he felt on the little girl’s hands. They, of course, didn’t have all the modern inventions that he had grown up with. Obviously, his hands had had the easier life.
He quickly explained how it worked, then counted off. “One-two-three-four, I declare a thumb war. Five-six-seven-eight start!” Millie struggled to force her tiny thumb over Will’s big one. He made his thumb evade hers for a few seconds, but then allowed her to place her thumb firmly over his. He yelped in pretend surprise.
“Hey! You got me!” Millie giggled with pleasure.
“My turn,” Max demanded, swinging his way over to Will. He held out his hand and Will went through it all again.
“Man, I dunno what’s up with me today.” Will complained. “You guys must be champions or something.” Hearing this, the twins giggled with delight and ordered him to play it again. Watching with undisguised pleasure in her eyes, Napodi laughed along with them as the twins beat Will every single time.
When her hand was in Will’s again, Millie looked over at her sister. “Napodi, you have not had a turn to play yet! Napodi’s turn!” The teen started with surprise.
“Oh no,” She answered quickly, “You can play, I will just watch.”
Max shook his head, siding with his Gemi. “You need a turn, Napodi, or it would not be fair!” He folded his arms, his lip stuck out in a way he likely believed to be stern.
Will grinned. “Well, if we have to be fair, I don’t see why not.” He offered his hand to Napodi playfully.
Napodi shook her head good-naturedly. “I am sorry, Will.” She grinned. “But you are not going to win this one either.”
“Ya wanna bet?” Will grabbed her hand and they counted off.

***********************

I don't know about you, but I think this part's kind of boring. Any ideas on how I can liven it up a bit?
Thanks for reading!
--Anna
Last edited by Anna Graham on Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero




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Hi, I'll just let you know that i havent reat the other Avalors, but I will get round to them as soon as I can.

Anyway, I found this really interresting. It is a good way to explain the characters past without interupting the story.

“Oh, and I found this really weird rock that transports people to different worlds.” In effort to lighten the mood, Will surprised himself by making that conclusion. It hadn’t clicked until just then.


I really liked this bit.

it was so hideously ugly they felt they had to name it Wil-liam.


I don't quite understand this, is it a play on words?

Ok, I think this piece was well written to say the least, but if you really want to liven things up make on of the toddlers wake up and cry, to create suspence, but I really think the piece is very good as it is.

Keep writing (and finish the book) :)
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Guns don't kill people, people kill people... And monkeys do (if they have a gun)- Eddie Izzard




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It was okay.

I think it was a trifle boring. It may be because we, as readers, already know what happened to Will. Perhaps it would help to focus more on Napodi's story. Make it a little more detailed.

Also, if they've just escaped the massacre, shouldn't they be frightened? There was little or no suspense here, so maybe if you try to add something dangerous, like frightening noises or something.

Just a few suggestions. Can't wait to read the next bit. :D




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I also have not read the beggining of this, but what I have read sounds good! Because I havn't read the other bits I didn't know there was anyone else there until Napodi stroked her hair, that suprised me a little. Will's attempt to lighten the mood was well written. I like it!
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I didn't think it was boring. I like the connection betweed Napodi and Will. And it was sad how their mother died. Like the majority of your chapters, I liked this one, especially because it brought Napodi and Will closer together. I hope they survive. I'd really like to see their first kiss!

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95

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I haven't read the beginning, but this was a good bit. I didn't really find any grammatical errors to nit-pick over, but one thing I found strange was your excessive use of hyphens in Will's speech. Does he have a speech impediment or are these just typos? :?:

Overall, this was a very good story. It offered character background without slowing down the rest of the story. I think I may have to go back and read it from the beginning. You might want to consider posting it in longer sections so we don't have to jump around so much. And some of the dialogue towards the beginning was sort of stiff.

Oh, and what was that bit about the magical stone? Or was it explained earlier on in the story? Hmmm.

Anyway, great work! I may post again in previous and later chapters. Keep it up! :D

Ben
-denj
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A few of you have asked about the hyphens. I appologize profusely. See, for some strange reason, the computer sticks them in there randomly after I paste it in from Word. I've been trying to go through and fix them, but i guess i missed some.
So, that's how it is. Thanks for all your comments!

-Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero



We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer