The Dark Side of the Moon - Prologue • Young Writers Society

ashleylee · 2008-11-09T20:42:05Z

Okay, for those of you who have been reading my Poisoned Roses piece, this is a COMPLETE rewrite of it. I have decided to start over and make it a whole new idea. Hopefully this is better :D **Very rough! Need as much help as I can get! __________________________ PROLOGUE My body streaked through the undergrowth like a phantom, leaving no trace that I had ever been there. Lifting my face to the moon, the pearly sheen seeped onto my face, illuminating my eyes and making them glow like the animals I ran parallel with. The wolves streaked through the wilderness of northern Michigan, their bodies flirting with the faint light; one moment they were within my sight, the next they would vanish into the surrounding darkness. They moved together in synchronized steps, as if one soul occupied many bodies. The leader was easily the largest, the pelt of coal coloration with streaks of snowy hues, its shoulders nearly reaching my elbow. It would call to the others with a simple twitch of its head, and they would turn as one. I was silent, and they were unaware of my presence, too intent upon their next meal to notice the danger running alongside them. Their fangs flashed through the air when the aroma of a herd of deer drifted across their nostrils. This is where we parted, for at that moment, the wind lifted the hair off my shoulders. My own scent hit them, and the lead wolf let out a howl of surprise, streaking off to the west. The rest of them followed suit, their pelts raised in alarm, their eyes filled with fear. Smiling, my own fangs lowering to pierce my lower lip, I cut across their path, heading east to where a village of humans awaited me. The whole town was nearing slumber, the younger bodies sleeping, the older still awake. I could hear the sounds of their breathing still miles away. I could detect the soft beating of their hearts in their chests, the organ of life. I could just imagine their necks, smooth under my touch. It wouldn’t take long for me to lead one off by itself, being simple-minded fools that they were. One flash of my smile, one coy wink, and they were mine. Males were the easiest to get alone. By the time I arrived, it would be late evening, the time when most adults went out. Anticipating the feast waiting for me, I picked up the pace, my feet becoming a mere blur beneath me. Trees and brush were nothing more than petty distractions, my destination too overwhelming for me to ignore. My hunger was building, my thirst making my throat start to burn, and my fingers curled into fists when I started to smell the animals around me. Such easy targets. Too easy. I needed a challenge, one that would take my mind off of what I was running away from. At the thought of this, I couldn’t hold back the snarl that ripped form my mouth like a feral curse. My lips flipped back in defense, my back arching. It wasn’t fair! I had tried. I really had. I wanted to be what they were. The life they were living was finally making sense. I no longer had to be alone. I had a home I had a family. But no longer. They had deserted me, just like I had assumed they would. I was better off alone, where no one would hurt me. I had lived for hundreds of years like this. I had been content with the way I was surviving. It wasn’t like I needed a family… did I? “Isaac…” His name slipped from my lips before I could stop it, and it brought me to a standstill, my body slamming unceremoniously into a tree, snapping it cleanly in half. It did little harm to me, jarring me only for mere seconds, while the massive oak teetered until gravity took over, guiding it towards the ground. As it fell, my mind seemed to freeze, as if all that had previously mattered was gone, vanishing without a trace. All I could picture was his face. His floppy hair falling in messy waves around his head; his dimples indenting his rosy cheeks every time he smiled; his eyes similar to those of my kind—so large and luminous it was if I had fallen into a sea of blue. Shaking my head, I pushed him out, yelling out as the tree made its decent into the earth with a shattering crash. Birds squawked their disapproval, but with one growl from my lips, the forest quieted almost instantaneously. I was feared. I had the power. They had been weak. They had tried to get me to join them, to let go all the power I once had over everything. Moving around the stump that was once the tree, I started to run, pushing my memories back into the vault to hopefully never resurface again. Faster this time with more purpose, I sprinted through the forest, leaves and branches entangling into my clothes. But I paid this no mind. I needed to feed. Once I did, I could sleep dreamlessly, with little fear of his heavenly countenance entering my thoughts. I reached the village at the exact time I had anticipated. The hunger was stronger now that the blood tainted the air with its scent. All humans smelled the same, with an almost hypnotizing tendency. For a newborn vampire, the temptation would lull them into insanity, and they would attack with a sort-of animal fixation. But for an experienced vampire, it became like an advanced hunt. Yes, all humans tasted the same. But it was always more entertaining when you singled one out, making the reward all the more satisfying. Brushing leaves from my hair, I entered the village with a sense of ease, my body so accustomed to the smell of blood that I could easily block it out. My hunt led me to a small, secluded bar at the edge of town. The males were oddly quiet, their blood thick with alcohol. That didn’t bother me much. I was too eager to feed to be picky. “Evening, little miss. What can I get for ya’?” the bartender called across the way once I had crossed the threshold. I flashed him a smile that made him falter on his way to greet me. “The strongest you got,” I answered with a wink. I assessed him as he set to work. About six-foot-four, a little overweight, with a hard façade. No, he wasn’t my target… tonight. After he handed me a glass of something that made me wrinkle my nose in disgust, I thanked him and took a seat, swiveling my chair to better observe my surroundings. The bar was surprisingly empty for a Friday night, only a few older men playing pool. Another group was crowded around the television, intent upon not missing one second of the basketball game. That’s when I spotted him. He was in the corner by himself, his eyes downcast into his bottle of beer. His dyed-black hair hung low over his wide-forehead, his lips pursed. I could tell he was deep in concentration about something. Well, I guess I’ll go and relieve him of whatever is bothering him, I thought, pressing my lips together in expectancy. Standing from my chair, I placed my drink back on the bar, untouched, and took my time reaching him. My walk was slow, but deliberate so when his eyes finally lifted from his beer, there was no doubt in his mind that it was him I was headed for. By the expression on his face, I was a welcome change of scenery. I watched him straighten his shoulders, and in doing so, I was now able to see clearly his clothing: black button-up with the first three undone, dark washed jeans, cowboy boots. His style was one of relaxed calm, yet he oozed a confidence that drew me in. I knew that part of it was my hunger. I should have had a snack before coming in here. It was dangerous when one was as hungry as I was, but I was too eager for a distraction to care much. “Howdy, cowboy,” was my purred greeting, eyes probing into his. It was simple for me to invade what little hold he had over his mind through his creamy brown orbs. He was recently single, haven broken up with his girlfriend only days before. He was depressed, planning on coming here tonight to drown himself in his own misery. How pathetic , I thought to myself, resisting the urge to snort with dissatisfaction. “Hey,” he replied, unable to come up with a more intelligent response. I smiled. “Mind if I join you?” “Not at all.” He scooted over willingly. “So… you new here?” It was clear that this town was of smaller proportions to others. It seemed, by a little more probing into his eyes, that they rarely got visitors. “No, just passing through,” I assured him, sliding into the seat. “Needed a drink.” He nodded, as if that explained everything. For a moment, we just sat there, listening to the soft melody leaking from the speakers behind us. I softly inhaled the air circulating around us, detecting the sweet scent of his blood mingled with his beer just inches away. I felt my fangs grow, and I pushed them back. I shouldn’t have come thirsty as I was. I should have killed earlier, I scolded myself. I had been stupid, but glancing over at the human male sitting inches away, I knew I needed to feed. Now. “Would you like to go outside?” I knew I should be playing it slow, but I was just too thirsty to care much. The only thought occupying my mind was of my fangs sinking into his throat. This was the line I usually used when it was time. He would either accept my invitation, or listen to his inner judgment and decline. Most always accepted. “Sure,” he said all-too-quickly. I grinned, standing. I drifted across the almost empty bar, him at my side. His blood was pumping more wildly now, his heart thumping in his chest. He knows… they always seem to know , I thought, marveling at the sound of his pounding heart just inches away. I sometimes wondered if the humans were programmed with an alert system when we came around. I knew he sensed danger, but he went anyway. Outside, my throat ached with the need to feed. I didn’t think I could play this off any longer. Curling my hands on my waist, I breathed through my mouth. But he was right there, eyeing me with sudden unease. Closing my eyes, I felt my body start to tremble as it fought against me. When I opened them, he froze. I knew my eyes had turned to a luminous green; that my lips had curled back over my teeth. I inched closer to him, but he had turned to stone. He couldn’t move. He was all mine. Pressing my body against his, I breathed softly, fanning my breath across his face. He inhaled against his will and instantly, his eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped against me. It still surprised me at how easily one breath from us put them to sleep. Our scent was so overpowering that it was almost too easy to hunt. I would have had more fun with him, but my thirst was overriding all coherent thoughts. Laughing softly in triumphant, I took one look around before fleeing into the darkness with my kill, knowing that I had survived another night alone.

lucyy:

Ah, you are too kind.

I'm glad you enjoyed this

KJ:

Yes, this is the wretched rewrite. Hopefully you will get to actually reading it someday :wink:

hehe jk

Night Mistress:

Thanks for being so supportive of this story and the last one. I really appreciate it

dommy65:

Wow, you are too kind.

I'm not really sure how old I want Sophia to be protrayed yet... but you gave me something to think about so kudos to you too :wink:

hehe

Thanks for reading!

200397:

Thank you so much for reveiwing this. I was hoping to get people other than the ones who read my previous one to like this. So this makes me so happy

Thanks too for all the compliments. Yeah, the title was something I've had in the back of my head for a long time but never was able to come up with something that would fit it. Now I do

~nariel~:

Thanks, Nariel. I'm glad you think this will turn out better because I have high-hopes for it too!

To everyone:

I promise to keep you all posted on the upcoming installments

First chapter should be out by this weekend... at least by sunday.

Thanks again to all of you!

Hey, Ashley!

I'm a little rough to this critique thing now since I took such a long, necessary break. @_@ So, forgive me if this review is a little... Lost the word. But you know what I mean. ^_^ I'm going to skip the grammar check unless it's a serious issue, but you're pretty good where you are when it comes to grammar.

This was very much improved from what I remember of the original draft. This was an excellent scene. It had excellent imagery and it had the reader (Me!) hooked the entire time. Bravo!

Prologue

Ever since I had written a prologue and was told how much it wasn't a prologue, I've never written a prologue. I'm scared of them. xD There has to be a very good reason (and I mean very good reason) for having one, and I'm not so sure what your reason for a prologue is. *faulty memory*

I'm going to assume this prologue happens after the novel takes place? I've looked at this site and it gives some specifics about a prologue, what it should do, and if it's necessary for your novel to have one. Since I don't know your entire story, I can't help out much, but maybe the site will help you determine whether it's necessary.

That was just a little heads up. :wink:

Overall

There were typos and grammar marks that others, I'll assume, have caught. I thought it was an excellent start to your novel. Hopefully it'll remain like that for the rest of the novel that I'll read. ^^ Your vocabulary was fantastic, especially the opening paragraph. The wording = Epic. (Check the wording in your first paragraph like "parallel". Some of it is really weird and could be changed. xD)

Sorry I'm not of help, but maybe I'll spot some stuff in chapter one later. ^^;

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

The Dark Side of the Moon - Prologue

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