A Jonas Love Story

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A Jonas Love Story Introduction

The story starts at the beginning of summer vacation.

Isabella, Hailey, and Gabriella are three girls that live in New Jersey. They are best friends with the Jonas Brothers and grew up with them. Isabella and Hailey are sisters and Gabriella is their cousin. They all live in the same house because Gabriella’s parents (Isabella and Hailey’s aunt/uncle) past away in a car crash when Gabriella was three years old and she moved in with them. Gabriella is an only child. Hailey and Isabella’s dad (Gabriella’s uncle) past away when Gabriella was 15, Hailey was 13, and Isabella was 10, because of cancer.

Isabella- She is fifteen, has light brown, straight hair and green eyes. She is nice, funny, a little quiet, shy when meeting new people, but much more outgoing when you get to know her. She loves playing sports, and is not a girly-girl, but not a tomboy either. She has a great singing voice and can play guitar, but is too shy to perform for many people.

Hailey- She is eighteen, has layered brown hair and bright blue eyes. She is very funny, outgoing, and crazy. She loves to have fun and hang out with friends. She can play the guitar well. She is more of a girly-girl than Isabella, but not that girly.

Gabriella- She is twenty, has chocolate brown hair, and brown eyes. She is very nice and polite. She is very excited about everything, but not as crazy as Hailey. She is a ballerina. She is the most girly-girl of all three girls.

The Jonas Brothers- Well, you know who they are. In this story the Jonas Brothers are not famous. They still have a band, some of the same songs, but their music is mostly something they love to do, not a career they want to pursue.

Chapter 1.
The girls are at their house. Isabella is in her room with Hailey, and Gabriella is in her own room.

Hailey: C’mon, Is, they told us to go over at seven.

Isabella: They can wait. Besides, Gabriella isn’t dressed yet.

Hailey: Oh, fine. Tell her to hurry up. We really shouldn’t be late.

Isabella: I guess. Gabriella! Are you done yet?

Gabriela: (from other room) Yeah, almost.

Isabella: (walks out of her room and into Gabriella’s room) What’s taking you so long?

Gabriella: Nothing, I’m done. I was cleaning my room.

They leave the room.

Isabella: C’mon, Hailey. We’re ready.

The girls walk down the street and walk up to the front door of the Jonas House.

Isabella: (knocks on the door)

Joe: (opens the door) Hey.

Gabriella/Hailey: Hey, Joe.

They walk into the house and see Nick and Kevin sitting on the couch.

Isabella: Hey guys.

Nick: Hey, Bells.

Gabriella: So, what movie are we gonna watch?

Kevin: We’re gonna watch Disturbia.

Hailey: Is it scary?

Nick: Maybe. We’ve never seen it.

Isabella: I’ll get the popcorn.

Nick: I’ll help. (gets up and follows her into the kitchen)

Isabella: Should we make Kettle Korn or Movie Theatre Butter Popcorn?

Nick & Isabella: Kettle Korn.

They put the popcorn in the microwave.

Nick: So how are you and that guy, what’s his name? Ryan?

Isabella: Yeah, we broke up.

Nick: Why?

Isabella: He cheated on me.

Nick: Are you okay?

Isabella: Yeah, I’m fine.

Nick: When did you break up?

Isabella: It happened yesterday.

Nick: Oh. You sure you’re okay?

Isabella: Yeah, I’m sure. It’s no big deal, I never liked him so much anyways. (thinks) There’s someone I like much more.

The microwave beeps.

Isabella: Popcorn!

They take the popcorn out and put it in a bowl. They go back to the couch.

Joe: Popcorn! (runs to them) Yes! Kettle Korn!

Nick: (rolls his eyes) You’re such a little kid.

Joe: Excuse me, I believe I’m three years older than you.

Nick: Maybe, but you act like your three years younger…than Frankie.

Kevin: Movie’s starting!

They all sit on the two couches. Kevin and Gabriella on one, and on the other: Hailey, Joe, Nick, and Isabella.

Five minutes into the movie.

Hailey: Is there a scary part coming? I bet there is. There’s always a scary part coming. Oh, good! The police are there! Nothing bad is going to happen if the police are there!

Isabella: Hailey, can you stop talking to yourself?

Hailey: Sorry.

They finish the movie, and decide to play a board game.

Nick: Aw. Board games make me bored.

Isabella: Nick, that was never funny.

Nick: Yeah. It is funny. And you know it.

Joe: You wanna hear something funnier? A guy walks into a grocery store-

Hailey: Joe, we already heard about the man and the glass of milk.

Joe: Oh. Fine then. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Kevin: (sarcastic) Hmm. Well, it wouldn’t be something like “nacho cheese” no that’s way too stupid, even for Joe…Hmm…what could it be?

Joe: Wait, but it is nacho cheese! How did you know?

Kevin: Maybe cause you always tell that joke.

Joe: No, I don’t.

Nick: You kinda do.

Joe: No, I don’t. So what are we gonna do since Nick doesn’t want to play a board game?

Isabella: Let’s play anyways.

Nick: (sarcastic) Aw, thanks.

Isabella: (sarcastic) Anytime.

Kevin: What game?

Gabriella: Monopoly!

Hailey: I will so win.

Joe: Yeah, sure you will.

Kevin: I will beat all of you.

Isabella: You all wrong, I’m gonna win.

They play and Nick wins.

Joe: That’s not fair, he didn’t even wanna play.

Nick: Yeah, but I did and I beat all of you. I’ve got skill.

Kevin: Yeah, at bragging.

Nick: I’m not bragging.

Hailey: Sure you’re not.

Isabella: Hailey, Gabriella, we have to go. Mom’s gonna worry.

Hailey: Bye. See you tomorrow.

Joe: Bye, Hales.

Kevin: Bye.

Nick: Bye.

Isabella: Bye.

Nick: Bye, Bella.

Joe/Kevin: Bye.

Gabriella: Bye, guys!

Kevin: Bye, Gabs.

Nick: Bye, see you tomorrow.

Joe: Bye.




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this is really good and found it pretty funny. :D :D
I liked how you introduced the story in the beginning and the characters. I also think you made the Jonas brothers characters realistick. the grammar was good the only thing i found that needs changing is the ending when they're all saying bye. I think you should just say something like "they all said they're goodbyes and left for home." or something like that.

nice job I'll be watching for your next chapter.
:wink:
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Hi! Welcome to YWS!

This was...entertaining.

I don't feel like nit-picking today, so I'll just do some hints:

1.) This should be posted in scripts. Is it supposed to be a script?

2.) I guess it's alright that you gave character profiles, but normally you shouldn't. If this was a novel, the reader should be able to figure out about characters based on your descriptions of them

3.) I find it odd that there are conveniently three girls- one for each brother.

-Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
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iheartnickj2595 wrote:A Jonas Love Story Introduction

The story starts at the beginning of summer vacation.

Isabella, Hailey, and Gabriella are three girls that live in New Jersey. They are best friends with the Jonas Brothers and grew up with them. Isabella and Hailey are sisters and Gabriella is their cousin. They all live in the same house because Gabriella’s parents (Isabella and Hailey’s aunt/uncle) past away in a car crash when Gabriella was three years old and she moved in with them. Gabriella is an only child. Hailey and Isabella’s dad (Gabriella’s uncle) past away when Gabriella was 15, Hailey was 13, and Isabella was 10, because of cancer.

Isabella- She is fifteen, has light brown, straight hair and green eyes. She is nice, funny, a little quiet, shy when meeting new people, but much more outgoing when you get to know her. She loves playing sports, and is not a girly-girl, but not a tomboy either. She has a great singing voice and can play guitar, but is too shy to perform for many people.

Hailey- She is eighteen, has layered brown hair and bright blue eyes. She is very funny, outgoing, and crazy. She loves to have fun and hang out with friends. She can play the guitar well. She is more of a girly-girl than Isabella, but not that girly.

Gabriella- She is twenty, has chocolate brown hair, and brown eyes. She is very nice and polite. She is very excited about everything, but not as crazy as Hailey. She is a ballerina. She is the most girly-girl of all three girls.

The Jonas Brothers- Well, you know who they are. In this story the Jonas Brothers are not famous. They still have a band, some of the same songs, but their music is mostly something they love to do, not a career they want to pursue.

Chapter 1.
The girls are at their house. Isabella is in her room with Hailey, and Gabriella is in her own room.

Hailey: C’mon, Is, they told us to go over at seven.

Isabella: They can wait. Besides, Gabriella isn’t dressed yet.

Hailey: Oh, fine. Tell her to hurry up. We really shouldn’t be late.

Isabella: I guess. Gabriella! Are you done yet?

Gabriela: (from other room) Yeah, almost.

Isabella: (walks out of her room and into Gabriella’s room) What’s taking you so long?

Gabriella: Nothing, I’m done. I was cleaning my room.

They leave the room.

Isabella: C’mon, Hailey. We’re ready.

The girls walk down the street and walk up to the front door of the Jonas House.

Isabella: (knocks on the door)

Joe: (opens the door) Hey.

Gabriella/Hailey: Hey, Joe.

They walk into the house and see Nick and Kevin sitting on the couch.

Isabella: Hey guys.

Nick: Hey, Bells.

Gabriella: So, what movie are we gonna watch?

Kevin: We’re gonna watch Disturbia.

Hailey: Is it scary?

Nick: Maybe. We’ve never seen it.

Isabella: I’ll get the popcorn.

Nick: I’ll help. (gets up and follows her into the kitchen)

Isabella: Should we make Kettle Korn or Movie Theatre Butter Popcorn?

Nick & Isabella: Kettle Korn.

They put the popcorn in the microwave.

Nick: So how are you and that guy, what’s his name? Ryan?

Isabella: Yeah, we broke up.

Nick: Why?

Isabella: He cheated on me.

Nick: Are you okay?

Isabella: Yeah, I’m fine.

Nick: When did you break up?

Isabella: It happened yesterday.

Nick: Oh. You sure you’re okay?

Isabella: Yeah, I’m sure. It’s no big deal, I never liked him so much anyways. (thinks) There’s someone I like much more.

The microwave beeps.

Isabella: Popcorn!

They take the popcorn out and put it in a bowl. They go back to the couch.

Joe: Popcorn! (runs to them) Yes! Kettle Korn!

Nick: (rolls his eyes) You’re such a little kid.

Joe: Excuse me, I believe I’m three years older than you.

Nick: Maybe, but you act like your three years younger…than Frankie.

Kevin: Movie’s starting!

They all sit on the two couches. Kevin and Gabriella on one, and on the other: Hailey, Joe, Nick, and Isabella.

Five minutes into the movie.

Hailey: Is there a scary part coming? I bet there is. There’s always a scary part coming. Oh, good! The police are there! Nothing bad is going to happen if the police are there!

Isabella: Hailey, can you stop talking to yourself?

Hailey: Sorry.

They finish the movie, and decide to play a board game.

Nick: Aw. Board games make me bored.

Isabella: Nick, that was never funny.

Nick: Yeah. It is funny. And you know it.

Joe: You wanna hear something funnier? A guy walks into a grocery store-

Hailey: Joe, we already heard about the man and the glass of milk.

Joe: Oh. Fine then. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Kevin: (sarcastic) Hmm. Well, it wouldn’t be something like “nacho cheese” no that’s way too stupid, even for Joe…Hmm…what could it be?

Joe: Wait, but it is nacho cheese! How did you know?

Kevin: Maybe cause you always tell that joke.

Joe: No, I don’t.

Nick: You kinda do.

Joe: No, I don’t. So what are we gonna do since Nick doesn’t want to play a board game?

Isabella: Let’s play anyways.

Nick: (sarcastic) Aw, thanks.

Isabella: (sarcastic) Anytime.

Kevin: What game?

Gabriella: Monopoly!

Hailey: I will so win.

Joe: Yeah, sure you will.

Kevin: I will beat all of you.

Isabella: You all wrong, I’m gonna win.

They play and Nick wins.

Joe: That’s not fair, he didn’t even wanna play.

Nick: Yeah, but I did and I beat all of you. I’ve got skill.

Kevin: Yeah, at bragging.

Nick: I’m not bragging.

Hailey: Sure you’re not.

Isabella: Hailey, Gabriella, we have to go. Mom’s gonna worry.

Hailey: Bye. See you tomorrow.

Joe: Bye, Hales.

Kevin: Bye.

Nick: Bye.

Isabella: Bye.

Nick: Bye, Bella.

Joe/Kevin: Bye.

Gabriella: Bye, guys!

Kevin: Bye, Gabs.

Nick: Bye, see you tomorrow.



Joe: Bye.
[b]Instead of using semicolons for your dialogue I would use the traditional quotes. This way you can express emotion within the characters. And you can add details about how the characters are feeling. Just a suggestion. You should try it.
with love,
smileforever




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iheartnickj2595 wrote:A Jonas Love Story Introduction

The story starts at the beginning of summer vacation.

Isabella, Hailey, and Gabriella are three girls that live in New Jersey. They are best friends with the Jonas Brothers and grew up with them. Isabella and Hailey are sisters and Gabriella is their cousin. They all live in the same house because Gabriella’s parents (Isabella and Hailey’s aunt/uncle) past away in a car crash when Gabriella was three years old and she moved in with them. Gabriella is an only child. Hailey and Isabella’s dad (Gabriella’s uncle) past away when Gabriella was 15, Hailey was 13, and Isabella was 10, because of cancer.

Isabella- She is fifteen, has light brown, straight hair and green eyes. She is nice, funny, a little quiet, shy when meeting new people, but much more outgoing when you get to know her. She loves playing sports, and is not a girly-girl, but not a tomboy either. She has a great singing voice and can play guitar, but is too shy to perform for many people.

Hailey- She is eighteen, has layered brown hair and bright blue eyes. She is very funny, outgoing, and crazy. She loves to have fun and hang out with friends. She can play the guitar well. She is more of a girly-girl than Isabella, but not that girly.

Gabriella- She is twenty, has chocolate brown hair, and brown eyes. She is very nice and polite. She is very excited about everything, but not as crazy as Hailey. She is a ballerina. She is the most girly-girl of all three girls.

The Jonas Brothers- Well, you know who they are. In this story the Jonas Brothers are not famous. They still have a band, some of the same songs, but their music is mostly something they love to do, not a career they want to pursue.

Chapter 1.
The girls are at their house. Isabella is in her room with Hailey, and Gabriella is in her own room.

Hailey: C’mon, Is, they told us to go over at seven.

Isabella: They can wait. Besides, Gabriella isn’t dressed yet.

Hailey: Oh, fine. Tell her to hurry up. We really shouldn’t be late.

Isabella: I guess. Gabriella! Are you done yet?

Gabriela: (from other room) Yeah, almost.

Isabella: (walks out of her room and into Gabriella’s room) What’s taking you so long?

Gabriella: Nothing, I’m done. I was cleaning my room.

They leave the room.

Isabella: C’mon, Hailey. We’re ready.

The girls walk down the street and walk up to the front door of the Jonas House.

Isabella: (knocks on the door)

Joe: (opens the door) Hey.

Gabriella/Hailey: Hey, Joe.

They walk into the house and see Nick and Kevin sitting on the couch.

Isabella: Hey guys.

Nick: Hey, Bells.

Gabriella: So, what movie are we gonna watch?

Kevin: We’re gonna watch Disturbia.

Hailey: Is it scary?

Nick: Maybe. We’ve never seen it.

Isabella: I’ll get the popcorn.

Nick: I’ll help. (gets up and follows her into the kitchen)

Isabella: Should we make Kettle Korn or Movie Theatre Butter Popcorn?

Nick & Isabella: Kettle Korn.

They put the popcorn in the microwave.

Nick: So how are you and that guy, what’s his name? Ryan?

Isabella: Yeah, we broke up.

Nick: Why?

Isabella: He cheated on me.

Nick: Are you okay?

Isabella: Yeah, I’m fine.

Nick: When did you break up?

Isabella: It happened yesterday.

Nick: Oh. You sure you’re okay?

Isabella: Yeah, I’m sure. It’s no big deal, I never liked him so much anyways. (thinks) There’s someone I like much more.

The microwave beeps.

Isabella: Popcorn!

They take the popcorn out and put it in a bowl. They go back to the couch.

Joe: Popcorn! (runs to them) Yes! Kettle Korn!

Nick: (rolls his eyes) You’re such a little kid.

Joe: Excuse me, I believe I’m three years older than you.

Nick: Maybe, but you act like your three years younger…than Frankie.

Kevin: Movie’s starting!

They all sit on the two couches. Kevin and Gabriella on one, and on the other: Hailey, Joe, Nick, and Isabella.

Five minutes into the movie.

Hailey: Is there a scary part coming? I bet there is. There’s always a scary part coming. Oh, good! The police are there! Nothing bad is going to happen if the police are there!

Isabella: Hailey, can you stop talking to yourself?

Hailey: Sorry.

They finish the movie, and decide to play a board game.

Nick: Aw. Board games make me bored.

Isabella: Nick, that was never funny.

Nick: Yeah. It is funny. And you know it.

Joe: You wanna hear something funnier? A guy walks into a grocery store-

Hailey: Joe, we already heard about the man and the glass of milk.

Joe: Oh. Fine then. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Kevin: (sarcastic) Hmm. Well, it wouldn’t be something like “nacho cheese” no that’s way too stupid, even for Joe…Hmm…what could it be?

Joe: Wait, but it is nacho cheese! How did you know?

Kevin: Maybe cause you always tell that joke.

Joe: No, I don’t.

Nick: You kinda do.

Joe: No, I don’t. So what are we gonna do since Nick doesn’t want to play a board game?

Isabella: Let’s play anyways.

Nick: (sarcastic) Aw, thanks.

Isabella: (sarcastic) Anytime.

Kevin: What game?

Gabriella: Monopoly!

Hailey: I will so win.

Joe: Yeah, sure you will.

Kevin: I will beat all of you.

Isabella: You all wrong, I’m gonna win.

They play and Nick wins.

Joe: That’s not fair, he didn’t even wanna play.

Nick: Yeah, but I did and I beat all of you. I’ve got skill.

Kevin: Yeah, at bragging.

Nick: I’m not bragging.

Hailey: Sure you’re not.

Isabella: Hailey, Gabriella, we have to go. Mom’s gonna worry.

Hailey: Bye. See you tomorrow.

Joe: Bye, Hales.

Kevin: Bye.

Nick: Bye.

Isabella: Bye.

Nick: Bye, Bella.

Joe/Kevin: Bye.

Gabriella: Bye, guys!

Kevin: Bye, Gabs.

Nick: Bye, see you tomorrow.



Joe: Bye.
[b]Instead of using semicolons for your dialogue I would use the traditional quotes. This way you can express emotion within the characters. And you can add details about how the characters are feeling. Just a suggestion. You should try it.
with love,
smileforever




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This is interesting.
Normally fan fics are based on books and shows,
Not really about celebrities and stuff.
Honestly, I don't really know what the Jo Bros sound like,
Nor am I familiar with the personalities,
But it was entertaining :D
Though, I would suggest you move this to the Scripts forum.
Good job, keep on writing! :)
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Oh, wow, I completely love it. You have my approval :wink: . Something you may want to think about changing, though, is that there are parts where the characters go back and forth numerous times. Those parts aren't as interesting to read. They're a little bit tedious, if you know what I mean. But you definitely have a good idea here. It's a really cool story line. Keep it up! :smt024




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Sakura and I are going to do an amzing review now,

Chapter 1.

The girls are at their house. Isabella is in her room with Hailey, and Gabriella is in her own room.


Hailey: C’mon, Is, they told us to go over at seven.


Isabella: They can wait. Besides, Gabriella isn’t dressed yet. Is she walking around naked?


Hailey: Oh, fine. Tell her to hurry up. We really shouldn’t be late.


Isabella: I guess. Gabriella! Are you done yet?


Gabriela: (from other room) Yeah, almost.


Isabella: (walks out of her room and into Gabriella’s room) What’s taking you so long? Did she just walk in on her... while she was naked?


Gabriella: Nothing, I’m done. I was cleaning my room. While naked?


They leave the room.


Isabella: C’mon, Hailey. We’re ready.


The girls walk down the street and walk up to the front door of the Jonas House.


Isabella: (knocks on the door)


Joe: (opens the door) Hey.


Gabriella/Hailey: Hey, Joe.


They walk into the house and see Nick and Kevin sitting on the couch.


Isabella: Hey guys.


Nick: Hey, Bells.


Gabriella: So, what movie are we gonna watch?


Kevin: We’re gonna watch Disturbia.


Hailey: Is it scary?


Nick: Maybe. We’ve never seen it.


Isabella: I’ll get the popcorn.


Nick: I’ll help. (gets up and follows her into the kitchen)


Isabella: Should we make Kettle Korn or Movie Theatre Butter Popcorn? This reminds me of stephanie Meyer where the author describes everything in minute detail. Why do we care what kind of popcorn they are eating?


Nick & Isabella: Kettle Korn.


They put the popcorn in the microwave. I thought it was kettle corn


Nick: So how are you and that guy, what’s his name? Ryan?


Isabella: Yeah, we broke up.


Nick: Why?


Isabella: He cheated on me. That's the oldest reason in the book. Come up with something different


Nick: Are you okay?


Isabella: Yeah, I’m fine. Must she start every sentence with yeah?


Nick: When did you break up?


Isabella: It happened yesterday.


Nick: Oh. You sure you’re okay?


Isabella: Yeah, I’m sure. It’s no big deal, I never liked him so much anyways. (thinks) There’s someone I like much more.


The microwave beeps.


Isabella: Popcorn! No, it's kettle corn!


They take the popcorn KETTLE CORN! out and put it in a bowl. They go back to the couch.


Joe: Popcorn! (runs to them) Yes! Kettle Korn!


Nick: (rolls his eyes) You’re such a little kid. Six people are going to eat one bag of kettle corn? Are the anorexic?


Joe: Excuse me, I believe I’m three years older than you.


Nick: Maybe, but you act like your three years younger…than Frankie.


Kevin: Movie’s starting! change it to movies. The movie isn't possessing anything.


They all sit on the two couches. Kevin and Gabriella on one, and on the other: Hailey, Joe, Nick, and Isabella.


Five minutes into the movie.


Hailey: Is there a scary part coming? I bet there is. There’s always a scary part coming. Oh, good! The police are there! Nothing bad is going to happen if the police are there!


Isabella: Hailey, can you stop talking to yourself?


Hailey: Sorry.


They finish the movie, and decide to play a board game. Well, that was fast. What else happened during the movie?


Nick: Aw. Board games make me bored. That doesn't flow well. "Board" and "bored" sound alike.


Isabella: Nick, that was never funny. Oh it was supposed to be funny? It wasn't.


Nick: Yeah. It is funny. And you know it. no, it really isn't


Joe: You wanna hear something funnier? A guy walks into a grocery store-


Hailey: Joe, we already heard about the man and the glass of milk.


Joe: Oh. Fine then. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?


Kevin: (sarcastic) Hmm. Well, it wouldn’t be something like “nacho cheese” no that’s way too stupid, even for Joe…Hmm…what could it be?


Joe: Wait, but it is nacho cheese! How did you know?


Kevin: Maybe cause you always tell that joke.


Joe: No, I don’t.


Nick: You kinda do.


Joe: No, I don’t. So what are we gonna do since Nick doesn’t want to play a board game?


Isabella: Let’s play anyways.


Nick: (sarcastic) Aw, thanks.


Isabella: (sarcastic) Anytime.


Kevin: What game?


Gabriella: Monopoly!


Hailey: I will so win.


Joe: Yeah, sure you will.


Kevin: I will beat all of you.


Isabella: You all wrong, I’m gonna win.


They play and Nick wins.


Joe: That’s not fair, he didn’t even wanna play.


Nick: Yeah, but I did and I beat all of you. I’ve got skill.


Kevin: Yeah, at bragging.


Nick: I’m not bragging.


Hailey: Sure you’re not.


Isabella: Hailey, Gabriella, we have to go. Mom’s gonna worry.


Hailey: Bye. See you tomorrow.


Joe: Bye, Hales.


Kevin: Bye.


Nick: Bye.


Isabella: Bye.


Nick: Bye, Bella.


Joe/Kevin: Bye.


Gabriella: Bye, guys!


Kevin: Bye, Gabs.


Nick: Bye, see you tomorrow.


Okay, sorry, but this was so boring. Nothing happened. Where was the plot? And I saw no romance here. Wow, they ate kettle corn together! Scandolous... honestly my friend zach is more exciting than this and he doesn't talk. sorry but it is true.




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HEE HEE!! i really like this.
i think it would be really really REALLY good
if you have more describing words. but other than
that, it was good for the first chapter




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I really enjoyed this!!
It does seem more of a script than a story, but I loved it anyways.
I'm totally looking forward to more!
There are, however, a few mistakes with grammar, etc.
I'll try to PM those to you later.

If I ever resume working on my JB story, I'd love for you to review it!!
Take care!!
<3GiGi
=]
I <3...
Disney. The Jonas Brothers. Zac Efron. Barack Obama. To Smile. To Laugh. Peace. Music. Life.




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Like everyone else, this is a script. A good one at that. Twards the end they all say "Bye" and that confused me. try using a word other than bye, like: see ya, Later, Ta ta (I don't like that one, hehe), GOODbye, or a nod of the head.

Also, were the narrator should be, there are floating words, for exaple " Five minutes into the movie." should be "Narrator: Five minutes into the movie" or "Narrator: Five minutes later." That goes better with a script. This to me would be a better story written in a novella format.

Good story, script thingy though, loved it.
LONG LIVE LOVE




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Sorry. I don't really take this too seriously.
I've seen many many MANY better Jonas FanFics in my time.
Sure, it's a nice outline, a nice plot,
but it sure would be a lot nicer if it wasn't
Gabriella: Hey Kev, Suppp?!
It would be GREAT if it was:
Gabriella tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she closed the book.
She sighed, bored as she was, and looked out the window to find none other
than Kevin Jonas riding his bike outside with his littlest brother Frankie.
She immediatly stood up and casually walked out to the green, grassy front
lawn to say hello. As they came back into ear shot, Gabriella waved, "Hey Kev! What's up?"

You know what I mean?
So, yeah.
That's minus 2 stars right there.
And the other star gone M.I.A. is for
'The leave the room.'
Isn't that kind of obvious?
And if not, then be like,
Joe: Let's go to the Pink Coconut!
Hailey: Sound's good.
Joe: My Motorcycle's out front.
Hailey: Okay, cool!
(Enter once, then move on to Kevin and Gabriella or something.)

Yep. That's about it.
"It's a land turtle!" "A what?" "A turtle on the land! Duhh!" --Reed



If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison